Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my fiance to support me in quitting my job

160 replies

sususususus · 02/07/2018 20:45

I was made redundant this year, and the whole thing was very traumatic. The day I was told my job was 'at risk' my partner hit the roof, and said "don't think I am going to be paying for you, you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on". We rent a flat together.

I know he wouldn't really have done that, but I felt very panicked and pressured into finding a job ASAP. I found one quickly, but it's very different to what I was doing, and I knew it wasn't really for me. I took it because I couldn't be picky, and started a week after I was made redundant. I could have claimed contribution based JSA, but that isn't much.

I received £2k in redundancy pay, and the new job is the same salary I was on before. I've been there a few months now and I realise this job is not for me, I'm not suited to the tasks and I feel sad because I am not using my strong skills anymore. I've been applying for other jobs, but I cannot get the time off to go to interviews (I have to give 6 weeks notice for even an afternoon off) so it's proving very hard. I don't get paid for sick days, and if I take a sick day there is a big investigation and interview about it, even for one day.

I'm taking it day by day, but I desperately want another job. I want to quit so I have the time to find one, I'm pretty confident I could find one within a month to six weeks. It would feel like a huge relief to never go back in that office. But I don't think DP would be comfortable carrying the financial burder, though he could easily pay for everything himself for a short time. Our rent and bills costs about £1100 a month INCLUDING food, and he earns about £3000 a month after tax, more if he picks up overtime.

I should also mention, I have about £57K in savings and he has about £40K, but we have both agreed not to touch this as it's the 'house fund'. We are planning to buy a house together so it's not like I am living off him with nothing to contribute in the future.

I just want him to be supportive, but I know if I quit my job he will hit the roof, but I see it as the only way out to find a job I'm suited to :( AIBU to expect him to pay the bills for a few months and support me in this, or should I just carry on so I can put equal money in the joint account?

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 02/07/2018 22:13

The day I was told my job was 'at risk' my partner hit the roof, and said "don't think I am going to be paying for you, you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on"

This tells you all you need to know. Honestly. It does.

And I've been there. I vividly remember ringing my DH to tell him my whole team had been laid off. I was pregnant, so realistically unlikely to get another job....and I was very upset about it. His response? "Don't worry love. It doesn't really matter in the overall scheme of things, does it?". He was right, of course - and I wasn't so upset after that.

Your fiancé is an arse. As others have said, do not have a child with this man......

JackietheBackie · 02/07/2018 22:16

Nope, I’d be taking my money out of the joint account, and feel thankful that he showed me what a comp,etc selfish arsewipe he was before I was bound to him by mortgage or baby.

You can move into a hoyseshare, rent your own place or travel the world. But don’t spend another moment of your time with someone who meets your distress with bullying and threats. He is mean. You can do better.

IWantMyHatBack · 02/07/2018 22:29

You have £57k in savings? What the hell are you waiting for? Leave this nasty fucker and don't look back.

Angrybird345 · 02/07/2018 22:31

Leave him, you’ll regret staying with him.

IWantMyHatBack · 02/07/2018 22:32

Coincidentally, £57k is approx the amount I need to buy my ex partner out of the house we jointly own. I have no way of buying him out, so I live in the house and will be linked with him until I win the lottery or inherit.

MadMaryBoddington · 02/07/2018 22:38

The day I was told my job was 'at risk' my partner hit the roof, and said "don't think I am going to be paying for you, you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on"

Shock

Cancel the cheque op. I mean the relationship.

LookAtThatCritter · 02/07/2018 22:40

I’m sorry but I’m also wondering why you’re staying with this man Sad not the kind of attitude I would want in a DP. What would happen if you went on long term sick etc and had no way of earning?

My38274thNameChange · 02/07/2018 23:15

I recently had a career break because my last job was making me ill.

I was off for a year before I found the right job.

My OH never complained and enjoyed me doing more around the house to free up his time and mine. We have DC/step DC but the principle is the same.

He sounds like an ass Sad

GardenGeek · 02/07/2018 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/07/2018 06:18

Yeah run now while you can OP
Imagine being with this AND babies on top Sad

Motherofajuggernaut · 03/07/2018 06:32

6 years ago I got made redundant the day I was going to tell my job that I was pregnant, it was a complete suprise and I had no idea the business was going under. My husband picked up the slack, picked me up off the floor and supported me unendingly financially and emotionally to this day. In that time I have raised two kids, and started my own business, had two surgeries and almost a year off being able to work or look after my kids due to a health issue, we have our own house but it's mortgaged to the max, we have about 600 quid in savings for Xmas this year. We earn a middle income. My point is my husband, my partner, never 'hit the roof' or told me I'd have to live off shit food, because we're a partnership, a team and a family. You need to question your future. How will you ever take a career break to have a child? You have your own money, tell him you're taking a couple of grand out to support yourself while you look for a new job (and a new place to live because this man is not worth your time)

AStatelyPleasureDome · 03/07/2018 06:59

LTB and quit the job!

ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 03/07/2018 07:08
  1. Why are you with him
  2. With that much in savings, just do it. Forget the house fund for now, your priority is finding a job you love.
  3. I quit a job I hated after 2 weeks and my partner fully supported me in that. I had enough savings for one month. It only took me couple of weeks to find a job I love and I've been there for over 2 months now.
Fruitbat1980 · 03/07/2018 07:09

Yeah never mind leaving the job, LTB! This is your wake up call!

Pa1oma · 03/07/2018 07:13

I find this astonishing Shock

Thank god you don’t have kids with this man.

Can you please explain why you’re with him at all?

user1457017537 · 03/07/2018 07:20

You have £57k support yourself until you find another position. Then use the rest of your savings towards a studio or one bed apartment just for you. Or buy a 2 bed and get a lodger. But definetely get rid of him! Tesco Value indeed! Whilst he dined on more premium brands presumably!

Debfronut · 03/07/2018 07:30

You have not picked a supportive man here and you don't normally find this out until you have children. You have had a lucky break OP take this warning and find your own home and a new job. Then choose your next partner more carefully. Woman's Aid do courses to help you find out about poor men

eddielizzard · 03/07/2018 07:44

You're right that you want a partner who is supportive.

I would quit the job and use savings to live off until I found another. They're your savings. You might have agreed to ring fence them for a house, but your mental health is more important. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. You can move out and find your own place to buy. He really doesn't sound very nice at all.

Juells · 03/07/2018 07:46

Haven't RTFT but The day I was told my job was 'at risk' my partner hit the roof is enough to end a relationship. My eldest daughter was having difficulty in work as her boss was obsessed with her, under huge stress, and when she told her BF he instantly broke it off with her, said "I won't be able to support you through this" :( At least he was honest, and broke it off. Your fiance has given you the message loud and clear that whenever you have problems you're not only on your own, he'll make things worse. LTB

morningconstitutional2017 · 03/07/2018 07:48

I would at least expect emotional support in any relationship worth its salt. My lovely late husband would have said something along the lines of, 'we're in this together, so of course I'll support you until you get a new job.' Only an arse behaves otherwise. To put it crudely , he sounds like a wanker.

What if he had lost his job? Would he expect you to support him? He doesn't sound like a nice person at all. My advice - LTB.

RB68 · 03/07/2018 08:04

I think you need to be very wary about this. I don't agree with this penny pinching approach to life partnership.

Fundamentally if you were ever hurt or injured and couldn't work again what would happen?

A close friend of mine has been disabled by the results of surgery gone wrong - she is persuing a claim but its complex and has been ongoing for 4 yrs min already - as is the norm for these things. She is divorcing her husband as after she was ruled unfit for work permanently by the Government, GP and specialists he has denied her all access to monies even where 50% of the property belongs to her so she has no income, no access to money, she can't even do a food shop as he controls all that, she and her daughter wera second hand clothes whereas he goes out shopping coming back with designer wear - do you think that inequality can work. What happens when you have a baby? How will finances work on mat leave?

Snausage · 03/07/2018 08:09

OP: I, like others, have no idea why you are with a man who is so nasty that he berates you as if being made redundant was your fault.

I don't understand your reluctance to use your redundancy money and a little bit of your savings to support you whilst you find your next job. You have far more saved than him so I'd certainly not even entertain the idea of buying a property with him unless you're married. If, however, he's this unsupportive now, what will he be like if you have children? Or if you become ill?

If I were you I'd keep the savings for your own place, give up your current job and search for something you will enjoy getting up for in the morning and then ditch the knobber.

OliviaStabler · 03/07/2018 08:10

MinisterforCheekyFuckery said it best. Get out of the job and the relationship. Neither are good for you.

KirstenRaymonde · 03/07/2018 08:15

OP I fear you won’t come back, and I don’t want to pile on more of what everyone else has already said, but don’t marry this man, he doesn’t see you as a partner and he doesn’t want to be a team. It sounds like you’ve both more than enough money for you to take the time to find the right job, but he wants you stay unhappy. Do you earn the same? If not, why are you splitting bills 50/50?

I had to leave a job earlier this year for mental health reasons, my DP has supported me unendingly, including paying 90% of all bills and living costs for month, which was his entire salary. He just wanted me to be ok. Your fiancé wouldn’t even need to spend half of what he earns a month to support you for a short time. What do you think your man would do in a situation like that? What about when you’re on maternity leave? Would he expect half of everything then?

I know it’s an old mumsnet trope - but when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Flyme21 · 03/07/2018 08:16

Obviously LTB, read your own post and it will tell you why. If he's like this now he'll be worse when you're married and then you'll be tied to him and it will be much more difficult and financially damaging to split. Thank goodness you don't have children together.
Personally I'd say don't quit and start chipping into your savings. It looks much better on your applications if you don't have gaps and it's not physically impossible to treat job hunting seriously while still in work.

Swipe left for the next trending thread