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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my fiance to support me in quitting my job

160 replies

sususususus · 02/07/2018 20:45

I was made redundant this year, and the whole thing was very traumatic. The day I was told my job was 'at risk' my partner hit the roof, and said "don't think I am going to be paying for you, you'll have to eat Tesco Value from now on". We rent a flat together.

I know he wouldn't really have done that, but I felt very panicked and pressured into finding a job ASAP. I found one quickly, but it's very different to what I was doing, and I knew it wasn't really for me. I took it because I couldn't be picky, and started a week after I was made redundant. I could have claimed contribution based JSA, but that isn't much.

I received £2k in redundancy pay, and the new job is the same salary I was on before. I've been there a few months now and I realise this job is not for me, I'm not suited to the tasks and I feel sad because I am not using my strong skills anymore. I've been applying for other jobs, but I cannot get the time off to go to interviews (I have to give 6 weeks notice for even an afternoon off) so it's proving very hard. I don't get paid for sick days, and if I take a sick day there is a big investigation and interview about it, even for one day.

I'm taking it day by day, but I desperately want another job. I want to quit so I have the time to find one, I'm pretty confident I could find one within a month to six weeks. It would feel like a huge relief to never go back in that office. But I don't think DP would be comfortable carrying the financial burder, though he could easily pay for everything himself for a short time. Our rent and bills costs about £1100 a month INCLUDING food, and he earns about £3000 a month after tax, more if he picks up overtime.

I should also mention, I have about £57K in savings and he has about £40K, but we have both agreed not to touch this as it's the 'house fund'. We are planning to buy a house together so it's not like I am living off him with nothing to contribute in the future.

I just want him to be supportive, but I know if I quit my job he will hit the roof, but I see it as the only way out to find a job I'm suited to :( AIBU to expect him to pay the bills for a few months and support me in this, or should I just carry on so I can put equal money in the joint account?

OP posts:
Clinicallysilly · 03/07/2018 10:33

Plus since he's got 17k less in the bank than you, surely he should be the one eating value mince? Just saying.....

SporadicSpartacus · 03/07/2018 10:38

Why is it always men on high salaries who are like this?

3k after tax is not a small amount of money to be bringing in. His reaction would be a bit more understandable (although still dickish), if he were making min wage stacking shelves and had a tiny, precious amount of personal money.

OP, you’ve got options - savings and low outgoings - even if you don’t want to end the relationship, you don’t have to put up with a job that’s making you this unhappy.

FoodGloriousFud · 03/07/2018 10:39

Take your savings and run!!

Willow2017 · 03/07/2018 10:47

Lyndsey
Op still has to go for interviews which her work wont allow. How is she supposed to get round that?

Op has not asked her bf to pay everything for her. He jumped in with that stupid comment first. She has 2k redundancy and 57k in savings. She can afford to take time out for a few weeks to get a new job. She doesnt need anything from him except some support and understanding which he clearly lacks.

I have never worked anywhere which investigated one days sickness. Thats not normal.

RiddleMeThis2018 · 03/07/2018 10:52

That’s YOUR money, to do with as you please, regardless of any “agreement” you’ve entered into with your DP. The best possible use for it, in this scenario, is to buy your freedom: from the job, and this man who doesn’t care that you’re unhappy.

NordicNobody · 03/07/2018 10:59

OMG @ReanimatedSGB this cracked me up.

Dick is abundant and of low value. It's better to be single than to be connected to an abusive or otherwise unsatisfactory man.

Truest words you'll ever hear OP! I want to get this printed onto t-shirts and give them to about 90% of my female friends.

Bobbydeniro69 · 03/07/2018 11:13

You've got £57k..more than most of us have got lying around I would imagine. I could only dream of having that much in savings.

£57k in savings..and doing a job that you really don't like.

It's a no brainer isn't it? . Hand in your notice, retrain, find something that really inspires you.

Your partner should be supportive, and it sounds like you have never really questioned his attitude. You have £17k more than him. He is in no position to tell you want to do..with or without you being able to fund some time off.

I know this website has a reputation for screaming ' Leave Him ' at the slightest misdemeanour, but on this occasion I would seriously consider how your property purchase and future co - financial dependency will work if he has such a mean and selfish attitude to finances.

CaliforniaLoove · 03/07/2018 11:19

I have just been in a near exact same situation.

However, my DP could not have been more the opposite to yours (I'm sorry!). He encouraged me to find a job I really wanted and said of course he would pay for me to live if I ran out of redundancy money.

I still felt awful about spending "savings" "money for other things" "not having a job" but he made me see when a job makes you really unhappy day to day sorting that out is the most important thing, savings can be rebuilt.

So first off - quit your job now! You sound sensible and employable, you'll get another.

Second - you need a serious conversation with him about this. You're engaged, you've committed to supporting each other through life. You're not just merrily coasting expecting him to pay for you, his attitude is not ok.

LyndseyKola · 03/07/2018 12:44

Op still has to go for interviews which her work wont allow. How is she supposed to get round that?

Op has not asked her bf to pay everything for her. He jumped in with that stupid comment first. She has 2k redundancy and 57k in savings. She can afford to take time out for a few weeks to get a new job. She doesnt need anything from him except some support and understanding which he clearly lacks.

I have never worked anywhere which investigated one days sickness. Thats not normal.

Most people’s workplaces don’t allow people to go for interviews knowingly, but people still manage to get new jobs while employed, you have to either request an interview time you can make or pull a sickie.

I agree he’s lacking understanding but OP said: AIBU to expect him to pay the bills for a few months and support me in this, or should I just carry on so I can put equal money in the joint account? she clearly wants him to pay the bills. It’s odd she’s phrased it as an either or option, either he pays all the bills or she carries on at work without finding a new job. She can keep working, while looking, or she can quit and continue to contribute herself with some of her massive savings account!

I think OP is being unreasonable with her expectations but her boyfriend doesn’t sound very supportive either.

I think you may be misunderstanding the term ‘investigation’, every workplace I’ve ever been at (over twenty across many fields) has wanted to know why you were off even for a day, for their records. I don’t mean investigation as in a formal process of scrutiny and doubt.

LyndseyKola · 03/07/2018 12:48

Why would someone with £57k savings in the bank expect their partner (who has fewer savings) to take over 100% of the household bills/rent so they can quit their job without another to go to?

Like I say, it makes perfect sense for OP to quit, she can afford to do so independently if she wants to leave her job then find another. But I’m surprised so many people think it’s fine to quit without another lined up and expect your partner who has a smaller savings account to fund you doing so. I think posters are focusing on his dickish comments over what OP is actually asking from him, or maybe missing the last bit of her post where she asks if she’s being unreasonable to expect him to pay the bills while she quits.

LyndseyKola · 03/07/2018 12:50

Then again, having said ‘ boyfriend doesn’t sound supportive’, yes he made a harsh comment but I get the impression ‘supportive’ to OP doesn’t mean saying ‘go for it if you want to quit’, it means paying the bills alone for the indefinite period of time it’ll take for her to get another job. Emotional support in this situation is just part of being a partner; but maybe he doesn’t feel able to support her if she’s asking something so unreasonable of him and thinking it’s reasonable.

lynmilne65 · 03/07/2018 12:54

He's an arse 😡

LardLizard · 03/07/2018 12:57

I think your lucky you’ve seen this as a warning before you buy a house get married and start a family

This man is a shit

And he will get worse

Fuck him off you deserve much much better some one that actually gives a shit about you

mrsm43s · 03/07/2018 13:11

Are your finances joint, or separate?

If they are joint, then you (as a couple) have £97K in savings - wow!,and it would be reasonable for your DP to support you either from income, or from you both agreeing to use the joint savings, while you quit and find another job.

If your finances are separate, then you have £57K in personal savings from which you can pay your share of the bills while you quit and look for another job.

What you cannot expect to do is have your DP support you, while you keep your savings as your own. You can't pick and choose which bits of money to share and which to keep to yourself so that your DP pays for your decision, when you are capable of paying for it for yourself.

It sounds like your DP isn't supportive, but that said, what you are asking of him is pretty unreasonable.

If it is important for you to leave the job, then use your savings to fund it. If you don't think it's important enough for you to spend your money on, then you can't expect your DP to think it's important enough to spend his money on!

MouseholeCat · 03/07/2018 13:37

Don't stay with him- this isn't what a supportive partner does. The second you depend on him he'll be financially abusing you.

Honestly, I'd leave him and use your current income to rent out a flat on your own (much harder when you're unemployed, even with the savings). Once you're over that, quitting and finding something new is back on the table.

For context, my now DH was made redundant a few years ago. He's in a niche sector and it took 9 months for him to earn again. My concern was for his wellbeing and helping him apply for positions, not for whether we were supported temporarily using my money. You fiance's stance isn't normal.

Ariela · 03/07/2018 13:39

Well if you still want to be with this man....

the other way is to apply for jobs you would like with sufficient salary and put a note in the covering letter that as you were made redundant and had to find a job quickly unfortunately you are not able in this job to take time off to attend interview but you can come before or after work at (time).

Or book some holiday from work, say book 3 consecutive Thursdays off as holiday and say you can attend interviews on (choice of Thursday)

Or ditch the job and the boyfriend and apply for posts in a completely different area of the country

Magicpaintbrush · 03/07/2018 13:45

I can't believe you got made redundant through no fault of your own and he had a go at you and said you would have to eat tesco value meals as he wouldn't be paying for you. What a PRICK. That is him showing his true colours right there. You have a fiance problem here, not a job problem. Alarm bells ringing all over the place. Marrying and having kids with somebody that unsupportive and unkind sounds like a seriously bad idea.

LyndseyKola · 03/07/2018 13:46

What you cannot expect to do is have your DP support you, while you keep your savings as your own. You can't pick and choose which bits of money to share and which to keep to yourself so that your DP pays for your decision, when you are capable of paying for it for yourself.

This is very true mrsm43s, you’ve phrased it far more succinctly than I did 😂

crispysausagerolls · 03/07/2018 18:11

This man isn’t a “partner” to you in any sense of the word. Jesus Christ.

Neverender · 03/07/2018 18:19

He sounds really horrible. I was made redundant and my DH was furious in my behalf. He didn't ever mention money. What a horrible, horrible reaction. I would have left then!

Ethylred · 03/07/2018 18:30

I'm not impressed by the "but I don't like this job very much" and maybe your DP isn't either.
And why do you think you can be pickier about jobs this time around? What if you don't like the next one? Or if it doesn't turn up?

Original poster
sususususus · 03/07/2018 18:34

I should have been clearer: he doesn't want me to go into my savings as he doesn't want me to be 'lazy' and sit at home doing nothing while eating into the 'house fund'. I said I could live off my redundancy pay for a few months and he wouldn't have it. He's dead against either of us dipping in to the 'house fund', basically.

OP posts:
Original poster
sususususus · 03/07/2018 18:35

@Ethylred I've never had a problem getting interviews and I don't demand a high salary. It's just getting to the interviews that's the problem.

OP posts:
LyndseyKola · 03/07/2018 18:39

i should have been clearer: he doesn't want me to go into my savings as he doesn't want me to be 'lazy' and sit at home doing nothing while eating into the 'house fund'. I said I could live off my redundancy pay for a few months and he wouldn't have it. He's dead against either of us dipping in to the 'house fund', basically.

He isn’t actually your boss, though. If you think it’s for the best you can quit and use your house savings or redundancy pay.

“He wouldn’t have it” are you scared of him? Is there a reason he’s able to ‘put his foot down’ as if what he says goes?

ReanimatedSGB · 03/07/2018 19:19

OP, he is not your boss or your owner. Has he set things up so you can't access your savings without his permission/co-operation? If so, this is potentially financial abuse. You have contributed more to the savings fund than he has, despite earning less. I wonder if this man is intending to use your money to buy a house in a way that benefits him but is less beneficial to you...