For thinking women aren't entitled to watch their daughters give birth?

[LOL7]

Hello,
So this is a bit of a thread. I've just had an 'argument' in the loosest sense of the word on fb with women who are moaning about their daughters 'not letting them be there' for the birth of their grandchildren! Aibu for being totally shocked about this sense of entitlement or 'right' that women should automatically be able to watch their daughter go through labour and birth just because it's their daughters giving birth to their grandchildren?

(And FYI my mum’s a legend!)

So interesting - totally agree that parents have no right to be at the birth of their grandchildren, but I actually posted recently about really wanting my DM there and her refusing. My MIL is also lovely and would be welcome if she didn't live overseas (though maybe I'd want her to stay at the head end). Is it much more the norm in some.areas than others?

If you've given birth to a daughter then of course you are entitled to then go on and be present when she gives birth in adulthood. There is nothing like the mother/daughter bond!

ahum, no, your adult daughter has the right to decide what is best for her. You don't need to be there on her wedding night either.

If you want a decent relationship with your grand-children, learn some respect and boundaries.

polkadotpixie

Your DH can be as adamant as he likes, but ultimately he doesn't get to decide. If you need your mum there to help you through, then tell your DH this is what will happen. It's all about what will help a mother give birth with the least stress.

Because you are the patient, and until the child is actually born, he can't demand anything.

And while in reality you may not wish to ban your DH, this little bit of info might just get him to wind his neck in and listen to you, the actual patient who will be going through this.

Good god, I love my mother to bits but I would no more have wanted her at the birth of my children than Donald Trump.

My DM and mil were outside the room (csection) when I had mine

DF and fil were in the hospital room. They were my first and I wanted my parents close so il were too

I asked my DM to be there for the birth of DD. I'm glad I did, I was scared shitless and DP just wouldn't have cut it in terms of reassurance the same as DM.

However (I've mentioned this on here before) my DMIL turned up as I was being stitched and just waltzed in. I didn't even see her arrive, I just remember having my legs in stirrups with a light shining down onto my Fanjo and looking over to see DMIL holding my baby. I wasn't in theatre, I was in the delivery suite after forceps and episiotomy.

That took the piss.

Then DM brought my attention to the fact that SIL had announced the birth of my child on FB as MIL had informed her DD had arrived.

I went nuclear. With my legs in stirrups. My DM called SIL and the post was removed sharpish.

So my DM was absolutely fine, saved my sanity but MIL stressed me the fuck out.

Talk to your midwife vampirethriller, no is a complete answer. What does your partner say?

I would be OK with not being there. If she wanted me, I would be there obvs!

But I would not expect it, no way.

This involved her giving a blow by blow aspect of her pregnancies 40 years prior. Always how much worse it had been for her.

This would totally be my DM.

And she would be panicky and flappy and just generally useless so it would end up as me having to look after her or putting her stress first and foremost. We agreed early on that we would be telling nobody when I went into labour and that's what happened - the first anyone knew was the phone calls announcing the birth 6 hrs after the birth to give us some private time as a new family.

In our district you get allowed one birth partner thank fuck. I cringe at the American trend of having entire families and in laws at the birth. Why would you want your BIL and FIL to see your vagina??

So those with mothers who are "miffed" about not being asked-did they have their mums there?

By choice or were forced to??

Perhaps if partners ight need the support-best for them not to be there?

I had my eldest at 18. My Mother came with me. I was in labour for hours. She went down to phone my Aunt to give her an update. I had the baby when she was gone. It was like I couldn't relax in front of her. I think you have to be very comfortable with the person who is with you. Sometimes that might be your partner or it might be your mother.

No one has the right to watch anyone else give birth- not the pregnant woman's mother, not the baby's father, no one! It's when topics like this one come up that I am happy I am a somewhat stroppy and blunt person because if anyone had suggested they had a right to be present when I birthed my children I wouldn't have had the slightest hesitation in telling them very forcefully to think again.

Ugh I cannot imagine anything worse....my body my baby my damn rules for the birth

I've said it on another post...id rather walk through a cactus field covered in lemon juice before I'd have my mother at either of my births

I am probably being unreasonable but I do often question the arrogance of mothers who insist on attending (not the ones that the daughter wants there...i don't get it but it's personal choice and up to the labouring woman)

It makes it all about them...its "their right"...not controlling at all is it ?

My Dmum knew Better than to suggest it tbh (even 2.5 hours away with not being told when I was going in for C section she STILL managed to ring the nurses station 3 times while I was in recovery ...imagine what she would have been like actually there !!)

Trigger to follow

I also query...with DS2 things went badly wrong very very fast...which resulted in me being run at full speed unconscious in a wheelchair into the delivery suite with 3 anaesthetists two doctors and two midwives desperately trying to get lines in to get him out, conversations that left Exdh in zero doubt out lives were in imminent danger and a fun experience in ICU for me , NICU for ds2, lumbar punctures and incubators the whole shebang)

Who in hell wants to see or be involved in that?

End trigger

Your body your rules....anyone who argues needs to seriously review their entitlement

I was single when I had DD, so my mum offered to be there. I was quite surprised as she's very squeamish. She was brilliant, though. Her role was not at all glamorous and involved helping me on and off with paper pants and pads, and mopping up the amniotic fluid that kept dripping down my legs. I was glad Mum got to see DD right after she was born as I felt she deserved to.

I completely agree that it's up to the woman giving birth. It makes me angry to read about partners who "invite" members of their family to be there without the woman's permission, or about pushy relatives who invite themselves. It's a difficult, painful, risky and undignified medical procedure, not an entertainment show.

Nobody has any "right" to be there at all. It is entirely up to the woman who is giving birth.

I only had DH at the births of my 3 DDs. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else. It would never have occurred to me to have my mother. She wouldn't have wanted to be there either, and saw her support role (when DD2 and DD3 were born anyway) as looking after the older ones while I was in hospital.

If my DDs ever have children of their own I certainly won't be claiming any entitlement to be present at the births. I will provide whatever support they want me to, if they want it. The choice will be theirs entirely. Not mine.

It truly is up to the woman.

My DD was only 17 when she gave birth and she wanted me there. The MIL was bent because SHE thought she should be there instead.

I'm a registered nurse who worked in LD and I was my daughter's labor coach along with her DH.

So completely up to the woman as to what she wants to do.

I asked my mum to come in for my first DC and she didn't think it was appropriate but then later on she says she regretted not going.

I've had mums who had their entire families in there too.

I feel sorry for the Dads when the mum is there, I think it detracts from his role and is a special moment between a couple (obviously a different story if it's not a couple happily having a baby together!)

Special moment?
Giving birth?
Seriously?

Dads role surely is to support the woman pushing a child out of her body in agony and to be next of kin to both mother and baby if needs be.

My mother was adamant she would be at my births. I had four c sections so she was never in the running to be my only support person. That was for my dh to experience. If any of my girls want me there I’ll be there, but otherwise, ring me after those precious first hours.

Is it much more the norm in some.areas than others?

I wonder whether - and this is based entirely on OBEM! - it's an age thing? The younger women on that nearly always have their mum with them, whereas the older ones generally seem to only do that if they don't have a partner.

I adore my mum, but I think she'd be a bit horrified if I asked her to be there when I gave birth - I'm 38 weeks and I think she finds it hard enough seeing me be uncomfortable in late pregnancy! I think she'd really struggle to see me in serious pain. I also wouldn't want her there - it feels like something that is very much just for me and DH. Also, again based on OBEM, I'm not sure it's a great idea to have two birthing partners - watching that, the problem is that the people who aren't in pain sit there having a nice chat that distracts them from the actual woman giving birth, which would piss me right off!

My MIL wanted to be there but understood when I declined. I only wanted my dp there - it’s just such a private moment for me.

With dd if she is pregnant one day and she wants me there of course I will be but it’s totally up to her.

In the old days, it used to be the midwife (or equivalent) and closest women, wasn't it? I suppose it's one of those things that women expect to bond over.
But, these days, where fathers are involved, it doesn't make much sense. Unless the father is useless as helper.

My mum, dad and DH were there when I was labouring and pushing ( my choice ) then it turned into anemergency C section so just me and DH at that point .

I feel sorry for the Dads when the mum is there, I think it detracts from his role and is a special moment between a couple

Hahaha I couldn’t have given a fuck whether DH was there or not, it was all about me and the baby trying to get her born No special couple moment whatsoever. For all I know he’d stepped out to take a slash, my focus was not on him in the slightest.