For thinking women aren't entitled to watch their daughters give birth?

[LOL7]

Hello,
So this is a bit of a thread. I've just had an 'argument' in the loosest sense of the word on fb with women who are moaning about their daughters 'not letting them be there' for the birth of their grandchildren! Aibu for being totally shocked about this sense of entitlement or 'right' that women should automatically be able to watch their daughter go through labour and birth just because it's their daughters giving birth to their grandchildren?

I disagree with the posters saying it depends on the relationship with your mother (well ok I can understand it to a degree) but I think it says more about the relationship with your DP rather than DM.

My mum and I are very very close, tell each other everything etc but I didn’t want her at the birth. My cousin who is close with hers but not that close wants her every step of the way. Personal preference!

can't think of anything worse. No way did I want my mother there and I have absolutely no intention of being there if my dds ever have kids. it's a grim, messy process and I haven't the slightest desire to watch anyone go through it

Hell no! I would have hated to have anyone other than DH there. Far too private.

Do you think it’s this increasing gender segregation we seem to have?

Where women want a daughter to share “girly” experiences with. To go shopping, getting nails done, pamper days, spa days etc. While the men and sons go play football or some other macho manly thing.

This is now extending to birth. It being a girly thing to share and bond over

Nobody has the "right" to be in there apart from the mum doing the pushing....everyone else is optional and entirely doing to the mum-to-be

My mum always assumed that she would be there to witness the birth of her grandchildren (never discussed it, just always an assumption!). When I found out I was expecting DS I had to have a very difficult conversation saying that I didn't want her at the birth. I'm not sure she's every quite forgiven me.
I love my mum but she gets very wound up about things and there is no way I would have wanted her getting agitated and worried (she had a very bad birthing experience) whilst I was in labour.

@reallyanotherone interesting point! My mum wants to be there with my first because she never had her mum there and wishes she did - I know she'll want to be there for support.

But - we've spoken before about labour etc in general and she's told me not to have an epidural etc and I know when it comes to it she won't stop... I'd also like to enjoy it with my husband. Not sure what to do because I know it'll break my mums heart

My mum was there for both of my births and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Shes a midwife though so is used to it and i got treated much better with her being there, or so I felt anyway.

I was present when my youngest daughter gave birth but not when my eldest did. The choice was entirely theirs - it was their moment and they chose who to share it with.

Maybe a rule should be if you’re not there for the conception then you shouldn’t expect to be at the birth.

I have a great relationship with my mum , very close, talk every day etc but would never have her present at my birth. She would probably not want to be there anyway! Neither of us get it.

My mother has been at the birth of 3 grandchildren. I was also at the birth of my nephew. For me, it was wonderful having her there. she supported my husband and me. She got us what we needed so that he could be my support. When my nephew was born, it was our oldest sister, me and her husband. we laughed, were yelled at, and basically jumped when she jumped. The midwife said it was the easiest and most fun she had had at a birth. I had a birds eye view of his birth. I don't remember much except my complete awe of seeing him born. He is 20 years old now and my attachment to him is immense. absolute miracle.

your mother doesn't need to be down below. she is there for you. sharing that moment with her is immense.

Bounceandclimb
I just honestly prefer my mother to be with me, my husband was there in the labour room until that crucial time came then he would wait outside. Once the baby has arrived my husband comes in and mum always disappears. For me personally that's the way I like it and feel most comfortable. I think it also depends on the mother. My mother is not intrusive at all, she is very supportive and non critical of both me and my husband. So for us its ideal

100% agree that it’s no one’s right to be present at a birth other than the one giving birth, the baby/ies (and midwife/obstetrician).

But that it’s also the right of the birthing mother to choose exactly who she wants to support her through that labour/birth. When I was a midwife I saw all sorts, some birth partners who definitely shouldn’t have been as their presence clearly didn’t help the woman labour productively. But also some utterly amazing ones too. The best unconventional ones include a best friends’ mother/father/friend ‘from work’.

Parent I could imagine dh not seeing his baby before his mother in law; that doesn't seem right to me.

Couldn’t.8

My mum wanted to be at the hospital waiting... so she could be straight in after the birth. Ha! No. I wanted a bath and a sleep before seeing anyone.

She also told anyone who’d listen that she didn’t think I was prepared for labour and that I wouldn’t cope... because I didn’t want to watch a video of a woman giving birth.
I find the whole ordeal pretty gross, and I have no need to ever watch it as a spectator.

I coped just fine with sudoku and G&A, occasionally my partner (now ex) tried to touch my hand.. that wasn’t allowed either 😂

Would be interesting to know how many of them had their mums there when they were giving birth - particularly if they invited their mums or just had the mums invite themselves...

No way would I want my mum at a birth - and then when ds1 was born, dh was very ill, dmum and dsis volunteered to come and be my birth partner. dh was able to be there for short periods and daunt also stepped in, in a personal capacity rather than as a medic.

I remember being on the bed in the birthing suite with my mum and sis sitting at the end of the bed and just feeling that I knew they were there because they loved me and wanted to help - but I felt like a monkey in the zoo being watched. It was horrible. Nothing really happened.

Thank goodness they went off and daunt turned up for another turn with dh - and I think it's no coincidence that the midwives went from discussing all sorts of things to speed things up as they thought nothing was happening (I'd been induced so they were expecting things to happen and I was way behind the curve of what should have happened) to ds being born very quickly (to the point that they were telling me that I'd got hours and hours left and then being surprised when I was pushing and ds1 popped out a few minutes later).

Needless to say when ds2 was born, I'd moved and when dmum volunteered to help, rapidly co-opted her to look after ds1 and booked a doula to help in the delivery room... she was wonderful and ds2 popped out very quickly, and no stress for dh who was still ill enough for me to worry about, hence getting extra support but done professionally!

I have 2 ds so don't ever expect to be in a delivery room again... If I had a dil who I was close to and she asked I would consider it - but only if she was really really sure and knew what she was letting herself in for, and who would be happy to tell me to go if she realised she didn't want me there!

Oh god NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking I’m with you there. Dh tried to touch my arm and I ‘politely’ told him to not touch me and stay away from me. He was scared to attempt to again after that

Maybe a rule should be if you’re not there for the conception then you shouldn’t expect to be at the birth.

Even if you were there at the conception, you still have no right to be at the birth unless the mother says you can.

I can certainly see why so many women would rather their mother wasn't there, but I don't understand why anyone would be surprised if someone was close to her mother and did prefer her as a birthing partner. After all, she's been through it herself.

At any rate, nobody has any 'right' to be at a birth unless the mother says so.

No way would I want my mum. She has a habit of saying just the wrong thing at the worst time!

Dh is the only person I wanted when I had dd. He's the only person I want there for the current bump. I trust him, he knows me and my preferences for labour, and it's his child too so he should be as involved as possible I think. Having my mum there would take something away from him I think. Also he got to have time to cuddle with dd while I was being stitched up / eating toast/ having a bath etc. If someone else had been there he wouldn't have had that time.

I just had my DP with me with our DD was born. He was all I needed, it is between a couple as far as I am concerned. I didn’t think about having my mum there for 1 second. As soon as I was on the ward with baby my DP called my parents and my brother and they saw her first. The in laws saw her after a week, I wasn’t exactly at my best and was uncomfortable with it.

I desperately wanted my mum there as I was so scared of the father of my baby. But he threw her out.

NotUmbongoUnchained That’s terrible, that was your decision and not his; how awful for your experience