Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking women aren't entitled to watch their daughters give birth?

341 replies

LOL7 · 02/07/2018 11:47

Hello,
So this is a bit of a Hmm thread. I've just had an 'argument' in the loosest sense of the word on fb with women who are moaning about their daughters 'not letting them be there' for the birth of their grandchildren! Aibu for being totally shocked about this sense of entitlement or 'right' that women should automatically be able to watch their daughter go through labour and birth just because it's their daughters giving birth to their grandchildren?

OP posts:
I8toys · 03/07/2018 17:46

Its not a right. My mum and dh were at the birth of my first. I wanted her there and it didn't seem a big deal. Its not a big issue - do it or don't - totally upto the person giving birth.

Roselind · 03/07/2018 17:49

I think the point is that, whilst it should be up to the person giving birth, some sort of pressure seems to be developing whereby a mother to be is considered "odd" not to want her mother there (and conversely the mother, if she does not want to be there with her DD).
After all, a couple who decide not to have the man there are considered unusual these days - whereas 50 years ago it would have been normal.
So I am just hoping it is not going to become a thing since no way do I want to see any of my children or their partners give birth. I don't even want to be pacing the corridors of the hospital.

GerdaLovesLili · 03/07/2018 18:08

Ye gods! If my mother had threatened to attend the birth with me, I'd have crossed my legs so hard, he'd still be in there 9 years later.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 03/07/2018 18:10

Nobody is entitled to watch anyone give birth. It's 100% up to the labouring woman who she wants there. That includes the father. If for whatever reason she doesn't want him there, out he goes.

It's the only time when people seem to think patient confidentiality doesn't apply. If there's anyone whom you'd rather didn't see you in pain, tearing, shitting yourself, whatever, then guess what - they don't have a right to be there.

NataliaOsipova · 03/07/2018 18:12

Ye gods! If my mother had threatened to attend the birth with me, I'd have crossed my legs so hard, he'd still be in there 9 years later.

Can't think of a better way to put it.....😂😂😂

Jamjarjem · 03/07/2018 18:14

I had my mam there at the birth of my daughter, as soon as I found out I was pregnant I knew I wanted her to be there. I don't think I could have done it had she not been there, she was amazing. Knew everything I needed before I even asked for it and also knew when to back off near the birth so it could be me and my husband together when it happened. It was quite a traumatic birth and to be honest I needed all the help and support I could get

londonmummy1966 · 03/07/2018 18:14

No way on earth would I have had my dear mamma there - also no way on earth she would have wanted to although I guess if I'd asked her she'd have gritted her teeth and seen it through. Just as well for her I didn't .....

Kerala2712 · 03/07/2018 18:19

Not only did my mum not want to be there, she didn’t feel it was necessary for dh to be there after the first- dads didn’t in her day....and I wouldn’t have wanted her there (too anxious/ histrionic), as others have said- privelege not right. As for MIL thats just laughable....

glamorousgrandmother · 03/07/2018 18:27

My mother was with me when I gave birth although she didn't want me to be pregnant in the first place. I was on my own and glad she was there.

I was with my daughter and her DH when she had twins in hospital. I held the first twin while the second was born. Her next was a home birth and I was there too. The next (!) was at the hospital again but I was needed to look after the other three.

I didn't expect to be there, though I was glad to be asked. It's a personal thing and should be the mother's choice.

UterusUterusGhali · 03/07/2018 18:29

I cannot tell you how many mums and MILs (and DF's sometimes) I've had to barricade out of the delivery suite. Some think it's their absolute right. They shout. they phone demanding updates. They tantrum when you tell them you can't give out info. They sneak into the ward. A FIL once managed to march into the room while the lady was in lithotomy being sutured!

The poor woman is begging staff to get rid of them most of the time. Nasty, bullying people.

lindyloo57 · 03/07/2018 18:31

I was at the birth of my first two grandchilderen, DD wanted me to be there, when she had her third, i arived to late by seconds, my ex had to deliver the baby, a home birth, i think i am glad i was late.

viques · 03/07/2018 18:38

I think programmes like one born every minute have a lot to answer for, I'm pretty sure that lure of being on telly has encouraged the attitude that giving birth is a spectator sport for any random relative/friend who fancies blowing up a rubber glove/sitting on a birthing ball/ having a swig of gas and air/ sending texts to their bff "omg I 'm going to be on telly with my friend having a bay bee"

topcat2014 · 03/07/2018 18:39

DW's DM was safely the other side of the world on holiday at the time.

That left the two of us and a consultant, lots of nurses, operating theatre which was just fine.

As the DH, I would have found it very wierd if DMil was there - and would probably have ended up leaving myself - and then later regretting that too.

AveABanana · 03/07/2018 18:39

Jeez no, my mother arrived on the dot of visiting hours starting the day after Dc1 was born and only left when she was kicked out at the end of visiting hours. It was all about her - I'd not slept in about a week, Dc was born at midnight and had spent the morning with the paeds as there were concerns. On that afternoon all I wanted to do was rest, feed and hold him and I couldn't because she wouldn't shut up/bugger off/let him go. Fuck knows what she would have been like on the labour ward.

perfectstorm · 03/07/2018 18:42

That's insane. The only people entitled to be there when someone gives birth is that person, the baby, and the medical professional(s). Anyone else is there if it helps the woman, and she wants them present.

Apart from anything else, there's strong evidence that hormones controlling the birth are impeded if she's scared or tense at all. It is literally easier to birth if the woman's feelings are respected.

dragonara53 · 03/07/2018 18:44

I was at two of my daughter's first births. Their partners were at the other births. I'm glad I was at one of my daughter's babies birth as the midwife was a right bitch to her.

Blackness78 · 03/07/2018 18:45

My mum was there with my first. I regret it, she was behaving like a bitch and made me cry more than the pain.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 03/07/2018 18:47

I asked my mum to be at both my births, she was amazing, but I can see that not everyone would want their mum there. It's certainly not a 'right'

Rosequartz7 · 03/07/2018 18:49

My mum assumed that she would be there with me. I just wanted then DP with me and told her no to which she huffed.
As it turned out DP kept 'going off for a coffee' then staying away for hours and she managed to sneak in but as I was in agony unable to speak and he was off somewhere she somehow found me and sat next to me trying to do some batshit healing on me.
They broke my waters and baby was distressed and I ended up getting blue lighted to the city hospital. She followed but went the wrong way and turned up demanding to see me while I was pushing. Lovely midwives wouldn't let her in despite her trying to shove her way through and I gave birth in relative peace.
She still got in straight afterwards and started complaining about how it had been so AWFUL for her not knowing which way the ambulance had gone and how she "couldn't see through her tears" and how the horrible midwives wouldn't let her in.
I wouldn't say she completely ruined it but she did a good job, I wish I had never let her know I was in labour.
She didn't give a shit about me, just her rights and made the whole thing about her.
Which is why I didn't want her there in the first place!

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 03/07/2018 18:51

I didn’t even want DH there! (And he wasn’t). IF my DD asks me to be there then I would but only at her specific request. It never even crossed my mind to have anyone else there either time that I gave birth....

Sleepsoon7 · 03/07/2018 18:51

YAdefinitelyNBU

Blackness78 · 03/07/2018 18:53

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson*

user1493391099 · 03/07/2018 18:56

Can’t be doing with interfering mother’s who can’t stand the thought of their daughter being married or with someone and not having them all to themselves. I find it odd that some grown people find more comfort in their mothers being there than their husbands or partners. Why not just use a sperm donor? These women do not give their partners a thought, they probably want to tell the mother in law to you know what in what should be a special moment between the two of them. I’m sorry but three is a crowd. I call mothers like this mrs Bates.

Blackness78 · 03/07/2018 19:00

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson do we have the same mother? Shock

My mother told me to shut up and stop making a fuss. Then went around telling everyone how I made too much noise. The doctor was an arse, refusing to give me an epidural and smirked when I screamed out in pain.

I cringe at the thought of her being there, now. I am sure she contributed to my post-natal depression, as well as the Doctor.

I felt so damn helpless.

littlemisssunshine81 · 03/07/2018 19:06

OMG you are not being unreasonable.
I can’t think of anything worse than having my mum there!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.