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AIBU?

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Original poster

For thinking women aren't entitled to watch their daughters give birth?

341 replies

LOL7 · 02/07/2018 11:47

Hello,
So this is a bit of a Hmm thread. I've just had an 'argument' in the loosest sense of the word on fb with women who are moaning about their daughters 'not letting them be there' for the birth of their grandchildren! Aibu for being totally shocked about this sense of entitlement or 'right' that women should automatically be able to watch their daughter go through labour and birth just because it's their daughters giving birth to their grandchildren?

OP posts:
Coughy · 02/07/2018 21:05

I really wanted and needed my mum. Dp wasnt supportive. But no its not a right.

lulabaloo · 02/07/2018 21:08

i didnt have my mum at my births as we arnt that close! but i have a daughter and would love it if she wanted me there when the time came.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 02/07/2018 21:21

My community midwife was visiting pre-delivery so l could choose which essential oils l liked that l could then be massaged with in labour. DM scoffed at the idea and in fairness she was correct as they remained unused and proceeded to tell us both that she had fallen apart during labour (screaming hysterically etc) and therefore l would too Hmm (l didn't).

She then said she had told work that she might "need to rush off to me" when I'm in labour. I told her in front of my midwife very firmly that l had already told her l would NOT be having her there and that was final.

STBXH was all l needed and he was great as he still liked me at that point

elfycat · 02/07/2018 21:37

DH wasn't sure if he'd be a good birth partner (wimp with blood etc) or if he'd be there at all (military) so I asked DM to be co-birth partner. We have a great adult relationship and she's a good influence Grin

As it turned out DH was a good birth partner, and I'm not in need of much support. I got to 10cm and pushing before we realised so DM was called late and told to take it easy as it would be over before she got to the hospital.

She'd offered to stay after the birth for a few days. DH was worried about 'entertaining' her. I laughed and said she was there to work and help us not like his DM would be

She was a god-send. Arrived late to the birth but was allowed to pop in as a birth partner. I had DD1 prem and in the middle of the night so she came in the morning to support me as DH was knackered. She then ran the house while DH and I were stuck in hospital; feeding DH, buying prem stuff etc. DH could focus on DD1.

With DD2 she was our DD1 watcher. Came for my labour and ran the house for a week for us.

I wouldn't expect to be allowed near DDs if they have children but if asked I'd be happy to offer support in any way that would aid them.

babybrain86 · 02/07/2018 21:40

My mum offered to be there if I wanted her but was not offended when I wanted it to be just me and DP (as it happened I had an emergency c-section so she wouldn't have been allowed in anyway)
She did come straight up when DD was born (well after we'd had a couple of hours alone time as a new family) armed with a big flask of tea just the way I like it and a few rounds of pate on toast which I'd craved the whole pregnancy- now that was HUGELY appreciated!!!

flopsyandjim · 02/07/2018 21:41

my mum was there at my DDs birth although the midwives tried to send her away. She had to kind of exaggerate and say she was my 'carer' (I'm disabled)

I'm glad she was there though because DDs birth was going the exact same way as the birth she had with me, and which left me disabled. DH would never have recognised the signs or known what to do. Having my DM there meant she was able to be forceful with the midwives and basically take no shit.

DM recognised that the g&a wasn't working, she pushed for an epidural (they tried to give the 'anaesthetist is busy' excuse which I have since been told by a MW friend is to reduce epidural numbers).

My DM also pushed for a more senior person to examine me who then agreed things were going wrong and the baby was in distress. It was all an absolute nightmare and I'm so very thankful for my wonderful DM.

cupcakesandglitter · 02/07/2018 21:42

I do wonder about this - my mom has made it clear for years that she can't wait to be there at mine because she never had her mom there and wishes she had... I don't know how to tell her no. Sometimes I think it'd be nice support, but then I also think it's a moment I want to share with DP so I'm leaning more towards just the two of us. I can already imagine i arguments!!!

Fairynormal · 02/07/2018 21:42

I had my mum with me for two of my natural births, she was waiting outside theatre when I had my third baby, but when I had babies 4 & 5 she said I didn’t need her, had a different husband by babies 4 & 5, she was right I didn’t need her, but I wanted her. I was my sisters birthing partner when she had her first baby, and I was there when my daughter gave birth to her first baby. Even after having 5 of my own, I would not have missed being a birthing partner to my sister and my daughter. On both these occasions I was told by the midwifery team that they were going to borrow me for their other ladies, and that I should think about training to be a doula, I talked both my sister and daughter through every single contraction. I would love to be a doula, but the wheelchair gets in the way! If I wasn’t a wheelchair user it would be totally on the cards.

Barbie222 · 02/07/2018 21:43

I'd rather not go to anybody's birth, it's not a fun time and I'd be totally useless.

ILoveDolly · 02/07/2018 21:44

My mum was in the house but she was staying with me at the time so she could help look after my other children. I remember her saying that it was quite distressing knowing I was in Labour and I think she would have preferred NOT to have been so near. She didn't come in the room though. Just don't get why you'd want your mum in there with you.

upaladderagain · 02/07/2018 21:44

Dd had a baby last year, and it never occurred to me that I would have any part in such an intimate event between her and her dh. If she’d asked me though I’d have been totally honoured to be there and support her if that was what she wanted.
The sense of entitlement of some people never ceases to amaze me.

Usernamesareboring · 02/07/2018 21:52

I think it's odd that DMs expect to be there (would they have wanted everyone to see their bits??) but even worse when MIL's get on the 'DM is there why can't I be there' nonsense. I can understand people wanting their DM there for comfort (particularly when DP isn't) but ultimately NO ONE but the woman has a right to be there

BlackberryandNettle · 02/07/2018 21:56

Yanbu, it's so self centered of the mothers I think - seems to be all about them meeting their grandchild and no matter what the actual daughter wants

OCSock · 02/07/2018 21:58

In days gone by, say 100 years ago, it would have been normal to have your mother and a midwife with you, although you would have been at home, not in hospital, and there probably almost certainly would NOT have been an obstetrician. Fathers paced the corridors were kept well distant. Times change. In my case, my mum was several counties away, but I did go to my sister's delivery of her first born, and stayed until her DH arrived from equatorial Africa via several changes of flight. Nearly put me off having any of my own. It looked painful!

HyacinthsBucket70 · 02/07/2018 22:08

I wanted my mum there when I had my 1st. She and DH were exceptional keeping me going through a long labour and she was a great support for DH when it got a bit rough.

When my eldest DD had her 1st baby, I was privileged to be asked to be there by her and her DH. They rang and told me to go in when she was in established labour, and I arrived just as she was starting to push. Seeing my very very darling grandson born was an amazing moment and I've never been prouder of my DD. Sitting with him in my arms watching the sun rise while DD had a bath was a moment I will treasure for the rest of my life.

If my other DDs want me there, I'd be proud and privileged - if they don't, I will wait to see my new grandchild and it will be just as special. I certainly don't think it is a right by any means.

kissthealderman · 02/07/2018 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzyduck1 · 03/07/2018 06:35

Yes the should be allowed to be there maybe we could turn the delivery room into some sort of theatre with rows of seats so everyone can come and watch. You could sell popcorn / ice creams between the contractions.

And maybe get a commentator in maybe David Attenborough to give running comentory and to warm up the crowd for the main event.

Alconleigh · 03/07/2018 07:45

Are any Americans on this thread? I wondered if it really is common for childbirth to be the total zoo which is represented on TV shows / that thread etc, or if that is actually just an extreme subset?

If it is common, what's the thinking behind having half the world at an intimate, risky, possibly 2 life threatening medical procedure, which involves your vagina?! I genuinely can't fathom it.

User12344 · 03/07/2018 08:33

My mum wanted to be there at the birth of DS and seemed to think it was the done thing. I told her I did not want her there, she got upset and insisted she would sit downstairs in the cafe "just in case I needed her". During my labour she practically sat outside the delivery suite and ended up coming in a couple of times (though not for the actual birth). I regret not being more firm with her - it was a special moment for me and my partner and I wanted it to be just the two of us!

Funnyface1 · 03/07/2018 09:35

When I was pregnant with my first and due anytime I remember my dm saying "sod what your DH wants, if you want me, you tell him and I'll be there."

But I didn't want her there. And where she got the idea that DH was the problem I really don't know.

When I had my second she was looking after my first for me.

GiantPandaAttacks · 03/07/2018 10:51

This level of entitlement reminds of an expression of my mothers - the only wedding a woman gets is her daughters.

seventhgonickname · 03/07/2018 11:03

My mum was there when I had df but only because I asked,exbh was useless.
But,giving birth dies seem to have become a spectator sport!As for the extended family in the waiting room all ready to rush in...

Vinorosso74 · 03/07/2018 17:30

Nobody is entitled to be present when a woman is giving birth. Surely it's the choice of the woman who will be in labour who is there.
I would have hated to have had my mum there!

GunslingerPie · 03/07/2018 17:35

I would expect it to be entirely the choice of the birthee!

I had my mum with me at my first because I was a teen mum and she brought me a lot of comfort at a very scary time. At my second one though I was in my thirties so I doubt she even expected to be askedGrin

I do feel very privileged that she was able to witness the first and pleased that she was able to experience it- it definitely brought us closer.

user1484424013 · 03/07/2018 17:44

I had my mum all 3 and my husband. We both agreed as I'm a hardcore bitch who will.not have pain relief if it came down to only one person being allowed would be mummy..... not a right though and luckily my last was a perfect home birth

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