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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to speak to my brother about his wedding

289 replies

DaphneCrane · 02/07/2018 10:38

My brother got married on Saturday. My mother felt very left out in The weeks leading up to the event. My parents offered some money and he accepted but it was something for the house he chose to spend money on. Fair enough!
My mother did start asking me about bridesmaids/ushers etc. Finally a few weeks ago my brother came round... he lives 90 miles awy. He asked me how I felt about no kids at wedding. I said that I would be upset but would accept it but I think mum and dad would be devastated. Her niece was chosen as bridesmaid but was leaving before reception. Well off he went to mum’s and a few days later my eldest child was asked to be an attendant. We were told that the outfit could be bought at a certain shop in their home town. Against my husband’s wishes off I trekked to get outfit. Then my brother made noises about my inlaws... could they trek the best part of 100 miles to hold my younger child outside church? My husband at this point wanted to leave kids at home. I refused.
So wedding arrives eldest child really didn’t want to walk down aisle but managed it. Not a squeak out of baby.
Arrived at reception. My husband and children were separated from me and actually put into an orangery type thing attached to the main room. My husband was joined by my cousin’s partner and her child (whose presence another one my mother fought for) and by the bride’s brother in law. He apparently bellowed at cousin’s partner and asked her if she was the one who insisted the kids were invited. My husband pointed out that no that would be his wife. They then sat in silence for two hours just speaking with the kids. No alcohol could be served in this veranda thing. Kids tried to get down so cousin’s partner took them in grounds but was told by maitre d type person speeches were now on so she couldn’t go back in.
Both my mum and I were in tears. My dad wanted to say something to brother but we didn’t let him. My husband went upstairs with kids and stayed there all night not letting anyone relieve him. He is completely pissed off with me saying he wanted to punch arsey brother-in-law of sister-in-law. He is saying to just leave it but I want to talk to my brother. Do people think this was my fault. We are actually still in hotel trying to have a holiday. and my dad is paying.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 02/07/2018 17:50

The whole point of a wedding is that it's supposed to be a celebration of a marriage and the joining, not only of a couple but of two families, with extended family and friends in attendance.

For you. For other people it may be different.

KreigersClones · 02/07/2018 18:05

You are NOT entitled to demand changes and throw a fit when things don't go the way you want
I agree. I just wouldn’t have gone

Fruitcorner123 · 02/07/2018 18:07

I agree with chocolatedoll I think if you had worded your OP differently you would be having different responses.It's poor form to have one niece as part of the bridal party and another niece and nephew not involved at all. it doesn't matter whether they were at the ceremony only. it does sound like your mum interfered but I can see why you were hurt.

but if you don't like it, you don't go

if the OP came on and said Aibu to not go to.my brothers wedding because he didn't include my son and daughter she would definitely be told she was being unreasonable.

you definitely shouldnt speak to him about it though. Just leave it now. It was very poorly managed by your brother and his wife. Your mum handled it badly too. No one needed to cry though!

Fruitcorner123 · 02/07/2018 18:07

*it's poor form

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/07/2018 18:16

Wow, the twisting and turning trying to make the DB and DSiL wrong is amazing.

Bearfam · 02/07/2018 18:20

But they didn't say no kids? They asked kids to be part of the ceremony. Or am I missing something?

Pandora79 · 02/07/2018 18:21

It's really not poor form for the bride's niece to be bridesmaid and the groom's niece/nephew to not be an attendant.

Especially where it's been made clear that kids aren't invited. Only one was and only to the ceremony. That all changed because of the Ops mother.

The brother in law was probably looking forward to a child free wedding as well, I know I do. I quite like it when people have child free weddings, if I can't get a baby sitter, I don't go.

The bil was probably looking forward to a kids free evening, but then (Because the grooms family kicked off) he didn't get that.

slashlover · 02/07/2018 18:32

if the OP came on and said Aibu to not go to.my brothers wedding because he didn't include my son and daughter she would definitely be told she was being unreasonable.

If OP came on and said 'My kids aren't invited to my bothers wedding, AIBU to get my mother to speak to DB to get my kids an invite?" then she would have been told she was being VV unreasonable.

ChocolateDoll · 02/07/2018 18:42

She couldn’t win then, really, could she?!

slashlover · 02/07/2018 18:45

But one takes into account the bride and grooms wishes and the other tramples all over them.

ChocolateDoll · 02/07/2018 18:52

“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.”

Yes, well you do that love, and see what worthwhile relationships you have left once the party’s over.

MonochromeDog · 02/07/2018 19:06

What kind of a dick doesn't want their own nieces/nephews at their wedding? Shock

OP the only thing you did wrong here was going to your brother's wedding when he hadn't invited your children. You should have told him to stick his invitation.

milliemolliemou · 02/07/2018 19:50

Agree with Distance - it might have been the union of two families in the past but no longer. We have 17 children family backaway and that's 150 all on its own few of whom we know. I'm close to my DB and his DC, as is my DS. My DS wants us all at his wedding and neither I nor his future DMIL want to be involved any further than turning up and enjoying the day. He and his bride want it to be child-free - and no one is questioning it. I agree OP's mother seems to have stirred the whole thing and should have kept her nose out.

Gottokondo · 02/07/2018 20:06

My mother felt very left out of wedding planning and knew nothing about what was happening.

It wasn't her -or your- party to plan. Anyone who throws a party can plan whatever they like and invite whoever they want to attend. Just because this party is because of a wedding doesn't make the rules any different. You are all being overly dramatic about someone elses party.

Mamabear14 · 02/07/2018 20:11

Between me and DH we have 13 siblings and sibling in laws and and 15 nieces and nephews. All under 16. We were originally having a big wedding, then changed our mind, booked one for 6 weeks away and just took our parents and our own kids.
Nobody said anything to our faces, although I'm sure they were pissed off. At the end of the day it was our decision. Nobody else, and if anyone had tried to force anything I wouldn't have been best pleased.
It was their wedding, you or your mum had no reason to be involved, let alone devastated you weren't getting your own way!

Fruitcorner123 · 02/07/2018 20:16

Pandora79

It's really not poor form for the bride's niece to be bridesmaid and the groom's niece/nephew to not be an attendant.

the groom's niece/nephew were not even invited originally. If no children then no children. You can't just invite the bride's family children and not the groom's and not expect to hurt people's feelings. If they really felt strongly about having children they should have had NO children.

DistanceCall · 02/07/2018 20:23

If no children then no children. You can't just invite the bride's family children and not the groom's and not expect to hurt people's feelings.

As I said, you are entitled to feel whatever you feel. And you are perfectly entitled to think that inviting the bride's niece for the ceremony and no other children is churlish.

But if you don't like it, you don't go. You don't get to dictate how other people do their weddings, however much you disagree.

Daddystepdaddy · 02/07/2018 20:32

I'll never understand the no kids thing, it just denies the fundamental aspect of the family event that weddings are.

It seems acceptable now for couples to behave like entitled arseholes about their weddings and apparently any and all totally unreasonable behaviour has to 'be respected'. Maybe it is something to do with people getting married later and holding weddings they can't really afford.

Graphista · 02/07/2018 20:40

So your mother rode roughshod over your brother & his then fiancées wedding plans?

Pressured them to not only invite children when they wanted a kids free wedding but to include them in the wedding party! How old is her niece & how old are the other children that your mother pushed on them? So similar ages - I can see why that would seem unfair, still NOT your mothers business to insist -that's never going to go down well - and not unusual for bride to only have attendants from her side of the family. It IS rude to have someone as an attendant not be welcome at the wedding breakfast!

"They’re people, not a table setting. Pricks" exactly! Shoddy behaviour.

Your mother was WAY out of order. ESPECIALLY the insistence of a distant cousins attendance.

"but naturally wanted her whole family there" but it's NOT HER WEDDING!

I personally disagree with child free weddings but I would never push children on people! I've never been invited to one, all the weddings I've been to have been (to my mind) traditional family affairs with guests of all ages BUT if I had been when dd was much younger I'd have simply declined. Personally I do think it's rude to have brides niece invited and NOT grooms niece & nephew especially as they're similar ages. But again in OP'S position on this, I'd have just declined. Bride & groom get to have wedding they want, they don't get to insist on attendance.

The treatment of GUESTS was appalling too!

To be in tears at all this is ridiculous drama queen behaviour (as was Drs & your husbands behaviour).

Honestly it sounds like your whole family are seriously lacking in manners! You all ought to be thoroughly embarrassed!

POINTLESS causing an argument now with your brother & sil - what's done is done. You ALL owe each other apologies, but particularly your mother as she caused all the tension. And what on EARTH would your dad have said??

"Bride and groom know nothing of upset but I want to talk about my husband being isolated without a drink and how rude his brother-in-law was." WHY? At this point what would it achieve? Are you actually likely to see him again?

At this point least said, sooner mended.

And maybe all sign yourselves up for etiquette lessons!

Fruitcorner123 · 02/07/2018 20:46

I can't get over the number of people who think that the OP should have declined her own brother's wedding if she wasn't happy with the arrangements. It is rude to invite children from one side of the family and not the other. However it is also rude to put pressure on someone to invite particular people to their wedding. Everyone has been rude here (with the possible exception of the OP who would be rude to bring this up now with her brother)

Shortstuff08 · 02/07/2018 20:47

the groom's niece/nephew were not even invited originally. If no children then no children. You can't just invite the bride's family children and not the groom's and not expect to hurt people's feelings. If they really felt strongly about having children they should have had NO children.

The niece was only attending the ceremony, originally. It was after the Ops mother moaned that they invited the niece to the whole thing.

Dungeondragon15 · 02/07/2018 20:59

It was after the Ops mother moaned that they invited the niece to the whole thing.

They invited them but then put them in a separate room away from the reception where the adults looking after them couldn't even get a drink. I don't blame OP for being upset or her DH for being angry.

Fluffyrainbows · 02/07/2018 21:37

Does no one else just think weddings are awful? They are so full of drama and me-me-me. And such a waste of money. My sister is getting married next summer and they've chose a wedding abroad and invited about 150 guests. I can't afford the travel for myself and rest of family. It would cost £3000-4000 for us to attend. I genuinely couldn't give a monkeys. Let them get on with it. My mum is upset as she wants all her kids and grandkids there but seriously it's their wedding let them do what they want.
If someone doesn't want kids, don't force it just don't go or get babysitters.
My other sister got married last year and I tried to go on holiday to avoid it, but my mother got really upset. So we went. I've no idea why, we aren't close, it was hardwork with the kids and very expensive. I personally did not enjoy it or really get the point of it. And all those speeches.
Do people actually enjoy them? They seem so full of stress and angst.

Wellthisunexpected · 02/07/2018 21:53

Fluffyrainbows I hate weddings, expensive, boring, hassle and faff. I dread them to be honest.

I wanted to elope but DH was having none of it and wanted a big white affair.

LakieLady · 02/07/2018 21:55

What is it with this total rubbish on mn about 'their wedding, their choice'?! That's totally ridiculous and entitled to assume that people should just be so grateful that they've been invited to a wedding that the bride and groom can do whatever they like and to hell with any family offence caused.

So if DP and I get married, and we invite his sister, BIL and niece, who I'm very close to, does that mean we have to invite his other sister, who is a snidey bitch, and his other BIL who is an ignorant racist, sexist, misogynist twat who can't be in the same room as me for more than 30 minutes without trying to provoke an argument and ends making himself look like a pillock and reducing his wife to tears?

I don't fucking think so.