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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to speak to my brother about his wedding

289 replies

DaphneCrane · 02/07/2018 10:38

My brother got married on Saturday. My mother felt very left out in The weeks leading up to the event. My parents offered some money and he accepted but it was something for the house he chose to spend money on. Fair enough!
My mother did start asking me about bridesmaids/ushers etc. Finally a few weeks ago my brother came round... he lives 90 miles awy. He asked me how I felt about no kids at wedding. I said that I would be upset but would accept it but I think mum and dad would be devastated. Her niece was chosen as bridesmaid but was leaving before reception. Well off he went to mum’s and a few days later my eldest child was asked to be an attendant. We were told that the outfit could be bought at a certain shop in their home town. Against my husband’s wishes off I trekked to get outfit. Then my brother made noises about my inlaws... could they trek the best part of 100 miles to hold my younger child outside church? My husband at this point wanted to leave kids at home. I refused.
So wedding arrives eldest child really didn’t want to walk down aisle but managed it. Not a squeak out of baby.
Arrived at reception. My husband and children were separated from me and actually put into an orangery type thing attached to the main room. My husband was joined by my cousin’s partner and her child (whose presence another one my mother fought for) and by the bride’s brother in law. He apparently bellowed at cousin’s partner and asked her if she was the one who insisted the kids were invited. My husband pointed out that no that would be his wife. They then sat in silence for two hours just speaking with the kids. No alcohol could be served in this veranda thing. Kids tried to get down so cousin’s partner took them in grounds but was told by maitre d type person speeches were now on so she couldn’t go back in.
Both my mum and I were in tears. My dad wanted to say something to brother but we didn’t let him. My husband went upstairs with kids and stayed there all night not letting anyone relieve him. He is completely pissed off with me saying he wanted to punch arsey brother-in-law of sister-in-law. He is saying to just leave it but I want to talk to my brother. Do people think this was my fault. We are actually still in hotel trying to have a holiday. and my dad is paying.

OP posts:
Oddcat · 02/07/2018 16:39

Come on, be serious - there are not many family set ups where that is the done thing.

There are I'm afraid. My DD's half sister got married recently. The bride asked their brothers gf (no blood relation at all to anyone) to be bridesmaid but not DD . Strange choice to some but it was her choice . DD was a bit upset but sucked it up, went to the wedding as a guest and had a good time.

DistanceCall · 02/07/2018 16:44

But that bride was having her own niece there, whilst not inviting her husband-to-be’s niece/nephew.

The niece left before the reception. The OP insisted on having her children at the reception.

ChocolateDoll · 02/07/2018 16:45
Confused

That’s not the same thing at all!

burnoutbabe · 02/07/2018 16:46

It's very off to be told a few weeks before a wedding that you can't bring your children, especially if it's a close family one and so any likely last minute baby sitters will be in attendance.
And yes, if you are given a gift by your parents as a wedding gift, then just spending it on the house is strange. Even if all costs covered you would say "thanks, that would cover the flowers" and also publicly acknowledge that they contributed towards the wedding.
I'd wait for sone contact from your brother, they were rude to have people and host them crapily.

slashlover · 02/07/2018 16:47

ChocolateDoll

WTF?

brother’s new wife is an ignorant cow. She may realise this when she’s older.

It couldn't have been that they decided together to have a child free wedding? Or realised that OP and DM would try to force their way in.

your mum has maintained her dignity despite her son marrying such a nobber.

Stamping her feet, whining and guilt tripping her son until extra people were added to the reception?

you husband was rightly pissed off at being treated like a second class guest.

Maybe they legally couldn't have kids in the main room? There were no kids invited when the reception was booked.

Sadly, a classic case of “A daughter’s, a daughter for the rest of your life; A son’s, a son, ‘til he finds a wife.”

Confused

My sister went to Gretna Green to get married, only people there were both sets of parents. Did I complain about it? Of course not, that was their choice and made them happy.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/07/2018 16:50

"The niece left before the reception. The OP insisted on having her children at the reception."

No. The niece was to have left before the reception, the OP insisted on nothing at all, her mother wangled her son's inclusion in the bridal party and THEN the bride's sister insisted that her children be included in the whole wedding, presumably because by then the OP's children were included in the whole wedding.

DistanceCall · 02/07/2018 16:54

You're absolutely right, Thumb - it's very convoluted.

In any case, the bride wanted to have her niece only for the ceremony, but it was the OP and her mother and sister who forced the invitation to the whole wedding.

Oddcat · 02/07/2018 16:57

ChocolateDoll not exactly the same but similar , I'm saying that brides and grooms make decisions regarding how they want their wedding and people just have to suck it up .

moofolk · 02/07/2018 17:03

People turn into absolute dicks when they are getting married. They have a party to celebrate themselves and expect everyone to be grateful. Weddings are expensive for guests and this is often not appreciated by the happy couple.
The no kids thing drives me crazy, as does the other aspects of utter selfishness associated with weddings.

Your brother and SIL were thoughtless, selfish and insensitive, but not out of the ordinary.

Dungeondragon15 · 02/07/2018 17:05

I can understand people not wanting loads of children at their wedding but excluding nephews and nieces seems quite unpleasant. I know it's their wedding but that kind of attitude would really put me off someone. I wouldn't have insisted they go but if my brother had done something like that I wouldn't have gone to his wedding and wouldn't have much to do with him in the future either.

MrsChollySawcutt · 02/07/2018 17:05

OP is your DM Peggy Mitchell? Desperate for all her faaamily to be in the wedding party??

Dungeondragon15 · 02/07/2018 17:10

My sister went to Gretna Green to get married, only people there were both sets of parents. Did I complain about it? Of course not, that was their choice and made them happy.

That's hardly the same thing. Few people mind not being invited if they didn't really invite anyone. A more similar situation would be all siblings invited except you.

lifechangesforever · 02/07/2018 17:11

How many times do we need to have threads about children at weddings?!

IT IS UP TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM WHO THEY INVITE.

Even if there was other children there, it doesn't mean yours get to be invited. It means that they wanted those children in particular there and not others.

We had 4 children at our wedding - the rest of the guests (including family) were told that children weren't allowed. Nobody raised any argument with this and were actually pleased to have a child free day.

slashlover · 02/07/2018 17:14

Weddings are expensive for guests and this is often not appreciated by the happy couple.

So don't go then...

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/07/2018 17:15

Everyone’s been a bit of an arse here but the fault starts with you OP, and your mum, getting upset and histrionic about their wedding choices.

Expressing how upset you were about the no kids rule is actually putting huge pressure on them to change it.

You and your mum crying at the reception was unbelievably self-absorbed and rude.

It’s the brother who should be having stern words with you.

Try to patch this up with apologies and hugs.

slashlover · 02/07/2018 17:17

That's hardly the same thing. Few people mind not being invited if they didn't really invite anyone. A more similar situation would be all siblings invited except you.

It's more like if a cousin had invited another cousin and not me, which has happened before. Numbers were limited and they were closer so no big deal.

OP - how often does DB see your DC? Are they really close?

DistanceCall · 02/07/2018 17:17

The bride and groom didn't want children at their wedding (except for the niece at the ceremony).

You may disagree with that. But if you don't like it, you don't go. You don't force them to invite your children and them moan and whinge when things are not arranged to your liking.

KreigersClones · 02/07/2018 17:18

If a child free wedding is actually child free, that’s one thing. When selected children are invited that’s when things get a bit more complicated, I think it’s understandable to be upset if nieces and nephews are invited from one side and not the other. People are entitled to feel some kind of way about it.

People who invite children only to be in the pictures of a ‘child free’ wedding are dickheads.
They’re people, not a table setting. Pricks

saoirse31 · 02/07/2018 17:18

You sound massively dramatic op. And the kids being upset.... You're making mountain out of molehill tbh. I really think you shouldn't use your kids as pawns..

Dungeondragon15 · 02/07/2018 17:19

lifechangesforever everyone knows that it is up to the bride and groom. However, people are allowed to think that the couple are selfish arses though in this kind of situation. Personally I am very happy to go to child free weddings but I think excluding nephews and nieces from a large wedding is not nice, not least because the people you would normally ask to babysit will often be at the wedding so it can mean siblings can't attend.

Dungeondragon15 · 02/07/2018 17:23

It's more like if a cousin had invited another cousin and not me, which has happened before. Numbers were limited and they were closer so no big deal.

I disagree. Nephews and nieces are closer relatives than cousins. Cousins may or may not be close so not surprising if some are invited but not others. Also, not inviting nephews and nieces can mean that siblings can't attend. I wouldn't have been able to I my brother had excluded my children as all the usual babysitters were at the wedding.

BrownTurkey · 02/07/2018 17:26

Its the stuff of family politics. Encourage your Mum to forgive and forget by modelling that you are doing so. Get in touch with your brother and his wife and say how much you enjoyed his wedding. Say the same repeatedly to your parents. Refuse to listen to any criticism of them. Roll your eyes about it with your husband and leave it there.

DogzDogzDogz · 02/07/2018 17:27

People BVU:
You
Your mum
Your husband

People NBU:
Your brother
Your sister-in-law

Seriously. You and your mum were both IN TEARS at the wedding reception? You were upset and your mum was devastated that it was a child free wedding? Way to make it all about you. I'd be distancing myself from you all if I were your brother and his wife. Get a grip, the lot of you drama llama snowflakes.

DistanceCall · 02/07/2018 17:43

People are entitled to feel some kind of way about it.

You're absolutely entitled to feel however you like about it.

You are NOT entitled to demand changes and throw a fit when things don't go the way you want.

blacksax · 02/07/2018 17:48

I absolutely cannot understand why some people are so insistent and refuse to allow children at weddings.

The whole point of a wedding is that it's supposed to be a celebration of a marriage and the joining, not only of a couple but of two families, with extended family and friends in attendance.

A child-free wedding is bonkers IMO (and yes, there were children at both of mine).