To want to speak to my brother about his wedding

[DaphneCrane]

My brother got married on Saturday. My mother felt very left out in The weeks leading up to the event. My parents offered some money and he accepted but it was something for the house he chose to spend money on. Fair enough!
My mother did start asking me about bridesmaids/ushers etc. Finally a few weeks ago my brother came round... he lives 90 miles awy. He asked me how I felt about no kids at wedding. I said that I would be upset but would accept it but I think mum and dad would be devastated. Her niece was chosen as bridesmaid but was leaving before reception. Well off he went to mum’s and a few days later my eldest child was asked to be an attendant. We were told that the outfit could be bought at a certain shop in their home town. Against my husband’s wishes off I trekked to get outfit. Then my brother made noises about my inlaws... could they trek the best part of 100 miles to hold my younger child outside church? My husband at this point wanted to leave kids at home. I refused.
So wedding arrives eldest child really didn’t want to walk down aisle but managed it. Not a squeak out of baby.
Arrived at reception. My husband and children were separated from me and actually put into an orangery type thing attached to the main room. My husband was joined by my cousin’s partner and her child (whose presence another one my mother fought for) and by the bride’s brother in law. He apparently bellowed at cousin’s partner and asked her if she was the one who insisted the kids were invited. My husband pointed out that no that would be his wife. They then sat in silence for two hours just speaking with the kids. No alcohol could be served in this veranda thing. Kids tried to get down so cousin’s partner took them in grounds but was told by maitre d type person speeches were now on so she couldn’t go back in.
Both my mum and I were in tears. My dad wanted to say something to brother but we didn’t let him. My husband went upstairs with kids and stayed there all night not letting anyone relieve him. He is completely pissed off with me saying he wanted to punch arsey brother-in-law of sister-in-law. He is saying to just leave it but I want to talk to my brother. Do people think this was my fault. We are actually still in hotel trying to have a holiday. and my dad is paying.

My dsis lives in Australia so does that distance mean I'm not close to her or my niece and nephew

Christ, what an overblown drama you've made out of a simple family wedding.

Why should your mother (as mother of the groom) had any involvement in the detailed wedding planning? That's not usual. No wonder the B&G chose to spend their cash gift on something other than the wedding. I suspect this was to remove any element of control over proceedings the may have been implied if the money was spent on the wedding.

You were told no kids at the wedding, you behaved appallingly to manipulate your kids involvement in the wedding party.

And as for all the Jeremy Kyle style behaviour with the tears at the reception and fuming over no alcohol in the orangery - its just beyond petty.

You need to apologise to your brother and sister in law and try and behave in a more decorous manner in future.

OP hasn't (yet) done anything wrong, she was asked how she would feel in a certain situation and gave an honest answer - that's just healthy communication.

OP's mum crossed several lines she ought not to have crossed.

Brides BiL was rude.

It sounds as though the tears were a byproduct of everything just getting too much.

OP, leave it alone unless specifically asked. What's done is done and re-hashing it won't change anything.

Brunsdon I get it but I guess what I meant was there was no issue with the sis in law prior to the wedding so why wouldn't she want to make sure she involves her husbands to be family as much as her own (even in some small way).
I guess because I want my inlaws to know I value them I wouldn't do anything to intentionally alienate them that's where I was coming from.

I do not think it's ok for your dsis to be so entitled btw

OK was crying with her mother at the wedding....thats pretty wrong

*OP

Sorry spotsandstars crosspost my previous post was in reply to something else

I get what you're saying but I think as you say ...possibility of previous issues and I query the OP about her mum being involved in wedding planning and have to question whether there were previous issues

But sounds like we are on reasonable different sides of the same coin

Your brother and his wife sound like poor hosts and you and your DH sound like poor guests. But your mum sounds like a nightmare.

I cannot see what can be gained from speaking to your brother about it all now unless it’s to apologise to try and smooth things over. What were you thinking was to be gained?

OP has left the thread...

He wanted a child free wedding and set about getting a venue that was child unfriendly.

He was then emotionally blackmailed by your mum into getting children involved.

I'd have said "No, we'll get babysitters" but you went along with it utterly unprepared.

Sounds like your brother should have stuck to his guns and not folded under your mum's nagging.

If you are a marrying a man that has nieces and nephews and siblings that he is close enough to then why not invite everyone?

Why are questions like this always framed as if it is the woman's choice? Surely if DB wanted the kids there he would have said so in the first place. And when he caved to his mother's demands the two of them found a way to ensure that the kids would be invited. Not perfect, but a reasonable attempt to keep the peace. I really don't see what the bride has done wrong here tbh.

When I was a child (50's) family weddings were just that, family weddings. Everyone had a laugh and a good get together. They were the best times ever. I cannot imagine adults only at a wedding. I wouldn’t go to such an event even though I have no young children now.

I think it's fine to have a child free wedding as long as you can accept that might mean that some guests with young children won't come.

I'm getting married in January and as we have a 2.5 year old of our own it would seem pretty daft not to let other people bring their own children.

OP you mention several times that you were upset that your DH had to watch the kids in a location where alcohol wasn't available. Was going a few hours with it really that big of a challenge? No alcohol while supervising children sounds like a very good idea to me.

Hello All Honestly I am a long term lurker and have been overwhelmed by responses. Even if most of you think I am ‘guestzilla’.
My eldest is nearly 4 and youngest 18 months. Her niece is 4 and second one 2!
I with a heavy heart would have left kids but my brother asked me how I felt and I told him. I am genuinely sorry this caused her sister to then be demanding. I totally admit I was emotional and jumped at chance to dress up my eldest! A boy actually! I wish I had listened to my husband! As for punching anyone he hasn’t punched anyone since he was 6 when his brother got one in first. He had a desire to punch the rude brother-in-law.....a doctor! I shudder to think of his bedside manner! Not the bride and groom.
I didn’t go into the orangery as I didn’t want to make my children upset if that makes sense. They might have wanted to come with me. They asked for a beer and wine in Orangery but were refused my maitre D. I only cried when we were in room between reception and evening NOBODY would have seen. My husband is a lovely man and in other circumstances would have of course looked after kids but felt situation could have been avoided!
My mother isn’t the harridan I have painted her but naturally wanted her whole family there. As for my wedding we invited the bride who had been going out with brother for a couple of years .... and we invited her parents and they all came and yes I had kids there! I mentioned money so people would not think my mum was a freeloader. Watched Frasier in hotel this morning- a real treat hence name. I won’t mention anything to my brother but will steer well clear of his pompous brother-in-law. We are now heading to dinner and my parents watching kids but my son can now do impression of grumpy brother in law.

I'm glad you've decided to not say anything

But with respect "with a heavy heart ".."I'm sorry it caused her to be demanding" "i only cried " in a bit between rooms and "I didn't want to upset my children"

OP I hid tears from my children when their father moved out , when I was ill and walking on crutches , not when they were asked to sit in a different room !

You obviously enjoy drama...so enjoy yourself glad you have at least decided to keep it to yourself

When your Brother told you it was a child free wedding, you should have accepted it & none of you gone. People who want child free weddings have to accept that means some parents won’t go, even if they’re siblings

I don't really understand what the BIL did wrong???

Your husband was right to be annoyed at you, he didn't want to bring children and then ended up having a shit time.

You should just admit that you and your mother were being selfish and move on now.

In fairness to your brother, it sounds as though he may not have entirely agreed with the "only Bride's niece at the wedding" thing, or else why would he have a) asked you how you felt about it and b) changed things so your son was involved?

I still think the doctor BIL was a dick, btw.

Hope you have a lovely day :)

I guess the dh is pissed off because he knew the kids weren't really welcome, OP insisted on taiking them anyway and he had to look after them and put up with brides stroppy arse bil!

Yes b&g have a right to the wedding of their choice but I think it is poor form to exclude your sibling's children.

My mother isn’t the harridan I have painted her but naturally wanted her whole family there.

It does not matter what your DM wanted.

As for my wedding we invited the bride who had been going out with brother for a couple of years .... and we invited her parents and they all came and yes I had kids there!

Which was your decision. Not having kids was their decision.

We are now heading to dinner and my parents watching kids but my son can now do impression of grumpy brother in law.

Rude, I hope you tell him off.

My mother isn’t the harridan I have painted her but naturally wanted her whole family there.

and there it is......you don't get it, do you?

It's not up to your mother, you or anyone else to dictate who is invited or what sort of wedding it is, it's up to the bride and groom - poor bride, having people forced on her at her wedding that she didn't want to invite. No children is not everyone's choice at a wedding, but it was theirs, and you and your mum thought it was OK to over ride that, nice.

It doesn't matter who you invited to your wedding, you had your day, they don't have to do the same.

Maybe think about how family relationships will be in the future, especially if they have children, that's more important than sulking about the wedding.

I'm not surprised your husband was annoyed, I assume he would either have preferred to leave the children at home with a baby sitter or stay home and look after them himself.

Your only response to an invitation should be to either graciously accept it or politely decline it - not try to change the terms and conditions to suit your preferences.

Your write my style is very poor, OP.

I think this has led to many people misunderstanding the story and judging you more harshly than you deserve.

In summary:

• brother’s new wife is an ignorant cow. She may realise this when she’s older.

• your mum has maintained her dignity despite her son marrying such a nobber.

• you husband was rightly pissed off at being treated like a second class guest.

Sadly, a classic case of “A daughter’s, a daughter for the rest of your life; A son’s, a son, ‘til he finds a wife.”

• Your writing style! Sorry!

JennyWoodentop

Completely agree

But that bride was having her own niece there, whilst not inviting her husband-to-be’s niece/nephew.

Come on, be serious - there are not many family set ups where that is the done thing.