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AIBU?

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Original poster

Horrid texts about me on MILs phone, should I say something

547 replies

Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 02/07/2018 08:08

DH, DS (five) are on holiday abroad with inlaws and I have no signal on my phone so I borrowed MILs phone to ring my mum as it’s her birthday today. As I was about to make the phone call a message from SIL (we hate each other) came through saying “I am glad the stupid bitch is not spoiling it this year for you all”
So wanting to know what this was about I did check MILs messages only to find many messages to SIL saying “thank gods the fits have “stayed away” this year” and “the lazy cow is pulling her weight this year” then messages back from SIL saying “it’s his fault he knew when he marriages her she had them” and “don’t know how he puts up with her”
Back story last year we went away and I had quite a few seizures (I am epileptic) and for two days I was completely floored and was told by DH to either sleep inside or just stay on the sunbed. I did have about five other seizures which knocked me out for a hour or so.
There is also a message on the phone to MILs best friend saying the same things she has messaged to SIL with best friend replying back “glad your holiday is not ruined this year”
I just feel like shit now and dont know what to do. If the message had not popped up from SIL I would never have checked MILs phone. I don’t know what to do I felt so guilty last year and MIL and FIL kept saying “it’s ok” and “don’t worry you cant help it”.
I now know MIL was prob slagging me off to all in sundry about her wrecked holiday. I know for a fact DH stayed with them the whole time last year with DS and left them in peace by the pool one of the days I was out of it and took DS to the beach
Feel like total shit I don’t know if I should say something now, tell DH, wait till we get home or just leave it

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 02/07/2018 08:53

No more favours

Rosepetal01 · 02/07/2018 08:54

I would give phone back and just say thanks mil for use of phone . A text came in from sil , apologies but couldn’t help seeing it . Hand over and hold head up high restvof holiday .

Yoksha · 02/07/2018 08:54

As a mother of a Dd of 37 with severe epilepsy my blood was boiling OP. I've watched her struggle all her adult life to live as independently/productively as she can. So you have me up there with you. As for your ' in-laws ', well, what a shower of shite!!!!

I would box clever with this. Keep it all calm. If you can detach from them deliberately, enjoy the rest of your hols with your small family. I'd let them wonder WTF is going on. See if she's clever enough to join the dots and hell mend them. I would tell your husband back home. I'd be inclined to have a polite but distant relationship with them. That's what I'd advise my daughter. Anyway, that type of behaviour would be f*d right off in our family.

Lonesurvivor · 02/07/2018 09:01

I would give phone back and just say thanks mil for use of phone . A text came in from sil , apologies but couldn’t help seeing it . Hand over and hold head up high

This is the best advice. Give her an inking you know what they're up to behind your back but don't let on yet you know the full story.
It'll be interesting to see what she does, accept blame or throw her daughter under the bus.

WowLookAtYou · 02/07/2018 09:02

How on earth are you going to pretend nothing has happened? I couldn't act normally after that.

Fluffyears · 02/07/2018 09:03

I would tell her I saw the text and go icy cold. How dare she sit and slag you off on such a two faced way. I’d also so they cross stitch saying ‘stupid cow!’

blueskypink · 02/07/2018 09:03

Presumably as it's now nearly an hour since the first post, op has actually given it back by now!

But no harm in saying it as an afterthought (oh by the way, did you see a text came in for you ....)

Cheeseandcrisps · 02/07/2018 09:07

This is why it's always best to consult mumsnet!! Some brilliant advice on here I would of gone all guns blazing I would of shown her what a ruined holiday looks and feels like! I'm sure you're a better person then me op! GrinFlowers

pippistrelle · 02/07/2018 09:08

Lucy - you mean you and Pipistrelle think it's okay to be two-faced?

Life isn't reality TV. We all think - even say - things we might not want others to hear or read. It's how society works. I don't think it's okay to be 'two-faced', but I do think it's human to have a complex range of feelings.

KC225 · 02/07/2018 09:08

I agree with Rosepetal. Had the phone back and say a message popped up from SIL and I couldn't help but read it and leave there for the remainder of the holiday. I think it may be difficult to act 'normally' having read that. I would struggle to be chatty, friendly and amenable after that. Most definitely tell DH when you get back and withdraw from that nest of vipers.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 02/07/2018 09:08

I would give phone back and just say thanks mil for use of phone . A text came in from sil , apologies but couldn’t help seeing it . Hand over and hold head up high. Yup. Though presumably you've already handed the phone back. Could you ask your husband to tell them that you saw a message from SiL about you and are a bit upset? Then they can grill him all they like about what you saw and he can just say he doesn't know, you won't talk about it.

And can you and your husband get away for most of the next three days? I wouldn't want to be hanging out with them just now.

gamerchick · 02/07/2018 09:08

Fuck that I would text her back from that phone and end it with needless to say you can do your own garden and cross stitch and then give phone back without a word.

Let her arse sweat because she'll have to bring it up

GoldenBuns · 02/07/2018 09:09

Rosepetal's advice is definitely the best - keep the moral high ground on this one! They are both horrible.

hammeringinmyhead · 02/07/2018 09:10

Ignore the horrified posters (this is AIBU so some will disagree for the sake of it). The text came through while you were holding the phone! At least you know what she really thinks.

I would have to tell my DH today and do the passive-aggressive handing back thing. No mega confrontation.

SassitudeandSparkle · 02/07/2018 09:10

You borrowed her phone to make a call - no need to read any message that 'popped up', yet you read them all and took screenshots? Hmm

ADarkandStormyKnight · 02/07/2018 09:13

Messages on my phone are in full view - you couldn't miss it.

Kokeshi123 · 02/07/2018 09:14

Love the sainted paragons on here saying "You shouldn't have snooped."

Nobody would have not taken a look after a message like that came up. Seriously.

Hauskat · 02/07/2018 09:14

So sorry they are such harpies. Don’t know what I would do. It’s a horrible situation to be in. I would def have read the texts too though so don’t worry about that bit. I think you were clever getting pics of them and the time stamps. I’d tell DP so you have some support and then you can figure out what to do. Depending on the size of where you are staying and how likely your kids are to witness it I can imagine it you might want to avoid confrontation until you are home although if your husband is exceptionally calm he could have a firm word with them in private (no need to let on what prompted it) something like “I just wanted to clear up a few things about Raspberries illness...” and point out how brave you are, how hard it is and how proud he is of you. Honestly though I would consider leaving with out explanation or just spending the rest of the time being very frosty. Hopefully making them sweat. I love the idea of mentioning the text though... anything to get them on the back foot.

eloisesparkle · 02/07/2018 09:14

Great advice from Rosepetal.

baxterboi · 02/07/2018 09:18

In your position I would pack my stuff and leave!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/07/2018 09:19

What's the bad story with you and SIL? Why do you hate each other and why are you doing cross stitching for her?

SassitudeandSparkle · 02/07/2018 09:20

No, I don't think a lot of people would read all the messages.

What's the difference between this thread and the messages then?

user7469322 · 02/07/2018 09:21

try and use the phone again, this time get your husband to be with you on the pretence of calling together and tell him he needs to see what’s on there. He can the decide how to play it as you could say HE was the one looking, not you.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 02/07/2018 09:21

Tell you dh ASAP. He will be upset you have had to deal with this on your own. They sound like a couple of witches cackling over a cauldron. Maybe picture that while you are around her!!
And back the fuck away from both of them when you get home.

blueskypink · 02/07/2018 09:24

We all think - even say - things we might not want others to hear or read. It's how society works.

You're missing my point Pipistrelle. I agree with the above comment. But the OP's mil and sil are being horrible behind the OP's back about a medical condition that she has no control over. I don't believe many of us would do that or think it's acceptable because it's how society works.

For example, I might be nice to a colleague's face but join in the general moaning about the fact that if she spent less time talking she would be able to get through her work by the end of the day.

I absolutely wouldn't engage in any discussion (and I'd be amazed if there was any) about the impact another colleague's medical condition might have on the rest of us.