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Original poster

Horrid texts about me on MILs phone, should I say something

547 replies

Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 02/07/2018 08:08

DH, DS (five) are on holiday abroad with inlaws and I have no signal on my phone so I borrowed MILs phone to ring my mum as it’s her birthday today. As I was about to make the phone call a message from SIL (we hate each other) came through saying “I am glad the stupid bitch is not spoiling it this year for you all”
So wanting to know what this was about I did check MILs messages only to find many messages to SIL saying “thank gods the fits have “stayed away” this year” and “the lazy cow is pulling her weight this year” then messages back from SIL saying “it’s his fault he knew when he marriages her she had them” and “don’t know how he puts up with her”
Back story last year we went away and I had quite a few seizures (I am epileptic) and for two days I was completely floored and was told by DH to either sleep inside or just stay on the sunbed. I did have about five other seizures which knocked me out for a hour or so.
There is also a message on the phone to MILs best friend saying the same things she has messaged to SIL with best friend replying back “glad your holiday is not ruined this year”
I just feel like shit now and dont know what to do. If the message had not popped up from SIL I would never have checked MILs phone. I don’t know what to do I felt so guilty last year and MIL and FIL kept saying “it’s ok” and “don’t worry you cant help it”.
I now know MIL was prob slagging me off to all in sundry about her wrecked holiday. I know for a fact DH stayed with them the whole time last year with DS and left them in peace by the pool one of the days I was out of it and took DS to the beach
Feel like total shit I don’t know if I should say something now, tell DH, wait till we get home or just leave it

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 02/07/2018 10:01

Sorry, that would be the end of the relationship for me.

Especially if your DH has your back.

Your DS is tiny. How many years do you think he has before he starts overhearing his granny and aunty calling his mum a stupid bitch when he's with them? Even if that doesn't happen, he'll know - he'll feel the atmosphere, see the raised eyebrows, absorb the barbed comments - 'Oh well Mummy isn't able to do this or that DS, you know she has her little problems...'

I was that child, absorbing bitchy comments and feeling uncomfortable in adult 'atmospheres'.

I would never wish that kind of family dynamic on a child. Yes, it's very damaging.

If your DH is on side, lucky you. Tell him you want better for your DS. You want him to feel secure in a happy family. That does not include being allowed to develop a close relationship with someone who hates and denigrates his own mother.

And remind your DH, this is the level of respect your own mother and sister have for you, your family, your choices.

That's not love.

I don't know hoew I'd handle it right now on holiday but I certainly wouldn't be able to speak normally to her, so I'd have to speak to DH and let him handle it.

But the relationship would be over.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 02/07/2018 10:02

I agree that the outcome is unlikely to be great but if nothing changes the OP is left knowing what she can't unknow for a very long time. There will be a distance and a cooling, and in time the MiL and SiL will have 'good' reasons to think that the OP doesn't like them and it will be too late to explain.

OP it would be a good idea to think through the outcome you and your husband want from this. It might not happen straight away and you will need your husbands support, but in time they might realise how silly and shallow they have been.

Mookatron · 02/07/2018 10:04

Maybe they are allowed private thoughts. But the op is allowed to acknowledge her own reaction to their incredibly hurtful and now not so private thoughts too, and act accordingly. She doesn't have to squash thosw feelings down (thereby ultimately turning them in on herself).

NoNotheresnolyrics · 02/07/2018 10:04

blueskypink people are nasty about all sorts of things at some point in thier lives, it’s a horrible human trait that we all share unfortunatly. None of it’s nice wether it’s being mean about a persons illness like epilepsy (which my lovely sister has) or any other thing. It might just be that they don’t like her for other reasons, who knows...epilepsy is not a reason to dislike someone.

RayneDance · 02/07/2018 10:06

I do agree with fizzy.
As I said in my post it's the lack of respect for the him , their blood relative.

RayneDance · 02/07/2018 10:08

I agree what other people think of us is non of our business. But at the same time, this is close family as fuzzy said a woman, two women who may be in charge of her dc on future... Who may discuss op in front of dc. You have to be very careful.

TheLionRoars1110 · 02/07/2018 10:11

Absoutely what blueskypink said.

Ginger1982 · 02/07/2018 10:13

Presumably OP has no signal on her own phone to let us know what happened - aargh! (Not over invested in the slightest!)

FizzyGreenWater · 02/07/2018 10:15

See the thing is, you can't 'patch this up'. You can't have a big row and 'clear the air' or 'sort it'.

this is what they think

and a row or a discussion won't change that. It might frighten them into showing more respect to your face I suppose - lying and pretending, in other words - but it's not going to change how they think, is it?! You now know what they think of you both.

In return, you now know what utter bitches they both are. I'd be so gutted if I knew family members I respect and am close to were this vicious and bitchy and prejudiced - the comments about your fits are just disgusting. (nb - I do have relatives that are like this, and I'm nc with them mainly as I have no intention of my children watching the way they act and thinking, yep, that's what families are like).

There's not really a way back from this -the options for the future are honest dropping of contact, or mutual pretending and basically, extreme dislike, even if it's hidden. I'd go for the former.

RayneDance · 02/07/2018 10:15

It definalty shows up all sorts of things when people pick up on disability as a stick to beat someone with. Not people I would want to associate with.

Thebluedog · 02/07/2018 10:17

What vile horrid people.

After the holiday I’d simply go NC with the pair of them, you also don’t want your dc over hearing comments like that about their mother!

I’d do what cough suggested, them tell your dh and enjoy the rest of your holiday. Can you avoid her at all for the remainder of the holiday?

bakebakebake · 02/07/2018 10:19

As someone with epilepsy, I really feel for you. My last one, I blacked out and i spent 2 days in bed with a pounding headache..
I can't imagine having 5! That must've been really difficult.

If this was me, I would tell my DH because that is not acceptable behaviour at all.

DH knows how I feel about my epilepsy and how much it gets me down, he is not a confrontational person but he would over this.

Groovee · 02/07/2018 10:20

You need to speak to and show your dh.

nosleepforoverayear · 02/07/2018 10:24

i think you should keep quiet until you get back, as otherwise you are giving you MIL an excuse to blame you for another holiday being ruined. But maybe just keep your distance and only talk to her when she directly addresses you etc. Don't be rude, but don't be two faced either. Then when you get home, explain to your husband what you found and tell him you will be civil with his family for his sake, but that you will not be putting yourself in a position like this again where you can be the scape goat for your MIL/SIL's problems and have to spend extended periods of time together. Hopefully he will have the balls to address this with them on your behalf, but don't force him to choose between you by going nc with his family completely.

you poor thing though... i would be really upset by this too.

RayneDance · 02/07/2018 10:26

No sleep.

They don't like op they will blame her whatever happens. Who cares what such people think

Snowysky20009 · 02/07/2018 10:33

No advice OP, just what a shit thing to find out. For what it's worth if I'd seen the text I would have looked too.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 02/07/2018 10:34

Hi op,

I haven’t read the full thread but just wanted to say how sorry I am that the has happened to you. I have epilepsy and my fits tend to increase in warmer weather and they do absolutely floor you don’t they? It’s such an awful and embarrassing condition. I think in your shoes I would tell my dh right away. He would want to know right away if something had upset me so much. My dh would probably insist on having it out with mil right then and there and travel home seperately from her. It’s so mean she’s scrutinising you and citing you as lazy and ruining the holiday due to a condition which you cannot control!

Hope you’re ok Flowers

0ccamsRazor · 02/07/2018 10:36

I hope that your dh has your back Op,

Flowers
Urbanbeetler · 02/07/2018 10:48

Very hurtful indeed. Flowers

Wetwashing00 · 02/07/2018 11:05

I can’t quite believe they have that attitude, even behind your back.
They obviously understand epilepsy to know you have no control over it as they said so last holiday.

There must be other things they discuss about you, or have joint dislike about. How having fits makes you a stupid bitch I’ll never know.
Being that unkind about someone having seizures is ridiculous.

I hope you’ve informed her that she has a text from her daughter and have her a very knowing look! But I wouldn’t bother getting into any arguments or disagreements about it.
If she is not apologising straight away I think being indifferent to her would be the best.

Lizzie48 · 02/07/2018 11:05

How utterly vile of them! I also don't get why some posters are saying you were snooping, when you saw the first message by accident. It would have been very hard not to snoop after that.

I hope your DH stands up for you to them now. Thanks

CollyWombles · 02/07/2018 11:18

If you can manage the next three days without saying anything you are a better woman than I OP! I found out my family were saying nasty things about me and immediately let them have it on all barrels. Consequently most of them don't speak to me anymore, guess they could give it but not take it.

Anyways, you have a medical condition that resulted in an awful holiday for YOU, never mind them. Definitely do no more favours for them and do not go on holiday with them again. They don't have to like you, and you don't have to tolerate them. Protect yourself.

KeiTeNgeNge · 02/07/2018 11:24

Did you comment on Sil message coming through to your Mil?

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 02/07/2018 11:26
ohfourfoxache · 02/07/2018 11:35

Oh op Thanks

It’s hurtful, isn’t it? (Been through similar with FIL on an Internet forum - dh and I are now NC with him)

The only thing I can advise is that you stay calm but ride the wave. It’s going to be shit to go through it. Don’t rule out going NC. Unfortunately you need to get your head round the fact that things will never be the same again.