Horrid texts about me on MILs phone, should I say something

[Raspberryberetthekindyoufind]

DH, DS (five) are on holiday abroad with inlaws and I have no signal on my phone so I borrowed MILs phone to ring my mum as it’s her birthday today. As I was about to make the phone call a message from SIL (we hate each other) came through saying “I am glad the stupid bitch is not spoiling it this year for you all”
So wanting to know what this was about I did check MILs messages only to find many messages to SIL saying “thank gods the fits have “stayed away” this year” and “the lazy cow is pulling her weight this year” then messages back from SIL saying “it’s his fault he knew when he marriages her she had them” and “don’t know how he puts up with her”
Back story last year we went away and I had quite a few seizures (I am epileptic) and for two days I was completely floored and was told by DH to either sleep inside or just stay on the sunbed. I did have about five other seizures which knocked me out for a hour or so.
There is also a message on the phone to MILs best friend saying the same things she has messaged to SIL with best friend replying back “glad your holiday is not ruined this year”
I just feel like shit now and dont know what to do. If the message had not popped up from SIL I would never have checked MILs phone. I don’t know what to do I felt so guilty last year and MIL and FIL kept saying “it’s ok” and “don’t worry you cant help it”.
I now know MIL was prob slagging me off to all in sundry about her wrecked holiday. I know for a fact DH stayed with them the whole time last year with DS and left them in peace by the pool one of the days I was out of it and took DS to the beach
Feel like total shit I don’t know if I should say something now, tell DH, wait till we get home or just leave it

@AnnieKenney I've adopted 2 DDs through SS. I said the admin was often poor. DD1's social worker didn't even get the life story book done. But they were very thorough in the way they interviewed us and the process is arduous.

But yes, I've had A LOT of experience with SS, why would you think I haven't when I have 2 adopted DDs?!

My apologies - I meant no harm. Its just that I work with Social Workers day in day out and never cease to be amazed (and appalled) at the overall level of incompetence. I am very gladvyou have had a different experience - its what I hope for everyone.

If the OP and her DH were openly reporting to social services that the adoption shouldn't go ahead, which was ultimately over ruled by SS, then you can kind of see why the SIL wouldn't be their greatest fans

If the MIL was watching her daughter go through that and it was her daughter's only chance at having children then you could see where there would be resentment

It sounds like there is a lot of negative under currents in this situation. That anger doesn't come out of nowhere

I suspect the truth lies somewhere in the middle here. I'm not buying the horns and halos roles that have been dished out in this scenario anymore. Some of the adoption comments are cruel and unnecessary

^ Exactly.

The snooping etc. aside, I can see people are shocked or sceptical about the adoption scenario.

We had the most disgusting neighbours before, think of Roald Dahl’s the Twits and you’re getting there, mean, vile and filthy people. Rubbish piled up in their front garden like a stinking tip, grey with dirt windows, they were both always dirty and to top it off were alcoholics and ordered take away every single night of the week (then to be chucked on the steaming pile of shit in the front garden, via the window). Aggressive to all the neighbours, PLUS getting on in years. They somehow adopted a child with SEN. They had him for about 5 years while everyone in our street reported every time they were made aware of them abusing or neglecting him, doing things like locking him in the garden in the rain in winter. Beating him up, leaving him crying for food. It got to a point where I was calling the police every few days. By the time it went through the court process and he was taken away we were all broken by it. How they ever got him in the first place is beyond me, let alone them letting him stay there while they very slowly investigated. So just FYI there are definitely bizarre decisions made by SS, and incompetencies under different councils and agencies.

ive seen that incompetence myself also. It happens all the time.

This is going to bite the OP on her arse if she's not careful.

@theWarOnPeace

That is indeed awful, the poor child. I really can't understand how that happened, and not because there aren't any crap social workers. We had to go through medicals and they inspected our house to make sure it was suitable. And you have to get past the panel as well.

But clearly mistakes are made. I think the problem is that there are over 60,000 children in care and individual social workers have far too many cases to handle.

There are no excuses, though, for the case you described, though. That is truly disgusting.

The snooping etc. aside, I can see people are shocked or sceptical about the adoption scenario

I'm not. I am very well aware of the disgrace of children being sent to totally unsuitable adoptive families.

The thing that made me raise a brow is the drip feed re the reasons for the dislike. When initially, it had sounded as if SIL & MIL had just taken an irrational dislike to OP.

OP & DH have been at loggerheads with SIL. Why wouldn't MIL be upset on her own daughter's behalf?

Who knows what's true or what isn't. I wouldn't have said all OP has said on here about the adoption side tho.

All it made me think is oh well, there's shit happening on both sides

& there's too much info re the adoption stuff on here, why was that even necessary? It's best it's removed, I think.

But it’s not the DH, their son / brother - the one who reported them and told them he would- they’ve been slagging off is it?

It’s the OP who tried to welcome the first child with a personalised cross stitch that was apparently so well received that one for the second child was requested.

I hear you mistress. I think possibly, you know when people on a thread start saying “there must be more to this?!” And then OP feels obliged to open the whole can of worms to explain the nature of the relationship. I do agree though, that the adoption stuff shouldn’t be on here as it’s unfair to potentially identify those children along with the other details. Still will never understand these family holidays with ILS that are so fraught with bitterness and tension and people continue to do it!

Ok I am going to leave the thread there. Thankyou for everyone’s advice. Everything I have said is true you can believe it or not. I have worked with social workers in a past job and in my experience they are either bloody brilliant or totally incompetent.

People said on here they have heard of kids being send to chaotic adoptive parents. Some people can put on a show for the right people and turn on the charm. it happens all the time.

When DH contacted social services he requested that social services delve deeper into how much support she relies on from her parents and to look into her chaotic lifestyle more.

thewaronpeace yes you could definitely be right about the reason for opening the can of worms, as it were.

& YY re the adoption stuff. Its just a bit too personal.

I like my in-laws but a holiday with them is my idea of sheer hell😁. Big family holidays hardly end well there are enough examples on MN. I'm not risking it

I was wondering if there were any fallout since you got home from your charming females in law?!

Because offering the olive branch would make her the bigger woman, hopefully allow the MIL to apologise, op can apologise for snooping, they can get on with trying to build a CIVIL relationship for the sake of her partner and children having a relationship with their family.

Everyone has said things they don't mean, I know I do, I bitch to my husband about people but he and I both know I don't mean half of it. It's just venting.

Doesn't make the mil's words or actions ok but it's not enough to destroy the relationship over.

We sometimes forget on MN that this is real life and extreme LTB / cut them out reactions are not always realistic.

@Raspberryberetthekindyoufind Op I think you need to report SIL to social services if you feel the concerns you & DH had are still present.

a bit of a massive fucking drip feed that you and your dh actually called social services on your SIL twice in order to try and stop her adopting children.
Obviously I cant say the rights or wrongs of it, not knowing any of you from Adam, but its pretty obvious that somebody that grasses their daughter up to social services and tries to sabotage her adoption application is not going to be flavour of the month. You do things like that and im afraid its not going to be consequence free for any of you.
Thats ripping a family apart kind of stuff

It does sound as if there were good reasons to express concerns about SIL and her husband. Adopted children have invariably been through at least some disruption in their lives and it's so important that they be placed with parents able to look after them.

Totally agree that SS should be made aware of their background but then why on earth would you want to go on holiday with the MIL if she knows you did this, of course she isn’t going to like you, even though you did the right thing. Think you will both have to take a massive step back from them.

There's something a bit off about discussing the SIL and her adopted dc.
Talk about airing dirty washing in public.

I've had contact with the ss since was about 8 when my m and d started fostering.
I've always said I have a realistic view of sw, having met lots over the years. I could count the good, kind decent ones on one hand.

We were always threatened with violence if we told the sw the truth about how violent m and d were.
I used to tell the truth if I was asked but they didn't really need an excuse to beat me!

Even when I left home and they were trying to adopt a family of 5 I rang and told ss about their violence.

Eventually they were stopped fostering, thankfully about 15 yrs ago now, and that was because some of the adult foster kids told the truth.

So people can lie very easily and put on a great show, and some sw only see the surface and don't want to/don't have time to find out the truth.

I actually think that a lot of couples who apply to adopt are damaged, mostly because a lot of them have suffered infertility and are bitter that they couldn't have bio children. We were advised to wait a year for this reason, which we did. I knew that I was ready when I was told that my DSis was pregnant and I wasn't jealous, I was just thrilled for her.

But a lot of couples don't wait until they were emotionally ready, they just say the right words. And social workers are not mind readers.

Some go into adoption or fostering with rose tinted glasses, despite what they learn in the training. And then they can't cope with the reality.

And very sadly, some people get into fostering because they are abusers. Thank you for sharing your story, @ChestOfFields that's really horrible.

And I meant also to add for you.