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Original poster

Horrid texts about me on MILs phone, should I say something

547 replies

Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 02/07/2018 08:08

DH, DS (five) are on holiday abroad with inlaws and I have no signal on my phone so I borrowed MILs phone to ring my mum as it’s her birthday today. As I was about to make the phone call a message from SIL (we hate each other) came through saying “I am glad the stupid bitch is not spoiling it this year for you all”
So wanting to know what this was about I did check MILs messages only to find many messages to SIL saying “thank gods the fits have “stayed away” this year” and “the lazy cow is pulling her weight this year” then messages back from SIL saying “it’s his fault he knew when he marriages her she had them” and “don’t know how he puts up with her”
Back story last year we went away and I had quite a few seizures (I am epileptic) and for two days I was completely floored and was told by DH to either sleep inside or just stay on the sunbed. I did have about five other seizures which knocked me out for a hour or so.
There is also a message on the phone to MILs best friend saying the same things she has messaged to SIL with best friend replying back “glad your holiday is not ruined this year”
I just feel like shit now and dont know what to do. If the message had not popped up from SIL I would never have checked MILs phone. I don’t know what to do I felt so guilty last year and MIL and FIL kept saying “it’s ok” and “don’t worry you cant help it”.
I now know MIL was prob slagging me off to all in sundry about her wrecked holiday. I know for a fact DH stayed with them the whole time last year with DS and left them in peace by the pool one of the days I was out of it and took DS to the beach
Feel like total shit I don’t know if I should say something now, tell DH, wait till we get home or just leave it

OP posts:
Iputthescrewinthetuna · 04/07/2018 13:01

I love how supportive your DH and FIL are about this.

Original poster
Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 04/07/2018 14:11

Social services don’t interview the whole family only references that a person has given. But my DH did contact them with his concerns and they were dismissed. We have no idea how the adoption got through, her house is a shit tip (boarding on dangerous) and she had debt coming out of her ears.
MIL is apparently back in the hotel but not seen her

OP posts:
Original poster
Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 04/07/2018 14:14

Oh and she was refused by two adoption agencies so went to the next local authority in the neighbouring town.

I would not have believed it was possible for someone like her to adopt but it has happened twice. DH got in touch both times

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 04/07/2018 14:20

I am aghast at your latest update OP. What were SS thinking of?Shock

So MIL is back in the hotel Hmm. Has she apologised yet? No thought not.

RayneDance · 04/07/2018 14:37

I think more than than anything this shows the lack of care for such youngster in UK. They must have been desperate. Really desperate.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2018 14:41

Wow poor children Sad

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/07/2018 14:46

This is getting a bit close to home now OP.
Personally I would get this thread deleted now.

Original poster
Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 04/07/2018 14:52

The children spend most of time with my inlaws and we have them a lot at weekends (for the sake of the kids not SIL)
I know it should be SIL has made her bed and should mow lie in it but we think of the children.

Told DH about everything on the thread and his response was “everything you have said is true” and SIL and Inlaws know he contacted the adoption agency with his concerns and he told them he was going to do it.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 04/07/2018 15:08

It's shocking that they got through the adoption process, but so much depends on the adoption social worker who is doing the assessment. There really is no consistency.

Those poor children, they deserve so much better. Angry

HarryLovesDraco · 04/07/2018 15:42

It is shocking isn't it?
Almost as if that's not how things happen.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/07/2018 15:53

The poor children, they will probably have a miserable childhood.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/07/2018 15:55

I think adoption agencies, LA are so desparate, that sometimes children fall under the net Sad.

TheDailyMailisToiletPaper · 04/07/2018 16:03

Not meaning to derail but I know a woman who adopted a girl of around 5 or 6 from a very chaotic background - drugs, mental illness, etc.

This woman was single, in her 40s and lived in a really crap flat. But worst of all she was a toxic, horrible, nasty, narcissistic harridan. We invited her DD round for a play date with our DD once and after that she spread loads of horrible lies about me to other parents at the school as well as DH's ex's family. It was totally random and fucking weird as I'd done nothing but be nice to this woman.

So, I guess my point is, terrible people can still adopt somehow.

MIL and SIL sound unhinged. Glad the DH and FIL are being diamonds. If my DH knew I'd started a thread on mumsnet about our sex life he would probably leave me!

PerfectSunflowers · 04/07/2018 16:17

Bit of a de-rail about the adoption stuff and tbh not very nice of you to share that with a bunch of strangers. Confused

Perhaps you should sock off all this drama, be the bigger person and offer an olive branch to mil - say you shouldn't have snooped but you couldn't help it after SIL text popped up, your hurt but you hope to move forward as their relationship with your children is important to you.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/07/2018 16:29

Why should op offer an olive branch Perfect when she has been so nasty about her, sorry I would not want anything to do with her after that. Maybe the thread should get deleted because of the personal details regarding the adoption.

Bellalunagirl · 04/07/2018 16:50

Having read the updates I suspect there are two sides to this story.

If the OP and her DH were openly reporting to social services that the adoption shouldn't go ahead, which was ultimately over ruled by SS, then you can kind of see why the SIL wouldn't be their greatest fans. If the MIL was watching her daughter go through that and it was her daughter's only chance at having children then you could see where there would be resentment.

I'm not saying it was the right way to behave on the part of the MIL but it sounds like there is a lot of negative under currents in this situation. That anger doesn't come out of nowhere.

I suspect the truth lies somewhere in the middle here. I'm not buying the horns and halos roles that have been dished out in this scenario anymore. Some of the adoption comments are cruel and unnecessary.

HarryLovesDraco · 04/07/2018 17:10

Actually there are more potential adopters than suitable children so no, adoption agencies aren't usually desperate to approve unsuitable adopters. If family members are raising concerns about a potential adopter they would take this very seriously. Combined with terrible home conditions- it's just a very unlikely scenario.
It is an interesting detail that adds colour to the thread though isn't it?

JessieMcJessie · 04/07/2018 17:25

Bellalunagirl that might be a valid comment if the SIL and MIL had just been generally unkind about OP but causing her of faking epilepsy? Come on, that is so far below the belt in any scenario.

JessieMcJessie · 04/07/2018 17:25

*accusing her

Bellalunagirl · 04/07/2018 17:26

Simmering resentment doesn't tend to make people behave in a rational way. Like I said in not defending their actions at all but I suspect there is a backstory of bitterness that has lead to this point.

Lizzie48 · 04/07/2018 17:52

I do find it hard to believe that the house is a 'shit hole'. Social workers are not looking for homes to be spotless, but they would want to know that prospective adopters were capable of keeping a child safe and well cared for.

It is telling, though, that they were turned down by 2 adoption agencies.

blueskypink · 04/07/2018 18:05

Also finding it very hard to believe that SIL would be allowed to adopt in the circumstances described by the op. Having seen the hoops a close family member had to go through to adopt I find this scenario incredible.

Lizzie48 · 04/07/2018 18:50

Absolutely, @blueskypink speaking as someone who has been through the process twice. We have our 2 DDs now (they're birth siblings) but the process was so stressful, and we accepted that as necessary.

I can't believe SS could be quite so incompetent. Their administration left a lot to be desired, but the social workers we worked with had their heads screwed on.

AnnieKenney · 04/07/2018 18:59

You cant belive SS would be incompetent?! Okay. Clearly no personal experience.

MistressDeeCee · 04/07/2018 19:05

Is it clear to MIL that you don't like her either? Do you both talk about each other behind the others' back?

I ask as, surprised you are sharing the SS stuff. I'd get this thread deleted, if I were you.

I'm wondering if the animosity has been on both sides.

You looked at a message that didn't name you. Based on this message youve gone through texts on someone's phone

I'd be raging too. But eavesdroppers never learn good about themselves, so it's said.

Tell your DH and let him deal with it.

& remember if someone doesn't like you then they don't. Likewise for you re people you dislike. They're not going to give you a pass because you are epileptic as you're still the person they dislike whatever the case.

Writing about SS situation on here, if someone recognised MIL from the thread for example, screenshotted what you've said about it and then showed it to her - wouldn't it amount to the same thing in terms of her talking (texting)about you behind your back to someone else?

Probably best from now on to minimise contact with them as much as you can too.

thinkingobably said horrid things due to exasperation about a particular situation a person has caused