to ask how bio-mums feel about step-mums?

[InaccessibleB]

I'm a step-mum. I try my best to help look after DSD. We get on great. I pick her up from school every other week. Take her out and look after her when DP is out (I'm talking if he nips to the shops or has a weekend meeting). I try to be the step-mum she needs and a good partner to DP. I never overstep the mark and know that I am not her mother.

I am met with a lot of issues. DPs ex trying to get a court order to say only he can get her from school, asking for her not to be left alone with me, telling DSD that she's not to let me dress her or bathe her etc (she's only 6, I'm a normal woman, and being made to feel like a weirdo if I want to bathe my DSD who asks for me to bathe her instead of DF as it's more 'fun')

I keep seeing these AMA threads and I actually want to ask YOU as biological mothers a question about how you feel about step-mums to your children? I'm struggling to feel accepted as a part of her life and want to try and understand this from her mum's perspective. Very open question and I'm hoping for some open answers...

Hi,

I am a stepmum and mum. I always tread carefully with my step children but boy do I find their mum frustr

Sorry pressed send before finished. When my ex introduced his partner I was really worried my children would prefer her too me. So did get a little silly at times. But I must say his partner has made him a better father and I usually buy her Mother’s Day gifts from the children now.

Xxx

I'm sure you'll get lots of answers but I'd like to know why you chose to describe your stepdaughter's mother as bio, please.

NB no axe to grind here, just curious.

Thank you.

First of all -

Don’t call your step children’s mother their “bio mum”. They are just Mum.

Secondly - based on what you have said, your step daughter’s mother is an idiot. If my exh meets a woman who becomes our daughters step mother than I would hope most of all for her to have a positive relationship with my daughter and a genuine fondness/love for her. Without good reason I would not seek to limit contact. It is just shitty for the child and suggests that the mum has lost sight of what is most important.

@FlibbertyGiblets bio-mum, real-mum, I don't know. I have never actually used the term before until now and I guess was just a way of differentiating the difference between 'step' and 'biological' on this thread. If that's not the said thing though I'd rather know as I'm not out to offend anybody.

I wouldn't appreciate being referred to as 'bio-mum' at all. I'm mum. No prefix needed.

If step mum had been the OW I'd be angry as hell and not want her near my child. Ever.

The only time I had a problem with ex-p's partners was when 1 told my daughter she had 2 mummies now, me and her.

I'm fine with someone who cares about my kids being in their lives but trying to replace me is not on.

Sorry, I have never used the term 'bio-mum' before and don't want that to become the sticking point of this thread (not saying that it will however I am not at all trying to step in as a mother and would never dream of doing so)

You don't need biomum to differentiate. Step mum and mum does the job.

The only step mums who use bio mum in an acceptable way are those who've taken the role of mum completely when bio mum has fucked off into the ether.

I would say it depends on how long you have been with the father and also what type of relationship he has with the daughter - I would be fuming if their time together was actually a step-parent doing all the work. I wouldn't like things assumed or things sprang on me. I think I would prefer communication via the father too.

So in terms of school pick ups, those kind of situations let mum know that dad isn't available to do it but step-mum has offered. Would that be okay etc. I say it bathing is an issues, just leave that for mum to do.

Ok, I'm sorry about the bio mum comment. It's well and truly taken on board and I shan't use it again.

It sounds like your trying hard and I think thats great.

However, I wouldn't want my partners new GF collecting my kids from school, or babysitting them. I think thats overstepping the boundaries.

While DSD is with you, Dad should take care of all the bathing etc, but if she requests you do something then I see no problem with that.

You can drop the 'bio-mum' nonsense for a start!

My dds step mum who she sadly hasn't seen for years (due to her dad being a dick!) is lovely. BUT I too requested in contact agreement about dd not being left alone with step mum etc

Not against stepmum but because her dad was dumping her on step mum and buggering off! It wasn't fair on either step mum or dd. That was HIS time for HIS contact, not for dds time with stepmum (fun though it is).

In addition dds stepmum was very young, at first not a mum herself (that didn't last long as she had become pregnant while ex & I were still together) and had no experience looking after young children. Ex had not informed her of VERY important medical issues and had a habit of losing dds inhaler and minimising the necessities of looking after dd.

As I said she is actually lovely and has always treated dd well, has never overstepped and actually has pulled my ex up a few times when he was being a bigger dick than usual! That's been more recently though as at first she was a bit too subservient to him.

I think as a step mum it's finding a balance between building a nice relationship with the DC without attempting to overshadow or undermine mum (or dad for that matter - seen that happen).

Mum doesn't need any title. Bio-Mum or Real Mum are absolutely hideous terms with regards to step families.

If my DCs step-mum referred to me as bio-mum it would cause animosity from the off.

As long as the step-parent didn't overstep the boundaries then I would be fine, happy even, that my child had another person to love them and be there for them.
I wouldn't want my child to be told that there are two mummies now or that she had a new mummy though, that would get my back up.

If the step-parent was an OW I would be furious. You can't split up a family and then play happy families with the child whose parents split up.

My DCs don't have a step mum, but if they did, I wouldn't want her in a mother figure role, and the word step-mum implies that. Personally dad's wife/partner/girlfriend should be fine.

I know I'd be totally unreasonable, and I would try not to show it and wouldn't act like a knob but I'd see the sorts of things you are doing as my child's dads responsibility as the parent, not his partner's.

I'd see it as her being a 'mum' when I wasn't there, and that's only ever something I should be to my DCs. I feel exactly the same about step dads too.

For it’s really hard having another woman in my sons life. It is made 100% worse that she was the OW so I feel wronged by her. BUT my DS loves her, she treats him well and that’s all I can ask for. So although seeing photos of them all together hurts me and in some ways I feel jealousy that she is taking away half of my sons childhood (50/50 care) from me I have to try and accept this is our life now. It is really really tough though.

I forgot to answer your actual question 😂

There's no stepmum involved with us yet but if there was, I would be so happy if she wanted to look after dc, cared about her, and was actively being a step mum to her rather than just putting up with her being around if that makes sense. I'd just want dc to be happy. I'd only be bothered if it went way over into bonkers territory like expecting the dc to call her mum or something when I'm still 100% part of her life 😂

Jesus.. she's said that she's taken the point about 'bio mum' on board and it's not a term she's actually used before.

No need to repeat over and over. Read the thread.

Ok I get it I'm sorry for using the wrong term. Genuinely sorry. Don't know what else I can say about that.

Oh FFs everyone the OP was clearly using the term bio mum to diifferentiate from stepmum! Get over yourselves

He’s still very little (2.5) so I don’t think he understands the ‘stepmum’ bit and I’m quite glad about that because she isn’t his mum in any way, shape or form. I’m his mum it’s as simple as that. Just as my partner isn’t ‘stepdad’ he’s just name

You say DP, so not married. You are not a step mum, you are her Dads girlfriend.

The DC have certainly.back this evening having been with xh and the OW.
I do HATE her. I do. However I have accepted there is nothing I can do about her spending time with them.

When the split first happened I did make similar demands tbh. Five years on and I have let that all go. But it still hurts an awful lot that they have to spend time with someone that caused such pain.

I have often thought about how I'd react if she was not the OW. I like to think I'd feel v different. There is a high probability that if meet someone that I'd end up being a step-mum.

If you are the OW or you are in A fairly.new relationship. Give the mum time. Don't rub her nose in it. Respect her and you will earn her respect or as near as possible.

I have met someone else after leaving my exh and been in a relationship with him for over 18 months. My exh doesn’t question my relationship and his involvement with our daughter. Nor would I with any relationship he has. Ultimately we respect each other’s judgement with regard to parenting our daughter. I appreciate that not all co-parenting experiences are the same.

Are you a step-mum or are you her dad’s girlfriend?

@ButterChickenwithyellowrice I'm dad's girlfriend's whose kids call me step mum

They're my stepchildren

We've been together a few years and they are something to me now not just my 'boyfriend's kids'. They're my stepkids.