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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how bio-mums feel about step-mums?

311 replies

InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 21:37

I'm a step-mum. I try my best to help look after DSD. We get on great. I pick her up from school every other week. Take her out and look after her when DP is out (I'm talking if he nips to the shops or has a weekend meeting). I try to be the step-mum she needs and a good partner to DP. I never overstep the mark and know that I am not her mother.

I am met with a lot of issues. DPs ex trying to get a court order to say only he can get her from school, asking for her not to be left alone with me, telling DSD that she's not to let me dress her or bathe her etc (she's only 6, I'm a normal woman, and being made to feel like a weirdo if I want to bathe my DSD who asks for me to bathe her instead of DF as it's more 'fun')

I keep seeing these AMA threads and I actually want to ask YOU as biological mothers a question about how you feel about step-mums to your children? I'm struggling to feel accepted as a part of her life and want to try and understand this from her mum's perspective. Very open question and I'm hoping for some open answers...

OP posts:
Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 23:39

Step mum, DSD's dad's girlfriend, whatever! It doesn't change this scenario in the slightest. I've already explained that I only used the term for the sake of the thread and don't use it in RL. It's pointless discussing it. I don't use the term step-mum regularly.

OP posts:
Celticmombella · 01/07/2018 23:40

@InaccessibleB you never said that. If that is the case she has no case for you not bring sdd to school.

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 23:40

I also don't call my other half DP or hid daughter DSD in RL!

OP posts:
Spanglyprincess1 · 01/07/2018 23:40

Not a mum yet but about to be soon (4 days to go) and a step mom to three. I say step mom as we are a family with 50% acess and getting married soon. I get it's hard but ignore and treat the child how they expect eg fairly . I change my step daughter etc at swimming as she's more comfortable with a girl than dad and asks. Why would I refuse if it upsets her to do otherwise? Same for school runs and homework,normally their dad does this but I don't mind helping if cover is needed. Their mom dosnt seem to mind as it dosnt incovience her as she works ft as do me n dp so helps with childcare.
We never ever bad mouth their mom with the kids. A few times DSC have accidentally called me mom and I have always corrected them eg I am 'my name' and mommy is always mommy. Same for cards or gifts - mom is always mom and dad is always dad. I think that's really important as they have a mom!
Recently though had a falling out with the DSC mom though as she said my baby n the DSC are not family in front of the children - after we spent a very long time making sure they felt secure about their new brother joining the family. They are biologically related, so regardless of me n dp they will always have their brother in their lives. This upset the children and wasn't nessisary. Hopefully it can be resolved.
I would hope me n dp will never seperate but if we did, I would hope that any future woman in my child's life would-be a good influence and that I would do would what I could to foster that relationship. I can see how that would be harder if the woman was the OW though.
Good luck for the future op.

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 23:42

@Celticmombella of course she doesn't, but doesn't change the fact that some think it's inappropriate for me to take her to school. I hate to think what the mums stood in the playground must think of me!

OP posts:
ElspethTascioni · 01/07/2018 23:43

I’m replying without having read the thread. My kids have a step-mum. She’s been with my ex-H for far longer than I was ever with him, since my children were quite small. I suspect neither of them remember a time before her! She was the other woman.

I don’t bear her any ill will at all. She has the difficult job of being married to my ex-H! She has always been kind to my DC, if sometimes a bit stricter than I would be, and her family has been very welcoming to them. We don’t really have a relationship with each other, but then I don’t have a relationship with the ex - we just communicate about contact. But we are always pleasant to each other when we see each other, and I would never bad mouth her to my kids.

In all honesty, I am grateful that my kids have had the stability of a kind woman with their dad all these years - he’d probably have gone off the rails without her. I’ve always been very clear with them that they mustn’t feel like they can’t love her to try and save my feelings, and one of them at least, does love her!

Altwoo · 01/07/2018 23:50

@InaccessibleB, apologies, didn’t mean to hijack your thread. Just genuinely fascinated by some of the themes coming out from the responses you have had.

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 23:52

So have we established that these issues are more to do with mum feeling jealous/replaced/worried etc than the actual welfare of said child? (Not my personal opinion but more what I'm drawing from others' opinions on this thread)

OP posts:
Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 23:53

@Altwoo not to worry! It's interesting but I have found it particularly disheartening if I'm honest!

OP posts:
springydaff · 01/07/2018 23:55

Stop calling her your step daughter. She isn't your daughter. She is your partner's daughter.

I hate to say this but you, and those who are posting in your position, will get it when you have your own children. You'll get it then!

There is a Step parent board on here somewhere. Why on earth you chose to post on AIBU is anybody's guess tbh Hmm

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 23:57

@springydaff I'll be sure to come back and post in a few weeks when my DC is born!

I don't think you really hated saying that to me but ok.

Because the step parent board can be just as brutal as AIBU but gets far fewer responses.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 01/07/2018 23:58

I hate to say this but you, and those who are posting in your position, will get it when you have your own children. You'll get it then!

I don’t know. I don’t get it!

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 23:58

It's also just far easier to write DSD on here than writing boyfriend's daughter every time. I've already explained that I don't use these terms in RL.

OP posts:
Altwoo · 02/07/2018 00:01

@InaccessibleB Same. 100%. Your summary says it all. You do sound really great, though.

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 02/07/2018 00:02

@Altwoo thank you. Many appear to disagree!

OP posts:
Faster · 02/07/2018 00:06

My DS is one. Just one. And his dad and I have been separated for a good six months or so.

If he was to meet someone and want to introduce her to DS I’d be a bit wary. Not of her as such, but cos exDP isn’t the best at making decisions which as in DS’s best interest and I’d worry that things would be happening quickly, before their relationship had cemented (not talking marriage, but just being a LTR). But I’d try to be open minded, and hope she would help him be a better parent.

My ex has a daughter and his exW was always lovely to me, wary at the start, obviously. I was a stranger spending time with the most precious thing in her world. But we were always polite and friendly to each other. Even when someone in the set up was pissed off or hurt, as at the end of the day, his DD was the person who counted the most, she needed us to get along or at least appear to.

Oh I don’t know, it’s very emotive, this blending of families. You sound like you’re giving it your best shot and I don’t know what else you can do apart from that.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/07/2018 00:07

It’s not a random woman though. It’s a women the child has a relationship with

Hmmm...from a parent’s perspective it is a random woman! I have no say in who my ex introduces to our children. I don’t have a say in when the right time to introduce might be. I do have to deal with the fall out. It is all very, very random!

If father can't take his child to school, he shouldn't have her on those days. It's very simple Igenuinely cannot understand why you’d feel like this provided it’s a long term partner

And if the other parent is available to pick up the child directly? What when? A child should go into childcare to,satisfy some sense of ‘my time’ with the child?

takeittakeit · 02/07/2018 00:09

OP - my DCS had an SM, she was an ex good friend and the OW.
She was a bitch - she was emitonally abusive, excluded the DCs and reduced contact to maybe once per month if we were lucky.

I hated her for so many reasons and having to let my DCS be in her presence hurt. To hold them when they came home and reassure them that Daddy did love them was heart breaking. To let them go and be positive and smile and say you will have a good time and pretend that I was not breaking inside - was something you will not understand unless the twunt father or mother of your DCS has fcuked you over beyond belief!

4yrs on - EX has left her, transformed his relationship with his DCs - although he will never have that innate trust - he hurt them and as they get older they understand what happened more. He ahs new partner - she is lovely, we can talk, discipline is the same, we co ordinate, she treats them with kindness and looks after them when they are at their fathers. I like her.

There are so many parts to your question.

JacquesHammer · 02/07/2018 00:12

Hmmm...from a parent’s perspective it is a random woman

I am the parent Smile

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 02/07/2018 00:13

My eyes are going square. I'll be back tomorrow...

OP posts:
springydaff · 02/07/2018 00:16

Don't get snippy love. I bothered to post - not a given on every thread.

LeighaJ · 02/07/2018 00:22

I've tried to skim through the mostly horrible responses and now I feel I have a good idea of how to respond to the OP's questions.

@InaccessibleB

All step-mother threads attract people who genuinely want to give helpful advice or be supportive and sometimes also offer an honest different POV.

However they overwhelmingly attract a huge number of Bitter cows who can't wait to take out their aggression on a 'safe' target in the bitchiest way possible.

It doesn't matter if you hadn't used the term bio Mum or not or if you hadn't referred to yourself as step-mum when you're not married they Still would have found an excuse to try and rip you to shreds to make themselves feel better.

That's why your 6 or 8 earnest apologies were blatantly ignored by them because they still wanted to use it as ammo against you.

They are absolutely pathetic. Angry

Sorry to see that you like so many others in your situation have been bullied by the MN hate patrol. Flowers

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/07/2018 00:22

I absolutely despise my ex-husbands girlfriend. She was the OW. Our DS was two when they started an affair. She has been an utter c* from the outset. DS was going through diagnostics for autism, she dismissed that as "attention seeking to claim DLA", she has threatened me via a solicitor for contacting ex-h about our son. She has made my life an utter misery. She is a foul excuse of a human being. I could go on and on and on about her. Suffice to say, he now, via court, has very limited contact and failed in an attempt to get some sort of triumvirate parenting agreement with her named (I kid you not). Unfortunately, my DS does have to have contact with her, but it is very little and there are no overnights. I will never trust her with my DS. My ex-h is just as bad in this scenario but I truly believe if he'd been with anybody other than her, we wouldn't have the toxic situation we have now.

I have had five years of this shit. She is very controlling over ex and he seems to like that very much, so I send DS off with a smile, I change the subject as soon as he comes home and distract him with other things. I take a day at a time and try not to think about having this twat in our lives forever more. I truly hope that one day my DS has a lovely woman in his life who will be a great stepmum. It's not this one though.

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 02/07/2018 00:24

Stop calling her your step daughter. She isn't your daughter. She is your partner's daughter.
I've explained so many times that I don't use these phrases in RL and that it just makes it easier on this thread.

I hate to say this but you, and those who are posting in your position, will get it when you have your own children. You'll get it then!
But you didn't hate saying that to me. I don't have children as my daughter was sadly born stillborn so I do apologise if I overreact to comments like this. I will be a mum in October...

There is a Step parent board on here somewhere. Why on earth you chose to post on AIBU is anybody's guess tbh Hmm
This is snippy is it not? (That emoji is pretty patronising). I use AIBU because you get far more answers and people tend to say what they really think.

OP posts:
SuperMumTum · 02/07/2018 00:24

So if, as you say, the concerns are more to do with the mother feeling jealous/replaced/worried than the "actual welfare of said child", so what? They're still valid feelings and entirely relevant. You asked for opinions and you got them. Many many women feel that there is a boundary that a step parent shouldn't cross, including your partner's ex. When you have to hand your child over for several days a week to a home where you have no control (and often no idea) what is going on and you are entirely comfortable with it please come back and tell us we were being unreasonable to have worries and to need boundaries.