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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask how bio-mums feel about step-mums?

311 replies

InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 21:37

I'm a step-mum. I try my best to help look after DSD. We get on great. I pick her up from school every other week. Take her out and look after her when DP is out (I'm talking if he nips to the shops or has a weekend meeting). I try to be the step-mum she needs and a good partner to DP. I never overstep the mark and know that I am not her mother.

I am met with a lot of issues. DPs ex trying to get a court order to say only he can get her from school, asking for her not to be left alone with me, telling DSD that she's not to let me dress her or bathe her etc (she's only 6, I'm a normal woman, and being made to feel like a weirdo if I want to bathe my DSD who asks for me to bathe her instead of DF as it's more 'fun')

I keep seeing these AMA threads and I actually want to ask YOU as biological mothers a question about how you feel about step-mums to your children? I'm struggling to feel accepted as a part of her life and want to try and understand this from her mum's perspective. Very open question and I'm hoping for some open answers...

OP posts:

SuperMumTum · 01/07/2018 23:17

Surely you can understand that it isn't easy, as a mother, to allow another woman to take on aspects of that role no matter how 'lovely' dad's girlfriend is?

JacquesHammer · 01/07/2018 23:19

Surely you can understand that it isn't easy, as a mother, to allow another woman to take on aspects of that role no matter how 'lovely' dad's girlfriend is?

It doesn’t negate or diminish mum’s role in any way though?

mummeeee · 01/07/2018 23:19

Fwiw I think you sound like a thoughtful, caring step-mum. I have 3 DC's, but no DSCs.

My parents split-up when I was 9 & whilst it was my mum who had the OM, she was extremely bitter. My dad met & married my step-mum within a year.
My step-mum was given a really hard time by my mum (and so were we as kids). Transitions between the 2 houses were tense and difficult for us. My mum used awful language etc "You kids are filthy, you can tell where you've been. Get those clothes off, theyre filthy" etc every time. We were so scared to go home after visiting my dad's.
My step-mum was kind to us, cared for us, was a listening ear, never once bad-mouthed my mum, 'softened' my dad when he got angry or frustrated. She fed us so well and was more caring than my mum. She is a wonderful grandma to my kids and we have a great relationship 33 years on.

I just wanted to put forward the case for your dsd, who may feel quite caught in the middle, but also to say how much your dsd probably appreciate s your love and care. I wish I could say that things will improve with her dm, but sadly they may not and you may feel like you're constantly negotiating these things for several years yet, but at some point dsd will define things more and her mum will inevitably have less control over the relationship between you and dsd.

Good luck OP

PeakPants · 01/07/2018 23:20

If that is the way you if, I as the mother would be straight into court on Monday morning getting the visitation order changed. Sdd has a mother and you are clearly not going to abide by her wishes.

And if you did, the judge would take a very dim view of you wanting to interfere with and restrict a positive, long-lasting and healthy relationship between your child and her step-parent and may conclude that you were not capable of putting your child's needs above your own. (From a family lawyer)

Original poster

InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 23:22

@Celticmombella you can't just walk in to a court on a Monday. Her wishes were laid out in court and the court did not think she was acceptable in wanting DP to be the only person allowed to take her to school and be on their own with her. The court likely wouldn't take you seriously to be honest. You can't just walk in to court because you don't like someone's opinion.

OP posts:

SuperMumTum · 01/07/2018 23:22

Maybe, maybe not. Mum might feel that it is very much treading on her toes if boundaries are constantly being overstepped? Mum might worry that "stepmum" is more fun, less shouty, doesn't nag about homework. It's a pretty shitty feeling that some random woman is cuddling your child when their sad or brushing their hair in the morning.

LellyMcKelly · 01/07/2018 23:22

It sounds like you’re doing a great job and nobody can ask more than that. While DD is with him it is, to a large extent, up to him how you as a family, live together. I certainly wouldn’t have a problem with her being picked up by you, someone she knows and trusts and likes, and I probably wouldn’t have a problem with you bathing her.

My ex and I both have new (2 years+) DPs, and we are both grateful that our partners love and care for our children. So often the kids are forced out or sidelined or treated as visitors, but we have worked hard so that our kids know they just have extra people to love. Both DPs will do pick up if neither of us can make it and the kids are happy with that. We even all went out together to celebrate DC2’s birthday (it was a bit weird but it was fun).

It sounds like she still has issues with your DP and even if you were Mary Poppins it wouldn’t be enough. It will get easier as DSD gets older, BUT for now her should be clear with her - his house, his rules, especially as both parents have almost equal access.

(I agree with the fabric softener thing - it is weird when your kid comes home smelling like Ylang-Ylang when they left smelling like Sea breezes, but it’s not the end of the world - at least their clothes are being washed)

PeakPants · 01/07/2018 23:23

It doesn’t negate or diminish mum’s role in any way though?

Exactly. I can't believe some of the comments on here. You don't want the step parent to spend quality time with your DC and would prefer it if she ignored them and the dad did 100% of the care while they were there? Lovely. If you are able to look at it from your child's viewpoint for just one second, can you not see how that is much worse than a loving and involved step-parent like the OP? How would you feel if someone just ignored you all weekend because it might upset your mum.

JacquesHammer · 01/07/2018 23:23

It's a pretty shitty feeling that some random woman is cuddling your child when their sad or brushing their hair in the morning

It’s not a random woman though. It’s a women the child has a relationship with.

Original poster

InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 23:24

Of course @SuperMumTum it must be extremely difficult. However it's not going to stop me from being a good person, or make me disappear, or make me care for DSD any less. I've been in her life for nearly 4 years now and I just don't see the point in battling against what conditioner I use or whether I take DSD to school once every other week like I have done for two years. It becomes tiring and changes nothing.

OP posts:

Thehop · 01/07/2018 23:25

I prefer my boys step mum to my exh! She’s more reliable and responsible so I feel happier if she’s around than he’s on his own with them! I also tend to make arrangements via her.

I think you should just give it time x

PeakPants · 01/07/2018 23:25

It's a pretty shitty feeling that some random woman is cuddling your child when their sad or brushing their hair in the morning.

Shitty for YOU as a parent, yes. Not shitty for the child if they love and get on with their step-parent.

Celticmombella · 01/07/2018 23:26

Peak pants If father can't take his child to school, he shouldn't have her on those days. It's very simple.. He needs to organise work around his child the days he has her. Like op said he works nights so he should be able to get up and take her to school. Visitation orders are for parents to see children not partners. My exp lost part of his visitation rights as his gf was doing what the judge deemed his responsibility.

Original poster

InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 23:28

@Celticmombella genuine question. What harm am I doing his child by picking her up twice a month?

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 01/07/2018 23:28

If father can't take his child to school, he shouldn't have her on those days. It's very simple

I genuinely cannot understand why you’d feel like this provided it’s a long term partner

Snappedandfarted2018 · 01/07/2018 23:29

I had it put in the court order access had to be with ex not to leave ds with others, however my basis at the time was he was leaving ds who was getting distressed with family members and going to the pub judge awarded contact centre and it was built up accordingly.

RachelTeeth · 01/07/2018 23:30

Altwoo, well yeah, marriage brings legal status and securities and protections and rights. So becoming a step parent is through marriage, otherwise the person is just dad/mums girlfriend or boyfriend. (Or the ambiguous word ‘partner’ which people often use to mean ‘person I’ve been shagging for a week’)
Words are important.

PeakPants · 01/07/2018 23:33

If father can't take his child to school, he shouldn't have her on those days. It's very simple.. He needs to organise work around his child the days he has her. Like op said he works nights so he should be able to get up and take her to school. Visitation orders are for parents to see children not partners. My exp lost part of his visitation rights as his gf was doing what the judge deemed his responsibility

If you are in England and Wales, there is nothing called a 'visitation order'. You don't know what your're talking about tbh and the OP has been through the court process and the court did NOT agree with the sort of position that you are advocating.

Celticmombella · 01/07/2018 23:34

@InaccessibleB the visitation /Court order is between parents and not you, his partner. This was told to my exp by the judge. Your partner agreed at the time in court that He would have dd on the specific days/times. I doubt he said to the judge will I can have her these days but my gf will be taking her to school.

Original poster

InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 23:34

@RachelTeeth I use 'partner' but we've been shagging for about 4 years so a bit more than a week!

OP posts:

PeakPants · 01/07/2018 23:34

Thankfully courts don't share your view on the importance of marriage, RachelTeeth.

Original poster

InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 23:35

@Celticmombella it is WRITTEN IN to the court order that I will be taking her to school twice a month. You can doubt and argue all you want, the court deemed this appropriate and best for DSD considering we have a brilliant relationship.

OP posts:

SuperMumTum · 01/07/2018 23:36

In my case ex's partner was the OW. He moved out of our house and few weeks later she moved in with him. She still hides if I go to the house to drop the kids off so as far as I'm concerned she is pretty much a random woman, I wouldn't recognise her if I saw her in the street. But I should be happy with her taking a caring role with my young children? I don't raise my concerns much any more but if she wants to pick my kids up from school the least she could do is look me in the eye.

Altwoo · 01/07/2018 23:36

But...status and rights to the partner, not the children, surely? So why is it often pounced upon, rather than seen as what it usually is - a linguistically neater way of describing the relationship?

PeakPants · 01/07/2018 23:36

Celticmombella each case is dealt with on its own facts in children cases. What the judge said to your ex has little bearing on the OP's position. They have BEEN to court. The judge did NOT agree with the mum's position. Why do you think your experience would have any relevance?

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