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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how bio-mums feel about step-mums?

311 replies

InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 21:37

I'm a step-mum. I try my best to help look after DSD. We get on great. I pick her up from school every other week. Take her out and look after her when DP is out (I'm talking if he nips to the shops or has a weekend meeting). I try to be the step-mum she needs and a good partner to DP. I never overstep the mark and know that I am not her mother.

I am met with a lot of issues. DPs ex trying to get a court order to say only he can get her from school, asking for her not to be left alone with me, telling DSD that she's not to let me dress her or bathe her etc (she's only 6, I'm a normal woman, and being made to feel like a weirdo if I want to bathe my DSD who asks for me to bathe her instead of DF as it's more 'fun')

I keep seeing these AMA threads and I actually want to ask YOU as biological mothers a question about how you feel about step-mums to your children? I'm struggling to feel accepted as a part of her life and want to try and understand this from her mum's perspective. Very open question and I'm hoping for some open answers...

OP posts:
Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 22:17

12 nights a month in total.

OP posts:
lifechangesforever · 01/07/2018 22:18

DH and I's parents are all separated and with new partners - only 2 of the 4 couples are married but we refer to them all as our step mums and dads. There comes a time when they're more than just 'mums boyfriend' or 'dads girlfriend' and in OP's case, I think it's fair to say that she is a step mum - obviously, the child doesn't call her that in person but I would assume that's how they would refer to her when discussing her with other people, surely.

OP is getting a way harder time on this thread than what is needed. I would hate to think that friends and relatives of mine who are step mums are viewed like this by other women. Yes, there are exceptions are some step parents are not good, but neither are some parents.

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 22:21

@Helmetbymidnight I'm not looking for any sort of praise or recognition as a part of her life, it's more that I'm finding it hard in regards to the barriers I'm facing. Her mum seems to have an issue with everything I do and I don't know what's ok and what isn't anymore. I even bought the wrong conditioner recently which wasn't what she was used to apparently as she didn't like the smell of her hair and DP received a shitty message about it. It's just constant adversity. I feel like just saying 'right that's it, I'm not helping anymore. I'm just here as a person in my house, she's not my daughter therefore I will interact only when being social, nothing else' - I'm scared to do anything.

OP posts:
Fivelittleduckies · 01/07/2018 22:23

I think it’s natural for a mother to be uncomfortable with this situation no matter how decent a person you may be.

I think what’s more relevant here is not what you are/aren’t doing but the current relationship between mum and dad. Are they on good terms? Has she moved on into a new relationship herself?

It’s less to do with you and more to do with dad I would say ... was their breakup mutual ?

Boofay · 01/07/2018 22:23

I'm a mum. My eldest son has a Step-Mum. I am incredibly fond of her. I like my son's father too, but I discuss most, if not all parenting with step-Mum. As far as I'm concerned, my son is so incredibly lucky to have two amazing mums and two amazing dads! His step-Mum has been in his life since he was 5; he's just turned 18. She's loved by my son, and is his family.
I think we're fairly unusual, in that we do celebrations for my son together; meals out for 16th, GCSE results, 18th and soon to be A-Level results. We'll probably all take him to uni in September too.

It can work, it should for the sake of the children. A little effort on both sides can do wonders!

BitchQueen90 · 01/07/2018 22:24

Not the same situation but my exh has a DP who he lives with. They're not married and I don't think she thinks of herself as a "step mum". I would not be happy with her picking up DS from school etc but this is because she doesn't actually spend that much time with him - DS only spends 2-3 nights a month at their house.

As far as I know she treats him well and I trust my exh's judgment on her but she doesn't try to play the role of a parent. She has no kids of her own and doesn't want any according to exh.

She's not a part of my life, she's part of my ex husband's life. I have no issues with her at all but we have no need to be overly involved with each other.

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 22:25

@Fivelittleduckies on this occasion she had another man. Safe to say they haven't been on good terms for a long time.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 01/07/2018 22:26

God she sounds horribly petty, that level of interferance is not normal.

Hmm I don’t know what to suggest...

slkk · 01/07/2018 22:26

Can I just say that op never referred to her her step daughter’s mum as her bio mum in her post. She referred to her as her partner”s ex and her step daughter’s mum. Biological mothers was a term used to show who she was directing the question at. To differentiate from step mothers. Not referring at all to this child’s mum.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/07/2018 22:28

My DD has a great step mum. She's as a part of DD's life as her dad is.

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 22:28

@Helmetbymidnight I genuinely just think she finds it hard to accept that there's another woman in her child's life, and I can understand that. It's just hard from this side too as I'm not going away and it's difficult being faced with a wall all the time. I would love to rectify it.

OP posts:
Fivelittleduckies · 01/07/2018 22:29

Your focus is so much on the mum but I’m curious as to how your DP responds to all this then?

LHReturns · 01/07/2018 22:29

Hear hear lifechangesforever - and this little girl stays in the same house as OP for 12 nights a month - of course she needs to occupy a female ‘stepmum’ role. I am a BIO-MUM (Arggh!) and also a step-mum. I have been a step-mum for 5 years now (kids were 8&6 when I met them), and it is abundantly clear to me that these kids were the most comfortable with my presence in their home when I was closer, and cosier and fully involved with them. I give them something different to what their Dad does. I am NOT trying to be their Mum, but they like to know how much I care about them and will do for them - not just as their dad’s wife.

I do not believe that backing off is what a 6 year old wants, however upsetting that might be for her Mum.

OP you sound like an absolute delight, stick with it within the boundaries that remain ok, and I wish you all the best. Being a close and loving stepmum will also make it easier for the kids if you and DP have your own children in the future.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 01/07/2018 22:30

I would absolutely hate it. But my ex has nothing to do with his child so it’s not something I have to worry about.

Matilda15 · 01/07/2018 22:31

My ex had a partner for 3 years after we split up, it never bothered me. I knew of her through other people and she seemed nice so I was happy for her to be there.

She was always perfectly pleasant to me and DS adored her so all was good. They split up in October last year and sadly my ex has passed away recently and I reached out to her and we attended the funeral together as we were both in that weird situation where we weren’t with him but were both deeply affected by losing him.

It always seems desperately immature to me to actively dislike an exes new partner if they weren’t the cause of the break up. I always saw it as the more people to love DS the better.

abbsisspartacus · 01/07/2018 22:32

Dad should be doing the parenting not dumping his kid on you for the collecting etc I can see mums point tbf

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 22:32

@Fivelittleduckies he does all that he can do. He is very rational and rarely looses his cool (never with his ex). He tells her that she needs to let him parent and trust him to do what is best for his daughter, but it falls in deaf ears. It's really tricky for both of us. He feels like he's being babysat all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 22:34

@abbsisspartacus see, I really find it hard to see how you think DSD is being dumped on me when all I do is take her to school (2 days out of the 8 he has her) and give her a bath occasionally. He adores her and his life revolves around her entirely. She's never been dumped on me, ever. I work 45 hours a week, we just do what works for us SO that he can see her. If I didn't do that one school run every other week he wouldn't be able to have her at all.

OP posts:
PeakPants · 01/07/2018 22:36

And people worry about how kids find blended families stressful. Well, this is partly why. Territorial bitchiness about how you're only a stepmum if you're married/if the mum dies. Digs at the OP about why she is fussed about wanting to get involved in this girl's life. Maybe because she loves and cares about her? Anyone who thinks like this needs to get over themselves and realise that you are NOT putting your child first by a long shot if you try to deprive them of having a positive relationship with their parent's partner. In this case, the girl clearly loves her step-mum and wants to spend time with her. Instead of encouraging that, the mum tries to stop this. Why would you ever want to stop a positive relationship that your child had?

Oh and the people who come out with stuff like this are ALWAYS the first to move boyfriends in and get them fully involved in family life and are totally blind to the utter hypocrisy.

Oswin · 01/07/2018 22:37

I like my exps gf, i pity her and think shes a mug.
She got with dp when we were together, when i found out he told her to get lost and she bigger him back, he thought that would impress me, i sent him off and she took him in.
She watched him be abusive to be over the phone, she watched him avoid paying maitenance and go without seeing her for weeks and weeks. She was with him when he forgot her birthday.

She still had a baby with him. Now hes destroying there flat and i see it in her face she wishes she never met him. But what on earth did she expect from a man who didnt see his kid and threatened me. Hes a scumbag and she was fine with it till he started with her.
I still like her though. Shes good with dd, shes the mother of dds brothers and when she eventually fucks him off we are probably have to arrange them to see each other cause that knob wont.

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 22:38

@Matilda15 sorry to hear that. Great that you were able to come together and support each other. Having experienced loss recently I can completely empathise with how important that must have been. I do love DSD (or boyfriend's daughter) - of course I do. She's been in my life for 3 years as have I in hers.

Thank you for sharing your story Thanks

OP posts:
Shrimpi · 01/07/2018 22:38

I don't think this is about you. I think that she is angry at your DP. I'm not sure that altering your behaviour can change that. They need to sort out their relationship with one another.

abbsisspartacus · 01/07/2018 22:39

Maybe he has been a lax parent in the past? Maybe mum is being over sensitive? Maybe he has had more than one woman involved in his daughters life and it has fucked her off it's the internet maybe there is no child and your a journo after a non story who knows

Maybe I'm biased because when my ex husband collected our youngest from reception the first time they refused to hand him over as he was a stranger to them

LHReturns · 01/07/2018 22:40

My thoughts exactly PeakPants.

cuckooplusone · 01/07/2018 22:42

I am a mum whose DD lives 3 days/week with her dad and step-mum. We get on fine and I sometimes find her quite helpful (eggs I bet X wouldn't let you climb over the back of the sofa). I used to be a bit funny about some things like haircuts and clothes disappearing, but I am more relaxed now. Something I like is that X is very different from me, so able to add something different as a role model for DD.

I find it odd that when my ex is away he asks me to cover the days, when actually DD is part of his family and misses her brothers (x' sons).

I find ex's mum worse for things like DD coming home smelling like her house, which gets quite a knee jerk emotional reaction from me. It's horrible when your child smells "wrong".