to ask how bio-mums feel about step-mums?

[InaccessibleB]

I'm a step-mum. I try my best to help look after DSD. We get on great. I pick her up from school every other week. Take her out and look after her when DP is out (I'm talking if he nips to the shops or has a weekend meeting). I try to be the step-mum she needs and a good partner to DP. I never overstep the mark and know that I am not her mother.

I am met with a lot of issues. DPs ex trying to get a court order to say only he can get her from school, asking for her not to be left alone with me, telling DSD that she's not to let me dress her or bathe her etc (she's only 6, I'm a normal woman, and being made to feel like a weirdo if I want to bathe my DSD who asks for me to bathe her instead of DF as it's more 'fun')

I keep seeing these AMA threads and I actually want to ask YOU as biological mothers a question about how you feel about step-mums to your children? I'm struggling to feel accepted as a part of her life and want to try and understand this from her mum's perspective. Very open question and I'm hoping for some open answers...

Step parents often get flamed OP.
If you don’t do anything then you can be accused of not caring or engaging with the child.
If you help then you can be seen as taking over.
I have seen many excellent step parents and not so good ones. Just do the best you can. You seem to care and I think you seem to be doing a sterling job in what is always a tricky position.
I think you will get flamed unfairly here. People are already sticking to the bio mum comment. It was clear you meant no harm by that and apologised but apologies are often not accepted on MN.
It’s amazing how many people behind a screen are quite spiteful. In RL I would bet they are quite two faced because if they went around speaking like some of them do here then they would be very lonely people.

Here, have some flowers .

I wish society was a kinder place at times.

Jesus, the OP is getting a hard time on this thread. No wonder step parenting is bloody hard work when this is the general attitude towards someone who actually loves a child and wants to be involved in the right way!

OP, you can't win - if you weren't involved in her life you'd be getting told you're abusive for not supporting her and making her feel wanted.

So, if I had a child with DP, and was on maternity leave for a year, it would make sense for me to do more of the school runs once DC is big enough. It would make sense for DSD to be able to spend time with her brother whenever she wants, not just when Dad is around. I'm just struggling to see how this can possibly work cohesively if all of of DP's ex has her strict requirements met.

I’m not a step-mum but my DD has one.

As soon as she moved in with ex I was happy for her to be referred to a step-mum. She picks DD up from school and on occasion has DD overnight when ex isn’t there.

She’s lovely, doing a bloody difficult job and I’m very grateful she’s in DD’s life. I couldn’t begin to want to create any of the pettiness your partner’s ex is causing OP.

This thread has certainly opened my eyes and I'm seeing more clearly now why step-mums/children's father's partner's find it hard to know what they should and shouldn't be involved in. I just don't know anymore!

If you were to refer to me to my children as their ‘bio mum’, Imwould have no hesitation whatsoever in telling you what I thought of you.

Other than that, I maintain a distance. My ex picks particularly unpleasant women who swallow his shit about what a bad person I am and how he was utterly justified in having an affair. Without exception, his girlfriends have all introduced their own children to my ex immediately which I think is very poor parenting on their behalf. They have all been women happy to be with him when he doesn’t financially support his children.

There is nothing I can do so I just have nothing to do with his partners. I suspect my ex prefers it that way - no way the truth will ever be told to her!

Sorry I am not going to be liked here but I am on mother's side. I would not have you bathing the child or taking her to school. Visitation is between dd & dad. You are dad's girlfriend, you are Not her step-mom. If her dad can not take her to school in the mornings, I would be back in court getting visitation order changed. Like I said child is there to spend time with father not you. It is up to father to change his work schedule to take his dd to school and collect her.

@ohreallyohreallyoh I've already explained and apologised for the bio mum comment a number of times.

Sorry to hear that's your experience. Sounds tough. I am in contact with his ex, she has my number and I have hers for emergencies or if she wants to talk to DSD and can't get through on DPs phone (bad signal area!). Thankfully me and DSDs mum have a fairly normal (but minimal) relationship. She just goes straight to DP with issues she has with me and my interaction with DSD so it is all a bit weird.

My ex had an affair last year and moved in with the OW and now she is the step mum of sorts. They have a child together now too so even if they spilt up she will always be a part of my children's lives. I have zero positive feelings towards her and wish the fucking ground would swallow her up to be honest but for the benefit of my children I play happy families as much as I can. I will always stop her overstepping the boundaries though and ex-partner is frightened of pissing me off so he does what I say. I wouldn't be happy with her doing school runs and bath times and cosy days out. If ex-p can't look after the kids when he has them then I will have them instead, there's no need for her to do it.

I appreciate that it's all quite raw for me still so I might relax about this as time goes on.

OP - I lived with now exDP for four years, together seven, DSS was 9 when we met. His DM did her nut if he ever referred to me as his stepmum, though she was fine with her DP she had been with a far shorter time (and who she split up with before I split with ex) being called stepdad.

I didn't care, he just called me my name and I never once suggested any different but he used it as shorthand.
He could see it wasn't me making a fuss about stuff all the time.

I got complaints about what he was fed, what time he spent with me, if I didn't feed him, what washing powder was used (not I used, ex did DSS laundry, not me, but I think the DM assumed I did it) etc. I just ignored it all.

When he was at our house, which was actually most of the time and full time by the time we split up, it was DP's call what we did, ate etc.
I did say if she didn't like the laundry detergent he could take all his dirty clothes for her to wash if she preferred. No idea if he told her.

Just let it wash over you. I think getting zero reaction from me made her stop bothering after a while.

I used to say to DSS "you're smart enough to understand that the two houses operate differently and be able to deal with that".

She used to try to draw me into stupid conversations about his behaviour so if I knew she was coming round I'd just stay out of the way.

@InaccessibleB

You sound really lovely. You obviously have a great relationship with DSD. I think a lot of negative feelings towards step-mums comes from mums feeling threatened. I just see it as really positive DD has another great female influence in her life who loves and cares for her.

Tbh it just sounds as though she’s unhappy with the situation and can’t acceot it.

For now I think there’s nothing you can do to change how she feels.

But given you obviously care about you dsd and DP wants you in her life I would just continue as you are and lower any expectations you have of mum embracing you yet

I only take her to school twice every month and bathe her occasionally when she wants me to. DP does the vast majority of care (95%) and I only step in when DSD asks for me specifically or DP is at work (for example the school run). It's not like he never takes her. He takes her far more than me and picks her up every day she's with us.

Gosh, this thread is tough!

Yes, I realised you apologised for the use of ‘bio’ and I wasn’t aiming my comment at you personally. It is an unacceptable turn of phrase and I would hit out at it if my children were ever to say it had been uttered in their vicinity. My ex did once refer to me as ‘just their fucking mother’ but, you know, he’s a charmer!

My DS has a step mom. My ex cheated on me and left me for ow (not step mom) when ds was one and he pretty much had the freedom to come and go as he pleased where as I had to adapt my life to accommodate ds in terms of career.

When you have that child together and become that family unit you never envision that one day you might have to share your child/ren miles stones and childhood with another woman, it’s a pretty tough pill to swallow especially when that woman is doing all the motherly things you feel you should be doing. It’s not so bad when the father does it and I have to agree with the mom. The whole point was ex to collect and take ds to school as time gone on Sm does every Friday but majority of the time it is ex, another woman is effectively taking time away from her when she could spent time with her child.

Jealsously is a natural emotion and it can be difficult especially when your child has part of their life you’re not apart of it. I must admit I love the fact that I don’t have to share my two younger children with christmases birthdays, school plays, holidays it’s all mine to share with my dh. I have zero issues with step mom and my dh has had no issues with ex the main reason is we communicate with each over in co-parenting issues neither partner gets involved I don’t even have his wife’s number and ex doesn’t have dh.

@ohreallyohreallyoh I can't imagine that went down well! As I said, I don't use the phrase and didn't until this post. Trust me it's a lesson learned!

Your parents ex has asked for you not to bath the child and you need to adhere to her wishes. If she asks you to bathe her just make an excuse and get her dad to do it. It's very simple. You can dry her hair etc after the bath but not actually bathe her. I would be very uncomfortable if my xp girlfriend was bathing my child. You need to realise that you are the girlfriend not stepmother and if mother says you can't bathe her, you can't. It's quite simple. Court orders are set in place for parents to see children, not for partners

This is a really insightful - although hard to read - thread.

I don’t truly understand the semantics between ‘stepmum’ and ‘dad’s girlfriend. When I first dated my boyf, I would say ‘my boyfriend has children’, which always felt a bit cumbersome and like I was distancing myself from them. Over time, I now say ‘I have stepkids’, but that seems to be wrong. Why is that? Does marriage validate it? What if I didn’t want to get married? Obviously in person I am just ‘Altwoo’ to the children.

I’m also surprised at the animosity around doing pick ups etc. Surely, during the mum’s time, sometimes other arrangements are made: babysitters, childminders, holiday clubs etc. Surely it’s not unreasonable to think the same might happen during the dad’s time, such as not able to leave work, and isn’t it then better to have someone step in who the children know and like?

Step-parenting is naturally so hard for all concerned, and the children should come first - I genuinely don’t understand why the above affects this?

And OP, you sound lovely.

Step-parenting is naturally so hard for all concerned, and the children should come first - I genuinely don’t understand why the above affects this?

I genuinely don’t either. And I’m not the step-mum.

I don't think it matters how lovely someone is, I just don't think most people can accept another woman spending time with their children. This thread has been tough to read and has made me realise that I need to just focus on my family and my life. DSDs mum will have to her used to me as I'm not going away. I'm not going to turn around and say 'no DP, I'm not taking your daughter to school as I need to keep your ex happy'. I don't know what else I can do. This thread has saddened me a little..

@chocolatestrawberries I like AIBU. It's tough and I find it hard to read sometimes. But at least people aren't scared to show their true colours here, even if they're not particularly nice! It shows what people really think (much of which is a shame)

If that is the way you if, I as the mother would be straight into court on Monday morning getting the visitation order changed. Sdd has a mother and you are clearly not going to abide by her wishes.