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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how bio-mums feel about step-mums?

311 replies

InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 21:37

I'm a step-mum. I try my best to help look after DSD. We get on great. I pick her up from school every other week. Take her out and look after her when DP is out (I'm talking if he nips to the shops or has a weekend meeting). I try to be the step-mum she needs and a good partner to DP. I never overstep the mark and know that I am not her mother.

I am met with a lot of issues. DPs ex trying to get a court order to say only he can get her from school, asking for her not to be left alone with me, telling DSD that she's not to let me dress her or bathe her etc (she's only 6, I'm a normal woman, and being made to feel like a weirdo if I want to bathe my DSD who asks for me to bathe her instead of DF as it's more 'fun')

I keep seeing these AMA threads and I actually want to ask YOU as biological mothers a question about how you feel about step-mums to your children? I'm struggling to feel accepted as a part of her life and want to try and understand this from her mum's perspective. Very open question and I'm hoping for some open answers...

OP posts:
Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 21:54

My DP would never leave DSD with me on my own all day or for more than 20 mins if he nipped out. The only time I had her for a day was when his dad was in hospital unexpectedly. He treasures his time with her and we spend a lot of time together as a family.

I wasn't the OW (there wasn't an OW)

OP posts:
Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 21:56

I am her dad's girlfriend. But whether we are married or not makes absolutely no difference to the scenario. Nothing would change in terms of what I contribute to our relationship and my relationship with DSD (or boyfriend's daughter for those who don't think I can use the term step-mum)

I never use the term step-mum in RL. I'm just my name

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 01/07/2018 21:59

My ds step mum is great- I think they’ve been together over twelve years now, so since dc was about 6.

Exdh had a couple of gf before, I’m glad he stuck with this one.

I found the other woman too full on. I would think - do you really have nothing else to do with your life than look after another woman’s child?

Maybe I’m not very maternal but I couldn’t understand why young childless women were so keen to play house. I would think, dc is supposed to be spending time with their father, why is she doing all the grunt-work? Why isn’t he washing uniforms, making dinner, doing pick ups, looking after his dc? What on earth is this silly woman doing this for him?

Fortunately, dcs step mum was v different: she had a job and a social life, she didn’t want to be my dcs parent- just a kindly positive background figure- and for that I’m so grateful.

MurryFinge · 01/07/2018 22:00

So you reduce the mother to “bio”-mum, elevate yourself to step-“mum”? Can see why she doesn’t like you.

FlibbertyGiblets · 01/07/2018 22:00

Thank you.

Best wishes ironing out the issues, not easy for anyone.

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 22:01

@user1471530109 I can only try and understand how that must have felt. How awful. In this case I can completely understand the demands and why they were made. Reasonable or not you must have been really hurt.

OP posts:
foodiefil · 01/07/2018 22:01

@MurryFinge you hate your dcs stepmum don't you?

rainingcatsanddog · 01/07/2018 22:03

You really can't generalize this question.

I think that the main factors are
Mum's personality and actions
Stepmum's personality and actions
How the relationship broke down
How long between the 2 relationships.

FWIW, my ex's gf does not get along with my kids and they haven't seen each other in 3 years. If Dad's gf was doing the work like pick ups and baths, I wouldn't be impressed. I give up my time so that Dad can parent, if he can't/won't do it then they should be with me imo.

foodiefil · 01/07/2018 22:03

Good luck OP. All I can offer as a stepmum not a bio mum is try not to worry about your dsd's mum and focus on giving the little girl another loving and caring home, as best you can. I understand why you want to be accepted but it can be a lot of wasted energy

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 22:04

@MurryFinge I never use the term step-mum or bio-mum in RL. I've never done anything to her that would be hurtful in any way. Your comment is spiteful. I'm just a woman who is trying to do right by her DSD and her mother. I'm actually trying to seek advice to improve the situation here. I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 22:05

@rainingcatsanddog thanks for responding. I know it's hard to generalise but even hearing others' experiences is helpful.

OP posts:
TeasndToast · 01/07/2018 22:06

I wouldn’t be comfortable with a step parent bathing my child. I remarried and didn’t let my own husband do bathing, nappy changing etc to his step children but maybe that’s just me.

Other than that I never had any problem with their dads GF. Unfortunately, as with a lot of these situations, the man you dumped beckmes bitter, finds an adoring girlfriend and feeds her all these ‘crazy ex wife’ stories, painting themselves as the victim. As a result, any chance of rubbing along ok is ruined Hmm

Icecreamandpineapple · 01/07/2018 22:06

When my ex met his new partner I was civil to her and hoped that she'd treat my dc well, especially considering she'd chosen to be a part of their lives and not the other way round, not that that should matter.

Long story short, she has managed over the years to drive a massive wedge between my dc and their 'father' (she has him under the thumb) and has interfered in our child maintenance by lying on his behalf to the cms about all the assets he has.
Basically, she'd only be happy if her now husband didn't see or pay for my dc at all. And the reason for this is I guess she's insanely jealous that my dc are a constant reminder of me.

MurryFinge · 01/07/2018 22:07

@foodiefil, just like the OP’s boyfriend’s daughter, my kids don’t have a step-mum.

AlphaBravo · 01/07/2018 22:07

You're not her step mother. Her Mum is still around. If she wasnt then yes, you would be her step mother if she needed the role filling. You are her Dad's partner, not her parent.

It is her Dad's responsibility to look after her. Not yours. Also if her mother objects then you should respect that. She is her mother.

I wouldn't act like that if my DH met a new woman personally, but I can understand why she is.

foodiefil · 01/07/2018 22:08

@MurryFinge same difference but if it makes you feel better...

henpeckedinchief · 01/07/2018 22:09

Oh my god people how many times does OP need to address the bio mum comment? Your two cents on that isn't needed when it's the tenth comment saying the same damn thing and OP has apologised Hmm

tootiredtospeak · 01/07/2018 22:09

Forget stepmum or girlfriend just be #inaccesible#. Be there if she needs you do what mum allows for now and dont rock the boat or seem like your trying to play happy families with her daugher. Time heals anything in time she will learn to trust you if you are the caring person you portray. My son adores my DP of 10 years but he isnt his dad who he still sees most days. He's just DP who is there when he needs him for a laugh to help to give another perspective if mums being a pain, for a bit of male bonding on a PS4 or to watch football. Hes a constant in his life he loves and relies on him and definately prefers him to me. But he isnt mum or dad and thats ok too.

Helmetbymidnight · 01/07/2018 22:09

It is tricky.

(I’m also a step mum but to a much older child so I see my role is to just be nice and smiley when they visit and to prompt dh not that he needs it) to text/phone/send cash etc.

The mum does sound difficult but this is not a conundrum for you to solve, it’s for your dp. My advice would be step back- let do do the bulk of the parenting- it’s a newish situation presumably- let everyone adjust. Don’t rush the happy family thing - and don’t put photos on sm of you together (not that you would, I’m just saying)

rollingonariver · 01/07/2018 22:10

Some people are just difficult and easily upset unfortunately. Some step mums and mums will get on and some won't doesn't mean you're a bad step mum or they are a bad mum!

MurryFinge · 01/07/2018 22:12

@InaccessibleB how long have you been with your boyfriend?

How frequently does he have her and for how long? Sounds like very other week but for a night or two...?

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 22:13

Thanks all. I really didn't think the bathing thing was an issue but can see for some other people on this thread it is, so maybe I need to re-evaluate.

The picking up DSD from school is something which won't change. Unfortunately it can't. DP works long shifts and nights at times. He gets back at funny times and wouldn't be able to take DSD to school (it's only one morning every two weeks). It's a 10 minute trip twice a month so I'm not taking her to school all the time and if he is ever in a position to take her he will always do it instead of me.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson · 01/07/2018 22:14

How long have you been with your DP and how long have you been in her life?

While your DSD is with her father, He as her parent can decide who is fit to leave his daughter with and pick her up.
If there is no actual valid reason as to why you shouldn't do this (i.e. safe guarding) then i doubt she will succeed in getting the order.

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 22:14

@murry we have been together for 3 years (since DSD was 3). He has her one school night ever week, and Weds-Monday every other week.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 01/07/2018 22:17

You sound like a lovely woman and sincere about ‘doing the right thing’. But this:

I'm struggling to feel accepted as a part of her life

  • why is this so important to you?

Don’t be needy/in a rush, have a life outside of dp and his dd, let things develop naturally.