to ask how bio-mums feel about step-mums?

[InaccessibleB]

I'm a step-mum. I try my best to help look after DSD. We get on great. I pick her up from school every other week. Take her out and look after her when DP is out (I'm talking if he nips to the shops or has a weekend meeting). I try to be the step-mum she needs and a good partner to DP. I never overstep the mark and know that I am not her mother.

I am met with a lot of issues. DPs ex trying to get a court order to say only he can get her from school, asking for her not to be left alone with me, telling DSD that she's not to let me dress her or bathe her etc (she's only 6, I'm a normal woman, and being made to feel like a weirdo if I want to bathe my DSD who asks for me to bathe her instead of DF as it's more 'fun')

I keep seeing these AMA threads and I actually want to ask YOU as biological mothers a question about how you feel about step-mums to your children? I'm struggling to feel accepted as a part of her life and want to try and understand this from her mum's perspective. Very open question and I'm hoping for some open answers...

Anne Boleyn, Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard, Katherine Parr all step-mothers.
I do like the idea of Katherine of Aragon sending a messenger to Henry VIII “that bitch Bullen does NOT bathe Mary. I’m serious. Nor does she take her to the Joust” grin

Well, some of them must have been pretty grim step-mothers as it goes - although Henry doesn't win father of the year. I think Princess Mary strongly blamed the OW Anne for her parent's separation, and didn't he imprison his mother and keep them separate? I don't think any of the step mums were very fond of Elizabeth either and were definitely quite insecure.

@Helmetbymidnight

Oh totally. I was being facetious. I enjoyed the idea though

Katherine Parr “AIBU my stepdaughter is flirting with my husband”

@AlphaBravo - surely you can still be a step-mum even if Mum is still around??

i have two DSD who have a wonderful relationship with me (they live with me and their dad), they refer to me as step-mum, so i refer to myself as step-mum. Even their mother (who i also get on very well with) calls me their step-mum...shall i go tell them all they are wrong and please just called me "Stressed"....i may cook for you every day, wash dry and iron your clothes, sort out everything that needs sorting for you, make sure you get to school/work/events/run around like a lunatic when things are left to the last minute, but please don't ever call me step-mum!

as you can probably tell i am stick to death of the stick step-mum's get on here, we try our bloody best, love these children like our own but heaven flipping forbid we get the slightest bit of recognition for it...

@jaqueshammer that's lovely! I think it's a good attitude to have and a perfect example of how to co parent

The term 'bio-mum' reminds me of 'cis-woman' ... a term invented to to give status and credence to a newly created role (step parents and trans women)

I grew up hearing bio mum to be a mum who gave birth to a child but gave them up for adoption. The woman who adopts the child becomes Mum and the man who adopts the child becomes Dad.

We initially had some issues with DSD's mum. These settled down a lot after DH and I married (15 months into our relationship). The irony is that I was not the OW; it was DSD's mum's idea to end the marriage and she cheated on DH before she left. She herself has since remarried (not to the man she cheated with). Before I came into the picture she was telling DSD to set her dad up with a nice lady because he needed somebody. Then he finds me, and she starts throwing fits and talking smack about me to DSD. TBH, I think she was jealous. DSD and I have a better relationship than DSD does with her mum (her mum has some mental health issues that have never been addressed).

All of this has mostly calmed down now. I have been in DSD's life since she was 5, married to DH since she was 6, and she's now 13, almost 14. I never tried to force a relationship with her; it simply grew organically. She is a lovely girl and rarely needs to be corrected on anything. She calls me "Mum" and has done so since we married - her choice, not mine. (I was happy to have her call me by my first name.) She tells people she has two mums - again, her words, not mine.

It does get better with time. My stepchildren came into my life 20 years ago - I wasn't the OW. It was rocky to start with, I kept out of the frequent squabbles my husband had with his ex but there were times when I secretly thought he was in the wrong, other times when he definitely wasn't.

If he had issues collecting or taking them home I did the 180 mile round trip for him. Fortunately his ex didn't have a problem with that. We had the odd episode that infuriated me like the time she asked me to get DSD's hair cut and it transpired she had nits when we got to the hairdresser but we generally rubbed along.

Now they're all grown up and it's fine. The ex and I respect one another, she seems to appreciate what I do for her children and we get along when we meet - milestone birthdays, graduations and most recently a wedding. She knows I love her children and have done for two decades. I'm not their mum but I'm most definitely in their corner.

@Whatdoido2018

According to the Oxford dictionary and I quote ' A step mother is a woman who is the wife or partner of one's father after the divorce or separation of one's parents or the death of one's mother.'

I will just add for arguments sake that a biological mother is
A woman whose ovum was fertilized and became a fetus. This term does not apply to a woman who provided the uterus for the gestation of a fertilized ovum obtained from a donor.

Seems sensible that OP made the distinction between you, 'bio mum' and her, 'step mum'.

I meant 'newly created' in regards to the relationship to the child - I know step parents have been around forever!

I know what I mean, I just can't get it from my brain to my fingers to type it! 😆

Dear InaccessibleB,

I know it's been a while since anybody commented on your thread.
Just wanted to post a little note to congratulate you on being so open and vulnerable, especially within this space. Your responses were very respectful.

Your need for acceptance may never actually be met by the bio mum. And yes, you are most welcome to use that term, it is not derogatory at all; it is a legitimate scientific term describing their relationship to their child. Unfortunately, whatever name you use, and however you exist in this situation with your step-children, you will never receive acceptance or reassurance from bio mum. Nor any bio-mum, clearly. You will have to find it in the way your step-kids interact with you. They are your gauge, not their mother or any other bio-mother.

No mother ever feels 100% okay with their child being exposed to another potential mother figure, regardless of whether you are nice, mean, older, younger, more attractive, have kids... you are never going to gain her acceptance. You are a reminder that her relationship failed, and that she is not the only woman providing care in her child's life. The minute you get between a mother and her child, there will usually be some unease. Especially if you do a good job, god forbid a better job than her.

So please, keep sharing special time with your stepchildren. Love them as much as you can, be there when she isn't. Be the spare caregiver that keeps them safe and loved. I've learnt first hand that you can literally save your little step-child's life and be there when neither parent can be found ..... and you will still be treated like scum a few days later. Love as hard as you can, you beautiful caring woman. It's people like you who love without expectation or conditions, that create better humans and a better world.

The more restrictions you face from bio mum, it usually indicates you are doing a good job and possibly making her feel insecure. I've been banned from one-on-one time, school involvement, family photographs, graduation ceremonies, Facebook mentions, even baking a cake for BM with my step-daughter was prohibited at one point.... as kids got older they started telling their mum they wanted me there. And that was the sweetest form of acceptance I could ever ask for.

Good luck with the bio-mum. I fondly hope she gets to enjoy being a step-mum one day and realise the silliness she caused :)

My best wishes to you.
x StepLightly