to think this is a normal sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD2 (11) had a sleepover with 3 friends last night, I pretty much just let them get on with it and do what they liked. I've had a furious text of 1 girls mother now though asking me what the hell I was doing and how could I be so irresponsible and saying there is no chance of her dd being allowed round here again. I think the girl was having fun, dd says she was so I don't know if her mum is mad she went home and said it was awful no one looked after us or it was great we could do whatever we wanted.

I think the main things I apparently did wrong were
-I didn't give them them a proper dinner. I let them sort their own takeaway and it turns out they only ordered loads of sides and deserts so no main meal or vegetables.
-Left them alone in a supermarket. DH drove them there to get snacks, he got petrol and waited it the car while they went in and got what they wanted.
-Let them watch a 12 rated film ( Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children), I didn't know it was a 12 but even if I did I would have let them watch it anyway so that's not an excuse.

• I let her dd have her hair curled. DD1(22) did it as they all asked her to do. I wouldn't have let four 11 year old do it themselves in case one of them got burned. I also think dd1 put face masks on them but the mum didn't mention this in the text.

-They didn't have a proper bed and didn't go to bed until midnight. We had proper beds out in dd's room but it was really hot with all of them in there so they ended up sleeping on living room floor with pillows and blankets. -They went on the trampoline unsupervised, they woke up in the middle of the night and went outside to do this, I didn't know this and probably would have said no if they'd asked but I didn't care when they told me in the morning.

No way would I want this to be dd's daily routine which is why she doesn't have sleepovers every day but AIBU to think this was just a normal 11 year old sleepover and I didn't do anything wrong?
Or would you be mad if your 11 year old came back on told you any of this happened on a sleepover or would have wanted me to check with you first before I allowed any of this?

Film would be ok too - it’s not like they are massively under the age band anyway. And I never expect a proper bed to be provided - who has spare beds/rooms unless super rich?

I’d be pretty cross about multiple children playing on a trampoline unsupervised no matter what the time frankly. Properly dangerous. I’m assuming that they weren’t taking it in turn to go on one at a time.

Junk food goes with the territory. Unsupervised in the supermarket wouldn’t be my personal choice at that age, but I guess there’s a limit to how much harm they could come to. Basically anything that couldn’t break their neck or scar them physically or emotionally is fair game: so up to but not including the trampoline.

Do people genuinely supervise 11 year olds on a trampoline at any time? I supervise my toddler on a trampoline (because she’s not yet 3 and acts like a daft puppy) but can’t imagine supervising 11 year olds. I mean, they go to the park on their own at that age (or the ones near us do anyhow) and go on the zip wire etc so I wouldn’t expect to supervise them on a trampoline in my own garden. I mean, sure, they shouldn’t have unlocked the backdoor but it’s hardly crime of the century stuff...

@Upsideup, I wouldn't lose any sleep over the rating of the film. I'm guessing the daughter of Bonkers Mum watches far worse on YouTube.

Going outside to the trampoline in the middle of the night wasn’t acceptable behaviour in my opinion . That’s not your fault however.
Otherwise , I don’t see anything wrong with any aspect of it and I was always very cautious about hosting sleepovers when my kids were young.
Is the possible that her daughter was subjected to some kind of bullying behaviour that upset her ?

Kids do stupid things though! I remember camping out in the garden at that age with DBrother (10) and the kids from next door. We thought it a great idea for one of us to sneak off to the shop as soon as it opened to buy sweets for breakfast - it was An Adventure. Though this was in the 1980s and our parents were fairly relaxed and let us do things like climbing on garage roofs.

All sounds fine .. apart from the trampolining but you know that .

I would not reply to the text . No good would come from it

I'm thinking the kid who instigated the moonlit trampolining was probably the DD of bonkers mum. In my experience the ones that act the silliest were the ones with the overcautious parents.

I think it depends on how the child relayed all this back to her mother.

So: “what did OP cook for dinner?” Might have met with “well, we didn’t really get dinner, we were just told to order something so we had dessert and a couple of sides.” “What else did you do?” “We watched xxx film,” (with the mum knowing it’s a twelve. “Did you do anything else?” “Yeah, we snuck out of the house in the middle of the night and were playing on the trampoline. OP didn’t even know we’d gone.”

Put like that it could easily be construed as the children being left to run absolutely riot and you not knowing or even caring what they were up to.

Regardless of what you allow your own children to do, things like watching twelve rated films is something which you really should clear with a parent first. Yes it’s only a twelve, but some parents are particular about these things.

Similarly going out in the middle of the night. These children, four of them so they must have made a considerable racket, were able to leave the house in the middle of the night without the knowledge of any adult. They tell you they were trampolining but how do you know that? You didn’t even know they’d walked out. They could have gone anywhere, done anything.

I wouldn’t have reacted as the other mother did but I definitely wouldn’t have been happy about the kids leaving the house and you not really caring that they had. That alone smacks of not being very responsible.

I am a laid back parent but my DS would have been in serious trouble for sneaking out in the middle of the night. What if they’d had an accident? What if they’d decided to walk down the road and one of them had been hit by a car? you had no idea where they were.

I certainly wouldn’t have been so annoyed and most of it is just parenting differences. But the laughing off the kids sneaking out isn’t. - it’s irresponsible.

tell her do 'do one' and dont invite the girl again, then the mother can explain why to her. what the hell is wrong with people?

The trampolining thing is not OK and I think I'd be pretty angry with my DCs for going outside in the middle of the night, and worry you didn't even know if they were in the house or not, and didn't see it as a big deal.

The food - I think I'd want to know what was being ordered for a takeaway if I wasn't providing dinner - were you paying for it? Did you/your DH not look what was ordered? That seems really odd. At that age they do still need a bit of guidance.

The buying junk in the supermarket with DH waiting outside - fine (except they had just had empty crap instead of dinner).

11 year old watching a 12 film - also fine, but lots of parents aren't fine with that and I'd be surprised you didn't bother to check.

Hair curling - assuming the girl didn't feel under pressure to join in, knowing her Mum wouldn't want her to have her hair curled, messing about with hair and make up is just part of most pre-teen sleepovers, surely?

No bed - fine, we all slept on the floor for sleepovers as kids, it made it more fun.

The night time trampoline thing is a bit of a worry and might by itself make me uncomfortable letting my DC stay over at your house again. The rest would just make me want to give them a plate of real food before they came over and make sure I planned for them to be tired and grumpy the next day.

Have you talked to your DD about the going outside in the night thing? Does she realise it's a big deal or is it ok for you?

It all sounds fine except the film. When my dd was 11and Wanted to watch a 12 with friends I did text the parents real quick to ask if it was ok their dds watched it.

The rest is fine, even the trampolining of you are pretty rural. I bet they had a blast jumping around at midnight in their pjs.

All the rest I honestly can't see an issue. What did she think would happen to them in the supermarket?

Sounds really fun OP. I would like to come next time. You've done nothing wrong...but a lot right!

I remember being this age. At my house my parents didn't give a damn and left us to it, which meant we usually stayed up all night watch TV. I had Sky and being curious kids, we watched the 'naughty' channels such as Babestation and a show called Strip Mastermind, which is a bit weird now I think about it.

At my friends' houses however, their mums made sure we were sleeping by midnight and came to check on us every half an hour. I remember one mum screaming at her daughter because she overheard her telling the rest of us a rather rude joke. Their parents would have hit the roof if they knew what we all did at mine!

There was nothing there to object to.

My 11 year old recently went to a sleepover where they watched IT (18) didn’t sleep AT ALL, and weren’t offered breakfast despite me not picking up until 11am. I was less than thrilled with that to be honest, but not enough to kick off. These things happen.

'Sneaking' out of the house... ffs they were in the garden they weren't off drinking in a field somewhere.

I would have been pretty cross about this tbh although I would not have contacted you and moaned.

Out trampoline middle of night: unacceptable. Although having said that I don’t think I’d necessarily blame you, I would have expected my dd to make a better decision.

Leaving them alone in supermarket: not your call to make. To leave primary school kids unsupervised in public you needed to ask in advance for parents’ consent.

Film: not your call again, should have asked parents. That film is actually quite scary in places.

Curled hair. Well, not my cup of tea, but whatever.

No proper dinner, wouldn’t really care but would wonder why you didn’t have a look at what was ordered.

No proper bed: never mind, you can’t control the weather after all.

Nothing that would worry me at all! Sounds a perfectly normal sleepover to me

She expects you to have three spare beds? Best I could do would be two sofas, fold up bed, and my child's single mattress in the living room. Camping mats or cushions are fine for preteens though.

I was a bit at the trampolining, but if there were no neighbours to hear then that's different, it's not like they went for a midnight stroll.

Sorry did u say they were watching an obscene film drank loads of booze and crept out to a nightclub? No didn't think so. Boy that mum is gonna have a few shocks further down the line! Sounds like they had a great time!

When I was 11 (last year of junior school) I went to a mixed sleepover with the girls older brother and steep brother. There was loads of us, we all slept in the living room and watched Freddie crugra or whatever it was called! 😨, her parents were very chilled. We all lived to tell the tales. Your dd sleepover sounds good fun. I wouldn't have been happy about the going outside in the middle of the night but I guess your dd knows that by now!

Awesome sleepover OP!

Ok so the trampolining at midnight wasn't a great idea, but a gentle "girls, you might have disturbed the neighbours or hurt yourselves" would have been enough of an admonishment, given they didn't even wake you up.

Fun food and movies is par for the course IMO. Although I might check with parents as to their thoughts on films that might be considered over their age. However sleeping wherever and enjoying themselves, I think you treated the girls as they would like to have been.

This mum is clearly risk averse and no one can say that she isn't wrong, as we don't know her circumstances. But safe to say her dd will probably miss out on a lot of sleepovers if her mum replies with things like that. They're 11, it's hardly CBeebies and cocoa before 7pm bedtime.

That film is a bit scary. I would generally check with parents if showing a 12 to a 10/11 year old. I wouldn't worry though if my dc watched it at that age unless they were particularly anxious.

Trampolining unsupervised in the middle of the night I would also have words about.

The rest of it wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't even think to ask what they ate or how they got it.

I wpuldnt actually mind my ds trampolining or running round the garden at 2am but I wouldn't be impressed by the going out without telling anyone. I wouldnt blame the host parent for this but Id be unimpressed if ds reported back that they were fine about it and I bet that's what she's told her mum.

Sounds normal and loads of fun! The poor child. I would expect to see a lot more of that child once she's a bit older as she'll be trying to avoid her horribly strict mother!