to think this is a normal sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD2 (11) had a sleepover with 3 friends last night, I pretty much just let them get on with it and do what they liked. I've had a furious text of 1 girls mother now though asking me what the hell I was doing and how could I be so irresponsible and saying there is no chance of her dd being allowed round here again. I think the girl was having fun, dd says she was so I don't know if her mum is mad she went home and said it was awful no one looked after us or it was great we could do whatever we wanted.

I think the main things I apparently did wrong were
-I didn't give them them a proper dinner. I let them sort their own takeaway and it turns out they only ordered loads of sides and deserts so no main meal or vegetables.
-Left them alone in a supermarket. DH drove them there to get snacks, he got petrol and waited it the car while they went in and got what they wanted.
-Let them watch a 12 rated film ( Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children), I didn't know it was a 12 but even if I did I would have let them watch it anyway so that's not an excuse.

• I let her dd have her hair curled. DD1(22) did it as they all asked her to do. I wouldn't have let four 11 year old do it themselves in case one of them got burned. I also think dd1 put face masks on them but the mum didn't mention this in the text.

-They didn't have a proper bed and didn't go to bed until midnight. We had proper beds out in dd's room but it was really hot with all of them in there so they ended up sleeping on living room floor with pillows and blankets. -They went on the trampoline unsupervised, they woke up in the middle of the night and went outside to do this, I didn't know this and probably would have said no if they'd asked but I didn't care when they told me in the morning.

No way would I want this to be dd's daily routine which is why she doesn't have sleepovers every day but AIBU to think this was just a normal 11 year old sleepover and I didn't do anything wrong?
Or would you be mad if your 11 year old came back on told you any of this happened on a sleepover or would have wanted me to check with you first before I allowed any of this?

I’m appalled at the lack of broccoli and homework

Sounds like the most amazing sleepover. You're the great mum, sounds like you may have made the complaining mother feel uptight and a bit rubbish .

Sounds like a great sleepover to me.

Normal sleepover at that age, and sounds similar to ones that have taken place in my house with my DS and friends.

I wouldn’t even dignify the text message with a reply tbh. If you do, I’d just send a breezy “Oh well, that’s up to you” text back

What has she actually says she objected to?

I think it sounds like a typical sleepover and the girls probably had lots of fun, have you replied to her?

I don't get what the problem is?! You need to ask, if only for our sakes!

Hi Bonkers Mother,

Thanks for your text. I am sorry to hear you are upset, but I'm also rather shocked and, above all, baffled. While I gave the girls a degree of (gently supervised) freedom that seems appropriate for their age, I am at a loss to know how this has come to be regarded as irresponsible. Could you please let me know what it was that distressed you and/or your daughter? If something is amiss, I would like a chance to put it right.

Kind regards,

Upsideup

I agree the trampolining was a bit irresponsable and would have said no if they'd ask but nobody got hurt. The only neighbours close enough to be able to hear them are away and we didnt hear them so they must have been quiet.

What's wrong with only ordering sides and desserts? sounds like a great sleepover to me!

Sounds perfectly normal and rather good fun to me.

Oh goodness! We used to eat tons of pizza, go to the local sweet shop, watch films, try the ‘hand in water’ trick for whoever fell asleep first....and that’s what I remember! This was usually at my friends house - her family always threw awesome parties.

I think it does depend on how it was explained to the mum as it could sound very unsupervised.
But I definitely wouldn't be happy to hear that they'd been able to go on the trampoline at night without a parent noticing. Not the trampoline as such but that they could have done anything and you were oblivious.
But I'd have rung to chat and see what was actually true. (Knowing how children exaggerate/make stuff up 🙄 )

What has she actually says she objected to?

The things I listed in my OP.
-No proper dinner.
-Unsupervised in supermarket
-12 film
-Curled hair
-No proper bed
-Trampolining unsupervised

It sounds as if there's an incompatibility in parenting expectations here. My sister had a friend whose mum was like this - this mum would phone our mum in floods of tears about things like not putting her 10 year old in a booster seat when going to supermarket, not ensuring that her dd was wearing elbow guards while on a bicycle and so on. She just had extremely low tolerance for any kind of risk. I think it's awful and cringey and not good for kids, but some folk are just like that sadly.

I'd text back saying something like " so sorry you are upset, it wasn't my intention at all. It sounds like you have different expectations for sleepovers at this age and that's fair enough. It's tricky! Glad to take a break from including your DD in our sleepovers for a while, and if you want to try again, keep in touch and we'll see how we go." And never mention it again.

She might realize she's being a twat, you never know. But certainly don't change your approach to suit her expectations. The sleepover you hosted sounds fun, age appropriate and safe and you'll find that your house will become an in demand hangout place as your DD gets older. And that's what you want, honestly.

I don't think I would reply, to be honest. Next sleepover, I would invite the girl and leave it to mum to say no.

The mum is batshit and the poor girl is going to suffer for it all through her young adult years,

Really there isn’t anything you can reply to her. She is so far removed from reasonable that honestly she just won’t get anything you say.

The house was fully locked but they unlocked the back door it.

It sounds like a complete normal sleepover for 11year olds. When my DC were that age they used to eat loads of sweets and drink fizzy drinks, watch films, play PlayStation, etc. We live close to a supermarket so walked up there by themselves. I remember DS2 and his friends sneaking out to play football in the garden one night It's just a bit of fun. How on Earth is this woman going to cope when her DD hits her teens?? I'd love to be a fly on the wall!

Ok well I think you should have asked about the film and I don't love the idea that 4 11 year olds felt it was ok to leave the house in the middle of the night and no-one knew.

Just sounds like normal sleepover stuff

My only real rule with sleepovers is “if you wake me up I’ll be bloody furious so whatever you do once I’ve gone to bed you do it quietly”. I think the last one ds has they went to sleep about 2am, ate a load of crap and played far too many violent Xbox games

Bet she's on here. One of those posters.

Chill OP. You've don't nothing wrong. They're 11 not 3.

I wouldnt ask about an 11 year old watching a 12 cert film.

I'd just say sorry you're upset, the girls had a great time. I've banned midnight trampolining thought. If (friend) doesn't want to come to the next sleepover that's fine.