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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that dd has just told her friends to come down and make food.

302 replies

PooFlower · 01/07/2018 14:47

Dd age 14 has two friends in her room waiting for her to get ready.
The two girls have just come down and made cheese and ham bagels for themselves dd and my younger dd who has already eaten a good lunch.

Am I unreasonable to be really cross. I have just told them all off.
I can't afford to buy more bagels, cheese and ham. They were suppost to last until Thursday.
And I think its just so rude.
I would have been a bit cross if dd had made them, but the two girls just coming downstairs and going through the fridge and cupboard has shocked me. Is this usual behaviour these days?
They are fairly new friends too. I could understand with a very close friend we have known years but this isn't the case
Dd seems to think they have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
MrMeSeeks · 01/07/2018 14:48

Yes i think you.

Angrybird345 · 01/07/2018 14:48

Cheeky and rude.... Yanbu

joopy79 · 01/07/2018 14:49

Depends on what normally happens, is she normally expected to ask before she helps herself?

cmlover · 01/07/2018 14:49

well the your dd told them to and they did make your other dd something.

I'd be cross with your dd not the friends even though it's a bit cheeky

TeacupTattoo · 01/07/2018 14:49

I think it's rude they didn't ask you if it was ok first...the stuff could have been meant for a particular meal. Does your daughter not check herself? Maybe she presumed they would check.

HollowTalk · 01/07/2018 14:49

Well, maybe she needs to repay you the money it cost and then she'll realise what they've done wrong!

If money is tight it's really important your own children don't just help themselves, never mind some random friends. I can't imagine rooting through a friend's mother's cupboards for food - that's really terrible.

HellenaHandbasket · 01/07/2018 14:50

Depends, if your daughter told them too they probably assumed it was ok.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 01/07/2018 14:50

Your poor daughter, that must have been embarrassing. If you can’t afford it then a discrete word with your dd would have been more appropriate. I can’t see how the girls did anything wrong.

EsmeeMerlin · 01/07/2018 14:50

It’s not the two girls though really, I imagine they did so on the request of your dd who told them it was fine and to go ahead and make them.

RiddleyW · 01/07/2018 14:51

I can’t see how it’s the friends’ fault or rudeness if your DD told them to do it.

Blueemeraldagain · 01/07/2018 14:51

If your daughter told them too you can’t really blame them too much. To be fair, I would have still asked a friend’s mum what was ok to have.

RealGod · 01/07/2018 14:53

YABU.

Your daughter gave them permission. It's her you should have a quiet word with

Not humiliate her in front of her friends.
They'll probably tell everyone at school you're a tightarse who is stingy with bagels.

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 01/07/2018 14:53

Did your dd maybe not want to tell her friends that food was short when they said they wanted something to eat？

I would go gently with her and find out how it happened.

DitheringBlidiot · 01/07/2018 14:53

I don’t see what the girls have done wrong tbf, yeah I’d be a bit annoyed with dd as she should have asked. Does dd have any money of her own to go and buy bagels? Send her to the shop.

redhappydance · 01/07/2018 14:53

Please don't be that parent.

My parents were really unwelcoming to friends and it made life as a teen much more difficult.

I'm sure she eats when she goes to their houses.

BrutusMcDogface · 01/07/2018 14:53

It's definitely your dd's fault for telling them they could. I also feel sorry for her as it must have been really embarrassing. Couldn't you have waited until she was back later to tell her that wasn't on?

BrutusMcDogface · 01/07/2018 14:54

I'd be surprised if they ever wanted to come back, tbh.

Thingsthatgo · 01/07/2018 14:55

I would be cross with your dd, if she knows not to help herself, but not her friends. It was pretty standard practice when I was a teenager. We would make lunch/snacks at each other’s houses all the time. One house the fridge was off limits, and we were told that by our friend, so we’d buy stuff on the way to take with us usually. It wasn’t considered cheeky, it was a way of being more independent and not bothering the parents of the house we were at.

Hadjab · 01/07/2018 14:56

Depends - do you want your home to be a place of welcome for DD’s friends, where they can all hang out in safety, and you can get to know who she’s spending time with, or do you want her to be out, more than in, because her friends will get a telling off if they step out of line? I’m not excusing their behaviour - there is no way in hell any of my kids’ friend’s would do that, and I never would have either, but rather than embarrass your daughter, have a quiet word with her that it’s not on.

Jozxyqk · 01/07/2018 14:57

Yes it's rude. The friends may not have thought - if they're from a more affluent family, it simply won't be on their radar.
But, if money was so tight that I couldn't afford to replace bagels, cheese & ham, I'd have bought bread instead - not bagels. If I saw bagels in the cupboard, I wouldn't assume you were struggling for money. Does your DD know you're hard up at present? Perhaps you need to have a chat with her.

FWIW, I've been on the bones of my arse financially, before now, with nothing in the cupboards. I appreciate it's stressful. Hope things get better for you soon.

HellenaHandbasket · 01/07/2018 14:58

I wouldn't have told them off, I'd have had a word with your daughter later. Your financial issues aren't the girls' problem, they weren't to know when your daughter told them.

soulrider · 01/07/2018 14:58

Wouldn't have dared go through fridge and cupboards in someone elses house as a teeneager whilst my friend was upstairs even if they'd told me it was ok. I find it a bit strange that new friends would be comfortable doing it.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 01/07/2018 14:59

I’d be annoyed but tbh different people have different levels of acceptance around this sort of thing. My mum used to keep a very full fridge and was fine about my friends helping themselves to a snack if we were getting ready to go out or whatever. At the moment, we’re seriously trying to save money so I would say no we can’t spare that but have some crisps or something on hand.

Talk to your daughter and make it clear she can’t just offer up anything she likes to her mates.

Ttc321 · 01/07/2018 15:00

I also feel a little bit sorry for your dd, as it could have been embarrassing, all I know is that I would have been embarrassed as a teen if I told my friends to make themselves something and then my mom told us all off.

Pringlecat · 01/07/2018 15:00

The friends have done nothing wrong.

If it's a house rule to not help yourself, it's your DD at fault. She gave them permission and it wasn't unreasonable for them to rely on that.

Does your DD actually know how tight things are?