To be cross that dd has just told her friends to come down and make food.

[PooFlower]

Dd age 14 has two friends in her room waiting for her to get ready.
The two girls have just come down and made cheese and ham bagels for themselves dd and my younger dd who has already eaten a good lunch.

Am I unreasonable to be really cross. I have just told them all off.
I can't afford to buy more bagels, cheese and ham. They were suppost to last until Thursday.
And I think its just so rude.
I would have been a bit cross if dd had made them, but the two girls just coming downstairs and going through the fridge and cupboard has shocked me. Is this usual behaviour these days?
They are fairly new friends too. I could understand with a very close friend we have known years but this isn't the case
Dd seems to think they have done nothing wrong.

@MrTrebus

The problem is your lazy entitled daughter. The other people is you text her to come down and she ignored you. You text her?? Wtf?? Possibly why she's lazy and why she ignored you if that's how you communicate in your house.

I didn't see that the OP had texted her DD, in which case it's the D's own fault she got yelled at in front of her friends.

I'd text my DDs when they're visiting and upstairs in their bedrooms, for all sorts of reasons or none. Or they text me. Why bellow up a stairs if you can text?

Regardless of whether posters think dc's friends helping themselves to food is outrageous or not - please look at the bigger picture. Teens are hard to parent. They push boundaries, hide stuff, pretend a is happening when actually b is happening, tell you they're going to x, when actually they're going to y, tell you they're staying at y's house when they're actually at z's etc etc.

Welcoming their friends, however rude and entitled you think they are, means you get a vague idea of what they're up to, you're a part of their social life, you keep the lines of communication open, you know who x, y and z are because you've met them.

Don't be the parents who's kids are always elsewhere because their friends aren't welcome.

Please don’t apologise!

Honestly Mumsnet is FULL of people claiming to feed the family on £50 a month, asking for tips on reducing shopping bills, sharing advice on meal plans - I’m not sure how any of those things would sustain an open fridge policy!

Has it just happened this afternoon?

From an adult's perspective, it does seem extremely rude to clear out the fridge of packed lunch stuff on a Sunday afternoon. Even if you were loaded, the supermarkets shut at 4 and there's no way of replacing it before the morning. Obviously this is unlikely to occur to a kid who'd never been responsible for household management.

But just a cheery "Sorry we need that for tomorrow's lunch" will do in future, as I'm sure you've gathered.

''Please don’t apologise!

Honestly Mumsnet is FULL of people claiming to feed the family on £50 a month, asking for tips on reducing shopping bills, sharing advice on meal plans - I’m not sure how any of those things would sustain an open fridge policy!''

Posters appreciate that though but they are simply saying it is inappropriate to voice such frustrations and issues in front of guests as it is personal business. If you make your kids friends unwelcome in your house then eventually you drive your kid away as they will hate and resent you for it. My parents did it to me, handle it differently.

We're fairly well off but I bought bagels today and froze them so that they will not be eaten ahead of the less exciting, cheaper and more nutritious bread in the bread bin.

I also hid crumpets under some bags of lentils so they will survive for an after school snack later in the week.

I think it's normal to want to control when things are used up when you're running a large household-it's like stock taking and planning for meals without waste.

even kevin the teenager's mate would not do this. where is it acceptable to help yourself in someone else's kitchen without asking the owner?

brats.

It depends where you live, supermarket here shuts at 10.

I'm not made of money and have been on the headline before, but I'm assuming this was the first time it happened.

Teenagers do eat a lot and it's always good to keep your teens friends onside.
Apologise and make it clear in future what they can and can't have.

Scuse typos.

ah sorry op, didnt realise they hadn't been invited round! deffinetly have a word with your daughter about money, and tell her if shes really hungry after her lunch she needs to have something cheaper for 2nd lunch like toast or something, and not have a second proper meal of a cheese and ham bagel.

Oh Jesus you’re that parent. Condolences to your DD.

Oh dear, this is a tough one. If money is tight, you need to have a chat with your daughters. Having a go in front of her friends was not the way to go, OP. I do understand your predicament though. When I was a kid, we didn’t have much and Mum just bought what we needed. No luxuries. Sometimes, not much food either. I didn’t invite friends round because I felt embarrassed about not being good enough. It’s a fine line I think.

I think you're being slightly unreasonable.

Some families are much more relaxed than others. My parents told my friends to help themselves to anything on bottom shelf. Some other friends parents was visibly hurt that I didn't ask for food when I was hungry. But others were very Draconic and you feared asking for water.

As you said as a teen you'd not even help yourself to water that's just a bit bonkers. If you're dehydrating/just done exercise/need to take medication you have to wait until a parent is around?

I always asked my friends if I should ask their Mum would she mind? Some would say sure ask her others told me to help myself. I never did with food except fruit previously mentioned by Mum and squash or water. I let my friend get me the food if they were sure their Mum wouldn't mind.

I think you have to be polite but as a host if you think you should be asked for water or to use the bathroom I'd probably not go back.

I did text dd to ask what was going on but she wouldn't come down and I got cross.

Um - go up??? Yes it's another thing to be cross about, but would've saved bringing the friends into it.

special they are not ‘brats’ (lovely turn of phrase by the way...)
Their host, the OPs DD told them they could get the food. They didn’t he,p the,sleeves without asking. My DD would also do the same. The fault here is either a)OP not being clear about what food is available for snacks or b)the DD not asking. Probably the latter. It is in no way the fault of the friends who just followed instructions (and didn’t even just get it for themselves - they made food for the OPs younger DD too).

I wouldn't have had a go at the girls, but would have said something to your daughter

I also have a 14 year old, and having just converted part of our house we seem to have a wide selection of his mates descend on us at the weekend. I make sure there's cheap drinks/ biscuits etc and I don't mind getting in frozen pizzas if I know they'll be here over lunch. However it's all offered by me, or DS knows he's to ask before he takes!

I’m sorry- whilst I understand why you did it, you were massively unreasonable. These are new friends, and youve humiliated your daughter in front of them, and shouted at/around them. I understand that the food had been accounted for- being annoyed and having a talk with her was a more Han reasonable thing to want to do- but in that way, I think you were very unreasonable

Hmm ... As someone who’s never bought a bagel in my life - aren’t you wasting a ridiculous amount of money on ready made baked goods? And yucky processed ham?

I’m annoyed with you because you have mortally embarrassed your daughter. I’m sure transitioning into the teen years is hard - but, for the Lord’s sake! Don’t you want her to have friends? You’re going the right way about leaving her completely isolated and alone through her teens.

Buy some flour and cheep cheese and tomato whatever. Encourage them to make pizzas. Much more filling, economical and fun.

Plenty of people understand about tight budgets. You just cannot allow anxiety about it to impact on your child’s life in this completely innecessary way.

YWBU to tell them off. Your DD told them they could, so I don't think they could have known that you wouldn't want them to. You should have told your DD off if you really had to. But I would also make sure from now on that you keep food in the house she is allowed to help herself to when hungry. Teenagers have voracious appetites.

I feed my kids friends when they are at mine and are hungry and I would be really disappointed if my daughter was left hungry at one of her friends houses. Admittedly my dd doesn't send her friend down she comes down with them and says can we make something to eat and I reply of course let see what we have. Maybe your dd knew you would kick off and therefore sent her friends down in hope that you wouldn't 🙄

My DS hosts his friends and occasionally has sent them in for food by themselves. There was a period when we seemed to be feeding the five thousand but it evened off.

Easy cheap Iceland stuff and letting his mates keep some in the freezer was simple solution to them wanting meals.

i think perhaps a big difference in our household to OP is that DS was aware of finances being tight and that of all the things I don't like spending money on food isn't one so we were starting from a joint point of wanting to feed guests but not be penniless as a result.

I also think you're on course to a situation where your DD's friends don't want to come round any more because they're frightened of you telling them off. That would be a shame for your DD, who must be incredibly embarrassed and upset.

(cheap not cheep!)

I feed my kids friends when they are at mine and are hungry and I would be really disappointed if my daughter was left hungry at one of her friends houses

God how long are these kids staying

If they have had lunch then that's plenty til tea surely

YABU
How humiliating for your dd and how unwelcoming of you.
The girls weren't to know you are on a tight budget.
If I'd have been made to feel so uncomfortable at a new friends house at that age I wouldn't return. I hope you've not damaged their new friendship by over reacting.