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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that dd has just told her friends to come down and make food.

302 replies

PooFlower · 01/07/2018 14:47

Dd age 14 has two friends in her room waiting for her to get ready.
The two girls have just come down and made cheese and ham bagels for themselves dd and my younger dd who has already eaten a good lunch.

Am I unreasonable to be really cross. I have just told them all off.
I can't afford to buy more bagels, cheese and ham. They were suppost to last until Thursday.
And I think its just so rude.
I would have been a bit cross if dd had made them, but the two girls just coming downstairs and going through the fridge and cupboard has shocked me. Is this usual behaviour these days?
They are fairly new friends too. I could understand with a very close friend we have known years but this isn't the case
Dd seems to think they have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
villainousbroodmare · 01/07/2018 15:00

They must have told your DD they were hungry. Would it have been better if she had said no, there's nothing here you'd be allowed to eat?
I agree that it was a little cheeky of them to crack on independently but I'd hate to embarrass my child in front of her friends over something as simple as a sandwich.

Think about how you handle this... it will be remembered. She might choose not to bring friends home again, which would be a real pity, I think.

ApolloandDaphne · 01/07/2018 15:01

How were you planning to make a few bagels and some ham/cheese last you until Thursday?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 01/07/2018 15:02

Well four bagels would last till Thursday? They could easily have made them all including the ham and cheese? Not rocket science really.

AjasLipstick · 01/07/2018 15:02

I think you needed to wait till' her friends weren't there.

I remember my friend making us a cup of coffee and her Mum going off about the lack of milk they had.

I was so bloody horrified that I never went back! It wasn't that they weren't well off but that her Mum was so embarrassing.

titchy · 01/07/2018 15:03

Sorry but I would never ever resent feeding my kids' friends - providing a friendly welcoming home where friends feel comfortable is absolutely vital when you're parenting a teen.

So provide what you can afford. And if you can't afford bagels don't bloody buy them! Next time any food that you're saving for something specific put on a certain shelf and make sure your dd knows, and tells her friends, that they can help themselves as long as they don't touch anything on the top shelf of the fridge etc.

It was nice of them to make her and her sister something to eat by the way.

SoyDora · 01/07/2018 15:03

The girls just did what your DD told them to do, so she’s the one at fault.

Juells · 01/07/2018 15:03

Sounds like she was trying to be the cool friend, and her cover has now been blown Grin

Original poster
PooFlower · 01/07/2018 15:03

Yes dd told them to do it.
And it is dd that I'm cross with not the girls.
I had to tell them all off because dd wouldn't come down so I had to shout up asking what was going on. I didn't directly tell the girls off but they would have heard me telling dd it was very rude and not to do anything like that again.
I do think the girls are rude though. I would have said no if a friend told me to go down and make food in their house. And my friends mums knew me really well. I wouldn't have even helped myself to a drink of water.
I wasn't sure if things had changed since I was a teen and I was being a bit precious.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 01/07/2018 15:03

All those asking how a few bagels were meant to last till Thursday...one a day for someone's lunch is how.

Some people have no idea about how some people have to budget and plan food.

villainousbroodmare · 01/07/2018 15:03

Oops, you already told them all off. Oh well.

ApolloandDaphne · 01/07/2018 15:04

I understand one each day for someone but there is OP and her 2 DDs in the house so 3 people.

MrsGrindah · 01/07/2018 15:05

You are the rude one! You don’t tell guests off.Its not as if they just marched straight in and raided your fridge. The stuff is gone, there’s nothing to be achieved by making a scene now. You should have just had a quiet word with your DD after they had gone and explain that your food budget is tight. Youve made everyone uncomfortable and achieved nothing.

BrutusMcDogface · 01/07/2018 15:06

Still unreasonable I'm afraid.

IHaveBrilloHair · 01/07/2018 15:06

They only did what your Dd told them to do and now you've completely embarrassed them all.
You'll have to do something to fix it and quick.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 01/07/2018 15:08

It isn’t hat “things have changed” it’s that most teens don’t grow up in houses where food is that right and making a snack like a sandwich is going to mess up a budget for the week. And it isn’t horrifically rude of them not to think.

You humiliated your teenager in front of new friends. You should have had a word with her this evening. Even making her pay you back would be better than making a show of her for doing something as normal as telling a hungry friend to make a snack.

Those girls are going to think you’re an absolute dragon at a time when trusting and knowing your children’s friends is more important than ever.

Candlerow2018 · 01/07/2018 15:09

YABU and have just seriously embarrassed your daughter.

She's 14, that's perfectly old enough for her friends to assume that if she says it's OK to make a bagel then it's OK to help themselves. When I was that all of my friends used to make sandwiches at each other's houses and the only person we asked would be the friend, not the parent. Your daughter is a teenager and is hosting her friends, in this scenario it's perfectly OK for them to assume you would allow it if your daughter says so.

It could have been handled much better by discreetly having a word with your daughter and explaining why it mustn't happen again, or even a casual "sorry girls you'll have to pop those bits back in the fridge, I'm not planning to do another shop until Thursday".

Don't be that parent who makes her friends feel unwelcome.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 01/07/2018 15:09

Whilst I agree your DD is at fault I am a bit surprised that the girls went ahead & did it tbh. I wouldn't have done this at my best friends house at that age & I knew her parents well.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 01/07/2018 15:09

Food is that tight

And I agree with posters that says telling them off by proxy is far far ruder than making a snack when your friend says to.

Vodawoah · 01/07/2018 15:10

God I would love it if my DC friends felt comfortable enough to help themselves to stuff at my house (within reason). But I'm overly obsessed with the idea of being a hub because my childhood home was not a nice one so maybe IABU.

NiktheGreek · 01/07/2018 15:10

I hate the thought of any guests in my home going hungry so yes yabu. Your dd must have been so embarrassed in front of her friends. She was being hospitable which is the correct way to treat any guests including teenagers.

AjasLipstick · 01/07/2018 15:10

"I had to shout up asking what was going on."

Oh OP....don't do that to her again.

NoFuckingRoom I don't think it's abnormal at all for kids to do this.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 01/07/2018 15:11

I'm afraid I agree with titchy. I want my DD to feel this is her home too. As the old saying goes, if you sweat the small stuff they will hide the big stuff from you (or something along those lines). Moreover, my mum created an 'atmosphere' if I had a friend over without prior warning, would go nuts (still does) if I spill one crumb on the floor or would go over the top trying to show 'interest' in my friends to the point of embarrassment. Anything but just act natural. It's hard, as I am an introvert, but I'm going to make a conscious effort just to try and be more....chilled.
On the subject of money, now you can just have a quiet word with DD so she knows the score, and have some food in everyone can have, cheap crisps etc. Tell DD she needs to be the one to uphold the rules with her friends, or they will think your house is bagel central from now on.

chilly32045 · 01/07/2018 15:12

I would say your being a bit over the top. I like to think i will always be the House that my children's friends can come to and feel like their at home. It's just a bagel.

But, going forward maybe have a cupboard that they are allowed food from with crisps in etc.

It's a bit awkward that you told her friends off and made them feel uncomfortable.

Claredemoon · 01/07/2018 15:13

Was it necessary to tell your daughter off then and there? Maybe you could have taken some time to reflect on it and addressed it after they left. It's a tricky one, the girls were obviously hungry but your daughter should have come down and told you that her guests were hungry, that's what I would have done when I was younger. Your daughter was probably being a thoughtless teenager and not realising it was a big deal, maybe discuss some ground rules with her once you have both calmed down.

BlueJava · 01/07/2018 15:14

It would be normal in our house - but they do usually say "we're just going in the fridge is that ok Mrs X?" even if DS has told them it's fine.