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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that dd has just told her friends to come down and make food.

302 replies

PooFlower · 01/07/2018 14:47

Dd age 14 has two friends in her room waiting for her to get ready.
The two girls have just come down and made cheese and ham bagels for themselves dd and my younger dd who has already eaten a good lunch.

Am I unreasonable to be really cross. I have just told them all off.
I can't afford to buy more bagels, cheese and ham. They were suppost to last until Thursday.
And I think its just so rude.
I would have been a bit cross if dd had made them, but the two girls just coming downstairs and going through the fridge and cupboard has shocked me. Is this usual behaviour these days?
They are fairly new friends too. I could understand with a very close friend we have known years but this isn't the case
Dd seems to think they have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
OliviaStabler · 01/07/2018 15:17

YABU.

You should have pulled your dd to one side in private at another time about this if your budget is so tight you can't afford to feed two visitors some bagels, cheese and ham. It is hardly like they took lobster and foie gras.

The girls were told by your dd it was fine to make food. Just because your household is strictly run and food intake is clearly regulated, does not mean the friends are used to the same at their home.

The friends probably feel really awkward and embarrassed that you had a go at your dd in public over a few food items. They might even tease dd about your tightness.

fruitbrewhaha · 01/07/2018 15:18

So you would rather your DD and her friends didn't hang out at your house?

I would much rather have a house where the kids feel they can have their friends around. You know what they are up to and who with.

You are going to push her away with this attitude.

Merryoldgoat · 01/07/2018 15:18

Sorry, you should’ve waited until they weren’t there.

Personally I’d have found it odd but I wouldn’t have thought it rude given your DD asked them to.

You will have made two girls feel very uncomfortable in your home and that alone is reason not to do it. Would you like your daughter to feel like that I’m there home?

I absolutely understand that the food wasn’t going spare and you can’t afford to replace it - but that needs addressing with your DD. You could’ve said ‘sorry girls, those are for my lunch - have X instead’.

Halfblindbunny · 01/07/2018 15:18

People who don't help themselves after you have told them to help themselves can be really annoying. It's not rude to help yourself if you have been told to. I would have waited until after her friends had left then explained to DD to check with you next time incase the food is needed for something else. I don't think the friends or your daughter did anything wrong really.

Snowysky20009 · 01/07/2018 15:18

My ds's friends know where the water, juice, fruit, crisps, chocolate and cereal bars are, and where the fridge and freezer is. They all know if they are hungry, to help themselves. ONLY rule is they must clean up their mess! I'd hate for any of their friends to be hungry in my home. If they went home hungry and told their parents I'd be mortified.

somewhereovertherain · 01/07/2018 15:19

Would be normal in our house if DD had said then I’d have no issue. But normally when they arrive we’d saying something like help yourself to food and drinks. So would be sort of pre cleared. But then they all regularly come round to bake cakes.

HollyGibney · 01/07/2018 15:19

I'd have a been a bit Shock but I would never embarrass my daughter and her guests by making a fuss like you did. Mortifying. I'd have had words afterwards.

pigeondujour · 01/07/2018 15:19

Would you actually want anyone in your house to feel that they couldn't help themselves to a glass of water, though? That sounds far ruder to me.

Snowysky20009 · 01/07/2018 15:20

Don't be surprised if a) they don't come around again b) they don't invite your dd around c) your dd now gets talked about tomorrow at school or d) your dd comes from their homes starving if invited over.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 01/07/2018 15:21

Well it’s a courtesy to have asked of course, and they should have done, or your DD should have done at least. But I can’t imagine inviting teenagers round and not having food for them to eat, ‘getting ready’ sounds like they’ll be there for a while and all the teenagers I know are like locusts. But then again, I’m very much from a, with regard to food and drink (see sandwiches and cups of teaWink), Ah gawan, gawan, gawan, yawill, yawill yawill, type of background.

wictional · 01/07/2018 15:21

Your poor daughter, that must have been embarrassing. If you can’t afford it then a discrete word with your dd would have been more appropriate. I can’t see how the girls did anything wrong.*

This.

somewhereovertherain · 01/07/2018 15:22

If we did have an issue with anything whilst friends here we would have a word afterwards for next time.

Claredemoon · 01/07/2018 15:23

Just to add, I think I'd be more annoyed that my dd hadn't been a good host and made something for them.

areyoubeingserviced · 01/07/2018 15:23

YABU
Your dd gave them permission for goodness sake
You should have spoken to your dd after her friends had left, rather than embarrass her and them
Hope things get better for you soon

Original poster
PooFlower · 01/07/2018 15:23

I get a shopping delivery on Thursday. Dh got a small top up shop this morning so the bagels needed to last until then.
We are a working family of four on a low income. I could buy more but I do have to budget and cant afford to have an open fridge.
Both dds have them for breakfast and there is only one left now, plus no ham and hardly any cheese.
To be honest it is more about her friends going through the fridge and cupboards than the cost of the food. It has made me feel very uncomfortable.
Dd is very lazy and probably sent them because she couldn't be bothered.
Dd doesn't really go to their houses, friends tend to call for her because she takes forever to get ready.
I appreciate that I should have just had a quiet word with dd though.
I did text dd to ask what was going on but she wouldn't come down and I got cross.
I appreciate I could have handled it better though.

OP posts:
Cleanermaidcook · 01/07/2018 15:24

Half the street have just raided my freezer for ice lollies and got water. If the food budget is tight then you should have a word with her In private but not embarrass her or her friends.

RavenWings · 01/07/2018 15:25

If you were going to tell anyone off, it should have been your DD only. The friends were guests, she did tell them to do it and they didn't know it was wrong. If I was them I wouldn't come around again and I could imagine the parents being a bit frosty with you.

Really though I think you should only have gotten angry if you'd pulled DD aside beforehand and told her not to do it. She's not a mind reader.

MyKingdomForBrie · 01/07/2018 15:25

I'm absolutely astonished at this. I would never for a second consider making a scene about anything until the friends had gone home let alone something so basic as your dd's guests being told to make themselves a snack by your own child!

You shouted up the stairs so they could hear. I'm just mortified for you and your dd. Why have people just no sense of being hostly any more. It's not like they came in off the street and stole, it's not like they didn't have DD's express permission/instruction.

Sorry but I think you're totally in the wrong.

Verbena37 · 01/07/2018 15:26

It’s the opposite in our house...I shout to DD “dd can you make tea for you and friend/s?” I’m not an amazing cook and I have one child who has ASD and ARFID so barely eats so it’s tricky then to have to faff around making veggie/vegan/lactose free/nut free/gluten free etc.

If the food is there, as long as it’s not the only food that DS will eat, I don’t mind them using it. I’d make sure to tell them if I needed something keeping back.

Your dd could have said “my friends are just going to make some lunch” and you could have told them about not using bagels but I guess you can make them pop to the shop to get more.

nokidshere · 01/07/2018 15:26

The girls weren't cheeky if your daughter told them they could make something to eat. Telling your daughter off in front of them was unnecessarily cruel, she must have felt it was ok for her to tell them to make food in the first place.

My two always have hoards of friends round and they are always ravenous, and to be honest, with two of my own hungry teens I generally keep a load of cheap snacks anyway. But if there is something I don't want them to eat then I say so quietly before (or as) the friends arrive.

Cleanermaidcook · 01/07/2018 15:26

Cross post op, just requests that she checks with you first in future. Your Dd too them to get food I don't think they were rude in this circumstance

unicorn56 · 01/07/2018 15:27

If your dd said it was okay it wasn't their fault. Not being able to help yourself to water though is odd, if a friend expected me to make her every glass of water whilst at my house, I'd feel like her servant! I think in the case of water it's very rude to refuse to get it yourself!
If you really can't afford to have your dd friends eat lunch round yours, you need to make sure your dd knows not to invite them over around lunch time (so they can either come really early and leave at 11pm, or come after 3pm). When I was younger I once went to a friends house where I wasn't allowed any food which would have been fair enough if it weren't for the fact she wanted me round 10am to 6pm!!!

soulrider · 01/07/2018 15:27

Even now as an adult, if I was just visiting someone's house (i.e. not an extended stay) I'd always ask if I was ok to get a glass of water.

I'd never ask for food unless offered, always thought it was one of those things - rude not to offer but just as rude to ask if not offered.

OliviaStabler · 01/07/2018 15:28

We are a working family of four on a low income. I could buy more but I do have to budget and cant afford to have an open fridge.

Then your dd is either clearly not aware of this, does not fully understand the implications of a limited food budget or is embarrassed at the fact you have little disposable income and could not tell these friends no.

You should be angry at her now you have explained the budget was tight but it is not the friends fault, as you have acknowledged.

Celebelly · 01/07/2018 15:29

One of the loveliest things about my mum I remember as a child/teenager is how welcoming she was to my friends. If a friend was over when she got home from work, they would be invited for dinner with no hesitation, and she always told them/us to help themselves. I'm 32 and I still think of it now.

Was it really worth embarrassing your daughter in front of her new friends over a few quids worth of bagels, ham and cheese?