To be cross that dd has just told her friends to come down and make food.

[PooFlower]

Dd age 14 has two friends in her room waiting for her to get ready.
The two girls have just come down and made cheese and ham bagels for themselves dd and my younger dd who has already eaten a good lunch.

Am I unreasonable to be really cross. I have just told them all off.
I can't afford to buy more bagels, cheese and ham. They were suppost to last until Thursday.
And I think its just so rude.
I would have been a bit cross if dd had made them, but the two girls just coming downstairs and going through the fridge and cupboard has shocked me. Is this usual behaviour these days?
They are fairly new friends too. I could understand with a very close friend we have known years but this isn't the case
Dd seems to think they have done nothing wrong.

At least you are taking the criticism well OP.
Next time, just buy a few snacks such as biscuits , crisps etc .

I'm the patent who practically forces food on Dd's friends.
Rightly or wrongly teenagers eat a lot
If you can't afford bagels then keep a cheap loaf in your freezer, some value jam and packs of value noodles.

I don't think you should apologise at all. Your daughter should apologise to them and say she hadn't realised that you needed that food.

Are they still there? I would pop my head round the door and say "Sorry I shouted, I think the heat is getting to me!" and laugh.

Then you become funny mum rather than crazy bagel lady

You need to be much more open with your DD about how limited your means are, and how as a family that means you don't get to host food for friends.

It may well be more common now that people just get food, that's because food is so much cheaper than 30-40 years ago, so most people can afford to give some snacks and lunch to their friends, whereas maybe longer ago everyone knew it was a more expensive thing.

Her friends did nothing wrong, your DD might've done something wrong depending on how open you are about food, but your DD offered, all you've done is made it clear to your DD's friends that you believe she's just a little kid.

I think you need to re-plan your food budget you’re getting this stressed over your dd’s friends helping themselves. You will also destroy your relationship with your kids. I’m being serious. You will totally be the parent non grata when they both realises it’s easier to go to friends’ houses than deal with their own shouty one.

If you can’t afford bagels then get bread. If you can’t afford wafer thin ham then stop getting it. I grew up in a poor household too, and we managed by cooking a lot from scratch and going without luxuries but the best part of my childhood was that my gran, despite our issues, welcomed our friends with open arms. They never left without a meal even if it meant that she or mum went without.

I think the friends were rude to make themselves small meal rather than a slice of toast or other inexpensive snack.

I've had this with DD's friend stealing my chocolate from the fridge and DD then copying. The DC have their own stuff for puddings, but don't touch mine! We're also short of money.

It’s done now, so no point worrying - why not in future have some snacky bits in, crisps, biscuits, frozen pizza etc that the kids can help themselves to without blowing your meal plans for the week?

for your update, sounds like a good plan!

I think it was a bit rude. But then if we had guests and they were hungry and my dd had said no you cant have anything... i think that is rude. My opinion is. Ask first. And the host should provide a reasonable meal/snack/food item.

I think the friends were rude tbh

Never in a million years would I just help myself to effectively another lunch at someone's house without asking first.

Cheese can be expensive and easily more earmarked for a meal as opposed to a packet of cookies or ice lollies.

It's not much to as to check first . Extremely entitled behaviour. From all of them.

Even if the dd did tell them to do it they surely have a brain themselves "excuse me X's mum X has asked us to make her a cheese and ham bagel is that ok? "

Never ever just raid the fridge. How bloody rude

The friends just dropped in. Dd had already had lunch.
I think I probably projected my feelings about how lazy dd is at the moment.
If she had asked I would have made them the bagels though. So I definately have some issues about them going through the fridge and cupboards.
I will try and lighten up.
This teenage phase is much harder than the younger years. I feel like a fish out of water.
They have all gone out now so will have to sort it later.

I agree with happypoobum entirely.
I have a different view and am happy for our friends and children’s friends to help themselves as long as they offer to serve everyone. I can’t Imagine being upset about a couple of sandwiches and would think it perfectly normal. I have shouted at drunken young men making fried egg rolls and coffee at 4am but more about the disturbance than the food.

If money really is that tight you should have forewarned your daughter about offering food and made it clear what they can and can’t eat or drink. You might want to rethink bagels for a loaf of bread too. If it’s about them going through your fridge, you could have offered to make something. I think it’s always a good idea to line stomachs before youngsters go out for the night.

I’m going against the trend here. I don’t think YWBU, I wouldn’t dream of just going and helping myself in someone else’s house. The fact that they had ‘permission’ from DD means nothing - it isn’t hers to give. I suspect, remembering what it’s like as a kid, she’s said to them to make the bagels thinking “Mum won’t shout at me in front of guests.”

Perhaps it’s a generational thing - I remember at my house and friends houses we always had to ask, rather than just take stuff, not toast or cereal but definitely if we’d wanted a bagel or crisp/biscuits/chocolate. In fact, me and an ex used to laugh about it; parents would go shopping and everything would be for a particular day/time and to be eaten/drank no earlier/later!

'' or even a casual "sorry girls you'll have to pop those bits back in the fridge, I'm not planning to do another shop until Thursday".

Don't be that parent who makes her friends feel unwelcome.''

And that latter advise is still unwelcoming and still not appropriate, unless guests are totally unacceptable then try to make them at ease in your house. If there is a problem with budget then explain that to your daughter and the rules.

So I definately have some issues about them going through the fridge and cupboards
I will try and lighten up.

It’s perfectly normal to not want non family members rummaging through your fridge and cupboards. I think their behaviour was outrageous.

The problem is your lazy entitled daughter. The other people is you text her to come down and she ignored you. You text her?? Wtf?? Possibly why she's lazy and why she ignored you if that's how you communicate in your house.

If you can’t afford bagels then get bread. If you can’t afford wafer thin ham then stop getting it

But the OP could afford the bagels and ham - just - in a meal plan for the week to feed her family. If she'd known that she was going to provide an impromptu snack for four people, then yes she might have shopped differently but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

OP it's wonderful to be told by people who aren't you and weren't there what you should or shouldn't have done. You reacted the way you did when the first thought in your mind was 'what are we going to have to eat now'. Take the advice here to have some things available that they can have and say something light to the two girls to blow it over. Then have a serious talk with your DD about finances. Don't tell her off, though you can set out the rules going forward. This too shall pass!

And you're not the worst mother in the world, whatever some people say.

@PooFlower Once you've talked to your DD about what she can and can't offer friends, i'd acknowledge your over-reaction and make amends. Maybe if you have a week where food budget is not quite so tight, you could invite the friends for a meal (something like tacos/fajitas) so they can all dig in and help themselves. I agree that at this age you need to keep your DD and friends close, so they feel comfortable if/when they need to come to you.

How the hell is it unwelcoming to not allow people to trough the fridge between lunchbthey probably just had at home and dinner their parents are cooking? Seriously? A casual drop in is hugely different to a dinner parties nibbles drinks etc are expected. They haven't travelled all day to get there they probably live a shirt bus ride or walk away if they want more than a couple of biscuits sodding go home and get it.

And as for telling the op she should buy bread instead bagels because it's cheaoer to replace when people turn up and eat a weeks worth of lunches in one sitting. Well....

I think their behaviour was outrageous

Whoever posted that....really? That’s your definition of outrageous teen behaviour?!

This teenage phase is much harder than the younger years

I also found it incredibly hard. I sailed through the baby and toddler years, had no idea why friends were complaining. You have to emotionally detach a little bit so that they don't upset you so much. I found the teenagers board here very useful, especially Maryz.

I decided to look on it as natures way of preparing me for teenagers moving on and moving out.

Personally I think you WILL be mad bagel lady as you’ve embarrassed yourself, your daughter and her friends. I don’t think an apology now will cut it. Ah well.
Maybe you could invite them round for supper one evening and make amends?

If your DD told them it was okay, I don't think friends of hers would assume otherwise.

Is it a case of not being able to afford to replace the food? If so, is it possible your DD knew they were hungry, but was embarrassed to explain? If that's the case, then YWNBU but I daresay you embarrassed her more

If you just don't want them rifling through your cupboards, annoying, yes but YWBU to tell them off. You should have said something to your DD afterwards.