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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that dd has just told her friends to come down and make food.

302 replies

PooFlower · 01/07/2018 14:47

Dd age 14 has two friends in her room waiting for her to get ready.
The two girls have just come down and made cheese and ham bagels for themselves dd and my younger dd who has already eaten a good lunch.

Am I unreasonable to be really cross. I have just told them all off.
I can't afford to buy more bagels, cheese and ham. They were suppost to last until Thursday.
And I think its just so rude.
I would have been a bit cross if dd had made them, but the two girls just coming downstairs and going through the fridge and cupboard has shocked me. Is this usual behaviour these days?
They are fairly new friends too. I could understand with a very close friend we have known years but this isn't the case
Dd seems to think they have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 01/07/2018 15:29

I'd never ask for food unless offered, always thought it was one of those things - rude not to offer but just as rude to ask if not offered.

But it was offered. By the daughter who also got them to make it because she couldn't be bothered

BackforGood · 01/07/2018 15:31

YABVU.
They were hosted by your dd. dd asked them to sort out the food whilst she was getting ready or whatever. They - like all friends of my dc, mucked in to get the job done. Totally normal behaviour.

The issue of your dd knowing the food was there to last the week and she isn't allowed to eat outside those budgeted times is a different one that you should have taken up with her privately. You've been incredibly rude to let the other girls feel uncomfortable when they were just doing what dd - their host was asking them too. They weren't to know food was rationed in your house. That is between you and dd.

Lethaldrizzle · 01/07/2018 15:32

It's not really the done thing to help oneself to food at the in-laws house which I find frustrating and a bit awkward. But i do sneak stuff when they're not around!

HollowTalk · 01/07/2018 15:32

I think some people here have never been short of money and really can't understand what it's like to have enough food in for the week and not enough money to replace it.

PumpkinPiloter · 01/07/2018 15:32

YABVU. You can replace the bagels with a loaf of bread for 50p and some cheese for £1.50 Problem solved and no need to make your daughter and her friends so uncomfortable. I grew up in a single parent family that was very low income. But guests always were offered something to eat if they were hungry.

areyoubeingserviced · 01/07/2018 15:32

My mother was a single parent and we didn’t live in a fantastic home, but one thing I admire about her, that she was and still is a wonderful host.
She would be mortified at the thought that someone would leave her home hungry

Arum51 · 01/07/2018 15:33

The friends did nothing wrong. Your daughter, their host, told them to help themselves, and they did. This is, in my personal experience anyway, perfectly normal. Yes, it's incredibly annoying to open the fridge and see an entire block of cheese had magically disappeared, particularly when you'd earmarked it for something specific. But teens don't see themselves as being at "PooFlower's house", they see themselves as being at "[name of DD]'s house", so when she tells them something is okay, they have no reason to question it. I ended up going with a PP's suggestion, and created a 'snack cupboard'. Cheap crap anyone could help themselves to. If they wanted anything more substantial, DDs needed to check with me first.

You alsso now have the problem of being the horribly embarrassing, mental, un-chilled, blah blah, mother. You'll need to do something about that, quick, or people will stop coming round (and your daughter won't want them to). Maybe apologise? Oh, the heat, and soooo I'm Mrs Hormonal today! type of thing?

doorframe32 · 01/07/2018 15:34

''Please don't be that parent.

My parents were really unwelcoming to friends and it made life as a teen much more difficult.''

THIS. My parents were the same as were my siblings and I recall my bitch sister doing the exact same thing to me as the op years ago, I opened a bottle of vodka and she came in in front of my friends and gave out stink to them totally humiliating me when it had nothing to do with them. This was just 1 experience like that and you can be sure stories like that be told outside the house and embarrass the family moreso. Eventually I just learnt never to bring guests to the house as they were too nutty a family and even today years on I still strongly resent them and it has damaged relationships greatly, if there is a problem like that then it is your daughter's fault as she gave permission and you say it to her discreetly after-do not air your dirty laundry in public.

Runninglateeveryday · 01/07/2018 15:34

So were you planning that they didn't eat at all?

Yabu I'm afraid teenagers are always hungry, if DD has friends here I hide anything I need but provide food for them. I get that your budgets tight but if you have guests you generally feed them.

chilly32045 · 01/07/2018 15:34

Just make sure you have pizzas in the freezer or something you can make them.

If it were me and it was lunch time i would have offered to make them something. It's always nice to be a good host IMO. Then you can also control what is available to them.

I would never want to be that mum that makes my daughter and her friends uncomfortable.

Celebelly · 01/07/2018 15:35

I think some people here have never been short of money and really can't understand what it's like to have enough food in for the week and not enough money to replace it.

But that's not the fault of the friends. How are they supposed to know? If things are that dire, then the OP needs to speak to her daughter honestly about it and tell her before her friends come over. But teenagers are always hungry so if they're going to be over for a few hours, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect they will want some food.

lozster · 01/07/2018 15:35

I think you can still make them welcome without giving free reign on the food. I am set to be uncool mum too. I work and can’t get to a shop other than on a Saturday morning. I also meal plan to save money and minimise waste. If that happened in my house I too would be without lunch for the week as I don’t buy excess food to avoid fresh stuff going off. Maybe instigate a cookie jar or something and limit help No yourself to that and a drink? It’s not up to you to provide full meals for an additional people.

MrsGrindah · 01/07/2018 15:35

HollowNobody is criticising the OP for having to run a tight food budget. People are just saying she handled the situation badly and has actually come across as rude.

happypoobum · 01/07/2018 15:35

YABU

Your DD told them to go and make food. It's not unreasonable for them to assume this was OK. Do you think your DC never eat at their friends houses? Is this how you want things to be?

I just don't understand why the main issue to you is that they went through your fridge. Do you have OCD issues that cause anxiety? I don't mean that nastily, I have anxiety myself.

I agree with PP, if the budget is tight then you need to explain to DD alone that she can't offer food to friends. I do think it would be really embarrassing for her though if a mate is over and says they are hungry and she has to say well you had better go home then, as you cannot eat our food. Sad

soulrider · 01/07/2018 15:36

But teens don't see themselves as being at "PooFlower's house", they see themselves as being at "[name of DD]'s house", so when she tells them something is okay, they have no reason to question it.

I think that's probably a generational change, as a teenager I would have always checked with a friend's parents and vice versa. But I guess food was relatively more expensive then and snacking less common so i and most of my friend's wouldn't have had free reign on food even in our own houses.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 01/07/2018 15:36

Oh dear, and my teens think I'm embarrassing Grin

TacoLover · 01/07/2018 15:36

Your poor DD she must've been mortifiedBlush

soulrider · 01/07/2018 15:37

But teenagers are always hungry so if they're going to be over for a few hours, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect they will want some food.

I wonder if this is why there's such an obesity problem, even teenagers should be able to survive without food for a few hours outside of meal times.

SugarIsAmazing · 01/07/2018 15:39

At least it was just bagels - all my teenage kids' friends rock up on Friday when we have takeaway Grin

Aridane · 01/07/2018 15:39

Shame on you

Original poster
PooFlower · 01/07/2018 15:40

Thanks for the comments. On reflection I can see that I overeacted.
I think I was just so shocked.
Dds friends will be ok with her, they are not 'new' friends, one she has known since primary but has only just started hanging out with dd and the other is newish but they are very close.
I will have a word with dd later about checking its ok first. And apologise to the friends when I see them.
So I guess I will now be known as crazy bagel ladyBlush

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 01/07/2018 15:40

The other girls did nothing wrong and are not rude , despite how many times you want to write that they are , your daughter told them to help themselves presumably and that’s what they did - nothing wrong with that . You need to tell your children that they are not allowed to help themselves to food if that’s your rules / requirements . I feel sorry for your daughter she must be really embarrassed at your behaviour .

lozster · 01/07/2018 15:41

Sounds like a spontaneous drop in rather than an invitation to come over during lunch. No obligation to feed them at all OP.
A drink and a small snack would be nice if you chose to. A sandwich with two fillings Grin is a meal. It doesn’t sound like they were invited to lunch.

Aridane · 01/07/2018 15:42

Aw, Poo - I was very critical a bit earlier - but well done for going to apologies when you next see them

soulrider · 01/07/2018 15:42

Being embarrassed by your parents is a right of passage surely Smile

I think there's a fair amount of catrastrophising going on here. Yes, maybe you could have handled it better but talk about them never returning again is overly dramatic.