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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that dd has just told her friends to come down and make food.

302 replies

PooFlower · 01/07/2018 14:47

Dd age 14 has two friends in her room waiting for her to get ready.
The two girls have just come down and made cheese and ham bagels for themselves dd and my younger dd who has already eaten a good lunch.

Am I unreasonable to be really cross. I have just told them all off.
I can't afford to buy more bagels, cheese and ham. They were suppost to last until Thursday.
And I think its just so rude.
I would have been a bit cross if dd had made them, but the two girls just coming downstairs and going through the fridge and cupboard has shocked me. Is this usual behaviour these days?
They are fairly new friends too. I could understand with a very close friend we have known years but this isn't the case
Dd seems to think they have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
user1457017537 · 03/07/2018 07:23

This is such an British thing to be mean with food and not feed guests. Any other culture would be embarrassed not to offer hospitality to guests and share food however impoverished. The girls were in your home of course you should give them a beigel.

glintandglide · 03/07/2018 07:47

^^ totally agree user

Lovelybitofterf · 03/07/2018 07:51

*Reading the comments here from parents I can see why children think it is okay to rummage through people’s cupboards and help themselves without asking permission - they were raised with no manners by these very same parents. The 'gimme gimme gimme' generation.

The girls were there waiting for the OP’s daughter to get ready, they were not overnight guests going hungry.*

This and also this:

not permission from a child, a child doesn’t run the household

This was not a situation whereby kids had been invited round with the expectation of a meal or being fed.

I’d not want my DD mixing with such ill-mannered entitled children and if their parents complained that their little darlings were told off for raising an adult’s fridge or larder, I’d tell them that they ought to have either fed their child themselves so they weren’t hungry and also that they ought to have brought them up with more respect.

I think a lot of this is about the fact that some people don’t like other adults telling off their children and virtue-signalling their own magnanimity and generosity.

Lovelybitofterf · 03/07/2018 07:57

User another one who has no idea about what it is to be seriously short of money.

The OP is not “mean with food” she just hasn’t got enough money to squander on teenage girls whom she doesn’t know and fancy a little snack. Why should her family go short? Hmm

rosesandflowers1 · 03/07/2018 08:41

I'm confused by some of these comments.

My DC can help themselves to food, bar one cupboard where I keep everything off limits. They know these rules; why would they change because friends were round? If their guests were hungry they'd take them down to the kitchen and see what they wanted and say something like "but nothing from that cupboard, it's where Mum keeps the stuff she doesn't want us to snack on without asking."

I also wouldn't send my own children, or anybody else's, out of the house hungry before they went out together (unless they were going for lunch.) What if they were going to do something active? Especially in this hot weather.

It wouldn't occur to a lot of teens to try and track down the adult, especially in teen years when the parents are less involved in the actual hosting. I daresay my DC would think that their friend knew the rules of their own house if told they could take food. It strikes me that DD would be the only child to check with the parent after she's been told it was okay, because she has anxiety.

Yes, your DD was out of order but why would her friends presume she was flouting rules? It might seem odd to many that bagels are outlawed, especially if they've been directly told it's okay. Maybe have a discussion with her about rules when guests come.

chicazteca · 03/07/2018 09:07

Ha! I've been on the other side of this situation before, my mum went mental when I had my friends around and I gave them all the chicken Milanese that she had cooked Blush Back then, I thought she was making a storm in a glass of water; it wasn't until I started doing my own cooking that I remembered that episode and thought: "Poor Mum!" YANBU. But perhaps I' have spoken to my daughter once her friends had left to avoid humiliating her in front of her friends, and to not make her friends feel unwelcome. That's what my mum did with me. Smile

dorisdog · 03/07/2018 09:08

I can totally understand how food budgets can be very tight. I think you should have had a quiet word with your DD though, and not embarrassed her in front of her friends. It's not that odd or rude for teenagers to make some basic food for themselves, imo, unless you have specific house rules about it. Especially because teens often go through very hungry phases.

Leapfrog44 · 03/07/2018 11:33

The girls are not at fault, it's your daughter!! If someone says go ahead and make yourself some food - you assume they mean it??

3WildOnes · 03/07/2018 14:25

If money is tight I would buy some yellow sticker bread for 10p to stick in the freezer. Then your dd can offer her friends toast when they come over.

rosesandflowers1 · 03/07/2018 14:38

Exactly, @Hiphopfrog - how many people would presume that their friend was lying about the house rules and the bagels and ham/cheese would incite extreme anger from their mother?

It's fair enough to be cross with your DD if she knows that money's tight and she's not supposed to help herself, but why would the friends think otherwise?

ToastyFingers · 03/07/2018 14:43

Your shopping budget must be very, very tight or not very well allocated. I spent about 45-55 a week on a family of 4, which includes packed lunches for two and even I could afford to spare a few sandwiches/bagels/whatever.

I'm glad you've seen YABU op, being a teenager is really hard. My mum would often rant at my friends for stuff like this. Some things were fine one day, and punishable the next. The friends I managed to keep felt really sorry for me, and eventually stopped coming round so we'd have to meet elsewhere.

parentin · 03/07/2018 15:00

You should have waited till they had gone. This is normal behaviour, so if you knew her friends were coming maybe a quick word before they arrived. Maybe buy a few items for when her friends visit your happy for them to help themselves to those.
Sorry to say you was the rude and impatient one. Could you imagine your dauggters embarrassment, and future embarrassment if it goes round school her mum can't afford a bag of bagels. The kids have done nothing wrong and shame on yourself for making them feel as if they did. They were hungry, normal for them to make snakes, plus they made snakes for everyone with your daughters permission. Your reaction was due to your lack of funds not due to the kids doing anything wrong.

Leapfrog44 · 03/07/2018 15:05

@PooFlower I'm amazed by how many people think you should be cross with the girls. It was your daughter who gave them permission and is the one at fault! Teenagers can't really be expected to interpret the invitation to make food as anything other than genuine. If they have been told it's OK by someone who lives in the house why should they think otherwise?

Have a chat with your daughter about why it made you cross and make sure she understands the rules on feeding friends.

RiddleyW · 03/07/2018 17:47

They were hungry, normal for them to make snakes, plus they made snakes for everyone with your daughters permission

Tbf I’d be furious if teens made snakes in my house.

clarkl2 · 03/07/2018 18:59

Of course its rude. You wouldn't go into their parents houses and help yourself to wine or make a picnic! My own children ask before they have anything out of the cupboards at home! No wonder so many kids are fat if they help themselves to food constantly!

MaybeDoctor · 03/07/2018 20:45

'Teens are always hungry' - this must be a recent phenomenon because I remember being a teenage girl and eating a fairly normal amount, plus a couple of chocolate bars when I went to the shops.

I spent hours at friends houses, but don't remember being offered much more than a cup of squash/juice/hot drink and a biscuit or two. If food was ever freely available, yes I would gorge on it. When it wasn't, well I wouldn't think about it.

Funnily enough, we were all as thin as sticks.

I don't think the OP should start buying a load of junk food just to keep visiting teens happy. If it is there, it will get eaten and that will be an extra £5 - 10 or so on her weekly food budget.

I think that teens understand that different houses have different rules and the OP has already confirmed that the friends were not traumatised by this experience. My parents were as difficult and strict as you could get, but my friends still cared for me and tolerated this because, well, duh, they were my friends. Hmm

Davespecifico · 03/07/2018 20:52

I think some people are confused. The post isn’t about hospitality. I’m sure the OP is perfectly hospitable.
I really can’t believe any of you would have gone and made food without asking the adults first, unless you already knew that that was acceptable.
If these friends had said to OP, “your daughter has said we can make some food, is that ok?” OP would have given a hospitable response.

Davespecifico · 03/07/2018 20:59

e.g. “Right ok. You are welcome to have .... but I’d rather you didn’t have ...”

rosesandflowers1 · 04/07/2018 07:06

If these friends had said to OP, “your daughter has said we can make some food, is that ok?” OP would have given a hospitable response.

But this was what I was saying before - why would her friends assume that she was lying, or ignoring house rules?

Beaverhausen · 04/07/2018 07:10

Sorry But no would not want to be the type of parent who would want to make a child feel unwelcome in my house.

Personally I think you were bein rude to those poor girls and embarrassed your daughter.

Bluelonerose · 04/07/2018 07:27

My dm would do something like that it's not the food she would be bothered about though it would be that we had made a mess. I would then have to wash, dry put away sweep, mop and vacuum (My dm is VERY tidy) even then I wouldn't be doing that right.

I never brought my friends home because of how she humiliated me in front on them constantly. I never felt comfortable in my own home growing up. It's a horrible feeling. Even now my anxiety goes through the roof if anyone comes over almost like a pp said I don't know how to behave.

Davespecifico · 04/07/2018 12:37

I agree with you OP.. I’m sure you’d have offered them something if they’d asked you.

Davespecifico · 04/07/2018 12:38

Btw, how did they respond when you told them off?

grwm1 · 04/07/2018 13:56

Even if the friends had your DDs permission I would still expect them to ask you, and say that your Dd had said it was OK.
Then, in private, i might have had a word with DD about "eating us out of house and home"!1

doorframe32 · 08/07/2018 13:55

''I never brought my friends home because of how she humiliated me in front on them constantly. I never felt comfortable in my own home growing up. It's a horrible feeling.''

Same even in my late 20s my mum would make rules over who I could bring back to the house, in the end it greatly damaged our relationship and I could never bring friends to the house without her or family members humiliating me. The thought of ever moving back in with my mother and family would kill me. 600 miles is not far enough away.