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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you do in the face of blatant defiance?

191 replies

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 11:50

I am posting as a step mum so please don’t flame me!!

I have never had this with my own kids.

DSD1 is 13 and this weekend has been a bit hellish.

She is just blatantly rufusing to do things. For example we were at the beach and she refused to sit on the blanket so was covered in sand. We all washed our feet off at the tap and she point blank refused.

DH then made her put her feet in a bag on the way home, he was going to not do that and just get her to vacuum the sand from his car but he thinks she would have refused to do that too.

He took her phone from her (we pay for it so we feel this is ok) and then she was messaging her Mum from her sisters phone who was colluding with the girls telling them they should make an excuse to be dropped Home early today.

Several more times in the evening she refused to do as asked. I had a chat with her and asked her if everything was ok, she wanted to be here etc and she opened up to me a bit but there was nothing she disliked about being here.

We are running out of ideas of how to deal with this? What do others do? Confused

OP posts:
CardsforKittens · 01/07/2018 12:25

Boundary pushing is pretty common in kids of all ages! I think the best way to respond is to stay as calm as possible, set clear boundaries about following instructions, follow through with reasonable consequences, present a united front, and say thank you every time they do what you ask, even if you had to ask them 12 times.

Easier said than done of course, especially when you're a step parent. But if you manage to stay calm it's usually possible to do the rest.

Lethaldrizzle · 01/07/2018 12:28

Choose your battles. Why make such a fuss about a bit of sand.

Bezm · 01/07/2018 12:28

She's 13. She'll change when she's 18 😂

missyB1 · 01/07/2018 12:32

Well I’m all for dealing with defiance, but this was all over a bit of sand?! Why couldn’t she sit on the sand? And when you go to the beach you expect a bit of sand in the car surely??

SendintheArdwolves · 01/07/2018 12:39

It sounds like you're doing the right thing OP - talking to her and listening to her talk.

My guess is that it's a combination of:

Normal teen stuff. I don't like it when people dismiss young people's emotions as "just hormones" or "teens being dramatic" but it is a very challenging time for a lot of people. Suddenly your body is rushing around with new chemicals that are changing your body and altering the very structure of your brain, plus school stress, social pressures - teens have a lot on their plate and they generally need more understanding than toddlers, not less.

Reading between the lines, I think maybe you DSD has a bit of conflict coming from her mother - that her mum was so keen to come and pick her up makes me wonder if the DSD is "expected" to be difficult with you and her father to please her mother. She probably really likes spending time with her dad and you but then feels as though she is being disloyal, and this conflict errupts as inexplicable childish behaviour.

Keep doing what you're doing - clear boundaries (kids like clear rules, they make them feel secure) natural consequences (if you get sand in the car, you have to hoover it out, etc) and keep talking to her about how she is feeling.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 12:40

It’s not about the sand it’s about her constantly refusing to do as she is asked and actually car sabdvis a pita esp if you have just cleaned your car - after all she isn’t going to clean it is she?

OP posts:
Fenwickdream · 01/07/2018 12:41

It’s not blatant defiance it’s blatant controlling behaviour by you. She’s 13 and you’re telling her where she can sit and what to do all the time. How would you feel if someone was bossing you around telling you how you should do everything. Pick your battles. Allow her to make her own choices. If you weren’t constantly on at her she would listen at the times it mattered. For example if you hadn’t nagged her and bossed her around all day at the beach you could of said “so and so can you wash your feet off coz you know what I’m/ Dads like about keeping the car clean, the sand will drive me mad” - she’d of probably just done it then.

Lethaldrizzle · 01/07/2018 12:43

It's just sand. Let her sit on it. It's just a car, let it get a bit 'dirty' - I love sand

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 12:43

It’s also a 5 hour round trip to get them home. Her mum was going to meet us halfway (1st time she has agreed to do this in 9 years and because we wouldn’t drop them at the meeting place first thing in the morning shes now refusing but that’s a whole other thrwas

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 01/07/2018 12:47

Sounds like she's a bit unhappy

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 13:03

My kids are all grown up and I do get the whole teenage thing.

She didn’t want to go to the beach she wanted to sit inside on her phone. She didn’t want to take her swimsuit. She covered herself in sand I mean in her hair everything and I asked her nicely not to do that as we had a long journey tomorrow and we don’t want sand all over the car (I think it’s ok to not want sand in your car!).

OP posts:
LolaLilo · 01/07/2018 13:15

Nah it's sand. If you don't want sand in your car don't go to the beach, or hover it next day.

It a big deal to most people surely?

LolaLilo · 01/07/2018 13:16

Not a big deal

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 13:18

It’s not about the sand it’s about the refusal to do as requested.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 01/07/2018 13:18

In the nicest possible way, you went to the beach, there will be sand in the car. You need to pick your battles better. If you're not telling her off over minor things, she'll probably be more responsive to the major things.

ProudThrilledHappy · 01/07/2018 13:19

You are micromanaging her so she is defiant.
Pick your battles

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 13:22

We live near the beach - rule is you wash your feet before you get into the car. End of - for all children - forever.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 01/07/2018 13:28

So don't take her to the beach then - you said she didn't want to go

jellyfrizz · 01/07/2018 13:29

I just say ok, next time you ask me to do something for you I won’t do it.

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 13:31

She didn't refuse to travel with her feet in a bag though?! She was made to do that?! I wouldn't like to do that, especially on a hot day.

Sounds like normal teenage behaviour to me. At the moment it is possibly worse and seems worse to you because of the heat. People get more irritating and irritable.

I quite like sandy feet and sand in the car. It reminds me of time spent on the beach. I'm reluctant to vacuum it out let alone get one of my teen DCs to.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 13:31

Other people wanted to go.

OP posts:
DaffoDeffo · 01/07/2018 13:35

she's doing it to piss you off and it's working! Therefore she'll keep doing it!

DaffoDeffo · 01/07/2018 13:36

you're not actually listening to what people are saying and they are right. You are trying to micromanage her and she doesn't like it. You really need to pick your battles better.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 01/07/2018 13:36

Surely happy families have sandy cars?

Secretsquirrel252 · 01/07/2018 13:39

'Blatant defiance' Hmm

She didn't want to go to the beach. Blatant defiance would have been refusing to leave the house.

She didn't want to wear a swimming costume - I really hope you didn't force a 13 year old to wear one.

She didn't want to sit on a blanket Shock

She wouldn't wash her feet but sat with them in a bag instead.

You sound like a drama lama.