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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you do in the face of blatant defiance?

191 replies

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 11:50

I am posting as a step mum so please don’t flame me!!

I have never had this with my own kids.

DSD1 is 13 and this weekend has been a bit hellish.

She is just blatantly rufusing to do things. For example we were at the beach and she refused to sit on the blanket so was covered in sand. We all washed our feet off at the tap and she point blank refused.

DH then made her put her feet in a bag on the way home, he was going to not do that and just get her to vacuum the sand from his car but he thinks she would have refused to do that too.

He took her phone from her (we pay for it so we feel this is ok) and then she was messaging her Mum from her sisters phone who was colluding with the girls telling them they should make an excuse to be dropped Home early today.

Several more times in the evening she refused to do as asked. I had a chat with her and asked her if everything was ok, she wanted to be here etc and she opened up to me a bit but there was nothing she disliked about being here.

We are running out of ideas of how to deal with this? What do others do? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 13:40

This isn’t about whether people like sand in their cars or not. It’s about refusing to do as requested.

OP posts:
cantkeepawayforever · 01/07/2018 13:40

You sound like someone who has very definite 'rules', which your own children had been brought up with and didn't particularly rebel against - and thus you have always thought they were 'reasonable'.

However, you have a new situation with a different child. Especially if you have no children of your own at home any more, it is possible to unmake these rules, to be more flexible, to not sweat the small stuff so much.

She did come to the beach with you, which is the 'major' thing. She got sandy, and rather than letting her live with the 'natural' consequence of this - being gritty and sandy and uncomfortable in the car and perhaps realising that covering herself in sand wasn't a great plan - you created a big fuss about an 'artificial' consequence - that she broke 'your rules' about getting back into the car with sandy feet.

If you or her dad then needed to hoover out the car, then she would experience a 'natural consequence' - a late meal, no-one around to be with her, a delayed journey elsewhere, or just you being rather hot and grumpy. Creating an 'artificial consequence' - of having to sit with her feet in a bag - adds humiliation to a petty rule, and is much more likely to breed resentment than a 'maybe I won't do that next time' thought.

Juells · 01/07/2018 13:41

I'd probably have allowed her to sit in sand for the whole journey, and vacuumed up the sand afterwards.

It sounds like you have a really good relationship with her, if you were able to chat to her about it.

I've never had SC but honestly don't know why a bit of sand is being made into 'blatant defiance'.

ProudThrilledHappy · 01/07/2018 13:41

Its about her refusing to do what you demand

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 13:43

There was a stand off between her and her father and she refused to wash her feet. It wasn’t me making the request. And I still have children at home.

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 01/07/2018 13:44

To be honest after reading your responses to everyone’s comments it says a huge deal about you.
I want to be defiant just to try and make you see and listen to another persons view point.
You’re refusing to do this, you’ve asked for advice. Please listen to people.
Honestly you sound like bloody hard work to be around!

cantkeepawayforever · 01/07/2018 13:44

Before you punish someone for not doing as you requested, you do need to ask yourself whether your request was reasonable and proportionate and worth bothering about (in the difficult context of a blended family in particular).

Requesting less, and only requesting important things - yes, you have to come to the beach, ignore everything else - and it is then WORTH imposing penalties for not obeying the request. Otherwise it's just petty niggling.

Juells · 01/07/2018 13:45

I must admit the plastic bags on her feet made me laugh. I can't even imagine making a child do that, and thinking it was reasonable. The fact that she even did it, without throwing a screaming tantrum, shows that she's a nice child who's anything but defiant.

I'm afraid both you and your DH are control freaks. I wouldn't want my child being treated like that.

cantkeepawayforever · 01/07/2018 13:46

I would agree with Lulu that you do come across as extremely inflexible, both in thinking and action, and tbh this does sound like it contributes to the problem.

TeacupTattoo · 01/07/2018 13:46

I have a 13 year old who thinks she knows best, and I've adult ones too so had it all previously. I would say there is micro-managing still going on...I don't sit on a blanket at the beach myself and teens often don't like sitting close...that bit wasn't such a big deal to compromise but if you have a family rule that feet are washed before car then uphold it, it is actually as simple as that. Or, make her hoover the car, why not? You are the adults, you can get grumpiness from teens, stroppiness, but not outright disobedience as that is disrespectful and they need to know will not be tolerated. All of mine argue the toss but at end of day what I say goes. So...let less important things like where somebody sits go, but follow through with expectations re respect, tidiness etc.

cantkeepawayforever · 01/07/2018 13:47

(I suspect your DH is very inflexible as well OR he feels that he has to support 'your rules' now he is with you, even for his children - whose rule is it about sandy feet in the car, and why?)

Secretsquirrel252 · 01/07/2018 13:47

It's not really a request if only complete obedience is acceptable.

AjasLipstick · 01/07/2018 13:48

Just because other people wanted to go, doesn't mean she had to.

My 13 year old DD never comes to the beach and we don't make her. She HATES the beach.

Why make her?

jade9390 · 01/07/2018 13:53

Normal teenage behavior, nothing to do with you being a step mum, just try to be less bossy. They normally do not want to sit by parents

diddl · 01/07/2018 13:56

Why did she have to go to the beach just because others wanted to?

AdoreAMoose · 01/07/2018 13:57

When I was 13, I'd have:

  • moaned about going to the beach and tried to get out of it because I hate the heat - I burn easily, sun makes me headachey and uncomfortable
  • not worn a swimsuit because of body consciousness
  • hated being told where I could/couldn't sit (my parents didn't micromanage me that much!)
  • not taken my shoes off at all because I thought I had ugly feet. (This they complained about, because I was embarrassed to talk about my feet so just said 'I don't want to' - their reasoning was 'it's the beach, you have to' which just sounded silly to me, so I didn't. Blatant defiance!)

As an adult I don't choose to visit the beach in very hot weather, wear what I like, sit where I like, and if I get sand everywhere I clear it up myself. Reasonable. YABVU to make such a big deal out of small things and micromanage so much. 'If you don't wash your feet, you'll get sand all over the car. Do you mind cleaning it up/helping to clean it when we get back?' would have been a reasonable response.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 14:03

She has come for the weekend to spend time with her father. She is not forced to come.

Her sister wanted to go to the beach, so did DH and I, we have been at work all week and not able to enjoy the weather.

We also wanted to get her out in the fresh air away for her phone and we got something to eat while we were there.

The sand was an example, it had built and built and built with her refusing to have a shower the night before (she had greasy hair and she smelt - this was not pointed out to her but we asked them both to have a shower/wash before bed, she refused. Questioning and arguing about everything and the sand was the final straw.

OP posts:
JennieLee · 01/07/2018 14:04

Just wait till she gets older.

You will be looking forward to the days when it was just about sand.

Of course it is entirely possible you won't be seeing her any more by then.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 14:04

She wasn’t told where to sit she had her own blanket. We were there for two hours at the most and she was not forced to wear a swimsuit (she wore one two weeks ago voluntarily).

OP posts:
Juells · 01/07/2018 14:07

Oooh, just notice the OP's posting name 🤔

rinabean · 01/07/2018 14:09

You can't honestly think she was being truthful when she said she had no problems? You won't hear criticism from adult women who you've asked for advice, she knows you would never have heard criticism from her, so of course she didn't offer any.

"This isn’t about whether people like sand in their cars or not. It’s about refusing to do as requested."

Right. And similarly, it wasn't about wanting to put sand in your car. It was about not wanting to be controlled to the finest degree.

"Questioning and arguing about everything"

She can't question and argue about everything if you don't attempt to control everything she does.

"She has come for the weekend to spend time with her father. She is not forced to come."

This sounds like you think she would choose to have no relationship with her father over this? Why do you think that?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/07/2018 14:10

Can you see you’re hugely dogmatic and firm.rules,end of v inflexible

happypoobum · 01/07/2018 14:11

Completely normal teenage behaviour.

I cannot understand why she had to go to the beach when she stated she didn't want to go. I would have been fuming. How would you feel?

You do sound very rules orientated and like it's your way or the highway.

I have been a step mother to teenage girls. It's hard. But you seem set on making it as hard as possible. Chill out a bit.

JamPasty · 01/07/2018 14:12

OP you're really not hearing people. You are creating her defiance by being inflexible.

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 14:12

But it is about sand because you made it about sand today OP, although I get that you've given just one example.

What I'm really saying is that you need to chill out some, relax your rules a wee bit, save the battles for what really matters.

She's not completely defiant, is she? She went to the beach, she got in the car, she put her feet in a bag, she gave up her phone, she talked with you.

You said you never had this with your own children, and that says a lot. You have to recognise that she's a different person, in a different family set-up. I expect a lot from my DCs and they're great kids, but hitting their teens they started to want to do more things their own way. You'd call it defiance. I'd call it growing up and towards independence. She won't be a child forever, and it's a shame to spoil what's left of her childhood, and whatever time her DF spends with her, with petty battles.

It's good that you're talking with her. Do more of that. None of what I say is because you're a step parent. I have great respect for the many brilliant step parents out there. Pour yourself a G&T, kick back, (maybe leave some sand on your toes next time!), and remember what you were like as a teenager. Flowers

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