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AIBU?

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Original poster

What do you do in the face of blatant defiance?

191 replies

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 11:50

I am posting as a step mum so please don’t flame me!!

I have never had this with my own kids.

DSD1 is 13 and this weekend has been a bit hellish.

She is just blatantly rufusing to do things. For example we were at the beach and she refused to sit on the blanket so was covered in sand. We all washed our feet off at the tap and she point blank refused.

DH then made her put her feet in a bag on the way home, he was going to not do that and just get her to vacuum the sand from his car but he thinks she would have refused to do that too.

He took her phone from her (we pay for it so we feel this is ok) and then she was messaging her Mum from her sisters phone who was colluding with the girls telling them they should make an excuse to be dropped Home early today.

Several more times in the evening she refused to do as asked. I had a chat with her and asked her if everything was ok, she wanted to be here etc and she opened up to me a bit but there was nothing she disliked about being here.

We are running out of ideas of how to deal with this? What do others do? Confused

OP posts:
notacooldad · 01/07/2018 16:37

Do you always do things requested of you?

MN is full of advise telling people that they don't have to do things that they don't want to and that 'no' is a complete sentence.
Yet u demand that she has to do things.
Sure something's are important and her to be done but the trick is, as other people have said, is to pick your battles.
You said she opened up and said there was nothing she disliked about being there. Did you chat more about things? I work with teenagers and we often go to Southport And while some love it others feel self conscious on a beach. ( so we split them up no some might do something else). It is absolutely roasting at their moment but not everyone is a heat seeker and likes sitting in the sun.
I know you said sand isn't the issue but it sounds like she is having ' the last word' and you are rising to it.- pick your battles and hoover the car later. There's going to be many more over the years. Your the adult here.
Sure you and dad need to pull her on the important stuff but give space and each time you think she is being defiant think about the bigger picture about what matters and what isn't so important.
When you are a teenager it can feel like you are having your head pecked all the time by adults. No wonder they rebel a bit.

fluffyrobin · 01/07/2018 16:40

You and your oh sound like you have OCD!

Who in their right mind vacuums the car BEFORE you go to the beach?!

If you live close to the beach why take the car?!

Maybe let her choose what she does in the weekends she is with her dad and let her sister choose the other day?

Honestly if you work in schools and have this lack of empathy over a self harming mixed up 13 year old then lord have mercy.

henpeckedinchief · 01/07/2018 16:45

Pick your battles - does it matter if she gets a bit sandy or doesn't wash her feet? Teenagers are notoriously unreasonable and she will feel she is being picked on if you're picking up on everything - however unjustified that is!

Was taking her phone away a consequence for the sand? If so I would consider that a bit of an extreme punishment.

Other than that it sounds like you are doing the right thing talking to her and keeping communications channels open. For your own sake I wouldn't try and compel her to do things unless the consequences are really worth it.

Juells · 01/07/2018 16:51

I just noticed the bit about the mother 'colluding' with the daughters. If they're not happy being there, why shouldn't they let their mother know, and why shouldn't she tell them to say they want to come home early?

Collusion is a very extreme word to use to describe two daughters communicating with their mother.

Juells · 01/07/2018 16:52

...and how do you know what the mother was telling them? Did you ask to read the messages?

Lethaldrizzle · 01/07/2018 16:54

'IF you live near a beach not having sand in the car seems like standard protocol though' - speak for your self

cantkeepawayforever · 01/07/2018 16:56

Is this OP curtains lady, the one where the SDs have no proper bedroom and are expected to sleep in a second sitting room?

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 01/07/2018 16:57

You seem entirely unable to take criticism on board but expect DSD to blithely accept all your 'suggestions' about where she should sit, how sandy she should get etc. Put yourself in her position how would you feel if someone was constantly nitpicking like that? You say categorically you're not micromanaging but from your own description you clearly are. I wonder if she's also picked up on your animosity towards her mum?

PrizeOik · 01/07/2018 16:59

"blatant defiance" is really strong language to use about sand on feet etc. It's the sort of thing I'd reserve for a kid who is running away, drinking or taking drugs in secret, using abusive language directed at others, destroying property.

Does "blatant defiance" really encapsulate what's in essence a "I don't want to listen to your suggestions" or "I don't want this rule to apply to me" kind of interaction? Are you concerned that the child will grow up not listening to others etc? Being stubborn and obstuse?

If that is the case, can I just point out that throughout this thread @LadyRussell you have been blatantly defiant...

In fact maybe even more blatantly defiant that
Dsd, since you actually asked for advice, dsd didn't

rosesandflowers1 · 01/07/2018 17:00

speak for your self

Confused

Sorry if any offence was caused - I just assumed that if you would be frequently going to a beach, you'd be annoyed at constantly cleaning sand.

We don't go to the beach very often but we all wash our feet a bit before getting into the car. It doesn't take long, and it means nobody has to clean it up.

FASH84 · 01/07/2018 17:18

I live near the beach there's always a bit of sand in the car, doesn't matter. I also remember OPs other posts under different names and this is part of a much bigger picture. It really isn't about sand and there are many reasons that poor young girl is unhappy. A PP described the situation as a clusterfuck, it certainly is from what I recall of post threads.

LunaTrap · 01/07/2018 17:34

OP is the whose husband is in the forces, on a submarine (?) for months at a time with kids at various ends of the country who was patchy with contact with his eldest son during his childhood so his son now isn't bothered about seeing him which OP was complaining about on a thread last week.

Juells · 01/07/2018 17:42

Blimey, how do you know it's the same poster? I'd never be able to tell Confused

rosesandflowers1 · 01/07/2018 17:44

@Juells, same with me. I think I don't pay enough attention to the usernames!

I'd no idea the poster had posted before.

WhiteCat1704 · 01/07/2018 17:49

Totally normal to expect clean feet in the car..
She is 13 not 2...Good for you OP for taking the phone..another one would be to make her take the bus back, with her father if it's a hard journey. And don't take het to a beach next time unless she is willing to behave..

Caribbeanyesplease · 01/07/2018 17:50

I am totally with you.

All this “totally normal behaviour”

Perhaps for you. But some teens respect their parents. Yes arguments and disagreements but ultimately they respect and would not defy like this.

The OP has a reasonable expectation of reasonable behaviour. So many posters seem to think that being a teenager is an excuse for rude defiant behaviour

It isn’t.

LunaTrap · 01/07/2018 17:52

Because I posted quite a bit on her other thread so remembered her name.

megletthesecond · 01/07/2018 17:54

sand?!
Normal behaviour IMO.
You've led a sheltered parenting life if you've been able to carry on fussing about things like that.

Arum51 · 01/07/2018 18:18

@aswellihavehayfever So the OP has form for this?

Rachie1973 · 01/07/2018 18:23

LunaTrap
Because I posted quite a bit on her other thread so remembered her name.

Yes!! And the DD with the phone

rosesandflowers1 · 01/07/2018 18:23

Why is everyone so focused on the sand?

Yes, it's a small thing, but it's also a small thing to prevent. The girl just had to dip her feet in the sea and then put on her flip flops afterwards!

I'm aware that I'm missing some background, but I think what OP is trying to say is she's refusing to do very simple things, just to create more work for others. I wouldn't be happy with my DC doing so either.

Juells · 01/07/2018 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 18:57

Caribbean - There is no lack of respect from my DCs for me or others. I get lots of lovely things said about them from friends, neighbours, school and so on.

What I'm saying is that I try not to sweat the small stuff with them. I recognise it's a time of great change and it's often not easy for them. They want to have more of a say in things too. This all helps to prepare them for greater independence and adulthood.

They are good citizens. I don't want, need or expect total obedience. I don't have all the answers, and I'm making it up as I go along, but they need to work out what to do about their own sand in future.

This is perhaps a troubled DSD. IME, personal and professional, she doesn't need to be micro-managed and labelled as defiant. She needs some guidance yes, but also understanding, and most importantly some love.

Sreberko · 01/07/2018 19:14

The bit about working in the school explains it all really. OP thinks she knows best and refuses to accept the truth, unfortunately is quite common attitude among teachers...
I really feel sorry for her stepdaughters

Caribbeanyesplease · 01/07/2018 19:23

BlackBeltInChildWrangling

A clean car full of sand because a 13 year old refuses to spend a couple of minutes cleaning her feet.

IMO that is a valid “battle” .

Why? Because by her not* doing something that requires minimum effort she is going to create work for someone else. It’s selfish. And for that reason, the OP was right to be cross about her defiance. It was unfair.