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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do you do in the face of blatant defiance?

191 replies

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 11:50

I am posting as a step mum so please don’t flame me!!

I have never had this with my own kids.

DSD1 is 13 and this weekend has been a bit hellish.

She is just blatantly rufusing to do things. For example we were at the beach and she refused to sit on the blanket so was covered in sand. We all washed our feet off at the tap and she point blank refused.

DH then made her put her feet in a bag on the way home, he was going to not do that and just get her to vacuum the sand from his car but he thinks she would have refused to do that too.

He took her phone from her (we pay for it so we feel this is ok) and then she was messaging her Mum from her sisters phone who was colluding with the girls telling them they should make an excuse to be dropped Home early today.

Several more times in the evening she refused to do as asked. I had a chat with her and asked her if everything was ok, she wanted to be here etc and she opened up to me a bit but there was nothing she disliked about being here.

We are running out of ideas of how to deal with this? What do others do?

OP posts:

crispysausagerolls · 01/07/2018 15:03

It sounds like she’s a classic teenager who didn’t want to go to the beach but got dragged there and then bossed around by you! Completley reminds me of my stepmother who even criticised the way in which I painted my toenails. You are not her mother and she only sees her father at weekends - I undersyand being a stepparent is difficult, but being so controlling and micromanaging is just going to piss her off.

tempester28 · 01/07/2018 15:05

Maybe she is getting to an age where she wants
to spend more weekends at home. Perhaps she doesn't know how
to say it without hurting you and dad's feelings. I remember a point where going to my dad's on a Sunday was interfering with my plans!

Original poster

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 15:07

BlackBeltInChildWrangling

No it was not a reasonable question, it has NOTHING to do with this situation and it gets trotted out on every step parenting thread and I have already said I have been with DH for 9 years so it would be even more irrelevant if true!

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 15:08

She has had weekends at home and we are fine with it we communicate to her that we do understand that she might not always want to come.

OP posts:

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 01/07/2018 15:17

Good grief OP stop 'suggesting' where she sits. Who cares if she gets sand in her pockets? She's 13 she can work out for herself that covering herself in sand is going to get her sandy and she can decide for herself if she cares or not. It's going to be massively annoying to have constant suggestions of this kind. You obviously want to be told DSD is a nightmare and it's her mother's fault but can you not open your eyes to the part you're playing in the situation?

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 15:18

I disagree. I think it's often relevant. I have no agenda with you OP, other than to try to help you.

There has been quite a bit of drip feeding of relevant information on the thread.

Many of your posts could actually have been written by my dear friend about her adopted DS a few years ago. They are very different to eachother, as it sounds you are to your DSD. She took the advice to relax some of her many unimportant rules and see things more from his perspective, and things did gradually improve. It became more about finding ways to both enjoy the time together, rather than doing it her way.

Ethylred · 01/07/2018 15:18

OP, you're not listening to anything that anybody else says.
Are you the teenager here?

BlueJava · 01/07/2018 15:19

It sounds like she is testing the boundaries out. However if you keep pulling her up on don't do this/don't do that there will be a lot of heartache and unpleasantness as she will have a lot to kick off about.

Rachie1973 · 01/07/2018 15:22

The way you keep coming back and defending your position OP makes me think that you're struggling to accept people disagreeing with you, and cannot understand how this is happening.

SO many people are asking you to look at your own demands and expectations, that I really think you need to take some on board at least.

JennieLee · 01/07/2018 15:22

I think if I had a 13 year old stepdaughter who self-harmed and was in a full blown sexual relationship, sand would not be my biggest concern...

Original poster

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 15:24

I don’t know if she is in a “full blown sexual relationship” I have absolutely no evidence of that at all.

A lot of 13 year old girls self harm unfortunately.

OP posts:

Juells · 01/07/2018 15:24

I think if I had a 13 year old stepdaughter who self-harmed and was in a full blown sexual relationship, sand would not be my biggest concern...

^^ this

81Byerley · 01/07/2018 15:25

It does sound like normal teenage behaviour, but hard to deal with. Personally, I'd say to her "We're going to the beach and I know you don't like washing the sand off. Bring some talcum powder with you , then that will help you brush the sand off before you get back in the car." ...and pick your fights.

Original poster

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 15:29

She’s never objected to washing her feet before.

She always says she doesn’t like the beach because she doesn’t like the feeling of sand on her feet - but whenever we take her to the beach she literally rolls around on the sand until she is covered in it.

OP posts:

Rachie1973 · 01/07/2018 15:30

LadyRussell

A lot of 13 year old girls self harm unfortunately.

No, they don't. Whilst the numbers are alarming, don't normalise it. You bring it up, then dismiss it when it hasn't got you the agreement you're looking for. That's very telling. You seem to need agreement from a group of strangers on the internet. It must be very wearisome for your SD.

Original poster

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 15:32

Yes they do - I am not normalising it but it is very very common and we made sure DSD got support with it.

I work in schools I know how common it is a a problem, there is an epidemic of it atm.

OP posts:

eggsandwich · 01/07/2018 15:32

Another one here who says pick your battles, I wouldn’t of made an issue about the sand it’s part and parcel with going to the beach.

It does make me wonder with her playing up and colluding with the others to make excuses to go home early, that maybe she didn’t really want to be there.

Teenagers are completely different species to other children I speak from experience, maybe she felt she has to go to her dads when really she’d rather be holed up in her bedroom at home as a lot of teens do.

Original poster

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 15:33

There is no pressure on her to be here at all.

She has not come before and it’s totally fine.

OP posts:

JennieLee · 01/07/2018 15:34

Yes but why do you care more about sand than the fact she's cutting her wrists?

Rachie1973 · 01/07/2018 15:37

Your question was

We are running out of ideas of how to deal with this? What do others do?

Lots of us answered. Pick your battles, let her make some choices, leave her be.

Why are you struggling with that so much?

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 01/07/2018 15:37

She's 13. I'm currently getting this from DD 10. I think hitting her where it hurts and confiscating her phone was the way to go.

Original poster

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 15:37

I wasn’t looking for any “reaction” I genuinely want to know what to do when you hit a brick wall and am adamant “no”.

I was not micro managing at all if it comes across like that it’s not how it was - even her sister (who I am probably not as close with) was a bit shocked and told me the other week she had told their mother to fuck off (I don’t know how that was dealt with as I wasn’t there).

It was DSD and her dad who had the “stand off” and we do work as a team.

We do pick and choose the “rules” but for me her refusing with no good reason was silly esp as everyone else had rinsed their feet.

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 15:38

DH had also just had his car cleaned.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 01/07/2018 15:38

It’s not about the sand it’s about the refusal to do as requested.

The power balance between you is not equal. I would be very, very careful to pick my battles. At the moment, you are providing plenty of opportunities for her to refuse to do as requested. Making clear the choices and their consequences in an entirely neutral way, that suggests you are not fussed either way might work a bit better. The Chinese soft martial art is the model here, offer no resistance and use tbeir power against them

the fear was if she actually refused to hoover the car where did we go then.

Another vote for offering a choice and natural consequences. A bit of father / daughter bonding over vacuuming out the car might have been just what was required, if he presented it as 'lets see what we can do here' and give her some space to talk while doing it together, away from everyone else. Some of my best conversations with my father took place while we were washing the car together.

Rachie1973 · 01/07/2018 15:39

LadyRussell

her refusing with no good reason was silly esp as everyone else had rinsed their feet.

Seriously! Listen to how ridiculous that single sentence sounds!!

She was 'silly' ….. about rinsing feet. For goodness sake!

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