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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do you do in the face of blatant defiance?

191 replies

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 11:50

I am posting as a step mum so please don’t flame me!!

I have never had this with my own kids.

DSD1 is 13 and this weekend has been a bit hellish.

She is just blatantly rufusing to do things. For example we were at the beach and she refused to sit on the blanket so was covered in sand. We all washed our feet off at the tap and she point blank refused.

DH then made her put her feet in a bag on the way home, he was going to not do that and just get her to vacuum the sand from his car but he thinks she would have refused to do that too.

He took her phone from her (we pay for it so we feel this is ok) and then she was messaging her Mum from her sisters phone who was colluding with the girls telling them they should make an excuse to be dropped Home early today.

Several more times in the evening she refused to do as asked. I had a chat with her and asked her if everything was ok, she wanted to be here etc and she opened up to me a bit but there was nothing she disliked about being here.

We are running out of ideas of how to deal with this? What do others do?

OP posts:

ChickensError · 01/07/2018 15:40

Christ on a bike. Mumsnet hate a stepmum. I grew up near the beach. Same rule. Wash your feet before you get in the car. Why on earth is it ok for a 13 year old to purposefully make a mess that others will have to clean up? She's 13 not 3. Taking the phone off her is fine.

But there does seem to be something else going on with the mum etc. Once everyone has calmed down I'd talk about how nice weekend can be better. Maybe offer to let her choose something and then she needs to agreed to a different group activity. I have teenage stepkids and we do have rules around phones/screen time and it's the only way to make life bearable. An hour in the morning. An hour at lunch unless we are out and however long they want after dinner until bedtime. It stops them feeling like you're pulling a power trip on them and randomly forcing them off their devices. You might need to revisit your house rules.

happypoobum · 01/07/2018 15:41

It's like banging your head against a bloody wall.

Lethaldrizzle · 01/07/2018 15:42

I've been through the teenage years. I didn't have this defiance you talk of because I didn't set so many rules like telling people they have to shower before bed or where to sit on the beach. She's obviously rolling in the sand as one big FU! My in-laws are bossy and I am never more 'defiant' when around them!

SabineUndine · 01/07/2018 15:42

I think her mother’s stirring it.

Lethaldrizzle · 01/07/2018 15:44

My inlaws are bossy and controlling and i am never more 'defiant' than when i'm around them and their petty rules. She's rolling in the sand as one big FU!

pallisers · 01/07/2018 15:45

It sounds like a normal enough weekend with a 13 year old (my youngest is 16). I get that the sand in the car thing might be annoying for you (wouldn't bother me) and you'd have words about it but it is hardly "blatant defiance" is it? I thought your post was going to be about something way more serious. The easiest way to have teens who do what you ask most of the time is to limit what you ask (and make sure you are asking, not telling).

Why did your dh take her phone away? Because she wouldn't wash her feet? He has a long few years ahead of him. She'll vote with those same feet pretty soon.

Juells · 01/07/2018 15:46

I think her mother’s stirring it.

I'd be stirring it too if I'd decided to play down a D saying she was in a relationship (at 13) and her SM was having chats with her about her sexuality and her self-harming.

thricethebrindledcat · 01/07/2018 15:49

Teenagers can smell the fear, and you might have been a bit of a pushover in the past possibly? Be polite, fair and consistent - it's when there are vague expectations of behaviour or none that offer them the chance to be difficult. You're not a friend, SD has plenty of those, you are an adult in loco parentis, only try not to go loco

I'm a SM myself and IIWM SD would not come on a trip again until she's shown she can be reasonable.

Maelstrop · 01/07/2018 15:52

Those saying the OP has created/exacerbated the defiance, wtaf? No way would anyone get in my car covered in sand either. That’s a very basic rule when you live near the beach. We were always made to rinse off or towel off sand before getting back in the car. It’s a sod to get out of car carpet/material covered seats.

aswellihavehayfever · 01/07/2018 15:57

The one who has problems with boundaries is not your SD it's you.

Back off and seriously don't sweat the small stuff. The beach = sand.

The rest of it with the chats over self harming and sexuality and all that ... leave that to her parents.

psicat · 01/07/2018 15:58

ChickensError

-totally agree, that's a reasonable request. Same as when lived by forest, wellies get taken off before getting on car.

I do agree with the posts about giving options etc but she's come for a weekend with her father, the whole family is going to the beach so no she can't stay at home a d play on her phone. How rude - and for a 13 year old with history of self harming, how potentially dangerous. Isn't it better to be with the family? And she had a good time whilst there, sounds more like teenage testing as to what she can do.

Sent clear boundaries but she is getting close to adulthood so do give her options too.

And I dont blame you for say FFS when asked if the OW! How rude! Yes that might have been relevant but it was rather blunt and accusatory - that may not have been the intention but that was how I read it too. Sometimes people just break up...

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 15:59

I'm not seeing any hate for stepmums on this thread, just people trying to help from experience.

A book recommendation, OP, but perhaps you've already read this too:

Get Out of My Life But First Take Me & Alex Into Town, by Tony Wolf & Suzanne Frank (Profile Books, updated 2014)

LunaTrap · 01/07/2018 16:08

Did you have a thread the other day about a different stepkid from a different mother not behaving in the way you expect them to? Ever considered you and their Dad might be the issue? And I would have bloody hated to be forced to sit on a beach in this heat, you should have let her stay at home.

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 16:09

How rude! - DSD
How rude!.- Me
It sounds like psicat thinks we'd get on well.

wibblywobblyfish · 01/07/2018 16:09

I wouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill. I've been on days out with friends who constantly nag on at their children and it's exhausting to be around. She's 13. I wouldn't have wanted to go to the beach at 13, or be asked to wear a swimsuit etc.

LuluJakey1 · 01/07/2018 16:10

It is toddler behaviour. Do what you did with a toddler having a strop.

pallisers · 01/07/2018 16:16

It is toddler behaviour. Do what you did with a toddler having a strop.

Yes because treating teenagers like toddlers is a fantastic way of having a good relationship with them and preparing them for life.

aswellihavehayfever · 01/07/2018 16:17

So pick her up under your arm and carry her to the car, strap her in using the grip of death to hold her in her seat while you get the straps clicked in, and strip her clothes off before she gets in the car because she's filthy and will have to go home in her pants?

Yeah coz that's going to work well, like.

AlphaBravo · 01/07/2018 16:18

You're creating battles you dont need to create OP. So what if she wanted to sit on the sand. So what if there was a bit of sand in the car. Why did you take her phone off her for that? It reads like a modern day bloody dickens novel.

Are the things you're asking her to do life and death? Or are they stupid things like moving shoes or sitting on her hands quietly in a corner?

Why are you telling a 13yr old what to do instead of just letting her figure it out? They need guidance, not orders.

AlphaBravo · 01/07/2018 16:20

She's probably fucking exhausted with you to be fair, OP.

aswellihavehayfever · 01/07/2018 16:23

And you know what? If teens are having a miserable time, and don't want to be there, why shouldn't they go home?

She didn't want to do what you wanted to do so why make her?

AlphaBravo · 01/07/2018 16:23

Also OP can I point out... her Mother is still on the scene. You are not a 'step'-mother. You are her Father's wife/partner. That is all.

I absolutely HATE it when people call themselves a step parent when the kid's actual parent is still a healthy and active part of the kids life.

LunaTrap · 01/07/2018 16:26

She had to do a 5 hour trip for contact after a busy week at school and wasn't allowed to just stay at home and chill out, she had to go to the beach and then be picked at and micromanaged over petty things that don't really matter. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to bother coming next time.

aswellihavehayfever · 01/07/2018 16:28

The penny has just dropped withe me.

OP you've posted about these kids a lot under many name changes and the whole situation is a massive clusterfuck of epic proportions (which you are told every time) and you and your DH have treated his kids appallingly (which you are also told every time). You will get this thread deleted (which you also do just about every time) and carry on as you are and there will be another thread in a fortnight or a month and we will go round in this circle all over again.

rosesandflowers1 · 01/07/2018 16:35

I think teens get to an age where they dislike feeling like they're being controlled. If you live near to a beach, not having sandy feet in the car seems like standard protocol though. I'd be happy to vacuum it once, not every other week.

Generally my teens know when they're pushing it! An icy "excuse me?" to a downright "no" and they'll hastily backtrack I find it helpful to not go to war on the small stuff; then, when you challenge their defiance, they know you're serious.

If she doesn't like being "micromanaged", maybe work out a list of responsibilities/privileges she has in the house? This will make her feel more adult and less controlled, especially if there's benefits to you recognising that she's a teenager too. e.g. she's responsible for changing her bed, but her bedtime is later. Then stick to these rules.

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