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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you do in the face of blatant defiance?

191 replies

LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 11:50

I am posting as a step mum so please don’t flame me!!

I have never had this with my own kids.

DSD1 is 13 and this weekend has been a bit hellish.

She is just blatantly rufusing to do things. For example we were at the beach and she refused to sit on the blanket so was covered in sand. We all washed our feet off at the tap and she point blank refused.

DH then made her put her feet in a bag on the way home, he was going to not do that and just get her to vacuum the sand from his car but he thinks she would have refused to do that too.

He took her phone from her (we pay for it so we feel this is ok) and then she was messaging her Mum from her sisters phone who was colluding with the girls telling them they should make an excuse to be dropped Home early today.

Several more times in the evening she refused to do as asked. I had a chat with her and asked her if everything was ok, she wanted to be here etc and she opened up to me a bit but there was nothing she disliked about being here.

We are running out of ideas of how to deal with this? What do others do? Confused

OP posts:
FreeMantle · 01/07/2018 14:31

The difference between taking your shoes off in the house and this, is that she wouldn't have had sandy feet at all if she'd been allowed to skip the beach as she asked.

To be fair if there is a no mess in the car rule then that's how it is. But she didn't want to go. There was nothing in it for her. Why should she make your life easier?

bigKiteFlying · 01/07/2018 14:31

I think her behavior is normal - I have a near 13 year old and we've started to see some of this.

I agree with natural consequences approach .

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 14:31

can’tkeepawayforever

Yes you make have a point with giving her the option.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 14:33

Her period wasn’t about to start as she was on her period when she came two weeks ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 14:34

She actually had a nice time once we got there and sat and read her book.

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 01/07/2018 14:35

If she didn’t want to go to the beach, but had to because everyone else did, could you have empathised with her feelings and offered a compromise for when you got there?
This ^^. I'd have hated having to go to the beach and roast. Instead of compromise she got told where to sit, what to wear, when to wash, stick her feet in a bag..... There's having rules (which is fine) and running a regime. If she'd been allowed to wallow in the sand to her heart's content from the start without comment then she might have washed her feet, but if you get someone's back up on enough things then they'll refuse to co-operate, especially when they're 13. Add in a mother who's obviously stirring in the background....
Explain rather than insist ('everyone needs a shower in this weather because we're all getting hot & sweaty and there's only so much that deodorant can do - if you don't shower then we'll have to strap you to the sunroof for the journey home to save our noses). And sometimes you have to sod the principle, give them a hug, and realise that you might gain more from giving in at times than you would by standing your ground.
(And you've still got 14, 15, 16... to go!)

Juells · 01/07/2018 14:37

I do talk to her a lot about stuff. We talk about periods, self harm, her sexuality (her Mum says she is too young to know her sexuality).

WTAF? Those are subject for her mother to discuss with her. I'd go ballistic if someone brought up the subject of self-harming or sexuality with my 13-year-old.

JennieLee · 01/07/2018 14:38

Teenagers aren't always communicative and if they don't live with you full-time it's very hard to know what's going on.

They could be unhappy at school. They could have fallen out with their best mate. They could be fed up because they wanted to go to a party but can't because it's fallen on 'Dad's weekend.' All sorts of things.

It tends to take time for stuff to emerge. And there's not a lot of time on a weekend visit when there's a lot of travelling backwards and forward. It really doesn't help if a lot of that time is taken up with unnecessary arguments.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 14:39

I didn’t bring it up - she did.

She was self harming (she isn’t anymore as we got her some support through school) and she has a girlfriend atm

OP posts:
happypoobum · 01/07/2018 14:39

OP can you explain why you insisted on her going to the beach when she clearly didn't want to? Saying that everyone else wanted to go is totally irrelevant. Maybe the poor girl wanted a bit of time on her own?

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 14:40

If they have parties they want to attend they don’t come here.

If we had no boundaries and let them do exactly what they wanted he would be accused of being a Disney Dad - so he cannot win really can he?

OP posts:
Arum51 · 01/07/2018 14:41

No 13 year old girl has a regular menstrual cycle. You can have two, 10 days apart, then not have another for months. That's why it's so paranoia inducing. If she was on her period 2 weeks ago, she may well have been ovulating, and worrying that the symptoms she was feeling meant another period was about to burst upon her and embarrass her in public.

And your utter refusal to consider your role in this girl's behaviour is really frustrating. An entire weekend of this, and I'd be refusing to wash my feet, too!

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 14:42

She does actually and has done since she started her periods 2 years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 14:44

She came because we were also getting something to eat. Which she did want to do.

OP posts:
JennieLee · 01/07/2018 14:44

It seems to me that what you want to be told is that you are right and your stepdaughter is a) wrong and possibly b) being badly parented by her own mother.

I suppose the interesting question is what you and your husband feel you can do in order to make the girl's time with you more successful and enjoyable.

There's been some potentially helpful advice here. What's going to work for you?

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 01/07/2018 14:49

OP are you being deliberately obstructive? Do you not understand the idea of a happy medium between setting no rules at all and setting far too many. Where has anyone suggested setting no boundaries at all?Everyone has clearly stated that you should set boundaries for important issues and give way for trivial matters. You should also not even pass comment and plenty of the issues you've mentioned (what she wears, where she sits). If she doesn't want to wear a swimsuit she doesn't have to, even if she's just not wearing one to annoy you that's fine it's her choice not yours.

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 14:50

There are some positives in your later posts, but I agree with PP that it's for her parents to talk to her about issues like sexuality. Her mum is around, it sounds like her mum is her primary carer, and you should respect her feelings on the subject. I think you're crossing a line there, OP. You can't criticise her mum, (her actual parent), for undermining her dad and you, if you undermine her mum, now can you?

You seem to feel significant animosity towards her mum. Is this impacting on how you feel about DSD? Were you the OW?

Rachie1973 · 01/07/2018 14:51

LadyRussell
She actually had a nice time once we got there and sat and read her book

As opposed to sitting and being on her phone?

Can you not see what people are telling you? Are you really that obtuse?

saoirse31 · 01/07/2018 14:51

You wanted to insist on where she sat? I'd rethink a lot if I was you. I'd also probably consider the joys of sometimes not worrying about the (very?) many rules you may have and all have a day off from them...see if the sky falls or not.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 14:51

So when DSD1 opens up a conversation about her sexuality I shut her down and tell her to talk to her mother who tells her she is too young to know and took her to the Dr when she said she think she might be gay?

And no I was not the OW ffs.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 14:53

I did not insist on where she sat. I gave her a blanket and she sat where she chose.

I asked her not to completely cover herself in sand and suggested it might be better if she sat on the blanket and then she wouldn’t get sand in her pockets etc.

OP posts:
BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 14:58

Given what you've now disclosed about previous self-harm, I think her acting out and a bit of open 'defiance' is actually a good and healthy thing.

user546425732 · 01/07/2018 14:58

She's 13, it's part and parcel of being a teenager and of being a step-child. She's pushing the boundaries to see what will happen.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 01/07/2018 15:01

She brought a friend with her a few months ago and we let them share a room.

It later emerged that this friend was her girlfriend and her mother knew but did not tell us. I was really angry because if we had known we’d would not have let them share a room and didn’t the next time the friend came.

I think the mother didn’t tell us because she doesn’t take DSD seriously.

OP posts:
BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 15:03

ffs
It's a reasonable question in the circumstances OP. There's no need to get shirty, especially when you've asked for help and we're trying to give it to you.