Can I call the police?

[scoobydoobydooo]

Really quick question. My ex is a complete fuckwit.

I have just handed over dc for contact, I stated a time and place for him to drop him off. I had a funny feeling he would not agree to it, so I recorded the handover, where I clearly state the time and place to which he needs to drop off, he agrees several times, then walks off with dc shouting 'see you at the time he wants'...

There is a huge backstory to all of this that I cannot go into for various reasons, but if he does not return her as he agreed to just before I handed over the dc, can I call the police? As you can imagine, his behaviour is completely unhinged and unreasonable, I need as much evidence as I can get. Or am I being ridiculous?

Email and ask him to go to mediation. You know he won't do it, but it will help to demonstrate that you try to be reasonable.

If he’s violent they won’t allow mediation. I was allowed to do it with my ex.

Wasn’t *

I've done that. I received a condescending reply stating I was welcome to organise it and pay for it and he might show up if I was lucky... the rudeness and absolute disdain he shows towards me is astounding. He speaks to me like a piece of shit, continually stating he doubts my intelligence, and basically insinuating I am not fit to inhabit the same earth as him. Yeah, but somehow I am good enough to raise his daughter singlehandedly and with no financial support from him. It really irks me that I am expected to dance to his tune.

But those replies are really useful, as they show a pattern of emotional abuse. Very handy to have when you go to court.

Poor you... I'd say the pp who said just melt away and make it as much hard work as possible for him. Let's be honest, there aren't many men who seriously want to do the donkey work of looking after a 7 month old, and he's enjoying the drama of seeing you get upset about his two extra hours. It's hard but I think you need to just unplug from it and get a court order, better if you initiate it and not him. You should probably just refuse to allow contact without a clear court order now.

I'm sorry you have had a shit ton of conflicting advice on this thread and that your DD's sperm donor is an abusive cunt.

If there is no court order, you are under no obligation to allow contact. You don't need a solicitor at this stage. He can file to court if he wants. I would assume radio silence from now on. He's having a right laugh at your expense.

He also seems to have missed a feed and not given her any water. In this heat????????

If it's not too late, record how much she has to drink after you got her back, as it could be helpful evidence, also the colour of her urine, if it appears darker than usual.

This turned out to be really useful evidence for someone I know, it showed that the father couldn't be trusted to meet her most basic needs.

She's too little to be left with him. Write it down and get to court asap

Thanks again, I've calmed down a bit now, baby is now sleeping soundly after an almighty tantrum (which she only ever has if she is literally and utterly exhausted), and in answer to the poster who advised seeing how much she drank etc, she literally downed half a beaker of water in one go 😱😱😱

I also noticed when I changed her for her bath at 6, she has nappy rash. A-fucking-gain. How is it actually possible for that to happen? I would put it down to coincidence but this is the third time!!!! Surely, without being too hysterical about it, this is some sort of neglect??

Left a message for the solicitor to call me first thing tomorrow and I will update her on his fuckwittery. Can't remember if I mentioned a similar act of being a complete twonk on Friday, and. And cancelling contact ten mins before I was due to leave the house last weekend... will take it from there.

Sorry for being a bit hysterical and imagining the worst case scenario, etc. I am normally quite stoic and calm, but he really has done a number on me, and today was the final straw.

Scoobydoobydooo
There has been some awful advice (as well as good advice) on this thread and you seem unsure of some important facts.

The first and foremost, you say there is no contact order. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN BE REQUIRED TO MAKE YOUR CHILD AVAILABLE !!! Yet you keep saying you 'have to let her go to him)
If he doesn't have one then you don't let him have her. As simple as that ! Never get you or her in this position again.

The contact order can and will set out the conditions for contact and the times during which she may be available for contact and the time that contact ends.

It is not your job to apply for the order !! The parent with care (you) has the upper hand here. HE is the one required to jump through court hoops and cost. Not you.

Do not hand her over again. Do not contact him. If he comes to the house and tries to take her call the police. With no contact order he will not be allowed to take her. (Just as today, when she was with him the police would not get him to give her back) there is no court order. You are in possession of the child. Do not relinquish that.

If he wants to see her he has to apply to the court. He has to state the reasons why he needs to see her. (For normal people it's, because she's my daughter and I want to see her) This is when YOU have the right to state your reasons and concerns. You tell them everything and they will make a decision on next steps through CAFCASS.. they will investigate the circumstances and make a recommendation to the judge about the level of contact and type (Unsupervised, supervised by a third party, supervised by a contact centre or indirect.. phone calls only when she's older)

This is for him to do. Not you !!
You do not need to rack up lawyers bills. You just say NO.
There is a high probability he won't be arsed to do it.

Above all, have this thread (or make a new one about the way forward) and post it in 'legal'. Which is chocked full of very experienced , kind knowledgeable family lawyers who will give you accurate lawful advice. Good luck. (You can also speak on the phone to the Coram legal centre - google their number.)

If she’s only getting nappy rash when she’s with him it probably means she’s being left in a wet/dirty nappy for too long. Or if her eczema has flared up too could he be using wipes that she’s reacting to?

ivechangedmyusername is totally, 100% right.

Thanks ivehangedmyusername, your input is greatly appreciated. I am just going to try and chill out this evening, feel like I am living on a knife edge at the moment. I'll post on the legal board as well (cheers for the tip off!)

At least she is safe and asleep upstairs with me. That's the only way of getting through this whole ordeal, she is with me. Again, I know it sounds melodramatic, but I just don't know what stunt he will pull next.

I am gutted about the contact book. He has definitely lost it on purpose, the twat. If I knew where he had been today, I could try and hunt it down, but I imagine it (along with all my lovely best evidence) is long gone, probably burnt or at the bottom of a river by now.

i'vechangedmyusername has spelled it out exactly how it is. Give yourself a few days to calm down. Them give some thought to why you would let your baby go with someone who would miss a feed and bring her back thirsty when it's over 25°. I know you are scared of him and this has been guiding your decision-making. Your solicitor should have told you that you are under no legal obligation to make your baby available for contact. If he kicks off, you call 999. You must be so relieved now she's home with you.

I am pleased you will post on legal OP. It's the best place for this sort of thing. AIBU is about the worst as it's full of well meaning people who do not understand (or thank goodness- have never needed to know) the legal standpoint for both parties in this situation.

The contact book is unimportant. Stop stressing about it. You could only use it IF he makes a court application. When you attempt to use it as evidence he would accuse you of 'making it up to suit your point ' as it's not corroborated by an independent third party. It's all unimportant.

IF (a big IF) he makes an application- THEN you get all parties involved who know your story and situation. That is ONLY IF he makes an application. Until that point you live with your child , keep them safe - and hand over to no one you don't trust implicitly.

I know, but it was so detailed... should have known better than to send it off with her without photographing it, should have bloody well known... but you are right about him accusing me of making it up.

When you say get all parties who know my sTory involved, what do you mean? Friends/family who have witnessed his madness/the state of the baby when she is returned/his fucking around with the plans arranged? Sorry if I sound stupid, it's been a long old day. Are you speaking from your own experience (I hope you aren't!).

Got a heavy week ahead but as soon as I got her safe in the car, literally felt like the weight had lifted on my shoulders, and just watching her on the monitor making me laugh with her sleeptime antics. I wish he wasn't doing this to her. He can (and has) fucked me over so badly, but how can he do it to her?

From now on, no more dancing to his tune, no more constant tension of trying to be the good parent/better person when it's clear he will try every single underhand trick in the book... no more being scared about not knowing if he'll bring her back or not (as I said he's a lazy git who does not want more than a few hours with her to pass her around like a doll, look like a 'doting daddy' (ha bloody ha), holding onto to her for longer purely because he wants to piss me off (how is that fair on her? He gets bored after a couple of hours anyway), no more of not knowing what state she will come back in, or wondering where she has been/who she is with.

I secretly hope that, as some pp's posted, he loses interest in her sooner rather than later and he leaves us alone to get on with our lives. But then I get judged for not wanting her to have a relationship with her father... damn right, he's an absolute tool. But guess I'll have to let her make her own mind up about that when she's older.

Op, I’ve seen you saying he has you over a barell?? I don’t see how.

You have your daughter, you’re the one in control. Given his behaviour, you send him a message clearly listing all the things that have happened and that from now on you will not be facilitating contact.
You are happy for him to see true child but supervised only and in a contact centre.
If he doesn’t arrange it then that’s his own tough luck. He can see her in a contact centre or not at all.

Then leave him to take you to court.

You are absolutely the person who has control, you just need to start controlling the situation.

Agree with the recent advice.

It is up to him to apply for access to the court and all the other elements as stated are right.

The only part I would add, is that you need to be able to show you have been reasonable. That's where the case I knew fell down. She would just say you're not seeing them. Take me to court then. It was justified on her part but the court didn't agree. They felt she was being difficult by arbitrarily withdrawing access. It meant that he was able to say alot of the shit he pulled was because he was frustrated and upset she was denying him access. It was bollocks clearly but she didn't do herself favours. He got a generous contact order.

I would suggest sending him an email setting out your concerns about the drop off time and the issues from today. That you would be happy to facilitate access but given he reneged on the agreed drop off time this access would need to be at a pre arranged location e.g. your mum's or somewhere like that and on pre arranged dates on a schedule. Again as a pp has said something reasonable, once a fortnight for example. A pattern the court would agree if they agree any at all.

Of course he won't want that but you must show you are not stopping access. You are offering access but on your terms. He can then go to court where you produce all the evidence of you being reasonable and him being unreasonable and abusive not meeting her needs etc etc.

Don't let him be able to portray you as a crazy woman not letting him see his child etc etc bullshit that he will try and say. You must be stable and show you are not like him. Not playing games on timings. Not being a dick.

I hope this comes across in the spirit meant. And I am glad you have her back. When they are so tiny and vulnerable it's an awful feeling.

Bloody hell, OP. Just RTWT and by the time it got to 5 my heart was racing. God, what a shit he is! I agree with everyone else that if you act as though you get up to lots of fun in the lovely free time you get when your baby is with him, he'll very soon lose interest.

Been here and lived it, all done to undermine and attempt to control you, they never put the child first and foremost, the child to men like this are just pawn's in their sick little game. Yet we the mothers must obey the law and let them use our children like this, then after it lasts a what seems a lifetime to you and your child only then will the solicitor tell you to stop contact and if he wants more contact he will have to take you back to court and for a few months will leave it alone.

Just when you think life is getting good that letter drops giving you a court date, and then you have to go through it all again, repeating over and over again, but I want my child safe, I want my child to enjoy life, I dont want them to be a pawn and the solicitors and the judge go away and come back and tell him he must adhere to the times and dates, and you must adhere because it is his right as a father, but they all forget about the rights of the child, even your rights. Yes there are some women and men who just dont allow the ex to see the child(ren) as you left us, nope he left you not the child and because of this, it makes it even more difficult on other women who need to be listened to.
The only thing you can do is to be there for your child, comfort, love and cuddles and most importantly do not slag off the dad, no matter what the child tell you about him and how much your called this and that. Oh it is so hard to bite your tongue but you can do it because its your way to look after your child.
One day the law will catch up and the child's best interest will be first and foremost, not the interest of someone just because he or she has parental responsibility, responsibility is more that a piece of paper and some people will never understand that.
Big Hugs to you @scoobydoobydooo
my ex-wazurk wasn't allowed my address so we used a railway station near my home, sometimes i would be waiting up to 2 hours in the winter on a sunday when the station was closed

Haven't RTFT but you need to call the NCDV and get a Progibited Steps Order and a Non-Mol.

*Prohibited Steps Order

Btw, all free on the grounds of abuse. They will do everything for you within 48 hours.

Also, contact centres do not cost money?! Certainly not if arranged by a solicitor/court. Again, this will all be free via NCDV.

fantastic information on here... but I'm not sure OP is taking it on board atall... particularly that fact that she does not have to hand the Child over without an Order..

Please OP.. take the advise given