Can I call the police?

[scoobydoobydooo]

Really quick question. My ex is a complete fuckwit.

I have just handed over dc for contact, I stated a time and place for him to drop him off. I had a funny feeling he would not agree to it, so I recorded the handover, where I clearly state the time and place to which he needs to drop off, he agrees several times, then walks off with dc shouting 'see you at the time he wants'...

There is a huge backstory to all of this that I cannot go into for various reasons, but if he does not return her as he agreed to just before I handed over the dc, can I call the police? As you can imagine, his behaviour is completely unhinged and unreasonable, I need as much evidence as I can get. Or am I being ridiculous?

Hanks for all the replies by the way. So sorry that a lot of you have had to put up with similar situations...

With regards to the court order, I can just apply can't I? And that means he gets told exactly when he can have her and in what time frame? Sorry I could probably google this myself but my head is such a mess right now, I am having difficulty processing even the simplest things... what sort of contact would he get? I am worried they will charge straight in with overnights and stuff, and as I said, he has barely seen her as it is. He moved out in Feb (eventually, after initially refusing, after I tried to get him to leave due to domestic and financial abuse)... he has seen her for contact 18 times since then

Queen I am glad your sister got your niece back. Problem is I wouldn't even know where to find him as he refuses to tell me where he takes her. But apparently I have no right to know where she is when he has contact with her... how the hell can tjis sort of stuff be legal???

I have no idea where I am supposed to pick her up from. He walked off shouting see you st five. Clearly that means he is not going to drop her where I've asked him to, because I won't be there at that time!!!!!!

Ah, I didn't understand that. I'd email and text him every half hour, explaining that he hasn't told you where you're to collect the child. Think of it as collecting evidence that he's unreasonable. Your communications with him have to be completely reasonable, but laying the problem out very clearly. Be aware that you'll be producing these communications in court as evidence, and you need to show he's being controlling and unreasonable.

Where did he say he would see you at 5? Is it far from where you asked for the drop off at 3?

Going against a court order is a civil not criminal matter.

If you genuine concerns for the safety and welfare of your DD then you can call the police, but if he's just late then I don't think they will do much.

You turn up at 3 and if he’s not there you turn up at 5. Whether you wait the 2 hours at the collection point is up to you, could he turn up between those times and claim you weren’t there as agreed and use this to keep her?

As previous posters have said; if he has PR and doesn’t return her today there is very little you can do, despite your video evidence. The police may conduct a welfare check on her if you are concerned but if they have no concerns for her welfare they will not remove her from his care and return her.

This becomes private law and you will have to contact a solicitor first thing Monday morning to start the process of returning her to your care.

Sorry OP - it’s a shit system, and lets perpetrators abuse partners through it with no thoughts for the kids caught in the middle.

Thinking this through, I'm not so sure the OP wouldn't have cause to call the police.

He's taken the child, but won't tell her where
He's given her a random time for her to collect the child, but won't tell her where that is.

Having the police involved might give him a bit of a wake-up call. I'd go to court and try for supervised access, on the grounds that he's using access purely to continue the abuse she suffered in the relationship.

You can phone 101 and ''ask for advice'' as he is being aggressive and uncooperative, and you are scared because of his previous behaviour.

You can also get advice and support from Womens Aid.

Don’t play his games.

“It’ll be 5”

“Oh great. I’ll have two extra hours to see my friends”. See how he likes them apples

Have you called women's aid? 0808 2000 247. I think you need some advice on the legalities of this situation before you go to court, especially if you have to represent yourself.

Been to women's aid and was referred for a marac, but as he hasn't been 'physically violent' towards me recently it was deemed not necessary. But you know, apparently ya fine for him to be aggressive, intimidate me, put the fear of god into me that he may not return my child to me, that she will be in a complete state when she gets back, as usual.

I feel so helpless. I am a professional in a respected job, I like to think somewhere under all this crap I am dealing with that I have a bit of a brain. Yet he is walking all over me, and there is jack all I can do. Sorry I know that's not relevant.

I will wait at the specified place at 3, and see if he turns up. Otherwise I assume I will have to just go to where I dropped her at 5. Once again, this screws up my entire day because of him. This happens practically every time he bothers to turn up.

I think you have to wait at the place you specified until he turns up. Unpleasant as it may seem, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. He could (however unlikely) turn up at 3.30 and find you’ve gone, and he has a legitimate reason for being late; stuff happens.

No turn up at three.
At 3.10 message as I understand it you were returning DC at 3 is there a problem. At 3.20 message saying you will give 10 mins then you will call pllice as concerned for childs welfare.

If he replies he will returns DC at 5 It's in everyone's but especially the children's, best interest times are agreed sensibly and in writing so there are no misunderstandings in future, no one knows what they are doing unless arrangements are made and adhered to . you will log this with your police liaison officer

Do not in future drop children off if he does not agree return times in writing. Remember he only wants to control you. You raising his children is the best way to control you, he us unlikely to keep to inconvenience himself for any greater length of time than will cause you distress

Sorry the second paragraph should say

If he replies he will returns DC at 5, reply that you will sort round him today but this cannot happen again...

I would go at 3 and wait there. Takeaway coffee, phone & back up battery.

Then, as it hasn’t been to court, don’t let him take her in future. Refuse to let him see her & tell him you will see him in court. He probably won’t even bother, but if he does then do whatever it takes to get any contact in a contact centre (he pays).

Stop being intimidated by the twat.

Whatever you do do not go there and just wait. Do not just slink off and return 2 hours later. Start teaching him how to communicate in your terms you may have to pick up at 5 this time but don't start a precedent

Having been in a somewhat similar position, I would suggest that you don't worry too much about today- he will almost certainly be late, as he wants control, but he also doesn't want full time care, so he'll bring her back.

Then, after today- stop getting in touch. Stop chasing him to have her, stop her being available. Don't tell him what you're doing, or antagonise him by saying take me to court, just slowly slip away. Let him ask to see her, and if he does just apologise, say she's not available, if you want to see her next Saturday instead get in touch with me closer to the time. He's not likely to.

Unfortunately, these men who don't want regular contact don't want to be told they can't have it, but if they are the ones who have to put the leg work in, they won't choose it.

As someone with a 14 year old who still suffers from self esteem issues from her dad picking and choosing when he wanted to see her, I wish I'd have let it slip away. If I'd just made it all his choice to do the leg work, he'd have fucked off much earlier.

Has your ex at any time been convicted of any DV against you? If he has you can claim Legal Aid, if you are still on SMP & claim tax credits, this can help towards you getting it as well.

@Yokatsu

Whatever you do do not go there and just wait. Do not just slink off and return 2 hours later. Start teaching him how to communicate in your terms you may have to pick up at 5 this time but don't start a precedent

He has her over a barrel today, she has to accept that and work around it so she gets her baby back without a fight. Once she has her back she can get tough, but now isn't the time while he has control of the baby.

Personally I would go for 3 equipped to wait until 5. If you don't and he is there for 3 which he might be as you've said he isn't interested in dc chances are he will be bored by then. He will turn it back on you.

Then yes let him go to court for contact no more until then.
Court costs ££££ and if it's just a way of getting back at you it's easier to frighten you with words than get off his arse and do something.
Keep us posted today please if you can and try to take your mind off it until 3

As hard as it may be do not let him have this control over you. Take back your power. Come up with a plan and stick to it. Don't let him dictate your life xx

How about if you asked him when to expect her back rather than taking him? AS others gave said sometimes reverse psychology works.

Telling him I mean

You say you’re on SMP - is you child literally still a baby? Because if so I would have thought you had much more reason to keep a child with you?

I could be talking out my arse here I’m just going from stuff I’ve read on here.

I am worried they will charge straight in with overnights and stuff, and as I said, he has barely seen her as it is. He moved out in Feb (eventually, after initially refusing, after I tried to get him to leave due to domestic and financial abuse)... he has seen her for contact 18 times since then

So, he doesn't give a shit.

What he does give a shit about is hurting you and controlling you.

I would box clever on this one.

Firstly - he will bring her back. You know that. Because he does not give a toss about her and the last thing he wants is to have a bloody baby to look after. That's YOUR job. So don't worry.

The most effective way to get what you want - him seeing her as little as possible or not at all - may not be court. The answer may be in making him believe that a. you are NOT being successfully controlled by him when he fucks about with timings and b. worse still, by keeping her longer or by seeing her at all he is HELPING you.

Right now he knows you hate her going with him and that's the only reason he is 'taking your ball away'.

So, at 5:

'Here she is'