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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can I call the police?

182 replies

scoobydoobydooo · 01/07/2018 10:47

Really quick question. My ex is a complete fuckwit.

I have just handed over dc for contact, I stated a time and place for him to drop him off. I had a funny feeling he would not agree to it, so I recorded the handover, where I clearly state the time and place to which he needs to drop off, he agrees several times, then walks off with dc shouting 'see you at the time he wants'...

There is a huge backstory to all of this that I cannot go into for various reasons, but if he does not return her as he agreed to just before I handed over the dc, can I call the police? As you can imagine, his behaviour is completely unhinged and unreasonable, I need as much evidence as I can get. Or am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Juells · 01/07/2018 13:17

Do you have a friend who could wait with you, having lovely girly chats so you're all smiles when he (finally) turns up? Controlling men hate to think that they're 'babysitting' and giving their ex-w time off.

RainbowGlitterFairy · 01/07/2018 13:29

I would make sure you are where you said you would be at 3pm. DS's father pulled a stunt like this, so at the arranged time I wasn't where we'd said coz he'd said he wouldn't be there, he did turn up on time and then made a big song and dance about asking people if they had seen me, telling DS I must have forgotten him, calling to see why I was late etc. It really upset DS.

Contact centres cost £££ which is out of the question When I finally got a court order for a contact centre I didn't have to pay, because I had offered a few options for supervised contact which he'd refused and CAFCASS agreed supervised contact was completely necessary, they funded an amount of sessions, wasn't enough sessions to be a long term solution but in my case it was enough for DS' father to show his true colours and lose contact completely.

So the fact that I have him on video agreeing to drop her off at 3 means nothing? Means nothing in terms of showing the police today,
but it will be useful if you go to court.

Keepondreamingcheese · 01/07/2018 13:51

I agree with fizzy and rainbow. Be there at 3. And wait. If he turns up at 5 pretend you have only been there 5 minutes and that yiu are haopy as you had some extra time to do what you want. He will hate it

Yokatsu · 01/07/2018 14:02

If he turns up at 5 pretend you have only been there 5 minutes and that yiu are haopy as you had some extra time to do what you want

Dont play games. It will come back to haunt you. Mine would have loved this approach as it meant he never would have had to stick to any agreement ever. He could do as he pleased without any consequences whatsoever.

It also undermines any need does court order if it does end up at court. Hes just say we have a flexible arrangement that us agreed between ourselves. I reality all you end up doing is exactly what he wants to the timetable he wants. The kids learn they can push you around because that's what dad does.

The making the child suddenly unavailable will back fire spectacularly if it does end up in court.

Be steady and constant.

Juells · 01/07/2018 14:04

Poor OP, so much conflicting advice. :( That's because it's such a difficult situation she finds herself in, we'd all struggle to know how to handle it.

Babynut1 · 01/07/2018 14:08

If he doesn’t turn up at the agreed time then you call the police and get it logged that he has t returned your child.
When he does turn up take your child home and compose an email where you TELL him that as he can no longer be trusted to act in your child’s best interests, and his continuous intimidation, then it’s best he has contact in a contact centre supervised at HIS expense.

If he declines then suggest HE takes you to court.

By doing this you have offered supervised contact. Then just sit and wait for the court date! At court you’ve prob got evidence to show his intimidation and his lack of care of your baby. They’ll prob give him contact but they’ll also give you residency and an order that the child has to be returned to you at an agreed time.

I would totally take the power away from him.

PatsyStoneHH · 01/07/2018 14:12

You need a prohibited steps order which states that he cannot remove her from your care or control. Once you have that then you need to apply for a child arrangements order which states that your dd lives with you.
Personally I would apply for the prohibited steps and then refuse contact until he takes you to court.

PatsyStoneHH · 01/07/2018 14:13

Just to add..residency orders don't exist anymore. They were changed to child arrangement orders.

Doyoumind · 01/07/2018 14:14

A bit of advice if it does go to court. They will only rule on what you can't agree on. They would rather parents made the decisions and agreements. Go in with a very detailed plan with all the reasons why it's sensible and in the best interests of the child. Look as far into the future as possible and consider what might need to be included in an order so you don't end up having to go back to get the order amended at a later date. That way you make it easy for the court and the order could be based entirely on what you put forward.

RandomMess · 01/07/2018 14:20

If there is no court order you could refuse contact based on his behaviour today.

You can then let him take you to court where you can state he needs to use a contact centre due to his lack of care, not returning her etc. He will have to pay so may not well bother!

Original poster
scoobydoobydooo · 01/07/2018 14:41

Wow, thanks again for all the responses and advice. Just been out for lunch with friends to try and take my mind off the situation. Heading back to the meeting point now... I actually do not know which way this is going to go. Guess I will have to wait and see... that's all I can do.

I'll read all the posts thoroughly, probably whilst I am sitting in the heat, wondering where on Earth my baby is and when she will be home 😢 I know I sound like a pushover, but as I said, I am over this fucking barrel and it's made me so helpless, and he knows it. Will be non commital when I get her back, then follow steps, inc solicitor first thing Monday morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
scoobydoobydooo · 01/07/2018 15:53

Well she's not back...

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 01/07/2018 15:55

Sorry to hear that OP. Hang in there. I know an hour will pass slowly but hopefully he will stick to 5.

RuggerHug · 01/07/2018 16:05

Shit OP. Has he bothered to get in touch with you?

Candypinkstars · 01/07/2018 16:08

I knew someone with similar issues. The advice given around being stable and consistent is spot on.

I knew the fuckwit father in that situation and he was a class one bell end. Unfortunately the mother played games and entered into a power struggle. Not saying you are doing this at all btw. It did her no favours.

Sadly the court felt that she was also an issue and he got contact and it's dire. He remains a bell end and his 'success' at court ramped it up as he felt vindicated. Just ongoing grief. Had she disengaged alot more I feel it would have turned out differently. It's very unfair. You have my sincere sympathies.

numptynuts · 01/07/2018 16:13

Sitting with you OP.

Has he made any contact?

Original poster
scoobydoobydooo · 01/07/2018 16:14

He has texted to say '5 as you were informed'. Well fuck that. So guess I'll go and twiddle my thumbs.

I cannot tell you how much every bit of me aches and aches with frustration and anger and absolute incredulity at his sheer cheek. He's got the power and he knows it.

I will remain calm. I will remain calm. I will remain calm. How the fuck am I meant to remain calm? This fuckwit has completely fucked me over, time and time a-fucking-gain. As I said, he doesn't give a shit about the baby. She is a weapon to him and my god, it kills me to see her being used like this. He has only taken her once for this amount of time before and she was an absolute state when she was returned Sad

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 01/07/2018 16:16

Back at 5, be nice, say thanks, take her home, don’t contact him about when he next wants to see him and get to a solicitor tomorrow. If she’s not back at 5, police, regardless of his parental responsibility.

aldaniti · 01/07/2018 16:16

If she's returned in a state with dirty nappy etc maybe take photos of it?

Juells · 01/07/2018 16:16

Be calm when he finally turns up, and keep in the forefront of your mind that this is the last time you're going to allow him to mess you around. Hard to keep your temper, particularly when it's hot, but he'll be hoping you're hot and frazzled and exhausted waiting for him, and that you'll blow your top. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Maelstrop · 01/07/2018 16:17

Take pictures of her/state of nappy/face/clothing once out of sight of idiot wankbadger ex.

Juells · 01/07/2018 16:17

'5 as you were informed'.

Arsehole behaviour. He's cutting off his nose to spite his face though, as he's gone too far.

kitkatsky · 01/07/2018 16:20

I'm so sorry OP. DDs dad was just like this when we broke up- constantly using her as a weapon, picking her up from nursery and disappearing for a few hours, turning up at midnight and taking her out of her cot to drive to his dad's for contact, threatening to not bring her back... it went on for ages and it's beyond awful to feel like this. Please write down everything, keep any abysive texts and emails, photo your dd when she comes home holier etc and consult a solicitor ASAP. We eventually managed to put a plan in place without going to court and he geb rally plays ball these days, but men who like control will behave like this and you need to take some control back now. Hugs to you and your DD. Stay calm x

VioletCharlotte · 01/07/2018 16:22

Sorry to read this. My ex used to pull stunts like this when my kids were little. It's all about having control over you. Complete arseholes to use their kids in this way. I was told by the Police when I called them after he refused to return them that there was nothing they could do unless a court order was in place.

slithytove · 01/07/2018 16:27

How old is she?
I would stop contact, force him to take you to court. Does he know where you live.

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