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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can I call the police?

182 replies

scoobydoobydooo · 01/07/2018 10:47

Really quick question. My ex is a complete fuckwit.

I have just handed over dc for contact, I stated a time and place for him to drop him off. I had a funny feeling he would not agree to it, so I recorded the handover, where I clearly state the time and place to which he needs to drop off, he agrees several times, then walks off with dc shouting 'see you at the time he wants'...

There is a huge backstory to all of this that I cannot go into for various reasons, but if he does not return her as he agreed to just before I handed over the dc, can I call the police? As you can imagine, his behaviour is completely unhinged and unreasonable, I need as much evidence as I can get. Or am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
PippilottaLongstocking · 01/07/2018 17:04

I’m feeling so stressed on your behalf OP, this is exactly the kind of thing my son’s father would do, and the reason he only has supervised contact

Hemlock2013 · 01/07/2018 17:05

Logging in to say I hope you have your sweet girl back safe and sound.

I’ve not been in your situation but I can feel the aching from your posts... I’m so sorry for you.

Great advice from other posters... I’m just here for an emotional bolster x

SirVixofVixHall · 01/07/2018 17:07

How horribly stressful for you. He sounds an absolute shit. I haven’t been in this situation but I agree it is sensible to not let him see how he has riled you, and instead to give the impression that having some time to yourself was great.
And then do all you can to keep him away from her in the future.

Oscha · 01/07/2018 17:10

I hope he’s shown up 😣

Tinkie25 · 01/07/2018 17:10

Hope she is now back with you OP

Good luck with the solicitor tomorrow.

Snowysky20009 · 01/07/2018 17:11

Thinking of you OP!!

LegoBitcho · 01/07/2018 17:16

OP what a shit situation. I hope you can get this sorted, I've no advice but stay strong for your dd Flowers

Original poster
scoobydoobydooo · 01/07/2018 17:21

Well I've got her back... she is extremely subdued, has dark circles under her eyes, is clearly exhausted and rubbing her eyes. I have taken photos. She also has an eczema flare up on her head that wasn't there this morning. Pictures taken.

Oh and he has 'lost' the contact book. FUCK!!!! That had every single detail of the state he has returned her in, every lack of detail that he has recorded, every single thing. I remember thinking last night that I should have taken a photo of every single page of it, and I didn't. I am a stupid fucking idiot. I have it all written in my diary, but still.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 01/07/2018 17:21

I would stop contact... force his hand into taking this to court.. then get your Court Order. Don't let him treat you this way.. take back control.. Flowers

NotTakenUsername · 01/07/2018 17:30

You don’t lose a contact book anymore than you lose a phone. It’s not like a bloody shoe. Angry

Original poster
scoobydoobydooo · 01/07/2018 17:30

Oh and he's texted me her naps and feeds and changes, apparently. They do not tie in with her usual routine, as always. He also seems to have missed a feed and not given her any water. In this heat????????

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 01/07/2018 17:34

Oh god, I'm so pleased you have her back. Having been in a v similar situation pls PM if you want to, but just look after your girl now xx

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/07/2018 17:40

I would also stop contact, I agree with @Gemini69.
Allow yourself to breathe Scooby, you've got your precious baby back.
I really feel for you.🌺

Fivelittleduckies · 01/07/2018 17:41

So happy for you that you have your dd back. Wishing you only strength in dealing with this situation going forward. Hope you can gain complete control of your daughter ASAP - good luck!

LIZS · 01/07/2018 17:44

Glad you have her back. When things are calmer later try to rethink your priorities. It is not the end of the world if he does not follow "your" routine. Of course he would lose your book, it is not to his advantage to maintain it. What is an issue is that he plays with your head by being awkward about contact times and locations, knowing it will worry you ( can you go to court regarding contact to get this defined, is there anyone else who could do the handovers)and he is careless in hygiene causing her reactions. 7 months is still little but the odd variance in routine should not harm her. She is probably overtired after a day out, is that any more than you might do? Why might her eczema be so much worse 7 hours later though, does it need treatment more than twice a day?

Jux · 01/07/2018 17:46

Take photos of what she's like when she gets back so you can show them in Court (if you go there in the future). Whether you 'log' with police or not, log it yourself, every time. Everything. "Recorded agreement to return dd at 3 at x place; after hand over he shouted 5 with no venue", "arrived at agreed time of 3 at x place, but no show. Text exchabge at 3.10 (or whenever it was)and transcript and screenshots attached.". "Dd retuend at 5 at x place, photos of state she was in attached" and so on.

greeneyedlulu · 01/07/2018 17:53

I would not give a damn what his rights are, I would go no contact and runaway with my baby if I had to rather than put up with him for another second, he's an unfit father!
Good luck with the lawyer and stay strong!

PotteringAlong · 01/07/2018 17:54

I think you need to be a bit more rational about this though. If you are going to go to court you need to be reasonable and picking up on every little thing isn’t reasonable.

It’s hot, she’s been out all day. She would be tired regardless. That’s nothing your ex has done wrong.

My 16 month old has eczema. It looks worse now than it did this morning because the heat makes it redder and he’s been in and out of the paddling pool today. It will go down overnight. But it’s not worse because of neglect or lack of care.

Lots of babies are in childcare by 7 months and are completely able to have a flexible routine. Lots of babies don’t have a set routine. Being fed / napping at different times doesn’t matter.

The mind games about returning her do matter. If he’s neglected her and / or she’s in danger then that matters. But you do need to see the wood for the trees.

shitholiday2018 · 01/07/2018 17:59

The back story sounds stressful. It’s difficukt to see the full context without it though.

Other than you don’t wsnt him to have her, is there a reason why she couldn’t stay til 5? He said he’d bring her back at ‘the time he said’ which was 5. So you knew at the outset, despite not agreeing. So why the histrionics? I don’t get it.

You sound almost hysterical. There may well be good reason for that but it’s diffidukt to tell if your panic is reasonable or not because we have no facts. It’s not good for anyone though, esp baby. I agree you should see a solicitor, if it’s dangerous for her to be with him then contact will stop or be supervised as per courts and the law. They don’t take risks with violence towards kids so why have they not intervened already?

If she isn’t in danger, and if it’s just you two arguing over who has the upper hand over who makes decisions about contact, then maybe you need to both grow up, stop playing games and do what’s best for your baby. You chose to have a baby with this man, if it’s not dangerous for her to be with her father then you need to be mature about it. It is in her best interests to have a relationship with both parents, even if you don’t want her to. And her best interests are paramount.That means calming down, behaving rationally and putting her interests in a relationship with both parents before your obvious hatred for him.

If what you say is true, and he’s a danger to her, then your solicitor will do an emergency court application for an interim order. If they can’t do that it’s because they don’t see him as a danger, and you need to accept that and find a way to work with him. You won’t have control over your daughter, her routines and life when she’s not with you, but no one can if they split up with the other parent. That’s sad but inevitable. You will need to let go while she’s not with you.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 01/07/2018 18:01

My ex was exactly like this. I stopped contact. I had about 3 months of him threatening me with court etc but nothing ever came of it. He hasn’t seen her for nearly 4 years now.

pandamodium · 01/07/2018 18:17

I'd just stop contact personally.

I did my DD is doing much better, my mental health is better. About a year after doing so DD disclosed physical abuse.

He threatened me with court and too kill me etc for about 6 month. He's scared of DH so won't come near the house otherwise I'd take them more seriously.

I honestly hope he dies so he can't cause her any more fear.

Original poster
scoobydoobydooo · 01/07/2018 18:21

Yes I can see that without the background, it seems as though I am being hysterical and overreacting.

The reason for only offering him five hours rather than 7 hours are because he has barely seen her, on top of the state she comes back in, plus him not giving basic information as to where she has been or when she has been fed/napped. Today is a good example of the fact that he cannot or will not take care of her basic needs.

Despite me offering contact, making her available etc. I have been beyond reasonable, he is the one who constantly fucks about, and he does it not because he gives a shit about her (he never showed any interest in her when we were still together) but to make my life even more difficult than he already has. He has been on a sustained campaign to completely destroy my life, and again, that may sound hysterical without the back story. He was violent towards me on a number of occasions, owes me a substantial amount of money, and seems to enjoy fucking with my head, and being able to control me through her.

Yes he did say 5 as he walked off, but I confirmed with him that it would be 3. It was only I had handed her over her he said five. He has never had her for more than a few hours before.

I do appreciate that something like missing a feed or not giving her water is not the end of the world, but in this heat?

I have suggested mediation to get things sorted, but again I have been shot down. He constantly manipulates me and the situation it seems for his own amusement, he seems to get a kick out of seeing me suffer.

Yes I did have a baby with this person, and if someone had told me even at Christmas that my life would end up like this, I would have laughed and told them not to be so ridiculous. The signs were there, I chose to ignore them. Hindsight is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

Anyway, thank you all for the advice and so on, I really have appreciated it.

OP posts:
Jux · 01/07/2018 18:21

X-posted.

Glad she's back. Of course he's 'lost' the contact book if it details all those th8ngs. Good that you have them in your diary too. If the contact book is resurrected then only record times dates and places. Keep the other stuff separately where he won't see it.

Original poster
scoobydoobydooo · 01/07/2018 18:21

Pandamonium I echo your sentiment in the last last of your post.

OP posts:
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