Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to do with a racist grandmother...

179 replies

Ginismyfriendx · 30/06/2018 22:27

I'll try and keep this short....
After a few years single, have met the most wonderful man and am at the point of introducing him to my family. Ideal situation would be a family BBQ next weekend. However.... New Man is black, and grandmother is quite racist. When I say racist, I don't think she'd say anything, but she would worry herself non stop. She's mid 90's and has advanced heart failure so sadly she's not going to be with us much longer. I'm the youngest grandchild -and favourite- and she had a lot to do with me growing up. She's far too old to change her opinions and I'm of the opinion just to not tell her, or introduce her, to New Man and ask family to do likewise. I don't want whatever time she has left worrying herself to death that I'm going to be beaten / murdered (which is exactly what she would think).

Even writing this feels wrong and colluding with racism, and how on earth I'd try and explain it to NM. But is it worth distressing a very old, very ill, person who will not change her opinion? Despite everything, she is my granny and I love the old bat to bits.

OP posts:
JennieLee · 30/06/2018 22:34

I think you should take your boyfriend to the barbecue. If he's as nice as you say he is, it is an opportunity for her to reconsider her opinions. And if, she doesn't immediately take to him it sounds as if she doesn't have much time to fret. If she is that ill, she will have more important things to think about anyway.

LankinMcElf · 30/06/2018 22:35

Aaaaah tricky. You are not going to change her views that’s for sure but your new boyf must feel a bit pissed off. If this guy’s important to you I say go with the introduction to the family at the BBQ. you don’t have to spell it out to GM. You don’t have to inform her that you are shagging. Most bigoted (sorry) old people kid themselves they aren’t a couple, she’s not a lesbian etc etc.
Don’t hide your new bloke

WorraLiberty · 30/06/2018 22:36

She sounds like a drama queen as well as a racist.

Tbh I wouldn't pay any mind to her thoughts and opinions.

KittyVonCatsworth · 30/06/2018 22:39

Take him but warn him xx

BlueBug45 · 30/06/2018 22:41

Warn your fella about your grandmother in advance and tell him the rest of your family are fine. Then take him to the BBQ.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 22:42

Take him, why should her wishes and feelings be put above your boyfriend. If I was your boyfriend, I would be very hurt and upset that you have excluded me from a family BBQ because you are ashamed of what your family think of me, and you don't want to rock the boat. That would be a dealbreaker for me if I were your boyfriend.

Racecardriver · 30/06/2018 22:43

I wouldn't introduce him tbh. Are you sure thought that she is actually that racist?

Original poster
Ginismyfriendx · 30/06/2018 22:44

She's not a drama queen, she just has nothing to do with her day but sit and fret. I went to London for a weekend (I'm from quite a rural area), and when I get home I had 9 missed calls from her because she was so worried about me being down 'amongst all sorts'

She's actually a very kind woman, who smothers me with her love for me. If it was 10 years ago I would absolutely go with the 'introduce him and she'll realise her views are wrong', but it really is too late for that

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 30/06/2018 22:45

I’d explain to my partner that grant was unfortunately a bigot but at her age she’s unlikely to change and despite that you love her. Many grannies and parents find a reason not to like prospective spouses but committed couples work around that.
If she makes any comments just laugh and say “Og granny I know you’re old and set in your ways but racist comments are not acceptable nowadays”. Don’t entertain a debate.

Notevilstepmother · 30/06/2018 22:46

Have you tried asking him? Maybe he should get a choice if he wants to meet her or not?

I’m not convinced she is too old to change her mind. But I wouldn’t put him through meeting her if he didn’t want to.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 22:46

I totally agree with Cherry.

Original poster
Ginismyfriendx · 30/06/2018 22:48

It's absolutely not that I'm ashamed AT ALL. My concern is that's she's quite ill and it would worry her so much - goes without saying she's worrying about nothing, but she would.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 30/06/2018 22:49

Explain to him what she's like, and that the family will all welcome him. Maybe once she's met him, you can chat to her and try to allay her fears. Poor old girl, she doesn't understand.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 22:50

I would do what Cherry has said, and ask him also if he would like to meet her. Explain the situation to him, and tell him she is racist and set in her ways, there is a family BBQ where she will be, would he like to go. He might not do if he feels unwelcome and somebody might be racist.

rickandmorts · 30/06/2018 22:51

In your shoes I honestly wouldn't tell her. No point worrying her!!

NameChangedForThisQ · 30/06/2018 22:52

I third the idea of asking him! I don't think this is your decision to make tbh. Let him know that she is racist and see whether he wants to come or not.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 30/06/2018 22:53

I’d also warn your bf but, (and I’m really sorry to say this about an elderly woman), I’d have very limited sympathy for you grandma’s sensibilities. So take him if he can stomach meeting a racist. I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to though tbh.

I don’t think age is an excuse for racism. My grandma was born in the early twenties and lived in somewhere not terribly cosmopolitan in the north of England. Even she had met black people there by the time she was in her late teens / early twenties and was anything but racist. If she’d been convinced that all black men were violent murderers Hmm, (which she absolutely did not), she was someone I was close enough to say “catch yourself on” to.

Dh’s grandad has come out with some seriously dodgy stuff, (sexist more than racist), and I always challenge him on it, as politely as possible.

Dementia or other illness aside, I don’t see why anyone should just accept that so and so’s a big racist / sexist / whatever, just because they’re older.

OlennasWimple · 30/06/2018 22:54

I'm sorry, I've got "What shall we do with a racist grandma" (to the tune of the drunken sailor song) stuck in my head now...

Anyway, I agree with the pp who say to take him but warn him in advance and give him the option to not go if it would make him feel too uncomfortable

Eminado · 30/06/2018 22:54

How are you going to deal with racism towards your boyfriend in future?

I am really sorry but I would end the relationship if someone treated me the way you are planning to treat your boyfriend.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 22:57

I also agree with Emindo, what if other family members were racist, how would you deal with that, would you hide him away. You need to think about it.

BMW6 · 30/06/2018 23:00

Tell her he's black, if she has a problem speak now to you , warn him she's racist. Ash him if he'd still like to attend or would he rather you both went elsewhere. Stand your ground.

Original poster
Ginismyfriendx · 30/06/2018 23:01

If I took NM, I can 99% predict how she would react. She'd go very quiet, not say anything to him, and then call me later. So I actually don't think he'd realise (as the rest of my family aren't like that - full credit to my father for growing up in that environment but being completely not racist). So from that point of view, I get don't want to upset him over something that he wouldn't notice (she'd just take refuge in pretending to be deaf as she does with anything she doesn't like)

OP posts:
RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 30/06/2018 23:03

Jesus, how do you even deal with this person? I don’t think I could stand it tbh. You’re being very tolerant... of her intolerance!

Original poster
Ginismyfriendx · 30/06/2018 23:04

Anyone else, of course I'd challenge it, but what's the point with an ill 94 year old who's never going to change her opinion.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 30/06/2018 23:07

Poor old girl, she doesn't understand

My grandmas would both be older than this if alive and they would be pleased that I had met someone who made me happy.It is not her age that makes her racist.

Your respect for your partners has to take priority over your gran's racism and completely unfounded worrying. You can't collude with your family behind his back if you are genuinely serious about him. She is racist

I don't want whatever time she has left worrying herself to death that I'm going to be beaten / murdered (which is exactly what she would think)

This is truly appalling attitude by the way and you need to challenge it. Even at her age she can open her mind. Its not impossible. It sounds like she will worry about you whatever happens and at least you can show her you have found someone you love who makes you happy.