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Original poster

What to do with a racist grandmother...

179 replies

Ginismyfriendx · 30/06/2018 22:27

I'll try and keep this short....
After a few years single, have met the most wonderful man and am at the point of introducing him to my family. Ideal situation would be a family BBQ next weekend. However.... New Man is black, and grandmother is quite racist. When I say racist, I don't think she'd say anything, but she would worry herself non stop. She's mid 90's and has advanced heart failure so sadly she's not going to be with us much longer. I'm the youngest grandchild -and favourite- and she had a lot to do with me growing up. She's far too old to change her opinions and I'm of the opinion just to not tell her, or introduce her, to New Man and ask family to do likewise. I don't want whatever time she has left worrying herself to death that I'm going to be beaten / murdered (which is exactly what she would think).

Even writing this feels wrong and colluding with racism, and how on earth I'd try and explain it to NM. But is it worth distressing a very old, very ill, person who will not change her opinion? Despite everything, she is my granny and I love the old bat to bits.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 23:53

From where I am standing, she does not sound very nice.

Metoodear · 30/06/2018 23:53

I just think some people are not ment to date interacially

It’s not just getting together their are lots of things to consider.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 23:55

So what are you going to do op? Have you decided?

Arum51 · 30/06/2018 23:58

I can understand why she's not going to change her ways. But it's something you have to think about, if you're going to get into a relationship with a black guy. You know she won't change, but you can't make excuses for her to NM, nor can you expect him to want contact with her, or to be kept as your little secret.

So you need to talk to him, and also to have a hard think about how you're actually going to take this forward. You've never been affected by racism before. You've been able to excuse your gran's racism up until now (and you're still doing it, tbh) but if you're in an inter racial relationship, I'm afraid that racism is now your problem too.

Original poster
Ginismyfriendx · 01/07/2018 00:03

I'm going to speak to him.

It's not an easy conversation but this is someone who has unfailingly been there for me, and on my side, for my entire life. Going NC as someone said is just not an option. I'm not going to break the heart of a 94 year old with heart failure who was there for me when quite often my parents weren't.

After I speak to him, I'm going to speak to her before the BBQ and try and make her understand.

Then go from there I guess.

OP posts:
sugarnotsweetener · 01/07/2018 00:04

Given her health complaint has she seriously never come across a black nurse, doctor, consultant or anyone in the nhs? She seriously would know that the view of them being rapists or murderers is not true. I’m not saying you’re lying obviously but I think you should just tell her because surely she sees the news and sees that people from all races commit these crimes.
Surely she doesnt think the entire population of London is black.

Talk to your gran ASAP, emphasise how wonderful he is. Then prewarn your poor bf.

Stillme1 · 01/07/2018 00:05

I have read this through and I cant understand the animosity towards a very elderly lady who is extremely ill.
What younger people do not seem to understand is that older people have lived in very different times. I am no where near your Granny's age but when I was at school there was only 1 Asian boy in a large school of about 2000 pupils.

I have never dated a man who was black or Asian. I don't really know anyone. I am perfectly willing to talk to anyone and would wait to find out the character before I made a judgement on whether I should be friendly with an individual
In a slightly older age group than me I know of 2 people who married outside their own religion and were no longer welcome in the family home. I thought that so strange. My friend went to a different school from me and that seemed strange too.
The sibling who left after taking up with someone who was not the same as themselves could have been with anyone such as French or Italian or Greek. All of those were foreign back in those days.
I had a FIL who told his son my then H to control his wife. I am not a woman to be controlled by a man. We all have problems!
For those who are showing such animosity to a very elderly woman is racism worse than ageism?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/07/2018 00:07

That's good, it's one of the difficult tasks you have to do, when you have an interracial relationship.

Arum51 · 01/07/2018 00:07

@Ginismyfriendx

Sounds like a good plan! Good luck, hope everything turns out well.

Takfujuimoto · 01/07/2018 00:08

Would she have been there for you if you were mixed race though op?

Familial love shouldn't be conditional by the colour of your skin, if you were to have a child with your new man before she died would she love them the same way she loved you?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/07/2018 00:09

It is not her age, its her views that are the issue, people are very upset about her views, and quite rightly so. This is not an age thing, not every older person will think like she does.

sugarnotsweetener · 01/07/2018 00:13

@stillme1 I went to a very large state school in a large city. In my year group there were two mixed race girls, 1 black boy and 1 Indian and 1 Pakistani. I still find it a shock to read the above.
My grandad was 86 when he died and used some words to describe race that often needed correcting as he didn’t know they were wrong but he wasn’t racist. No one is discriminating the gran so not getting the ageist suggestion you’re mentioning.

BarbarianMum · 01/07/2018 00:14

Stillme the idea that raciam is wrong has been mainstream for a very long time now. If the OPs gran has spent the last 40 years refusing to take this on board that was an active choice that she's made and she wasnt a frail 94 year old when she made it either.

Would I cut her off if I was the OP? No. Would I still love her? Yes. Would I subject my black boyfriend to her? Not without his consent. Would I put up with her racist claptrap? No, I'd put the phone down if she started any "Im so worried" crap.

justilou1 · 01/07/2018 00:16

Definitely talk to them both. You love them both and surely you could offer them the chance to make the choice for themselves... even grandma must know that times have changed....

Original poster
Ginismyfriendx · 01/07/2018 00:17

@stillme1 I'm in my late 30's and first time I met anyone who wasn't white was at university. Not that far away from where the family lived in the 40's was a POW camp so I have wondered if the 'wog' was German or Italian

@sugar - valid point. There's at least one GP in the village surgery who is Indian.

OP posts:
Cliveybaby · 01/07/2018 00:19

Aw that's a tough one op. I think you're right to talk to him about it first.
to be honest, I think it might be an idea to talk to your gran about it before the party as well. Tell her how nice this guy is, set her mind at rest?

Iflyaway · 01/07/2018 00:22

I agree. It's not an age thing.

My mum, who died at 92 adored my biracial child, as did my dad and they did loads of school holiday childcare when I had to work.

Battleax · 01/07/2018 00:24

Wow.

There’s a lot of these “dilemmas about racism” threads about lately.

1forAll74 · 01/07/2018 00:25

I think that your plan to speak to your Gran before the BBQ is the best you can do. You need to tell her outright about your new man. Despite your Gran being very dear to you, its not good that you are having to feel anxious about her ways of thinking about everything.

Many years ago,my late ex husband left me,and married a West Indian woman,and well remember the awful comments from some older family members.

HappyLollipop · 01/07/2018 00:26

I think you need to warn you boyfriend and tell your grandma to be nice to him which it sounds like you will be doing. I know it'll be sad for you when she passes as she sounds like she was a good grandmother to you but honestly I'm glad that people of that generation who think like that won't be around for too much longer.

Battleax · 01/07/2018 00:27

“Of course he’s not violent.”

“The W word is very offensive.”

“You’re only worrying about these things because you have outdated, prejudiced ideas.”

“No absolutely no need to worry. I’m very happy. He’s a lovely man.”

“I can’t teally have this conversation if you’re going to say such hurtful racist, things.”

There. Easy.

Nobody has ever died of having their bigotry politely but firmly challenged.

MistressDeeCee · 01/07/2018 00:28

If you exclude him then he should dump you

I bet if shoe was on the other foot and he had a racist grandma and used this as an excuse to exclude you, you'd be squawking.

This world isn't pretty - you're with a black man, get used to it and stand by your man. Or, leave him alone

SIL is white (Cornish), both her mother and grandmother are racist. She took not a blind bit of notice of their views. 19 years and 2 DCs later they're still together.

You don't have the right mindset for an inter-racial relationship.

Battleax · 01/07/2018 00:33

Good, that's that one solved.

Anybody else overheard anything unlikely in a waiting room? Or worried about handshaking?

Takfujuimoto · 01/07/2018 00:34

You could argue that she's old enough to know better.
Surely someone who experienced family discord and never saw a family member again because of something as trivial as the skin colour of someone they loved has had plenty of time to realise how foolish it was to lose her sister over that?
92 years old and she's had what? Probably 60+ years of no contact with her sister because she loved a black man?

Are you actually more concerned she won't love you anymore if she knows you've done the same as her shamed sister?

adayatthebeach · 01/07/2018 00:41

The poor woman is OLD. Anything inappropriate might come out of her mouth. I’d not want my partner to be around someone who might embarrass him.