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Original poster

What to do with a racist grandmother...

179 replies

Ginismyfriendx · 30/06/2018 22:27

I'll try and keep this short....
After a few years single, have met the most wonderful man and am at the point of introducing him to my family. Ideal situation would be a family BBQ next weekend. However.... New Man is black, and grandmother is quite racist. When I say racist, I don't think she'd say anything, but she would worry herself non stop. She's mid 90's and has advanced heart failure so sadly she's not going to be with us much longer. I'm the youngest grandchild -and favourite- and she had a lot to do with me growing up. She's far too old to change her opinions and I'm of the opinion just to not tell her, or introduce her, to New Man and ask family to do likewise. I don't want whatever time she has left worrying herself to death that I'm going to be beaten / murdered (which is exactly what she would think).

Even writing this feels wrong and colluding with racism, and how on earth I'd try and explain it to NM. But is it worth distressing a very old, very ill, person who will not change her opinion? Despite everything, she is my granny and I love the old bat to bits.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginismyfriendx · 30/06/2018 23:11

@rhubarb oh she's terrible. She's got more and more stubborn as she's got older, there's not telling her anything. But she also picked me up every single day from school and gave me my tea. When I got myself in financial troubles in my early 20's I stayed with her and she would put my electric blanket on every night and wait up for me if I went out. It's not as easy as 'oh she's a nasty racist'. She's just very ignorant of a lot of things.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 30/06/2018 23:12

What does your boyfriend say? Maybe he doesn't want to meet her? Maybe he would like you to grow a spine and stand up to her - you don't have to change her mind but neither do you have to listen to any of her racist blather either.

I honestly think if you're not prepared to draw the lines you've got no business being in an interracial relationship.

POPholditdown · 30/06/2018 23:12

Given your last update I think you should take him as he hopefully won’t feel uncomfortable if the rest of your family are ok. If she frets and rambles afterwards, can you find a way to just brush it off, say something like ‘oh don’t be silly’ and change the subject.

LizJones · 30/06/2018 23:14

I'd warn him. Take him and let her act deaf

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 23:15

I would be open and honest with him about racist gran, ask him what he wants to do. Hopefully he will not want to be near a racist person so will be a no. If he does want to go, than yiu need to deal with that like a grown adult. Other family members need to support you.

Arum51 · 30/06/2018 23:17

Is this the first time you've ever dated a black person? Because you are going to come up against racism towards him a lot, it's not unique to your grandma. You are not going to be able to run away from it, excuse it or cover it up forever.

You really, really do need to tell your boyfriend about this, and leave the decision up to him. Whether you believe he'll 'notice' or not (he almost certainly will) is irrelevant. It's his choice whether or not he wants to play happy families with a racist who thinks he's going to murder her beloved granddaughter. This really isn't your decision to make. If you're going to date a black person, you can't just go round making decisions about what level of racism should be comfortable for him!

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 23:17

Not being open with him and just keeping it hush hush from him and her, is no way to deal with it, if yiur boyfriend ever found out, he might be very hurt.

welshmist · 30/06/2018 23:20

She is old, ill and not likely to change. If she had a heart attack, stroke, would you blame yourself? Would others blame you?

Original poster
Ginismyfriendx · 30/06/2018 23:20

@arum51 that's hit home. Especially the last sentence. You're absolutely right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginismyfriendx · 30/06/2018 23:21

@welshmist I would blame myself.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2018 23:23

Darling, you can't live to 94 and not know how to deal with upset and adversity. You need to show your PARTNER that you love and support him, and your grandmother will deal with it, I assure you.

welshmist · 30/06/2018 23:23

Then talk to your boyfriend, he sounds lovely and would not like to be blamed either I expect. You can decide together what to do for the best.

MmeButtox · 30/06/2018 23:25

Oh god I misread it and thought your gran was worried that you as a couple would have to fear racial abuse, not that she was likely to be racist! Yikes!

Takfujuimoto · 30/06/2018 23:27

It's not your fault she's a racist op.

Either she can use this as probably her last life lesson or the shock of it may push her further to the end of her mortal coil.

I think you should be honest with your partner and see what he says, don't lead him blindly into an awkward situation.

Good luck though, this probably won't be the last time you encounter racism in this relationship or people who can't cope with interracial relationships unfortunately.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 30/06/2018 23:31

She's just very ignorant of a lot of things

This is her chance to learn then isn't it?

OP, my father is 92 and often makes very disrespectful remarks about women, "what a fat arse" etc etc. I never let him get away with it and tell him it's not acceptable, it's fat shaming etc. He doesn't like it when I challenge him and feigns not being able to understand so it gets a bit heated, but if he had a heart attack the next day I would NOT think it was my fault!

Ontheboardwalk · 30/06/2018 23:33

I have an elderly relative who makes general racist comments (and gets pulled up every time). When they meet anyone from every walk of life they are actually nice to the person. It’s the idea they don’t like rather than the actual person.

You love her, she loves you. Can you all meet up before the BBQ

HotSauceCommittee · 30/06/2018 23:35

Please don’t treat your boyfriend like a dirty secret. Tell him what’s going on with your grandmother and let him make him own decisions. By not doing this, you would be colluding in racism and pandering to it.
Ok, gran might worry, but you have to tell her, “he’s a human being” and that he’s done nothing wrong. Kindly shut down her negative talk about him with this a tell her you are fond of him and that you don’t want to hear unkind words about someone she doesn’t even know when you know how loving and supportive she’s been towards you. You are the grown up now, OP. Time to steel yourself.

whiteroseredrose · 30/06/2018 23:36

Just what ontheboardwalk said. My DGM was also openly racist for a number of reasons but was actually great with people she knew personally. That was different for some reason.

Metoodear · 30/06/2018 23:40

Eminado

How are you going to deal with racism towards your boyfriend in future?

I am really sorry but I would end the relationship if someone treated me the way you are planning to treat your boyfriend.i am black and all I can say is this above their is only one answer if you wish to date black or Asian men of a family member is tasing you try to educate if not then NC no matter how old or close in relation my mil is a rasict dh has gone non contact until either she comes to her senses or we shall carry on how we her with NC

Metoodear · 30/06/2018 23:41

i am black and all I can say is this above their is only one answer if you wish to date black or Asian men of a family member is tasing you try to educate if not then NC no matter how old or close in relation my mil is a rasict dh has gone non contact until either she comes to her senses or we shall carry on how we her with NC

Arum51 · 30/06/2018 23:41

@Ginismyfriendx Hope you didn't think I was being mean, but you did sound a bit naive here! While this may be your first go on this ride, NM's been black his whole life. Do you seriously think he won't pick up on granny's discomfort? Or that everyone is anxious, worried that she'll say something? Or that some people are annoyed, because "you're upsetting poor grandma, and she's so old!"? Your plan to walk NM into the middle of this, without his knowledge or consent, was... not a good one.

Don't make choices about racism on black people's behalf, is all I'm saying. And, when you're telling NM about granny, I'd strongly advise dialling back on the whole "Well apart from the virulent racism which makes her believe you're a violent psychopath because of the colour of your skin, she's a lovely, lovely old lady!" thing!

Metoodear · 30/06/2018 23:44

Arum51

Is this the first time you've ever dated a black person? Because you are going to come up against racism towards him a lot, it's not unique to your grandma. You are not going to be able to run away from it, excuse it or cover it up forever.

this in 2018 me and my husband face this all the time you give people a chance of rectify their mistake if not NC i am afraid but your plan is to hide him from your rasict family so not to cause a awkward sceneConfused

Original poster
Ginismyfriendx · 30/06/2018 23:45

Gran is one of 12 siblings. Until my dad did his family tree we thought it was 11. The missing one 'got off with a wog' is all we ever found out (married, had a child, lived in sin?? no idea). Given that side of the family I'm just so grateful that my father saw through it, and I was bought up away from that hatred. But that's the level of racism my grandmother has / grew up with. She has no interest in trying to find her little sister (have tentively raised this in the past) so trying to educate her at this point is pointless. The whole thing is so bloody sad, as she also worries herself that I don't have a man to look after me.

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 30/06/2018 23:49

God, I would have cut her off long ago. She sounds racist and emotionally manipulative.

Metoodear · 30/06/2018 23:51

Sorry trying to justify your position no matter how old the principal still stands it’s unlikely if your serious about this guy or indeed dating any other person who is non white you can have Contact with rasicts

This is rule 101 of interracial relationships

Your likey to have to cut some people out
Often family but sontomes friends

When you have kids with somone who is not white it’s also likey you may have to cut a bit more dead wood

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