What to do with a racist grandmother...

[Ginismyfriendx]

I'll try and keep this short....
After a few years single, have met the most wonderful man and am at the point of introducing him to my family. Ideal situation would be a family BBQ next weekend. However.... New Man is black, and grandmother is quite racist. When I say racist, I don't think she'd say anything, but she would worry herself non stop. She's mid 90's and has advanced heart failure so sadly she's not going to be with us much longer. I'm the youngest grandchild -and favourite- and she had a lot to do with me growing up. She's far too old to change her opinions and I'm of the opinion just to not tell her, or introduce her, to New Man and ask family to do likewise. I don't want whatever time she has left worrying herself to death that I'm going to be beaten / murdered (which is exactly what she would think).

Even writing this feels wrong and colluding with racism, and how on earth I'd try and explain it to NM. But is it worth distressing a very old, very ill, person who will not change her opinion? Despite everything, she is my granny and I love the old bat to bits.

It's not an age thing at all, and it really irritates me when age is used as an excuse. My father is 80, his mother would be 104 if she was still here, they were a very white family until my dad married a black lady in the late 60's, up until this point my father's family hadn't had any contact with people of another ethnicity. My dad had three mixed race children, and my grandmother and then great grandmother got on fine with this change.
They didn't sit there worrying that one of their daughter in law's brothers would be a rapist or murderer. Age is absolutely not an excuse, neither is never having met a person with a different skin tone.

Now my dad went on to have a second marriage with my mum who was white. She's a lot younger and I would say is racist especially against Asians and Indians, there's no excuse for it, and I went on to marry a man whose father is Indian. My mother wouldn't let the comments go and now I have a son who is classed as mixed race and looks very Indian. Because of this and that I didn't want to ever condone any sort of racism we are now completely no contact with my racist mother.

The person you are with could become your family, you could end up having a mixed race child and when you think like that, and think of someone behaving like that towards your child or judging them purely on their skin tone and nothing else surely you can see how wrong that attitude is and there is absolutely no excuse for it.

My uncle said something similar one time when I was a teenager. He said he wouldn't want his future (theoretical, as he has sons) daughter dating a black man.

Just explain and ask him if he still wants to come or not. I'd probably rather he didn't come though.

I haven't read all the replies but just wanted to say just tell your new man what granny is like.

My DP is mixed race and deals with racism every fucking day, your NM will too, and it will be if no shock to him that a 90 year old white woman could have racists views.

Your grandma loves you. It's quite possible she will manage to love your new man, because he is your choice and you love each other, while continuing to hate all the immigrants and black people.

At prep school my headmistress was an awful South African woman who believed apartheid was a wonderful thing. But when we had 2 black pupils from the local US airbase, she thought they were great and spent most of her time sucking up to their parents - they were the most popular kids in school.

As a previous poster said, you can carry on hating black people while liking this one black person. Tis v odd.

Given that he has been Black all his life, and dealt with people like this, my guess is he'd notice.
Tell him, including what her reaction would be, he decides. Not you.

Yes, she may like your partner 'anyway' as an individual. If so, that makes your life easier as long as conversations stays away from generalisations. But defintely warn him of her history since if she acts up all you'll be able to do is damage control after the fact

Frankly if this is stressful for her that will be entirely HER fault for being a racist.
I feel sorry for your BF. I'd dump you over this. Don't expect sympathy from him over this. Yabu

Thelions, dump op over what exactly! She is going to talk to her boyfriend about gran and the BBQ, and leave the decision to him to go. Meanwhile she is going to sit down and talk to gran. Read ops posts.

Nothing sensible to add but the title of this thread has now got me humming 'What shall we do with a racist granny, what shall we do with a racist granny....'

Seriously op, I hope you manage to sort it out so both you and NM are comfortable.

Sorry LaCont - that's my fault. It's quite catchy, isn't it? A bit of an earworm.

One of my own ways of tackling racism is to laugh at (never with) it. Hence the song mentioned upthread.

I think this is why many more people don’t date outside their race because the reality is they know they would have to go non contact

I don't think age is an excuse or justification. My mother was 96 when she died two years ago but she was never racist.

I would just say to nm "My gran is a bit wary of people of different ethnicities, she is 90 and it was like that in her time, but she has heart failure, so please don't challenge her." as for your dgm "Gran, I love you... but, I am courting a black man, he is very very nice and I think if you give him a chance you will like him, I am bringing him to the bbq, please, please, I beseech you to be nice, for me?" Good luck!

Blackbelt actually I'd skimmed the thread so hadn't spotted that! Great minds, clearly

I can't wait until all the posters here are 94 and young people are saying how horrible they are for their outdated beliefs.

OP, having an elderly parent I know exactly what you mean. She'd probably worry if he were a divorcee or had never married. I bet if she meets him she'll think he's lovely - it'll be "all the other ones" who are bad.

Most of the racism of this generation is ignorance pure and simple. Imagine you grew up in a world where black people (or anyone different) were simply not part of it in any way shape or form. Of course you're going to believe what you've been told because you don't know any better.

And the best way to confront that ignorance is by introducing your grandmother to your BF.

As for the rest of you, take time off from polishing your halos to think about the world the OP's grandmother grew up in and understand where she's coming from because it is only by tackling the roots of this ignorance that you fight racism.

I agree with PPs that you should talk to your boyfriend about your Granny. It should be his decision whether he goes or not. You're right that she's unlikely to change her views at her age, but that doesn't mean you should pander to her when she's plainly in the wrong.

Most of the racism of this generation is ignorance pure and simple. Imagine you grew up in a world where black people (or anyone different) were simply not part of it in any way shape or form. Of course you're going to believe what you've been told because you don't know any better.

You do know that it wasn’t that whole generation that were racist? Stop trying to normalise nastiness.

I've been in your boyfriend's situation.

Thus far, your boyfriend's only 'crime' is that he was born a colour that your grandmother doesn't like.

Why the Hell are you trying to pacify her?

By not telling Gran/telling family not to tell her, you're, unwittingly, colluding in her ridiculousness and making it into a bigger deal than it is.

He's black, so what? If she wants to attach negativity to that, there isn't a lot you can do.

As for the rest of you, take time off from polishing your halos to think about the world the OP's grandmother grew up in and understand where she's coming from because it is only by tackling the roots of this ignorance that you fight racism.

Get down off your high horse. It’s decades since the childhood of a ninety year old. My grandparents were of that generation and were exposed to the normal empire day and jingoistic nonsense. Nobody’s been in stasis since then. One of my DGD’s used to sometimes use iffy vocabulary for various things (kraut, nip, coloured). You just open your mouth and say “we don’t say that any more. You’ll upset someone I’d you say that.” A fundamentally decent person will try to learn and correct themselves.

Definitely not the whole generation that’s racist. Really insulting and ageist to suggest it is.

My grandmother is the daughter of immigrants, lived in India and has still come out with some very racist crap - she's been challenged on it and hasn't changed. She's 99 now and not in great health so she's not going to change now.

I don't think I'd go NC with someone I'd had a good relationship with despite their views and who doesn't have much time left. In the case of my GM I didn't have a great relationship with her so it's a bit different.

I agree that the right way forward is for the OP to have an honest conversation with her NM about her GM's ingrained racism. As others have said, dealing with racism is unlikely to be new to him. He needs to be given the option of whether or not to meet her, and they need to agree how to handle it if he wants to go ahead.

Then the OP needs to have an honest conversation with her GM. She should talk about her NM as a person and as a black person, and there should be no apology for him. I understand she needs reassurance because she is irrationally fearful, elderly and unwell, and that is OK. I would however also acknowledge her racist views, and say that she is welcome to meet him but only if she gave me her word that she would treat him with respect and kindly. I would do this ASAP because it will be a shock to her, her initial response may not be good, and she will need time to process it. If she's a royalist, does she know that the Queen has recently welcomed her new mixed race daughter-in-law with open arms? Does she think Meghan is going to club Harry over the head and run off with the Crown Jewels?!

I would tell her how much I love her and how important she is to me, and ask her if she wants to repeat the past - the loss of a family member who 'married out' - or does she want to do things differently with you?

I know you've thought about keeping him a secret, but IME beloved creaky gate relatives can go on almost forever, thank God. Do you want to live a lie? Her reaction will tell you all you and your NM need to know about whether to see her as a couple. I hope she surprises you, OP. If you stay with this NM, you'll be dealing with plenty more racism I imagine, but it's more difficult so close to home. That's families for you, unfortunately - we wouldn't always choose them or their views. I feel sorry for your GM that she remains so closed off in this way.

The best of luck to you and NM.

She could live 6 more years in that state. Will you ban him from family events till 2023?

Battleax and RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb Where did I say her grandmother's views were acceptable or normal or thought by the entire generation? I said they were understandable for that time and education was needed.

Most people of that generation have learnt that the views they were brought up with were wrong. Most learnt this by mixing with people and discovering that their fear and preconceptions are wrong. That's what people like the OP's grandmother needs to do, not have black people kept away from her.

OnlyMakeBelieve - I'm already being challenged for my horrible outdated beliefs, thank you. I'm the parent of teenagers.