What to do with a racist grandmother...

[Ginismyfriendx]

I'll try and keep this short....
After a few years single, have met the most wonderful man and am at the point of introducing him to my family. Ideal situation would be a family BBQ next weekend. However.... New Man is black, and grandmother is quite racist. When I say racist, I don't think she'd say anything, but she would worry herself non stop. She's mid 90's and has advanced heart failure so sadly she's not going to be with us much longer. I'm the youngest grandchild -and favourite- and she had a lot to do with me growing up. She's far too old to change her opinions and I'm of the opinion just to not tell her, or introduce her, to New Man and ask family to do likewise. I don't want whatever time she has left worrying herself to death that I'm going to be beaten / murdered (which is exactly what she would think).

Even writing this feels wrong and colluding with racism, and how on earth I'd try and explain it to NM. But is it worth distressing a very old, very ill, person who will not change her opinion? Despite everything, she is my granny and I love the old bat to bits.

Before she met ex DH, Grandmother wasn't pleased. She didn't like people from that country because of the war.
Once she met him though, it was fine.
If she loves you, she will accept and grow to love him and she may meet his family and that's another way things change.

OnlyMakeBelieve - And I wasn't on my high horse when writing my posts, but I will be later when it cools down enough for a slow walk out and a splash about in the river.

Age is just a number. Attitude, (or should that be altitude?! ) isn't.

Yes, down with all Ryans

As PPs have said, racism has not been acceptable for at least the last 40 years so she’s had plenty of time to change her ways. Almost half her life.

Generally yes, but some areas have been slower to change than others. I heard a fair amount of racism from other children growing up, and I'm 41.

I agree you need to speak to both of them and if he wishes to go to the BBQ then you should.

It is not an age thing. My DGM was 92 when she passed away last year and used to spend hours on the phone to DH who is black/mixed race talking about art and life in general. She adored our mixed race children.

You need to take a stand. I have been with DH 12 years and have not only heard his stories of racially motivated attacks, but seen first hand countless incidences of racism towards him both overt and subtle. If your relationship continues you may wish to have children, who will be mixed race, they too will experience racism. You need to be strong enough to stand up for him and any future children. It is not easy, I went NC with my own mother whilst heavily pregnant because of her involvement with a group that had questionable older literature and views on race until I had clarified her understanding/involvement.

It is always good to make people challenge their own opinions. I'd say be bold and brave and walk right in. Granny ain't gonna get a heart attack. Even at 90 we are able to open our minds. Racism must not win, and racists must not let us dance to their fear. Besides, if your boyfriend is gorgeous and charming, Granny will melt. People often forget their racist ways when meeting an individual. I'd be really impressed if you go through this.

mirime

I dislike racist apologists MORE than I dislike racists.

So when would be a good time for you (and all other apologists on this thread) to challenge racism?

Do we have to catch you before 35?

I would LOVE to hear your reaction if this was your daughter/son or grandchild being treated like this.

Shame on you. And shame on you for making pitiful excuses for your racist friends.

@Eminado Woah there. I'm not an apologist and I'm not sure why you assume I am. My point was just that some areas were/are more backwards in this regard than others, and that 35 or so years ago when I was a child in infants school I heard stuff that was racist and apparently not that unacceptable in that area at that time. It was unacceptable to my parents, but they weren't from that area.

As for my grandmother, she was challenged frequently by my DF. Made not the slightest bit of difference in her beliefs. I had an argument with her once after she warned me against marrying a black man - I was 12 or 13 and had never had a boyfriend at all so I have no idea why she suddenly brought it up - and that was probably one of the reasons she considered me 'very odd'. As she's 99, very frail now and pretty much deaf and blind, I'm fairly sure any further attempts to persuade her to change her views would be even more futile than they were 20, 30, 40 years ago.

@mirime
"As she's 99, very frail now and pretty much deaf and blind, I'm fairly sure any further attempts to persuade her to change her views would be even more futile than they were 20, 30, 40 years ago."

But that doesn't mean she shouldn't be challenged. Which is my point.
There is NEVER a good time to challenge racism - never - but we all have a responsibility to do so, each and every single time. Whether it's your "dear frail grandmother" or a man in the street.

Otherwise nothing will change!

Anything less is apologist!

@Eminado she can barely hear me. Can't see me. Has to be reminded who I am. What's the point? Should I be shouting at her in the care home? As I said she's been challenged repeatedly for decades. Decades. It's not made the blindest bit of difference. I agree racist beliefs should be challenged, and challenged robustly, but yelling at someone who is essentially dying in a room full of elderly people, some with dementia and frightened enough already? There are better (and in many ways, less convenient) people to challenge.

Anyway, she's not my dear grandmother. In the past she's been highly unpleasant to me, and even more so to my DM and DSis, to the point of emotional abuse. I've largely kept in touch with her out of a sense of duty and to support my DF.

I think @Eminado is being very goady, there's no way you could be seen as an apologist for racism, @mirime . I do think, though, that none of you should feel duty bound to keep visiting your grandmother in view of how she's treated you all over the years.

@Lizzie48 thank you.

She would be on her own. Does she deserve that? You could argue that she made her bed, but the stories I've heard of her life when she was growing up... I have some sympathy for her, despite everything.

I am goady now?!

@mirime - please show me where I suggested shouting at anyone in a care home. Preferably a direct quote.

@mirime and @Lizzie48 - are you black?
Yes or no answers, nothing more.

It’s really sad that I am being called goady. It is sad and infuritating actually. I was very reasoned in my comments - what is there to be “goady” about? That statement in itself shows me how Non BME people view racism - like something black people get all worked up about but really not that big a deal.

It’s fucking annoying.
I have 2 daughters. As they are in England they may very well fall in love with someone of a different race to theirs - is this what we should expect? Old nanna will be VILE about you, but oh well, she is too old to change so just suck it up?

“He might be a murderer” - such a casual and devastating slur against a man who hasnt committed a crime that we know of.

@Lizzie48 - do you have a son? A grandson, a brother, a godson? Would you be ok with this random negative speculation about his character - by anyone?

If you can't challenge your family members on how they speak about other races then you shouldn't date interracially. Full stop. In the nicest possible way, it’s not fair on your partner. They deserve better.

@Eminado Yes, I didn't think you were at all goady. It's the whole "Why I don't talk to white people about racism anymore" thing - because they immediately decide I'm demanding that they go out to 99 yr old deaf blind women with dementia in nursing homes and scream at them.

The entire premise of this thread, that it was the OP's decision about whether or not this guy came to her family BBQ, and that he wouldn't notice the racism, and then the Plan B being to pretend he didn't exist in order to spare the feelings of the racist, is gobsmacking from someone in an inter racial relationship. Just shows how little thought some white people give to racism. And then all the mad contortions from people insisting that it's not racist to prioritise racist feelings over the feelings of a black person, because the person who owns the racist feelings is old.

No, none of these people should ever even contemplate an inter racial relationship.

Just wonder, but my mum, same age, was incredibly racist. However, if she met someone who was very pleasant and charming to her, but happened to be black, she would always respond to them as an individual and make an “exception”. Just wonder if your gran would be similar? I think I would tell the bf and invite him if he wanted to come.

I simply felt you were being very unfair on mirime. She and her parents have challenged her racist Grandma. And she isn't the one who is dating interracially. Your argument is with the OP, who, yes, did need to be challenged to confront her Grandma.

I don't have a son, no. I have 2 adopted DDs, who may very well end up with men of a different race to them. We go to a church where the majority of members are black African. I've worked for mission agencies with multi cultural teams. I grew up around African people because my parents were missionaries.

So I hate any form of racism. But you shouldn't have targeted mirime, she's someone who has taken a stand. I did gently tell her that she shouldn't feel duty bound to visit her racist Grandma, the best thing would be to go NC. But shouting at her in her nursing home wouldn't achieve anything, would it?

I do apologise for calling you goady, though. Your passion is absolutely right, we should take a stand against racism.

If my granny was still alive she'd be nearly 100. We're from rural Northern Ireland (so white we're nearly blue). I remember her rather hoping my cousin wouldn't "come home with a darkie" from her round the world trip in her 20s. The few BAME people around our neck of the woods in the 80s (and even now still) tended to be doctors. Referred to by her as "a darkie doctor, you know, but very nice and friendly" or "that darkie doctor, I didn't like him, he hurt my arm". Perhaps more the latter in her last couple of years as she lost a few marbles and became less outgoing and sunny and more self pitying and suspicious of new people in general. I think if one of us had a nice black boyfriend she would have felt faintly scandalised for a bit but not shown it, liked him and chatted away though, if her beloved grandchildren were happy.

I get where you're coming from, but are you sure you don't want her to meet him if you love her that much? And are you sure she's that racist? My mum's female cousin married a woman and didn't invite my beloved grandmother, her aunt, because she just assumed she would have a problem with it, to the wedding. However, that same grandmother was delighted to meet my, her favourite granddaughter's, female partner because she loved me and therefore it was all fine. So my cousin was worrying for nothing. And now that my grandmother has sadly died, I'm delighted I introduced my now-wife to her and they had a chance to meet and adore each other.

The entire premise of this thread, that it was the OP's decision about whether or not this guy came to her family BBQ, and that he wouldn't notice the racism, and then the Plan B being to pretend he didn't exist in order to spare the feelings of the racist, is gobsmacking from someone in an inter racial relationship

This, exactly. It's not hard to understand.

Ok update.
Have spoken to NM - explained situation. He's wonderfully supportive, partly due to his mother not approving of me as white women are 'flighty' -and reading between the lines a bit slutty-

So we're off on a joint charm offensive. Failing that we're going to lock grandmother and mother in a room together until they sort out there differences :)

Apologies to all I've offended in this thread.

That's a good update OP - He sounds like a keeper!

Was looking at this thread with mates when you posted the other day 1 said "ah, she'll come back and counteract with his family are racist too then it'll be sweet".

So said so done.

It's ok for your granny to be racist as black people are racist too