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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to do with a racist grandmother...

179 replies

Ginismyfriendx · 30/06/2018 22:27

I'll try and keep this short....
After a few years single, have met the most wonderful man and am at the point of introducing him to my family. Ideal situation would be a family BBQ next weekend. However.... New Man is black, and grandmother is quite racist. When I say racist, I don't think she'd say anything, but she would worry herself non stop. She's mid 90's and has advanced heart failure so sadly she's not going to be with us much longer. I'm the youngest grandchild -and favourite- and she had a lot to do with me growing up. She's far too old to change her opinions and I'm of the opinion just to not tell her, or introduce her, to New Man and ask family to do likewise. I don't want whatever time she has left worrying herself to death that I'm going to be beaten / murdered (which is exactly what she would think).

Even writing this feels wrong and colluding with racism, and how on earth I'd try and explain it to NM. But is it worth distressing a very old, very ill, person who will not change her opinion? Despite everything, she is my granny and I love the old bat to bits.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 01/07/2018 00:44

There isn't any point.

How long have you known him?

quizqueen · 01/07/2018 00:46

When people are labelled racist they are not necessarily against individuals but they are concerned about the millions of foreigners in our country changing it forever and not necessarily for the better.

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 00:47

For some reason, when I read the thread title, the tune of ' What Do We Do With A Drunken Sailor' went through my head. Sorry. But do try it. Sometimes OP you just have to laugh at painfully difficult situations.

Homebird8 · 01/07/2018 00:49

My great grandmother, also in her 90s, was scared stiff for me when I went to university in Liverpool. Apparently I would be murdered in my bed. She was giggled at and told not to be silly. She firmly believed it and must have been worried but it made no difference. I wouldn’t pander to it. She died seven years at 99 later of pneumonia and heat stroke not Liverpudlian murder.

I would advise a gentle but non engaging attitude. Don’t be silly grandma he’s lovely, the things you find to worry about!

Battleax · 01/07/2018 00:56

When people are labelled racist they are not necessarily against individuals but they are concerned about the millions of foreigners in our country changing it forever and not necessarily for the better.

Yes that would completely explain “got off with a wg” about an event in the 1940s* wouldn’t it? And lifelong estrangement of a sibling? All about mass migration policy?

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

RamblinRosie · 01/07/2018 01:01

OP, have you heard of cognitive dissonance?

My DM, had she lived, would be close to your DG's age, I don't think she ever met a black person until I introduced her to a black school friend, he was friends with her friend's son and a member of the school bridge club , so he was somehow "different ", as far as she was concerned he was black, but somehow he wasn't. "I don't like blacks, but John is different, he's very nice ".

Can you tell your gran how nice he's been to you, find something that connects them, so he's not her stereotypical violent criminal? And, explain to your bf, if he's a really nice guy, maybe he can see past her fear of the unknown , because that's what it is. Be gentle with her, and kind to your bf.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 01/07/2018 01:19

That is very tough OP. Frankly, and it is maybe because I am not dealing with this issue right now, I would give priority to the very ill GM, as nasty as it sounds. You only have a two GM, and this one was/is a great one regarding the love she gave. It is unfair to the BF, but they can be replaced, not the eace of mind of a lady, backward as she is, that gave you so much love and safety.

But yes, even writing that I can appreciate the aweful situation it is.

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 01:26

No, it is not age or generation. It is attitude. My late DM, a similar vintage to the OP's grandmother, was actually LESS racist than my sister. Note I do not say DSis.

I didn't hear racist attitudes at home growing up. Although the word 'coloured' was used as the terminology of the time, I heard no objections from my DM about my friendship with the only black family in the area.

When, as a young adult, I took a black pal home, DM said with great honestly 'he's NICE, isn't he? I've never actually spent time with a black person before.' She had little experience but she welcomed him, thank God.

My sister on the other hand kept her racism well hidden. An overt racist comment she made relatively recently shocked me to the core. She has passed this on to her DC too. Even now, they use the term 'coloured' and disparagingly when talking about a black person. It makes me feel sad, embarrassed and ashamed to be part of the same family. I have made my feelings clear. We grew up together and she has her positive qualities, but we have very little contact.

From the comment she made, I know that if I had married a black person and had DCs with them, exactly what my sister would have thought of me, him, and our DCs. I won't repeat it, and I wouldn't have colluded with it.

clownfaces · 01/07/2018 01:34

I have been stalled at the sentence that involved the word WOG.tell her to get to fuck

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 01/07/2018 01:37

OP I sympathise with you my darling granny is the exactly the same. She is particularly very very right wing in her beliefs and once moved home when a family of colour moved into her street.

If it was me and if it was going to cause her a lot of distress I wouldn’t introduce your BF to her as she sounds quite poorly.

clownfaces · 01/07/2018 01:39

and now I see it has been repeated. Just get to fuck with the wog references.
I am a regular on mn. Don't post that often but holy hell. I'm in a different world

clownfaces · 01/07/2018 01:43

ivegot - your 'darling granny' is a racist twat. Have a word

abilockhart · 01/07/2018 01:43

quizqueen Sun 01-Jul-18 00:46:47
When people are labelled racist they are not necessarily against individuals but they are concerned about the millions of foreigners in our country changing it forever and not necessarily for the better.

Damned Vikings followed by those dastardly Normans.

The place just hasn't been the same since.

Beansonapost · 01/07/2018 01:46

Its never too late for a shower of rain, it might spring up some seeds to change in her.

... You are never too old!

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 01:50

abil Grin

Not to mention the Irish, coming over here and taking over our potatoes.

Disclaimer: Irish roots and lover of potatoes

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 01/07/2018 01:50

@clownfaces - My darling granny is old. She would never intentionally offend anyone however she is from a different generation and was raised in a different time to the one we live in now. She hadnt met/seen a black person until her mid twenties.

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 01:54

I agree, clown, about the use of the W word on the thread. Whether a racist term for a black person, Italian POW or whoever, it shouldn't be on a mumsnet thread in 2018.

clownfaces · 01/07/2018 02:07

I typed out a long response to granny's racism but didn't post it.
I thi nk granny sounds a racist twat ok but I can't correlate her views to normal life
Blackbelt has it.

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 01/07/2018 02:22

To this day, I haven't met people from a number of different origins to my own, but I would never think them to be any less than me.

That's a lot of years these grannies have had the opportunity to change but have chosen not to.

I assume they've watched television? Read newspapers? Used the NHS?

But still?

hisdadisanabusiveprick · 01/07/2018 03:20

I have one of these grandmas. OP warn them both.

Don't spring it on her. Don't spring it on him.

My grandmother came to love my black ex husband. It hasn't helped that he was an abusive twat and now she is back to her old racist views but she also now has non white grandchildren and loves them to bits. Soon she may well be introduced to another black man by me... she will worry. I will warn him.

Maybe call her and tell her how lovely he is, how you're excited to introduce him, tell her about what lovely things he does... and then slip in, grandma I know you worry about black men so I just particularly wanted to tell you all about him before I bring him and you can see for yourself how lovely he is.

TacoLover · 01/07/2018 07:42

If she makes any comments just laugh and say “Og granny I know you’re old and set in your ways but racist comments are not acceptable nowadays”. Don’t entertain a debate.

Yes I'm sure her boyfriend will appreciate her laughing at granny's racist commentsHmm

For those who are showing such animosity to a very elderly woman is racism worse than ageism?

People are showing animosity to this woman because of her disgusting attitude. If anyone is being ageist it's you for suggesting that she is less at fault because she is old.

BillieTee · 01/07/2018 08:20

I've been the black person in this situation before and I wasn't pre warned about said bigotry. If your DP is anything like me he won't want to be in the room with a racist anyway. Let him know how you feel. I hate when age is used as an excuse for racism. She was young in the 70s, which is when my white grandfather met his now black partner. She's a racist old woman and there will be more racist old women in a hundred years time! If I was him, I would want you to say 'just to warn you my gran is a bigoted racist and might be shocked at the fact I'm with a black man. I obviously disagree with her but she's elderly and there's no point in me trying to change her now.' - his reaction will tell all. Trust me he will have been in this situation before.

JennieLee · 01/07/2018 08:30

I have a father in law in his 90s who will sometimes say unacceptable things about race. This is partly linked to quite advanced dementia - it causes disinhibition. It also means he is unable to retain new information so telling him that words or behaviour are unacceptable is not going to go anywhere. He used to work as a colonial policeman and essentially retains an 'us an them' attitude. However, he has formed a good relationship with his Indian grandson-in-law.

Toofle · 01/07/2018 08:40

OP, it's possible that your new man has a racist grandma of his own ethnicity. Do you think you should be protected from meeting her?

My own grandma was born in the 19th century. She helped her mother in their boarding house which became a haven for Indian students before WW1. Her date of birth didn't make her prejudiced.

Toofle · 01/07/2018 08:42

I should have added that the boarding house was in a large city in England.

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