I'm your Mil ask me anything

[Milfromhades]

I don't think iabu to rearrange your knicker drawer, just being helpful! Any questions on how to be a good mummy or what amount of sugar is appropriate for a 2 year old?

Why do you still speak to your 40 year old DS like he's a baby? Why do you text him about being all 'snuggly' in bed? I'm lying next to him you know!
And why do you hold a grudge against me for suggesting an easier way to plan your visits? Yet DS can do no wrong and is golden boy?

My are you such a rasict twant

I see you have been at the wine again, dear. Poor DS will have to put the dc to bed again I suppose. Tsk tsk.

How did your recent dementia evaluation go?

Silly me I forgot all about it! Still I'm sure it is fine.

Why do you still speak to your 40 year old DS like he's a baby? Why do you text him about being all 'snuggly' in bed? I'm lying next to him you know!
And why do you hold a grudge against me for suggesting an easier way to plan your visits? Yet DS can do no wrong and is golden boy?

Dear DS, bless him he certainly is a golden boy! And what mama wouldn't hope her boy is all snuggly in bed?
As for you, you designing hussy there will be no easy visits while I'm in charge. So get out of bed and give the place a good scrub before I get there.

See this is why I'd love you to my MIL, I would cope with your feisty nature, plus treat you as a queen. As you raised amazing children, they've just struggled since FIL passed. I'd obviously never compete with your cooking, or complain about anything.

Do you have a favourite DIL?

I've read the thread I can't recall if you've advised on how to be the perfect DIL.

I can confirm your FiL is ds' true father.
erm- you met FIL several years after DH was born, once you'd moved to England. I very much doubt that FIL (rest his soul) was actually DH's father. So come on, spill the beans. Let me help you out with a few (very few) reminders...
You were 18, living in Belfast. Then it all gets a bit hazy. Did you get married, or was it a quick knee-trembler round the back of the methodist church a whirlwind romance?

While we're at it - any intention of ever letting DH see his birth certificate? He's 50 now, and can probably cope with whatever info you're hiding from him.

Why do you pretend you don't smoke? We can smell it, you know.

I've read the thread I can't recall if you've advised on how to be the perfect DIL.

Good point, dear. As you know I am very easy going and wouldn't expect anyone to be perfect but its nice to have something to aim for.

To start with I'd pick a future DiL from a good family. Wealthy, and with no embarrassing skeletons in the closet. If only the Queen had advised dear Prince Charles of this with that Meghan, dearie me.
Good looks are important of course and ideally not too fond of cake, but not one of those unfortunate Vegans or some such. I'm also against anyone too religious. A steady god fearing woman is one thing, but no-one wants the bible rammed down their throat 24/7. Or in the case of Vegans, a nut cutlet.
I wouldn't expect a future DiL to be a domestic goddess but I insist on a good plain cook who knows how feed my ds properly. He likes his meat and potatoes, none of this fancy foreign muck served on a plank of wood. I blame that Jamie Oliver. Of course I will reserve the right to cook the Sunday lunch each week and I am sorry to say you will never better my Yorkshire Puddings, never mind resilience is also an important quality in a DiL, or anyone for that matter.
Cleaning is another of my fortes and I will be happy to pass on tips about that whenever I visit, or pop in unannounced for a surprise inspection visit. Do put kettle on and get out the good biscuits none of your value custard creams, .
Now when it comes to dgc I am not fussy, but a boy and a girl would be nice. Do try to remember that a solid classic name is much better than one of these odd modern things you girls dream up. If in doubt check with myself before settling on anything. Calling your daughter after me would of course be a nice gesture, but I also like flower names like Rose or Lilly not Violet though as it reminds me of that insolent Violet Smith I worked with at Woolworths before meeting your FiL, she used to laugh at my accent the snobby cow. And look at who she married, I think we can agree who had the last laugh there, Ha.
Where was I? Dgc. I advise a firm but fair approach. No favourites, definitely. But no-one can blame you if DS turns into a bit of a mummy's boy, that just shows you care.
Above all never be afraid to come to myself for advice. I'm not expecting much from you and it will be most amusing to hear of your mishaps, which I shall bring up occasionally if I ever feel you are getting a little above yourself. Don't worry, its all done in a spirit of love!

Fantastic advice.

I expect you'd love me as I can cook / clean / hold a fair conversation. Religious but would never push my views on others as that kind of thing is very individual.

Competing with you is never going to work, so I'd accept your tips with joy. Just cleaned the bathroom with bio washing powder.

Ashamed to say I got DP cheapie biccies. I hang my head and will naturally remember to stock up on a variety of M&S biscuits for you to peruse.

Thankfully slim, also fond of traditional names for potential DC. None of this modern malarkey. Follow the Royals perhaps, but naturally your opinion would be invaluable.

One discovered early that many have PFB & go crazy with the disinfectant, no chocolates / sweets rule. Moderation is completely key. Actually some pre pregnancy / during pregnancy vision that baby will only get organic food grown by ethical farmers. They soon realise it has no real impact.

I don't know about others but I feel this thread to be a Classic MN worthy post.

Thank you dear, I must say writing this thread has been a most amusing way to fill my time and I am quite pleased with some of my answers.

You do sound like a very good candidate for DiL but please remember that I may well take an irrational dislike to you since you are going to be stealing my son, as I see it.

Good morning. I feel like I'm shaping up to be a great MIL. I bleach the bathroom every day, including the ceiling (I have a special piece of apparatus). I use a solution of bleach on all my windowsills and the kitchen bin is scrubbed every day. My son doesn't know which is the dishwasher and which is the washing machine. His university room looked like an explosion in a fast food store room. Any further tips?

I feel like I'm shaping up to be a great MIL. I bleach the bathroom every day, including the ceiling (I have a special piece of apparatus).
Wonderful! I'm so proud to be inspiring the next generation of MiLs. Bleach is indeed one of my chief weapons, along with a hide like a rhinoceros and what I like to think of as a very balanced way of speaking; a sharp tongue, but a very blunt delivery. Honesty is the best policy is one of my mottos, and I just speak as I find.
You are clearly raising a fine young man who any girl would be lucky to get her hands on. I find a disapproving glare is often enough to see off all but the most persistent of these wee trollops. If all else fails a tearful reminder to DS of his poor dear Mama's weak nerves should do the trick.

Thank you for your validation thus far. I met the young lady in question and was horrified that she had no handbag, just one of those canvas totes you get with purchases in certain shops. Should I give her one of my handbags? I have a nice black pleather shoulder bag with lots of pockets. It would go with anything.

No handbag?
No I'm afraid this is a big red flag for me, and you would best best advised to have DS LTB immediately.

Thank you for your wise counsel. My thoughts exactly.

MiL I hope you say “No handbag?” in the correct Lady Bracknell tone of incredulous affronted indignation, otherwise I will lose all faith in you.

When you found out your son had cheated on me, why did you try to form a relationship with the OW and take her out to lunch?
Why don't you recognise there is something really wrong with that?
Why do you think the whole world revolves around you?
Why aren't you interested in your beautiful granddaughters?

MiL I hope you say “No handbag?” in the correct Lady Bracknell tone of incredulous affronted indignation, otherwise I will lose all faith in you.

Is there any other way to say it?

When you found out your son had cheated on me, why did you try to form a relationship with the OW and take her out to lunch?

Dearie me, I sometimes shock even myself with the things I get up to.
I suppose at the time I was thinking that poor, dear DS can't be blamed for being so attractive to women and I had better see what sort of designing harpy had got her claws into him this time. To be fair to me, I instantly hated her, and found her to be a very common sort of woman.

Why aren't you interested in your beautiful granddaughters?

It's not that I don't care about my dgd, but when a mother constantly bores on about her dc it can come across as rather boastful. I'm sure you don't mean it that way, but always remember you are a woman in your own right dear, and not just a wife and mother.

Well, she turned up with the canvas tote again, but she kindly bought flowers. She's a vegetarian and doesn't drink. She also works at a soup kitchen on a Saturday and does the flowers for the church. I'm struggling to get past the canvas tote.

Well, she turned up with the canvas tote again, but she kindly bought flowers. She's a vegetarian and doesn't drink. She also works at a soup kitchen on a Saturday and does the flowers for the church. I'm struggling to get past the canvas tote

Sounds a bit of a prissy, sanctimonious type to me dear. If you don't take care she will be making sniffy comments about the very occasional G&T we enjoy whilst watching the Antiques Road show and no doubt giving you an Oxfam goat for Christmas. Nip it in the bud, dear it's for the best. Remember the disapproving glare.

What will you have put on your gravestone?

(Should your kind have one, because I accept vampirism is a valid life choice)

I assume your little vampire joke is on account of my youthful appearance. My dd always says I must have a form of natural botox flowing through my skin!
And of course I do have the constitution of an ox, so I will be around to keep an eye on you for a good while yet, I am sure you will be glad to hear.

I have however, given some thought to my epitaph, and I think a nice statue of an angel surrounded by little cherubs would be appropriate and the inscription should be 'to know her was to love her, she gave so much and demanded so little'.

Surely it should read:

Who is the world going to revolve around now?

Welcome back young Ladies!

I thought that Halloween night would be the ideal time to revive my now rather zombie-like thread. Particularly as I know many of you find an AMA in AIBU quite horrifying!

MiL Towers has been suitably decorated for the occasion. I couldn't bring myself to allow any cobwebs or similar nasty things, and in fact the place has been cleaned to within a Hinch of its life, however your FiL has grown a very large pumpkin on the compost heap. He has talked of little else for days and I have had to banish him to his shed several times, I'm afraid. Thank goodness I managed to get him to turn it into a lantern 🎃 Some wag has also drawn a rather sinister moustache on Brian the Gnome, such rude behaviour and a sign that Mrs Briggs at number 42 was a very poor choice as Neighbourhood Watch coordinator, but in this case it seems appropriate to the season so I have left him by the porch.

Of course I do deplore Trick or Treating as a hideous American import, but I am consoling myself with the knowledge I will be able to give the dgc large quantities of sweeties and there is nothing you can do about it. MWAHAHAHAHA!

So buoyed by that delightful thought I am magnanimously going to set aside some time to answer all your questions. Of course I shall do my best to answer any of my DiL's queries but I can also help you other girls as I am an expert on most subjects and there is very little I do not have an opinion about.