To be angry with my DH for losing our toddler?

[Mumisa]

My DS is two, my DH took him to a park with a splash pool. DH went with DS because he was wearing shorts and I was in jeans. I sat about 15ft away with our shoes and bags. I watched and took photos and even thought should I keep an eye on DS but then said to myself no it’s fine DH is right with him. So I had a browse on my phone.

A few minutes go by and DH comes up to me and asks where is DS, I asked what did he mean and proceeded to very loudly panic. I ran around shouting for DS looking in the water (plenty deep enough to drown in). My DH told me to calm down but was mostly stood around. A kind lady asked us what he looked like I was so afraid I could only repeat he’s two find him. Just then a lady found him in the park cafe next to the pool. I was so so relieved.

My DH was calm and acted as though I had overreacted and made a scene. He said I was childish and acted like a child and he had only taken his eyes off DS for a second. I am very angry and upset. DH has not apologised.

AIBU to expect an apology or should I have been watching DS too? DH has previously taken DS out on his own and I have trusted him but now feel worried.

Your DH should never have lost sight of your son near water. That's a given.
But he did. And when he did I'm sure the FIRST place he looked was the water. So by the time he got to you he probably assumed the child had somehow made his way back. He knew the child was not in the water.
The hystrionics after that helped no one, especially your son.
Your son wandered off on your husbands watch. Completely his responsibility. You share no 'blame' here. I do think you overreacted and, lets face it, one of you had to remain calm.
I've lost my own children before. It happens. I don't beat myself up about it. I stay calm and find them, never putting MY fear on them. I don't 'apologise' to their father for it. I'm sure they've wandered off from him before as well. You need to let it go.
I will not be letting DS out of my sight again, such a dreadful feeling
This, though? Sure, an understandable initial reaction as long as that's all it is. You don't want to be creating anxious fearful children because YOU are scared

I think to lose a child for just a few seconds is scary. Also not a two person job to watch them ya but

Being the more visibly worked up parent is not a better or more worthy approach. It isn’t You do understand how fight or flight works, right? often, in situations of panic we just react, I very doubt that op was part-taking in an imaginary "panic olympics"

The adrenaline kicks in and you have no idea what you will do. Be kind, if you can't be kind, scroll on. Because being a goady fucker isn't a worthy approach either.

I originally said that he should have panicked but I worded it wrong. What I meant was that he should have taken it seriously. He should have been concerned - he could well have been calm but not relaxed iyswim.

From the op’s account it sounds as if he did very little indeed and not because he was paralysed by panic/fear but because he didn’t think it was a big deal. Only he can explain the reason behind his reaction - maybe he was paralysed - but whatever the result, the net result is the same which is that he did nothing to find his son.

While the op’s panicked reaction may not have been “perfect” and ideally she should have been more calm the fact is that she took action and got help from someone who managed to find him.

So panic did at least galvanise her into action and was more helpful than his reaction/non-reaction.

whatever the reason

Your DH should never have lost sight of your son near water. That's a given.
But he did. And when he did I'm sure the FIRST place he looked was the water. So by the time he got to you he probably assumed the child had somehow made his way back. He knew the child was not in the water.
The hystrionics after that helped no one, especially your son.

This post is really interesting to me.

The dh lost the toddler. The poster presumes he had checked everywhere in the water - in fact the OP's posts don't say this at all. She said he came back to her saying "where is ds?" not "omg I've FIRST checked the water and he isn't there , where on earth could he be?" No, just a simple question to the OP "where is ds?? even though he was the person in charge of him.

And then after that, the OP's reaction is "hystrionics". her 2 year old was missing near water but her reaction to trying to find him - and she did - was "hystrionics. Which apparently helped no one - except OP found her toddler.

Quite a lot of internalised mysogyny out there.

A small child in water should always be within arms length. It only takes a few minutes to drown. Your dh is very very U.

Water safety for toddlers.

It sounds like he didn’t want to get “embarrassed” by making a scene and yelling about a lost child. I would be pointing out to him that a few minutes of embarrassment from yelling and screaming is a very small price to pay for ending up with your DS being found safe and sound. Especially near water.

There is just no excuse for not watching a child near water, absolutely none. Sure your DH could have become distracted, but it takes a fair bit of distraction to allow a toddler to leave the water and end up over near a cafe.

YADefNBU. I’m glad he was found safe and sound.

My post about him being “embarrassed” is being reinforced after some previous comments. It is not “histrionics” to start panicking when a two year old child is lost near water. In Australia we have so many children drowning each year. It is such a serious issue, and I as a bystander would never judge a mother or father for screaming and panicking when they’ve lost their child. Especially near water.

Some posters here need to have a long think about how they would react in a similar situation. I can guarantee you, you wouldn’t be standing around calmly. If you were, it’s a worry.

This happened to DH and I but the issue was that neither of us had said WHO was in charge of DD.

We were at soft play at a party and she wasn't even 2. We were so busy hosting for our older DD that we'd not said "Right you're in charge of the little one" but had done it between ourselves.

Then we both lost sight...distracted at the same time.

It was AWFUL. We found her after ten long, long minutes in a hidey hole with some tiny girls of about 5 who were playing with her.

Since then we've always done "handover" so we always know which of us is responsible.

The dh lost the toddler. The poster presumes he had checked everywhere in the water - in fact the OP's posts don't say this at all. She said he came back to her saying "where is ds?" not "omg I've FIRST checked the water and he isn't there , where on earth could he be?" No, just a simple question to the OP "where is ds?? even though he was the person in charge of him.
Meh. I don't think he needed to have said "I've checked the water" Of course you check immediate surroundings. Seriously
Unless the OP is willingly procreating with the dumbest dude on the planet, he's going to check around him. No kid, so perhaps he assumed the child made his way back to mum. Clearly he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

And then after that, the OP's reaction is "hystrionics". her 2 year old was missing near water but her reaction to trying to find him - and she did - was "hystrionics. Which apparently helped no one - except OP found her toddler.
Yeah, it is OTT and doesn't help. Scares and confuses the kid for a start.
I don't think I read ANYONE say the father was not at fault for losing the kid. He was. It's done though, isn't it? Doubt he'll do it again but I doubt he'll ever get the chance.
Yeah, still feel the same.

It's dreadful to see posters saying the OP should have been watching her son, when he was in the care of his dad. I recently took DD to a splash park (toddler). DH and I swapped and shared responsibility for her while we were there. She was never more than a couple of feet from one of us, but when he was watching her I queued for food and went to the toilet - I didn't stand around supervising his parenting. If he had lost sight of her I would have taken a long time to calm down!

I'd still be shaking with pure rage tbh. Not sure where I'd take it from there.

OP you have my sympathies.

My own mother is like this.
Once when sledging in winter my 18 month old was playing around at the top of the slope, sitting in the sledge while my older child was happily bombing down a steep slope in the sledge. Without warning my mother gave a hefty push with her foot and sent my toddler careering down the slope, screaming and came to a crash landing.
Same toddler - in a fruit shop, my mother gave my 18 month old a cherry from the
display- I only realised this when I saw my toddlers face turn blue and unable to breathe as she had inhaled the stone.
Thankfully I have first aid training, and turned my toddler upside down and gave a sharp thump between the shoulder blades - the stone flew out across the shop.

speakout OMG!

What did your mother say about the incidents?

spotthedot she laughed- in a " OMG I am so ditsy" kind of way.

I'm stunned that there are people believing both parents were jointly responsible in this situation. HE was in charge of the kid. The OP has every right to dick around on her phone or read a book, or WHATEVER SHE FUCKING LIKES, while he looks after the child.

Would love to see some of the replies if this were the other way round... would the father have been blamed for not supervising the wife while she was supervising the child?

This has really pissed me off actually. Just another example of we womenfolk having to think for everyone ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Also, what was he actually doing to lose your ds in the first place?? Wasn't he supposed to be playing with him?

I haven't read the whole thread but YANBU.
Your DH should be able to keep an eye on one toddler, FFS, he was right there with him, you shouldn't have had to stand guard as well!

If you'd had more than one, then yes, you should both have had eyes on them - but one toddler?

Your DH is hugely at fault, and minimising your reaction is stupid. Children get lost, drown, get out of the park, get run over in much shorter times than some people imagine. Your DH needs to give himself a shake and sort his priorities out sharpish.

I totally agree with PhaedrasChocolate

If the roles had been reversed nobody would be saying it was also the mans responsibility too. Women are somehow expected to be on duty as mothers 24/7 and made to feel bad and guilty of they take 5 minutes out. Men in the other hand only have to baby sit their own kids, never fully 100% responsible but taking instruction from the mother who does all the actually thinking and responsibility.

It's so pathetic really think a man can't supervise his child alone for 10 minutes without a woman to actually supervise them both.

Thanks for swimming tips, impossible to lose toddler in that instance. Posters saying obviously dad looked in the water are wrong, obviously he thought child had gone back to mum. Totally irresponsible, agree on official handover, and child also to be told to stay with designated carer, not to wander off.

I too think you are over-reacting and blaming. Many mn'ers have lost dc. I lost Ds2 in M&S once. For a few minutes. Was my own fault. Was not a nice feeling.

Totally agree Phaedra. Asking op 'where is DS?' as if she was the one who was looking after him at the paddling pool.

OP, you say you're never going to lose sight of DS again, so that means DP will never have to have responsibility for DS. I know why you're doing it but it would piss me off living with someone I couldn't trust to keep DC safe.

The issue is not losing DS. The issue is losing DS in a paddling pool where DC can drown in seconds. The issue is then making OP responsible for it and asking 'where is DS?' instead of 'I've lost DS. Can you help me look for him?'

**It's so pathetic really think a man can't supervise his child alone for 10 minutes without a woman to actually supervise them both.

And, at the same time, can you imagine the reaction if OP had posted "AIBU to always supervise DH when he's playing with our DS because I'm worried he'll lose him?". She'd have got pages and pages of responses feeling sorry for her DH and telling her she's a controlling bitch for treating him like a junior parent and/or that she needs to seek help for her anxiety. So, as a mother you always have to be on duty even when your child's father is nominally in charge, but you mustn't ever acknowledge that fact or else you'll be accused of controlling and/or neurotic behaviour.