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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with my DH for losing our toddler?

245 replies

Mumisa · 30/06/2018 16:23

My DS is two, my DH took him to a park with a splash pool. DH went with DS because he was wearing shorts and I was in jeans. I sat about 15ft away with our shoes and bags. I watched and took photos and even thought should I keep an eye on DS but then said to myself no it’s fine DH is right with him. So I had a browse on my phone.

A few minutes go by and DH comes up to me and asks where is DS, I asked what did he mean and proceeded to very loudly panic. I ran around shouting for DS looking in the water (plenty deep enough to drown in). My DH told me to calm down but was mostly stood around. A kind lady asked us what he looked like I was so afraid I could only repeat he’s two find him. Just then a lady found him in the park cafe next to the pool. I was so so relieved.

My DH was calm and acted as though I had overreacted and made a scene. He said I was childish and acted like a child and he had only taken his eyes off DS for a second. I am very angry and upset. DH has not apologised.

AIBU to expect an apology or should I have been watching DS too? DH has previously taken DS out on his own and I have trusted him but now feel worried.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 30/06/2018 19:55

Of course he has to apologise to her.
If I messed up and lost sight of DS and couldn’t find him, I would be mortified and apologise to DH for messing up. That’s not because DH is the boss, it’s because we are a team with a joint responsibility for DS, we both love him more than anything, and if DS was lost it would cause DH (as well as me) a huge amount of stress and anxiety. So I would apologise for that.

Apologising is just admitting you made a mistake but some people are incapable of it and it drives me batty.

Barbaro · 30/06/2018 20:01

I don't get how some people think the DAD isn't responsible here. How is it her fault for assuming the father could do a simple task like keep an eye on his son? Yeah she knows now he's useless, but she didn't at the time. A father shouldn't need supervision to look after his own child. That's pathetic.

Sweetandkind · 30/06/2018 20:02

Wow i think the apology is for how her Dh basically verbally attacked her for going into 'find my child mode' as a matter of urgency. It can be a matter of seconds that brings a good outcome where there's a risk of drowning.

KateSheppard · 30/06/2018 20:05

Mumisa, your husband was bizarrely calm, by your own account. His reaction sounds like he already knew your son was not in danger.

Are you sure your husband didn't know your son was in that café?

Does he resent you taking personal time (even if it's just web browsing in your own company for a couple of minutes)?

You mentioned that you would not be taking your eyes off your son again. Would your husband prefer this?

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/06/2018 20:07

It sounds like he's one of those who cannot apologise/accept responsibility. Really shit to criticise your reaction but I wouldn't blame or expect an apology from my DH for losing sight of our toddler because it's just so easy to do.

Absofrigginlootly · 30/06/2018 20:09

Saw this on fbook and thought it was worth sharing on this thread

www.oliversoutings.com/home/2018/6/6/do-you-know-what-to-do-if-you-look-round-and-your-child-is-gone

Sweetandkind · 30/06/2018 20:10

OP I think you need a good chat with dh before you know if he's taken on board the risk of his casual attitute to toddler safety. I'm actually quite relaxed about alot of stuff, but toddlers need supervision, especially around roads and water. You can't avoid all risks without taking he fun out if life, but your dh needs to step up, take responisibily. If he can't do that, do what i did and be the default 'responsible' parent. But it's hard work!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 30/06/2018 20:15

YANBU

What exactly was he so distracted by that he couldn’t even watch his 2 year old in water deep enough to drown in?

missymayhemsmum · 30/06/2018 20:17

Look, it happens.
Perhaps your ds went 'back to mummy'? only he didn't?
A thing that worked for us (mum dad and 2 teenagers with a toddler) was the phrase 'you have control'. Like the pilots do when handing over the controls. Once you had accepted control you were responsible for not taking your eyes/caring for/ entertaining the smallest until you could hand over 'control' and go off and do something else. Your dh needs to learn not to zone out.

Sweetandkind · 30/06/2018 20:18

Abso that's a message to all parents that it's not a case if panicking as such, but acting quickly to at least know you did everything you could. Seconds can make a real difference...

trojanpony · 30/06/2018 20:34

My DP made this face Shock when i read it to him. Both of us agree 100% it only takes seconds for your son to drown.

What the fuck was he doing/thinking?

I’d be having a serious chat and thinking what my options were. His attitude both to you, and to the situation are far from ideal.

By this I mean even if my DP thought I was massively overreacting he would: humour me and look for our son, comfort me, apologise, calm me down and then late discuss it say “hey Trojan, I think your reaction was a bit over the top... maybe next time x y and z”

Barbaro · 30/06/2018 20:39

Not only drowned, but kidnapped. How would he feel then? He got a calm reaction, if my partner did that they'd be lucky to survive the mistake.

raindropsandsunshine · 30/06/2018 20:43

You were not both responsible as another poster said. He was in charge at that time and should have been watching like a hawk in a busy area with water.

MachineBee · 30/06/2018 20:44

In those scary moments it’s very hard to keep a lid on emotions, especially when this is your first child. I was out shopping with my DD1 aged 14months and my DM. I popped into a shop for 5 mins leaving DD and DM outside to wait for me. When I came out they weren’t there. I waited 10 minutes with rising panic and after 25 minutes, when they finally came back, I was completely hysterical. My DM told me off for overreacting. She said she thought I’d enjoy a bit of a break. Shock. I never forgot or forgave her for that. It was a cruel thing to say to anyone and utterly thoughtless of her to be away so long.

OP, I’m glad your DS is ok. YANBU and your DH needs to apologise for defaulting blame for his mistake to you.

ShackUp · 30/06/2018 21:51

You did not overreact.

Your child could easily have been in the water.

Your DH needs to watch some drowning videos and take some fucking responsibility. I'd tear him a new one.

Thanks
Majorintrovert · 30/06/2018 21:52

You cannot take your eyes off a child that young for a moment!
I'd be making him sleep on the sofa and cuddling your ds. How frightening for you!

perfectstorm · 30/06/2018 22:18

Huge difference between a child wandering off in a park in a few moments, and their being able to do that when around water. You never, ever leave a toddler unsupervised in water for a second. Your child is two and could well have drowned. Any fool should know that.

And you say your DH's sneering that you're being childish, when he did just that? My God. Absolute fuckwit - irresponsible beyond belief, and not even shaken up or acknowledging error? I'd be livid.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 01/07/2018 00:27

you have no business being on your phone when you are out with your family!

Why not? Some law? Be a bit supportive!

HappyLollipop · 01/07/2018 00:30

Although these things happen I don't understand how he couldn't have been more frantic as I wouldn't give a damn how crazy I looked if I had lost my child until I got them back! it's weird to me he was more worried about what other people may be thinking than the wellbeing of his child.

Bibesia · 01/07/2018 01:03

He should have panicked

Odd thing to say. I can see an argument that that might have been a natural reaction, but since when could it possibly be someone's moral duty?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/07/2018 01:30

I’ve covered this,panic is not in itself a morally superior reaction

we all respond to crisis differently
Some inviduals it sheer adrenaline,energy & emotion. Others it’s process,calmer and methodical.
Both approaches have benefits. The adrenaline,energy approach galvanises people and is immediate
The methodological approach can instill confidence and is ordered
Clearly you both process differently and that’s fine.neither approach is preferential
However don’t assume he doesn’t care because he’s not agitated”

pallisers · 01/07/2018 01:54

I would assume he doesn't care because his toddler went missing under his supervision and he went back to the OP to ask where he was rather than doing anything himself.

Then afterwards he stood there while OP was running around. Of course many of you say that OP was a bit of a drama lama doing that - but then you also say that people react differently to panic - so presumably OP's reaction was just as acceptable as her partner's.

But in the end of the day the bit that would bother me would be that my husband was in charge of our toddler around water, lost him, didn't do much to get him back and then accused me of being childish and dramatic when the child was found.

Where did we see the "methodical approach" from the OP's partner? As far as I can read, he just stood there doing nothing.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/07/2018 01:59

Big actual deal if your dp made a 😦 face. What?man has sighed.y'all listen up
If he wants to post sign up,don’t do the my dp says,my dp face was like😧

differentnameforthis · 01/07/2018 02:08

I don't think you both should have been watching. That implies neither of you can be trusted, and also sets yo both up with a false sense of security. Your dh was with him in the water, he was responsible for him.

SD1978 · 01/07/2018 02:08

I think you overreacted, and your DH underreacted. To start screaming and carrying on immediately really isn’t helpful in any situation. Your husband appearing (at least by your discription) to not give a shit, is equally unhelpful. You both need to think about different strategies for when something like this inevitable happens again. He should have apologised though.

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