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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said this?

337 replies

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 30/06/2018 13:07

So me and DS6 went to do a food shop this morning, he needed to go to the toilet so I took him into the ladies.

There was a lady in there with 3 girls, there was a little bit of silliness towards my son going on amongst the three girls whilst we waited for a cubicle to become free, which I ignored because I know girls can be very silly when it comes to things like this.

Then the biggest girl said “Mum why is there boy in here” very loudly, the mother then turnt to me and said “Couldn’t you have taken him into mother and baby or round the back of somewhere because he is making my daughters feel uncomfortable”

I am usually very good at ignoring people, I replied by saying “don’t be so pathetic you silly silly woman” a few more words were exchanged then I went on to tell her to stop embarrassing herself.

I feel a bit bad now, was IBU?

OP posts:
longwayoff · 30/06/2018 14:05

Er . . . Parents, please don't send young boys into public lavatories alone. Some of you are saying that you do. Its really not advisable. Take them into the women's with you as OP does. If you need to be rude to somebody ignorant whilst there then go ahead it shouldnt be a problem for anyone.

Hygge · 30/06/2018 14:05

"No, its a facitlity for women and small children usually under the age of 8. Little boys and girls are both allowed to be in there equally."

No, it's a facility for girls and women.

Who, as I said, are usually tolerant of the need to bring younger boys in if need be, but who shouldn't be spoken to rudely if it does make them feel uncomfortable.

LonginesPrime · 30/06/2018 14:05

"Mum why is there a boy in here” isn’t rude. It’s a very valid question.

Which the other mother should have been able to answer about a six year old with his mother waiting to go to the loo without having to ask the OP to remove her child.

TornFromTheInside · 30/06/2018 14:06

Both parents should be setting examples of how to reach compromise.
If a boy looks older, or they simply can't fathom the reason for his presence, it's natural to query it.
It's just as natural to explain someone might have special needs and so needs a little more leeway.

However, that's a different, wider debate than this specific incident. In this incident (and assuming the account is accurate), the girls were getting a bit silly (perhaps a nervous reaction to the boy's presence?), but their mother did nothing to calm that, she was needlessly confrontational.

She could have reassured her daughters that there was no danger, or shame in the little boy being there.

The whole 'men in female spaces' issue is a very VERY important one, but this isn't that issue (imo).

JacquesHammer · 30/06/2018 14:06

If you need to be rude to somebody ignorant whilst there then go ahead it shouldnt be a problem for anyone

You don’t. You simply need to explain.

HTH

ToffeeUp · 30/06/2018 14:09

Yanbu taking your son to the ladies toilet

Yabu in the way you spoke to her, especially calling her (and the daughters) silly and pathetic.

Original poster
MrsHappyAndMrCool · 30/06/2018 14:10

And she lied about how her daughters were feeling. They weren't uncomfortable; they threw in and then decided to be rude. Probably learned it from their mother

^^ exactly!

Like I have previously said, my little boy is 6 and he is still in age 4 clothing, if the woman had boys herself no way would she want them going into the mens alone.

OP posts:
crunchymint · 30/06/2018 14:11

I think it is good that people confront what they think is unreasonable behaviour. It is the turning a blind eye that makes us all more unsafe. It is people getting involved that has stopped people being attacked.

Doyoumind · 30/06/2018 14:11

Unless her girls are at an all girls school or they are much older than your son, they are likely changing for PE in front of boys. Her attitude was completely wrong. I would have said something back to her as well.

Original poster
MrsHappyAndMrCool · 30/06/2018 14:12

ToffeeUp - The girls were acting very silly towards my son.

OP posts:
upsideup · 30/06/2018 14:14

“He’s too young for the gents”
“He needs a bit of assistance”

Do you really think the women who apparently dont already understand why a small child is using the toilets with his mum and are getting angry and starting a scene about it are going to take those reasonable obvious reponses? They are trying to start an arguement, they are being rude, they already know the answer is because hes little and needs assitance but thats not good enough for them.
And how many times do you expect mothers and sons have to explain and apologise for his existance in a place he is allowed to be in?

funinthesun18 · 30/06/2018 14:15

I think it is good that people confront what they think is unreasonable behaviour. It is the turning a blind eye that makes us all more unsafe. It is people getting involved that has stopped people being attacked.

Sorry, I’m struggling to see what is unsafe about a little boy being in the female toilets. I get being being vigilant but there is also common sense too. If a fully grown man was in there I would see your point.

JacquesHammer · 30/06/2018 14:16

@upsideup

Every time.

The OP didn’t ask if she was unreasonable taking her boy to the ladies. She asked if she was unreasonable in what she said.

Saying “he’s too little for the gents” is far more sensible than her (alleged) response.

Aridane · 30/06/2018 14:16

Glad you feel a bit,bad -you were rude.

ToffeeUp · 30/06/2018 14:20

MrsHappy children acting silly is no excuse for the way you spoke to this woman. A simple he is too young to go to the toilet by himself would have been enough, calling her pathetic and silly was unnecessary.

upsideup · 30/06/2018 14:22

JacquesHammer

I know, I answered the question the OP asked. She was not unreasonable for saying what she said, she was completley right however I would have ignored and left.

JacquesHammer · 30/06/2018 14:24

She was not unreasonable for saying what she said, she was completley right however I would have ignored and left

Whereas I would have replied politely and carried on using the facilities with my son. Which is a far better course of action all around.

TornFromTheInside · 30/06/2018 14:24

Her response wasn't to the childing acting silly... it was in response to:'

“Couldn’t you have taken him into mother and baby or round the back of somewhere because he is making my daughters feel uncomfortable”

This is what was objectionable from the mother of the girls.

I suppose in hindsight, the OP's response was a little rude in return, but understandable.
Both parents could have handled this a LOT better, but the girls' mother effectively created the tension with the above comment. It was a silly comment. 'Round the back of somewhere' is not appropriate for anybody. Nor is mother and baby, when mothers with babies need those facilities.

DrunkUnicorn · 30/06/2018 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MommaCinders · 30/06/2018 14:26

I'm not even going to read all these comments because some are utterly ridiculous, no you were not being unreasonable at all, she clearly got defensive of her children and you did the same so why should you feel bad? You were not rude you reacted to how she spoke to you... Which was confrontational and just pathetic. Had that been my daughters i'd've turned around and said "Girls stop being silly and act sensibly please, the little boy has come in with his mummy just like Daddy would have to do so with you if mummy wasn't here"

Not all baby changing facilities have toilets in them so want sort of predicament does that leave you in and if you were male and took your daughter round the back of somewhere to crouch and have a wee or have to hold her legs up because I remember those times weren't exactly the easiest you'd get alot of comments then!!

Christ, my son is ten and if we are out in town I make him at least stand in the room whilst I go toilet. You think I'm gonna leave my ten year old standing outside in a busy place by himself to come out and find him gone... Not a F chance...and most certainly not because it might make some silly little girls feel uncomfortable. They aren't peeing in front of him fgs!!! Don't beat yourself up about it. The shame is on her not you

JacquesHammer · 30/06/2018 14:26

Nor is mother and baby, when mothers with babies need those facilities

I find this quite interesting as the major supermarkets near us don’t have “mother and baby” they have “parent and child” and all have a loo in, so quite clearly acceptable for use with a small child who needs the loo. We used these type of room regularly when DD was small.

I think they’re a great idea actually.

JacquesHammer · 30/06/2018 14:28

and most certainly not because it might make some silly little girls feel uncomfortable

Well now we know where male entitlement starts.

MommaCinders · 30/06/2018 14:30

And also does it occur to anyone that they were making the little boy feel uncomfortable because to him he just needed to use the frigging toilet... What if it was one toilet for all...?? Would they have felt uncomfortable whilst OP and her 6 year old little boy stood outside? Smh

misskatamari · 30/06/2018 14:30

YANBU. She was being ridiculous and pathetic. If those girls where mine they'd have gotten a telling off for being so bloody silly in the first place!

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 30/06/2018 14:30

Don’t be disingenuous. It isn’t inreasonable to expect there only to be girls in a girls toilet at any age.

Of course it's unreasonable to expect there not to be little boys in the ladies toilets. There was no way the little girls felt genuinely uncomfortable by waiting in a queue with a little boy.