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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said this?

337 replies

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 30/06/2018 13:07

So me and DS6 went to do a food shop this morning, he needed to go to the toilet so I took him into the ladies.

There was a lady in there with 3 girls, there was a little bit of silliness towards my son going on amongst the three girls whilst we waited for a cubicle to become free, which I ignored because I know girls can be very silly when it comes to things like this.

Then the biggest girl said “Mum why is there boy in here” very loudly, the mother then turnt to me and said “Couldn’t you have taken him into mother and baby or round the back of somewhere because he is making my daughters feel uncomfortable”

I am usually very good at ignoring people, I replied by saying “don’t be so pathetic you silly silly woman” a few more words were exchanged then I went on to tell her to stop embarrassing herself.

I feel a bit bad now, was IBU?

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 30/06/2018 13:39

The lady could have said to her daughters 'don't mind the young boy, we're leaving now anyway, and he's with his mummy'. That way, nobody feels uncomfortable

I agree. I would have responded with that. However I genuinely never would have an issue if I had been in the OP’s situation. I would have simply explained rather than overreacting.

JacquesHammer · 30/06/2018 13:40

@kurrikurri great post

Juells · 30/06/2018 13:40

It's hot. That's excuse enough to get cranky when someone is being silly.

funinthesun18 · 30/06/2018 13:43

She was rude and deserves the response you gave to her. He is 6 ffs. And about her girls “being uncomfortable”, that’s clearly her putting it on to them that they should feel uncomfortable.

My eldest is 7 and could easily be mistaken for a 9 year old. But inside he’s nowhere near that mature. Anyone who challenges me about my son (not happened yet but I half expect it every time I take him to the toilet), will get a similar response to what you gave.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 30/06/2018 13:45

That Hampstead Heath comment came across as a lot more homophobic than the post it was criticising, to me.

Anywho, hmmmm probably not ideal to have called her a silly, silly woman, but then she was being a silly, silly woman... I wouldn’t feel too bad tbh. It’s not like you ranted and raved and called her a cunt. I’d probably have said; “he’s 6 years old and I can’t very well take him into the gents. What do you propose I do with him?”

MrsJayy · 30/06/2018 13:45

Sounds like it all got out of hand the poor kid just needed a pee

TornFromTheInside · 30/06/2018 13:47

It's hot. That's excuse enough to get cranky when someone is being silly.

Facetious, and yet I found it funny! :-)

JacquesHammer · 30/06/2018 13:47

Anyone who challenges me about my son (not happened yet but I half expect it every time I take him to the toilet), will get a similar response to what you gave

But why? Why not just explain he looks older than he is If YOU say he looks older than 7, it’s fairly reasonable for someone else to.

crunchymint · 30/06/2018 13:49

I would have sent him into the men's toilet on his own, but also fine to take him to the women's. But I would have said he is only 6. I am assuming the woman thought your son was older.
But YABU to dismiss girls issues with this. And the commenter who said the mother is raising her girls to be prissy and prim is being incredibly sexist.

Funnyface1 · 30/06/2018 13:50

I think you we're justified in what you said, I'd have been upset if someone suggested I take my ds round the back of somewhere.

TornFromTheInside · 30/06/2018 13:53

And the commenter who said the mother is raising her girls to be prissy and prim is being incredibly sexist.

I actually said:
If we are teaching our children to fear each other at such a young age...

That goes for mothers and fathers, daughters and sons. Nothing sexist in that.

Irishgurl · 30/06/2018 13:55

You are unreasonable to come out with the sexist comment about girls being silly. I have children of each gender- the girls do not have a monopoly on silliness. And neither do children. In fact you are an adult and you seem very silly! i would take a 6 year old into a public loo with me but I would also be willing to politely explain my reasoning to anyone who queried it as it is in fact a 'female' loo. But it is very hot and we all over react sometimes.

Winniefred · 30/06/2018 13:56

No, you were not being unreasonable, I never had sons only daughters but all Mums should know that all young children with Mums are taken to the ladies until old enough to go themselves sometimes Daddy takes boys and girls to mens loos but Daddies also often ask if they can use the ladies with their girls. In the whole history of loos, infant classed children have been accessing all loos, the Woman who tackled you was the one being rude and entitled and you reacted in a defensive way...next time, if there ever is one, you will be prepared to politely point out the bloody obvious, sweetly.

funinthesun18 · 30/06/2018 13:56

But why? Why not just explain he looks older than he is confused If YOU say he looks older than 7, it’s fairly reasonable for someone else to.

Yes but it’s none of anyone’s business is it? He could be older and have special needs. It’s not up to strangers to poke their nose in and start confronting people when they have no idea of someone’s circumstances. I’m sure most 10 year old boys who are NT would rather not be in the girl’s toilet with their mum anyway!

Hygge · 30/06/2018 13:58

I think you were both unreasonable to be honest.

He's only six and I think most women are tolerant of boys that age in their spaces. As an adult I would accompany a child of that age to the toilet in public.

And before anybody says the "not all men" argument, it's not really just about that.

The doors have locks that might be difficult for smaller children, the sinks are high up, the taps can be out of reach or hard to work for smaller, weaker hands, the soap is in a dispenser on the wall and out of reach, the hand towels can be out of reach, or the hand driers difficult to operate, and I've seen no end of rude adults push passed children to go first when the child is alone. I've told strangers off for that before when it's not even been my child they've pushed in front of. It's just rude but a lot of adults think it's okay to push in front of a child when they wouldn't dare push in front of an adult.

Yet this is a facility for girls and women and they shouldn't have to make way for boys and men if it makes them uncomfortable, or be spoken to in the way you spoke to them.

upsideup · 30/06/2018 13:59

Of course you are not being unreasonable, i probably would have ignored and left because my very tiny 4 year old ds has already been shouted out and told he isnt allowed in the womens toilets/changing rooms and I wouldnt want to make him feel any worse but you're completely right, shes pathetic and its such a shame shes bringing up her daughters with the same attitude.
He is just as entitled to be in there as them, as hes not the one causing the scene or supposidly feeling uncomfortable he shouldnt be the one to leave.

crunchymint · 30/06/2018 13:59

poke their nose in FFS just communicate with people. I have taken 12 year old boys with SN in to women's toilets when disabled toilets used to be few and far between. I just explained.

BewareOfDragons · 30/06/2018 13:59

She compared your son to a dog, by suggesting he would just go anywhere to 'toilet'.

And she lied about how her daughters were feeling. They weren't uncomfortable; they threw in and then decided to be rude. Probably learned it from their mother.

I may have well said worse, depending on my mood. She was out of line and up on her high horse of bullshit and she knew it.

JacquesHammer · 30/06/2018 14:00

I actually think it’s fair enough for females to question males in their spaces.

That said I don’t get the current MN fashion for arsey responses to reasonable questions.

“He’s too young for the gents”
“He needs a bit of assistance”

Neither giving any detail. Both totally ending the drama.

Topseyt · 30/06/2018 14:01

I do understand your response, but I think a simple "He's just six, and I don't consider him old enough or confident enough to be allowed to use the men's toilet alone just yet, but thank you for your comments anyway", then just ignore.

I had three girls, so didn't really get this, but at six I would have preferred to be with them in public toilets, even though they were able to use the cubicles themselves. So if I had had a boy then I would have expected to take him into the ladies with me when necessary.

upsideup · 30/06/2018 14:01

Yet this is a facility for girls and women and they shouldn't have to make way for boys and men if it makes them uncomfortable, or be spoken to in the way you spoke to them.

No, its a facitlity for women and small children usually under the age of 8. Little boys and girls are both allowed to be in there equally.

crunchymint · 30/06/2018 14:01

Jacques I agree. Arsey responses are just rude. Communicate like a reasonable adult. That is all that is needed.

Shopkinsdoll · 30/06/2018 14:01

No I don’t think you were unreasonable, she was the one being rude. He’s only a little boy. Yes you should have told her to teach her girls some manners!

funinthesun18 · 30/06/2018 14:01

poke their nose in FFS just communicate with people. I have taken 12 year old boys with SN in to women's toilets when disabled toilets used to be few and far between. I just explained.

Shouldn’t have to. And at 12 I think it’s pretty damn obvious that you’re not taking them in for the fun of it. Some people can’t help but confront though.

JacquesHammer · 30/06/2018 14:03

Yes you should have told her to teach her girls some manners!

“Mum why is there a boy in here” isn’t rude. It’s a very valid question.

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